Ride the Wave

I'm starting to dread writing this blog.  I feel like I am running out of things to say or I keep saying the same thing.  I have to remind myself I don't write this for myself.  If I wrote for myself I wouldn't write on the blog, I would write on a piece of paper.  I wouldn't think about what might be hurting you and dragging you down.  I wouldn't think about what might encourage you.  I would only think about what is in my own life and write things that would free me.

Here I am, writing this even though I don't feel like it, hoping you will be encouraged.  Maybe you'll be encouraged by the fact that I'm doing something I don't feel like doing. 

I spent most of the past week being sick.  It was mostly a cold except for the on and off fever I had on Christmas Eve.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I just wanted to quietly feel bad and I knew eventually I would feel better.  I kept waiting each day to feel better, then I didn't.  Some days I did what was on my schedule because I was tired of waiting to feel better, but most days I rested and waited for my health to return.

On Christmas Eve I exercised.  I didn't feel great, but I didn't know when I would feel better so I took the opportunity to exercise while I could.  Within a few hours, I was sweating and shivering with a fever.  It took 5 days to feel well enough to exercise again.  I started getting tired of feeling badly.  I had plans for my break.  My plans weren't to lie on the couch.  So often our plans are interrupted or changed.  How do we handle it?  How do we adapt?  Do we accept the change or do we fight it and complain about it?

We are on the cusp of another change.  The new year begins soon.  Will the change bring anxiety and frustration or will it bring promise and hope?  Sometimes I think it would be better for us if we were like the albatross I have seen on the Oregon Coast.  They sit out on the waves and let the ocean move them freely.  They aren't frantically paddling away from or into the waves.  They enjoy the ride however it comes.

As that next surprise comes sneaking up behind you try to sit back and relax.  Try to enjoy the wave even if it is big and scary, it can also be exciting.  Find the beauty in the water and the scenery.  Find peace even in the midst of chaos.

Now you can see why I write.  I don't feel anything important or valuable, but as I type, the words you need to hear come flowing out of my finger tips.  Whatever the week brings, ride the wave.

All I Want for Christmas

Over the past few weeks we have been listening to a lot of Christmas music.  The older songs lyrics focus on coming home for Christmas, being with the family and, of course, white Christmases.

I haven't been "home" to where the rest of my family lives for Christmas since my daughter was born 17 years ago.  I went one year in December to try and get there close to Christmas.  Many years driving the trip over the mountain pass and risking snow was not wise.  Other years I couldn't afford a plane ticket.  Ultimately, neither of those reasons were the main reason we didn't travel.  I wasn't willing to drag my children from house to house during Christmas.  I wanted them to wake up in their beds, have a peaceful and calm day and to cherish the moments we have together.

Not everyone agrees with my decision.  My decision isn't right for everyone, but it has been right for us.  We have spent all our our children's Christmases in our home.  Each Christmas has been precious, special, peaceful and full of love.

As I hear those songs, I have two thoughts.  Is it required that we return home on Christmas?  Who is our family? 

Of course it is not required.  I choose to be with the family that lives here with me.  I love my family that lives far away and it is wonderful they can get together with each other.  I will visit another day.  On Christmas I will be home with my family.

I've been thinking about family.  Technically, family are the people we share DNA with.  I don't think that is what we mean when we say "family."  When we talk about our families we talk about people we can depend on, people who accept us for who we are and have no expectations from us.  Sometimes the two different definitions of family are met on the same person, sometimes they are not.

If you are blessed to be welcomed unconditionally into your DNA-sharing family's arms, celebrate!  If they know all about you and accept you anyway, if they let you make mistakes, celebrate your achievements and stand by your side no matter what, you are blessed. 

If you have found your family in the form of a friend who doesn't share your DNA, it is okay.  It is okay to spend time with people who treasure you the way you treasure them.  It is okay to give your energy to people who see your true colors and wouldn't change a thing.

I am blessed to have a little of both of these families.  I am blessed to have found people who accept all of me for who I am and don't try to change me.  They may call me on my crap, but they accept it at the same time.

We can't change our DNA-families.  We aren't always blessed to find non-DNA families.  We do have the power to be family to others.  We have the ability to love unconditionally and accept without expectations. 

This holiday season I know we are all thankful for the blessings and gifts we have been given.  We are especially thankful for the people that walk by our side and help us along on our journeys.  Take some extra time to love on those around you.  It is all we are asked to do and it is all any of us really wants for Christmas.

Snail slow

It is mentally straining to travel down the treacherous and difficult parts of our journey.  As I look back at some of my difficult journeys I can see small gifts God gave me during that time to make things easier.

I remember reading the story of Job and all the treacherous things that happened to him.  Through it all, God was there.  He wasn't causing the loss, He was there protecting Job, making sure Job wouldn't break, knowing what his faith could handle. 

I was thankful I had my cancer treatment in the winter.  I wasn't able to wear a bra or shave my arm pits for almost 2 months.  It's much easier to hide large breasts under bulky sweaters and sweatshirts than small summer shirts.  I also didn't have to worry about anybody staring at my harry armpits.  These things aren't extremely important, but they were things for me to be thankful for. My girls went to school with their dad during that time and were completely taken care of while I ran around to my appointments and treatments. 

I was diagnosed with MS during one of my best teaching years.  I had sweet students who worked hard all the time.  They were thoughtful and patient.  Being a little less present didn't cause a hardship at my job.  I also had a considerate boss at the time who adamantly forced me to go home when he could see I wasn't feeling well.  He never made me feel bad for taking a sick day or leaving my class.  I've had very few bosses encourage me to take care of myself they way he did.  I had also just started my master's degree a few months earlier.  During my diagnosis, I happened to be taking the easiest class on my list.  During the first month after my diagnosis I wasn't able to move my left arm or hand normally.  It wasn't getting the message from my brain soon enough.  I often dropped things because I had to think about the fact I was holding them.  If, for a second, I thought about something else like walking, I would drop what I was holding.  I couldn't type with both hands.  Writing papers for my class took much longer when trying to type the word "the" meant waiting for my left hand to find the t and e.  If I had a more difficult class, I may have had to drop the class or I would have fallen behind.

As I lived in the recliner last year awaiting back surgery, I could only think of how thankful I was to be living in our new house.  In our old house with 3 levels, I would have had to rearrange the furniture in order to be on the same floor with the kitchen, bathroom and the recliner.  I would have been stranded in one part of my house away from my family.  Our old house was also mostly heated by a wood stove.  We had propane heat which we tried to avoid using due to its cost.  Each morning, we chopped kindling, stuffed the two stoves with paper, start a fire and repeatedly bring in wood to feed the fires all day.  While trapped in my recliner, I would not have been able to do any of that.  The fire would have gone out and I would have been cold or been forced to run the expensive propane heat.  In our new house, all our rooms were on the same floor and I can start the heat by pushing a button.  In addition to it being easier to function, I was blessed to have a friend and walking partner down the street.  I wasn't going to avoid back surgery, I tried, but I could be thankful for the timing of it. 

Whatever the bump in the road, the steepness of the cliff, or the difficulty up ahead, there is usually something to be thankful for.  There is something that could be worse.  There is something that is easier because Someone is watching over you.

I'm not telling you to think positive or look for the silver lining.  The middle of these moments is horrible and sometimes all I can think about is how much it sucks, but it helps my sanity to notice the mini blessings.  It helps me to think about how it could be worse and I am forever thankful it isn't.

I keep talking about this because I can't get over how nice it is to be able to do almost whatever I want right now.  I don't have the extensive limitations on me I had a year ago.  I don't have to say no to everything.  I remember how difficult it was, but I also remember how it could have been more difficult and I made it through.  One step at a time, keeping my mind clear and in reality, and looking toward what I could do and what I was thankful for helped me keep moving through each slow and laborious step.  And my steps were very slow a year ago. I know all about slow, but I just kept moving and I'm not so slow anymore.

What are you looking at?

Last week I celebrated my 42nd birthday.  I don't have a problem with my age increasing each year.  It is a number.  My age doesn't define what I can or can't do and it definitely doesn't define who I am.

Last year, on my birthday, I was recovering from back surgery and feeling ill all over from the  medication I took for almost a month to numb the searing pain in my leg. 

This year I was busy, but I was thankful.  I was able to go to work.  I wasn't left on the couch.  I was able to go to my daughter's orchestra concert, which I missed last year.  I went out to dinner with my family, successfully sitting at the table the entire time. 

Whether your day is good or bad is determined primarily by your perspective. 

Last year, while recovering and feeling sick, I was thankful the pain was finally gone.  Prior to back surgery, I had debilitating pain down the entire length of my right leg.  It was as if my leg was on fire and shot needles throughout each of my muscles every time I moved.  So, last year on my birthday, even though I was uncomfortable, I was thankful the pain was finally gone.  I knew I would eventually get stronger and my stomach pain would eventually subside. 

This year I was incredibly busy doing normal daily tasks, but I couldn't have been happier.  I could walk freely without limitations.  I could go to work.

Perspective is essential.  Remembering where we have come from on the most difficult days can help us take another step.  Knowing that most moments in our lives are seasons which will eventually pass can help us endure.

Today might suck, but tomorrow could be amazing.  This year may have been the most difficult, but how many small blessings were hidden in the hardships? This week may have been too busy, but next week may be full of rest.

One year there isn't enough money and you find joy in the simple pleasures.  The next year, you are amazed at how you are able to bless others because the money isn't quite so tight.

The first 10 years we were married were lean.  I made as many things as I could.  I bought the cheapest food.  I kept life simple.  It was difficult on the days I had to decide which bill to pay first in the hopes more money would come in for the other bills.  I was thankful for each tiny blessing.  I looked forward to the day when I didn't have to say no because I couldn't afford it or I didn't have to choose what I would go without. 

We don't experience those lean years anymore, but the lessons and values I learned from that time are something I would never trade.  I've had difficult jobs, but they have taught me values and I was always thankful for better jobs when they came along.

It's all about how we look at our lives, how we view our past and what we hope for in our future. 

What is good and beautiful today?
What are you blessed with today?
What is making you stronger?
What do you hope for?
What are you looking at?

December

December is here! 

There are many things I enjoy about the year.  I enjoy each of the seasons: the flowers in the spring, the summer fun, and the leaves in the fall.  But there is something special about December, not about winter, but December. 

December invites change.  We put up a Christmas tree and add extra lights and decorations around our house which spend 11 months out of the year in boxes.  We listen to music about family and togetherness and love.  We drink hot drinks by a cozy fire.  We stop a bit more, play games a bit more and choose us a bit more. 

Sometimes it snows.  The white blanket and flying flakes are my favorite.  They bring silence and peace.  The white flyers disguise anything attempting to bring chaos.  They are in no hurry to land, unlike raindrops which rush to the ground.  They will let the wind push them along, not fighting, but floating and settling wherever they are laid.

I am reminded how important it is to maintain our values during this time.  We still have to choose what makes us strong.  We still have to choose what gives us peace.  We still have to choose what identifies us and determines our next step. 

Enjoy each moment of each day.  This season, this month, is not about the number of things you can accomplish.  It isn't about the number of things you can buy or the number of events you attend.  It is about family and peace and love like every other day of the year. 

I love December because it often looks different than other times of the year.  The snow in January never quite feels or looks like the snow in December.  I love December because we change things around us for a moment and get a different vantage point on our lives.  I love December because it is different and for a moment, everyone welcomes the difference and celebrates together.