One At a Time

I made it through microdiscectomy surgery just fine.  I love falling asleep and waking up to hear that everything is finished.  It takes a while to process that an entire surgical procedure happened on your body and you had no awareness of it.  I prefer it that way.

As I have been recovering I found myself being thankful again.  I am thankful for over 2 years of CrossFit that taught me how my body is supposed to move so I know exactly how to move in order to keep the pain away.  I'm thankful that I went into this procedure healthy and strong so that I will recover faster.

It was during these thankful thoughts that it occurred to me that health is something you acquire one choice at a time.  Each day, each moment, we make choices about our activity, our food, our social circles, and our spiritual needs.  It isn't something you have one day and is gone the next.  It definitely isn't something you don't have then wake up the next day with great health.  It is a long process spanning years that is simply created one choice at a time.

You have to make your own choices.  You have to find your own path.  Here is a bit of mine:

Since my girls were very young I chose to get up an hour before I actually needed to in order to begin my day.  I use that hour to enjoy my coffee and process my thoughts and feelings.  I might write, I might talk, I might sit and do nothing.  It is a precious time that is worth a little less sleep and it helps me begin my day with peace.

I surround myself with dear friends who are encouraging and accept me just as I am.  I am very careful not to invest myself in people who tear me down or who don't know me or don't want to know me.  I am blessed to have friends that stretch back to childhood.  I don't have to talk to them everyday, our friendship is that strong and secure.

I choose food that makes me feel good.  There is food we eat when we are down, comfort food, which we simply enjoy eating, but I a not talking about comfort food.  I choose food that actually makes my body feel healthier and stronger.  I know the doughnut will cause a headache and make my stomach hurt so as good as it may taste, I don't desire it because I won't feel good.

I choose exercise because, without it, I will be weak and more aches and pains will come that I could have avoided by training regularly, moving and getting stronger.  I choose to take time out of my day to keep my body strong, to gain energy so that I can enjoy life and I can take on whatever it throws at me.  My husband and I went to Ireland last year.  We were able to hike the Cliffs of Moher for hours.  I watched as people much younger than me were out of breath after just 30 minutes.

One choice at a time 
One day at a time
One moment at a time

Becoming healthy in spirit, mind, body and soul happens one little decision at a time.

The Thief

Most have heard the Bible verses about not worrying about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself.  Before that statement, Jesus points out that the flowers that will die or be trampled upon are more beautiful than the richest man in the world.  If God cares enough to make them beautiful how much more does he care about a person whom he loves.

With this knowledge that my heavenly father, my Daddy, loves me enough to care about the simplest details of my life, I should be able to rest in the knowledge that He will take care of whatever needs taking care of.  No amount of worry can change anything.

I have surgery tomorrow, not just any surgery: back surgery.  I did everything in my power to avoid this surgery, to fix myself so that it wouldn't be necessary.  In the face of the unknown and the scary, I choose to trust.  Each moment a worry or concern tries to sneak into my mind, I send it to my Daddy and let him know that He has to take care of it.  I can't control anything.  I can't think my way through the surgery.  I can't worry away the risks.  I can trust.  I can know that I am doing the right thing and trust that the results will work out.  At the end of the day I will always be victorious because I trusted and did not learn on my own understanding.

Worry is a thief.  It steals our peace of mind and replaces it with panic.  It steals our time as we run through our worrisome thoughts.  It steals our hope and replaces it with doubt.  It steals our joy and replaces it with fear.  It steals our present, our mind is so fixed on the "what ifs" of the future that we miss out on the moment.

Choosing to not worry isn't easy.  It is extremely difficult and doesn't happen just once.  The choice happens over and over.  Each moment that a worrisome thought sneaks in, the choice must be made again and again.

As you venture into the next scary moment, choose to hope, choose to trust.  Do everything in your power to keep the worry away.



Matthew 6:25-34
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes?  See how the flowers of the field grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you . . .?  So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Stubborn

This recent difficulty I've been dealing with has revealed to me how stubborn I am.

I've always known I'm a bit stubborn.  I like to be correct and I like to have my way.  I've learned how to be more gracious and lenient with other's wishes over the years, but when it comes to things trying to take me out, I am still very stubborn.

When my health tries to make me stop, I find myself gritting my teeth and moving forward stubbornly.  It might be viewed as grit or determination, but this time around it feels like stubbornness.

I have a herniated disc that in itself doesn't cause a lot of pain, but that particular disc is pushing on my sciatic nerve causing constant pain.

The pain has been nagging since last summer.  I continued to do CrossFit.  I continued to do all the things I like to do.  In October the pain got worse.  It hurt to sit, but I sat in the car for a 10 hour drive to the coast.  It hurt to do everything, but lay down.  I continued to go to work and sit and stand and bend and teach.  It wasn't until the pain had me crawling on the floor that I finally had to stop working.

They told me I needed surgery, I didn't want to.  I tried resting.  I tried stretching.  I tried physical therapy.  It wasn't until I could no longer walk on my own that I gave in and scheduled surgery.  You will find me getting my own drink and my own food and trying to take care of myself.  The only time I get help is when they force it on me.

I am resilient, determined, strong, and a fighter, but I am also stubborn.  I want to be able to do the work.  I don't want to be the one on the side lines.  I want to be able to finish the job.  I want to be able to accomplish the tasks on my list.

When something is taken from me, I get knocked down a notch.  I have to ask for and accept help.  I have to watch people serve me.  I am grateful beyond measure for all the people that have helped me.  Watching them take care of me and feeling the ache inside simply puts a greater spotlight on my stubbornness.

I choose to believe that sometimes this stubbornness helps me get stuff done.  The rest of the time, I have to put it aside and let other people shine.

Orange Story: Living With It

For the most part, after the first couple months of my MS diagnosis and the ups and downs of learning how to cope with medication and what it was doing to me, I've simply had to learn what it looks like to live with MS.

Living with MS means as long as I sleep good each night, eat right, stay away from stress and drastic temperature changes I feel perfectly well.  If any of these things are disturbed, I feel tired, run down or simple out of sorts.  I can still do most things.  I can still function normally, but it may take more effort or more time.  My journals are full of my reports on how a bad night's sleep affected my day or how the weather turned cold or hot and suddenly I feel run down. 

Living with MS has made me stop and pay attention to myself.  I've had to take care of myself regardless of what is going on around me.  I have to put myself first or I feel the negative effects immediately.

Living with MS means living with the unknown.  The biggest adjustment I've had to make isn't the medication or the diet, it is the unknown.  Living with MS means that at any moment something new can be taken from me.  When I was originally diagnosed I went to bed after playing "Just Dance" with my girls and woke up with the inability to move the left side of my face.  I had no warning this was going to happen. 

Living with MS means that today I may be able to run and tomorrow I may not.  It means that today I can see and tomorrow I may lose my sight.  I don't anticipate any of these things happening.  I will take care of myself and do everything in my power to remain healthy, but MS doesn't care about that.  It can take whatever it wants whenever it wants.  I can't control it. 

Living with MS means I take care to control what I can.  I sleep well because I can control when I go to bed.  I eat well because I can control what I put in my mouth.  I exercise because I can control my physical health.  I share my thoughts and fears because I can control my mental health.  I know who to trust for the things I can't control and lean on Him with everything to keep my spirit healthy.

Living with MS means that I am daily thankful for what I can do, for the people that are in my life, for each moment that I have.  I am aware that these moments are here now and are not guaranteed forever.  I am aware that my abilities are here now and may not be here forever.  I am in the moment.  I am thankful and I can see clearly what I have today.

Living with MS means I am living.  MS will do what it will, I will keep on living and moving forward.

Thanksgiving

I've made some observations about Thanksgiving over the past couple of days. 

I've observed people suddenly trying to be more thankful than they were a month ago.  I've observed more people at the grocery store, many of those people almost running over me as I hobbled through the aisles with my cane.  I've observed more people on the road, many of them impatient and driving dangerously.  I've observed commercials about having more stuff or nicer stuff.  I've observed people making Thanksgiving the mark to allow them to begin their Christmas shopping or to shop good deals for themselves.

Thanksgiving isn't about any of that.

Thanksgiving is a date on the calendar where people make a conscious decision to get together with family or friends.  Sometimes they travel, sometimes they don't.  They often connect with people they haven't connected with in a while.  Sometimes these groups come together out of obligation.  Sometimes they come together because they actually want to be together. During this time these people eat their favorite traditional Thanksgiving foods.  

Thanksgiving and its traditions shouldn't be an obligation.  It shouldn't be stressful.  It shouldn't cost an obscene amount of money.  Thanksgiving shouldn't be a day to be dreaded.

Thanksgiving should bring us memories of family and friends that surround us all year long.  Thanksgiving gives us an opportunity to be with as many of those people as we can, eat together, visit together and enjoy each other's company.  Thanksgiving doesn't have to happen on the fourth Thursday of November.  It can happen anytime we eat with those we care about and are thankful to have in our lives.

Thanksgiving isn't about table decorations or big turkeys.  It's about people.  It's about people you can count on, who are there to support you and encourage you and give you a hand when you need it.  Thanksgiving gives us an opportunity to stop and celebrate the people we love.  Even if we can't be with them, we can celebrate and appreciate what they add to our lives.

Enjoy your day this Thanksgiving.  Pause from the running and really see what you have to be thankful for.  Sit back and enjoy your blessings.  Those blessings may not always be around, you don't want to miss out because you were worried about how your table looked or whether or not you had the perfect food or who showed up or who didn't.

Be thankful for all you have before it is gone.

Orange Story: New Normal

Once I figured out how to manage my MS medication, I had to accept a new normal.

I discovered I moved at a slower pace, not literally, but I tended to do everything at a slow even keel.  If I had a list of tasks, I completed a few them then I needed to pause before completing a few more.  I couldn't simply push myself through a list of chores like I used to do.

Before MS, I could accomplish great feats of work in a day.  I can't do that now.  I will end up being too worn out.  It will always take me longer to complete a long list because I refuse to push myself to the limit just to accomplish a list of tasks.

People all over are busy from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to bed at night.  They are also waking up early and staying up late.  They fill their day with scheduled events and rush through meals in order to get to the next event or skip meals all together.  I used to be capable of this.  I used to be able to work all day, come home and clean the house or make dinner, do laundry and be capable of doing it all again the next day.  I could do all of it alone and didn't need any help.

My new normal is that I can't do that anymore.  I can't do it all.  I definitely can't do it alone.  I manage my time.  I make time to breathe, to rest, to take care of my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

My new normal means that I say "no" when I'm too tired.  My new normal is that I let things go, not everything is perfect all the time, not everything is finished all the time.  My new normal is that I put myself first.  My new normal is that I create peace in my life.  At the end of the day, I did everything I needed to do, everything that was good for me, and I sleep in peace.  The next day will hold what it holds.  Most of the time, I am not worried about tomorrow or fretting about yesterday.

My new normal may be a bit slower, but it's also a bit easier, nicer and healthier.  It is unfortunate that MS brought me to this wonderful place.  I could have enjoyed this place longer if I had learned to slow down before MS knocked on my door.

I Can't. . .

I can't take a shower, but I'm thankful I can take a bath.
I can't sit at the table to eat, but I'm thankful I can stand at the counter with my family.
I can't go for a walk with my friend, but I'm thankful I can walk through the house.
I can't go to work, but I'm thankful that people can take over for me until I can return.
I can't make my own meals, but I'm thankful for family and friends that make me food.
I can't clean my house, but I'm thankful for responsible daughters whom I've trained well and who are       helpful.
I can't do my own laundry, but I'm thankful for helping hands who pitch in.
I can't sit on the couch to watch that movie, but I'm thankful I can join you by sitting in the recliner.
I can't spend time on my hair, but I'm thankful my stylist cut it so I don't have to.
I can't shave my legs, but I'm thankful for the grey hair so it doesn't show much.
I can't drive, but I'm thankful I can be a passenger.

There are many things I can't do right now.
There are still things I can do.
With my trusty cane, I can walk a bit farther, pick things up and get myself dressed.
With loved ones around me, I can do anything and am lacking in no thing.

I can't . . . but I'm thankful I can. . . .

Orange Story: Talking

MS took some of my muscle ability in my face.  I don't know how to describe it.  My face doesn't go numb.  When it is at its worst it feels like cotton balls are stuffed in my cheeks and I'm moving in slow motion.  I slur and have to focus to not loose my words. 

When I am rested and healthy, talking is easy and no one can notice a difference.  When I begin to get tired, talking becomes more work.  The first solution was to get a portable microphone in my classroom.  The mic allows me to be able to focus on talking, but not have to worry about projecting.

In the beginning I also found that it was difficult for me to be in groups of people.  I had a get-together with a group of friends and discovered that I didn't have the ability to fight for attention.  First, nobody should have to fight to be heard among friends, but I found out that I get interrupted easily and have lost the ability to stop people from butting in.

I would begin sharing my thoughts and after the slightest pause, someone would interrupt me and I would not be able to finish talking.  If I had a response to someone else's thought, I wouldn't be able to respond fast enough or loud enough to be heard.  I simply stopped talking.

I know everyone has a different personality.  There are shy and bold people.  There are dominating people and followers.  That is the reality of a group of people.  But in a group of friends, everyone should be paying attention to one another and not trying to interrupt or rule the conversation. 

It is difficult for me to talk.  It takes work.  It takes more energy for me to speak than for the average person.  I have a difficult time saying all the words I want.  Some of them get lost.  Some of them simply don't come out correctly.  This is another reason that writing helps me.  I can say everything without being interrupted or getting tired.

It is difficult to see that talking is difficult for me.  For the most part it is hidden unless you look closely.  Some have noticed, most haven't. 

MS gets to take whatever it wants.  MS took the ease of talking from me.  I don't know what it will take next.  Either way, I will make adjustments and continue moving forward.

A Little Love

I read something I wrote a couple of years ago when I was beginning to figure out how to journey through MS.  Those words are a good reminder for me today.  During that time, I was thinking about all the things that were going on.  It didn't matter what chaos was all around me, I knew that my Daddy loved me.  I believed everything was going to work out and that the results would be amazing because He loves me. 

The knowledge I have that He loves me doesn't come from the Bible, although it says it there.  The knowledge I have doesn't come from a book or pastor.  It comes from my experience.  He shows me He loves me everyday.  He is there for me in the brightest and darkest of times.  He takes care of me and notices details that bless my life.  Because my Daddy loves me more than anyone else does, I know He will give me what is best for me.  I know He will always take care of me. All the knowledge I need to feel safe, secure and confident is His love.

Right now I am dealing with pain from a herniated disc pushing on my sciatic nerve.  I'm thankful that I will have surgery to relieve the pain soon.  I am also thankful for pain medication that helps me make it through the day. 

I wouldn't have chosen the day I am going to have surgery.  I would have chosen a more convenient day for my work schedule.  I would never have chosen to be in this much pain or to lose the ability to do many of the things I normally do.  It doesn't matter what I would have chosen.  That is not how life works.

Life deals you whatever hand it wants.  We don't get to give back the cards or trade them or try to change them.  We simply have to move forward with what we have.  As we move forward we choose how we think about our journey, we choose how we think about our challenges.  The only thing that helps me keep moving through the most difficult days is knowing that I am loved.

I have a Daddy, a God that loves me and cares about me more than anyone else.  He doesn't like that I am having pain any more than my family who watches me hobble across the house.  He understands how disappointed I am to have to take so much time off work.  He cares more about what I have had to give up than anyone else does.

However, If I look closely, I can see his helping hand.  The people that come alongside to show their support and kindness are a gift from my Daddy.  The medication available to relieve my pain is a gift from my Daddy.  Being surrounded by love and understanding from close friends and family is one of my favorite gifts from my Daddy.

Things won't always be easy.  Life will deal some terrible hands.  My Daddy will always take care of me and show me His love in the most precious ways.

Orange Story: Comparing Scars

Once I was a month into living with MS I had already talked with many other people who had MS. 

The first thing I noticed was that everyone's story is completely different.  Everyone has different symptoms, responds to medication differently and has different needs for their life. 

It's important to be careful not to compare your journey with another's.  If your medicine works for you it doesn't mean it will work for everyone else.  If you can continue through your life and your job with no issues, it doesn't mean that someone else can fly by as easily as you.

This isn't only true for MS.  This is true for all of us that walk through life.  Our stories aren't identical.  If they were it would be boring.  Our journeys aren't the same and what works for you may or may not work for your neighbor.

Our hope is that when we share our stories with one another we can feel that we are not alone.  Our neighbors struggle too.  We can gather hope from each other's victories.  We can gain wisdom from each other's successes.  There are no guarantees that another's recipe will work in our kitchen, but we can tweak it and make it our own. 

This revelation isn't a bunch of metaphors thrown together.  I've had to listen to people try to convince me that their medication was better after they listened to the side effects I was dealing with.  It wasn't much farther into the conversation when they finally remembered their horrible side effects.  The reality of changing medications comes down to trading one set of side effects for another.  I've heard people try to reassure me that I'll be okay because their friend has lived for years with MS and everything is fine.  Many others can't see MS on me and are confused about what is really wrong.  They look at me like I'm making it all up.

Listen to others when they talk about their scars and don't pretend to know what they are going through or have gone through.  Understand and be willing to say, "I'm sorry, that sucks," then leave it at that. 

Simply Shitty

Some days are simply shitty and there is no other word to describe them.  Sometimes everything falls apart.  Sometimes everything is difficult.  Sometimes the journey is all uphill with sad reminders and big obstacles at every turn.

There are great days when we are moving forward and feeling victorious.  We made it through our list, we impacted someone's life, we felt the full measure of our potential and we know we are amazing.

Then there are the shitty days.  We thought we were through the muck, but now we're in it deeper.  While we are down the sky is dark and we can't see the way out.  We know it's there, but we can't see it.  We can't find the light.  Our only hope is to make our own light.  We have to remember it.  We can't see the sun, but we remember.  We remember how the sun breaks through the clouds.  We remember how the muck will eventually dry up.  We remember that the last time we felt this way, we found our way out.

Some days are simply dark.  Some days the light seems too far.  Some days are simply shitty.

Thank God it is only some days.  Some days are shitty, but there are a whole lot more that are amazing and beautiful and remind us that we can survive the shitty days and soon enjoy the amazing again.

Orange Story: Eating

My MS medication comes with two primary side effects: flushing and stomach pains.  The paperwork says that after two years both side effects are equivalent to those of people who have a placebo.  Knowing I couldn't wait two years to get rid of the pain, I changed my diet.

I began eating gluten free and dairy free foods.  I took almond milk in my coffee instead of cream.  I stopped drinking milk of which I used to drink gallons.  I stopped eating breads and crackers.  The immediate result was that my stomach pain and flushing went away.

At first I didn't enjoy the food as much, but I realized that "I was eating to live rather than living to eat."  I knew that what I put in my body helped me whether I liked it or not. 

At the beginning of the diet the memory of the intense pain was still fresh in my mind so at that time the choice to eat gluten and dairy free was easy.  I knew I might have moments in the future when I would crave something I shouldn't eat, but I didn't have any cravings at the beginning.

People gave me a difficult time for eating this way.   They acted like I was inconveniencing them by eating differently.  I heard comments like, "What do you eat then?"  I was eating carrots and the people that were eating chips commented on my healthy choice.  Eating is a choice. 

I chose to eat in such a way that I would feel no pain from my medication.  If the result was a healthier body and the ability to say no to donuts because all I saw in them was pain, then I would gladly accept it.

After taking my medication for over 2 years I have minimal side effects.  Every once in a while if I am tired or stressed I get flushing side effects in the morning, but I don't have any stomach pain.  I'm not perfect on the diet like I was in the beginning, but I pay attention to my body and feed it what will make it feel good, not what will make me feel good.

November Birthdays

During the month of November we used to celebrate my grandma and grandpa's birthdays.  Now when their birthdays come around, we remember them.  We remember them with tears and we remember them with love.

I saw some yellow flowers and remembered how my grandpa used to pick flowers in the pasture where he was farming and bring them back to my grandma.  He liked yellow.  I imagine my grandma responding like grandpa was silly, but inside appreciating his thoughtfulness.

I see a pansy and think of my grandma.  Pansies decide to grow where ever they want.  They don't care if they are supposed to be there or not.  My grandma liked pansies because they looked like smiling faces.  She did her thing.  She grew where she wanted.  She grew in the rocks.  Nothing could keep her down.

I miss my grandparents.  I miss being able to talk to them.  I miss their support and understanding.  They cheered me on no matter what.  I was always amazing in their eyes.  I can't call them anymore or write them nice letters, but I can remember them.

I remember their faces.  I remember them in the kitchen.  Grandpa would sit at the table listening to the news and watching the neighbors go by, informing us who was speeding or wondering where they were going.  Grandma would be fussing about the food and would refuse to sit down for a moment. She would always have coffee and hidden desserts.

If remember baking cookies during the holidays.  I remember playing games that my grandma couldn't remember the rules for.  I remember painting the fence, pulling weeds, finding vegetables in the garden, putting puzzles together and exploring.  I remember special drinks and special moments.  A quick visit lasted over an hour.

I don't get to have them back.  That makes me sad.

I have years of memories and moments that I will never loose.  That makes me thankful.

Orange Story: Be Healthy

My stomach pains continued.  They were bearable during the day when I didn't take my MS medication. At night they still woke me up when I did take my MS medication.  I didn't know if I would ever be able to handle the pain.

My husband found a book written by Dr. Terry Wahls that describes a diet where the food gives your body the fuel it needs to repair itself.  Since my husband can't make my stomach pains go away, he found something he could do to help me.  He discovered a new way to eat.  Dinner last night was yummy.  We had kale, peppers, avocado, tomatoes, ground beef and salsa on a bed of corn chips.  I felt full and good eating that.

Some days I stuck to the diet, some days I didn't.  On the days I stuck to the diet I felt good and had minimal stomach pains.  This had to become the new normal.  The delicious food wasn't worth the pain it would give me, so I happily and easily chose to tell the food that was hurting me good-bye in exchange for painless days.

I originally thought that MS would be something that brought medication into my world and that would inconvenience me once in a while.  I was wrong.  MS is going to transform how I do everything forever. 

It has. 

I have stuck with this new diet for over 2 years.  I exercised consistently for 2 years, something I have never done before, I pay attention to how I feel and make decisions accordingly.  MS has forced me to become the healthiest person I could become.  Staying healthy is a battle I am willing to fight and must fight each and every day.

The Daily Battle

About a month ago I started having a shooting pain down my right leg.  I was fairly certain my sciatic nerve was causing the pain, but I didn't know why or how to fix it.  I paid attention to every movement and moved in ways that caused little or no pain.

Today, that pain is so severe that the only pain free position is lying flat on my back on the floor with my knees up on a stool.  Yes, the only pain free position.  Right now I am kneeling by my bed to type this. 

It took a few doctor's visits to discover I have a herniated disc in my back.  The disc is pushing on my sciatic nerve causing pain to shoot like fire down my leg.

It hurts to walk, it hurts to sit, it hurts to stand.  I've stopped driving.  I can't pick things up off the floor without pain.  My family has all taken a turn putting my shoes on me.

Don't feel badly for me.  I'm simply painting a picture. 

In the midst of this debilitating pain,  I am thankful. 

I know that this won't last forever, even though some days I'm not sure I can take another minute of it. 
I am blessed with a family that knows how to take care of things around the house and if it doesn't get done, everyone is okay with that.  I'm thankful for the many kind eyes and words of concern and empathy I have received as I limped down the halls at school.  I didn't complain, they simply cared.  I'm thankful for the things I can still do.  I'm ever so capable.  Perhaps when this pain is gone, I'll be even more thankful for what I can do. 

I've said many times that the thing that keeps me going is celebrating what I am able to do.  You never know when it will be taken away.  I will enjoy sitting and walking pain free again.  I will enjoy being able to run with my students or simply sit on the floor with them again.

Until then, I still have much to be thankful for.  I still have much to rejoice over.  I am still surrounded by love and kindness and compassion.

Life gets tough.  It gets really tough.  Keeping our eyes on what we have and not what we've lost reminds us to look forward and not behind and gives us the strength to fight and move forward and rejoice in each new day.

Orange Story: Stomach Pain

 One day shortly after starting my medication, 2:30 am brought doubled-over stomach pains.  It wasn't until my husband put his hand on my back that the pain eased up enough for me to go to sleep.  I'm sure he was praying for me, but his hand also calmed me.  It didn't feel great the next morning, but I could still function.

The next day the pain was immense and intense and debilitating.  I had to call in sick.  My stomach hurt so badly it brought me to tears.  I couldn't stand or walk for long.  My husband read that someone described the pain like a person was twisting their stomach like you wring out a cloth.  I agreed.  I skipped my pill that morning hoping I could get a handle on the pain for a day.  It felt like it was compiling and getting worse.  The first day the stomach pain came, then went.  On this day, it just stayed.  It went through waves of differing intensities.  It hit me hard after lunch yesterday.  I couldn't function.  I called the office and barely uttered I wasn't feeling well.  Thankfully, within minutes the counselor brought the cavalry and shooed me home.  It takes quite a bit to keep me from teaching.  This pain fit the bill. 

Here I was taking medication that was supposed to keep away episodes that could steal functions from my body.  While the medication was doing this good thing, it was causing debilitating pain in my stomach that kept me from all daily functions.  This is such a difficult battle to fight, to maneuver around and to find a way through. 

What makes us keep fighting?  What makes us look for a way through the pains and difficulties that won't leave us alone?  What makes us willing to keep moving forward through the obstacles that won't leave us alone? 

For me, it is simply worth the fight?  It's worth fighting, knowing that I will win and have victory over my situation again.  I will be able to look back on the battle and stand in awe of my strength and know that nothing will ever be able to take me down.

Flexible

I don't feel like I have anything new to say. 

This week I have still been living with pain as I have been trying to create a way for it to heal.  I am desperately trying to avoid strong medication that messes with me and surgery that I feel will mess me up.

I have been giving more of myself than I have to parents of students, to my students and having very little left for my family. 

I have experienced genuine care and concern from people who are paying attention and pat answers and empty phrases from those who don't really know me.

I have been reminded of my inability to ask for help as I struggle to complete simple tasks silently aching when there is someone a few feet away that could help if only I would ask.

I have been reminded of my strength to overcome difficulties no matter what gets thrown at me.

Some of this weeks moments have been difficult and some have been precious.

Each day and each week hold these up and down moments.  How do we see these moments?  How do they change us?  How do they frame our memories and our hopes? 

Life is ever moving.  It is always changing and shaping us.  Do we let it or do we fight it?  Do we bend and move with the day or do we stand rigid and refuse to be shaped by our circumstances? I know each event in each day molds me.  I hope I am flexible and don't fight against circumstances that will make me stronger and better.

Orange Story: Side Effects

The side effects began.  I was taking my MS medicine twice a day.  After about a week, the side effects I read about starting making themselves known. 

I had conferences at school.  Conferences meant that I spent the day teaching, then spent the following 4 hours meeting with parents.  Under normal circumstances conferences are tiring.  I was feeling exhausted from conferences then I started having flushing and stomach aches all at once.  I never knew what flushing was until it began.  It feels like your face is on fire.  Sometimes it spreads to your chest.  I felt so poorly I cried.  I was breaking.

The biggest problem was I had to keep teaching.  I couldn't stop and take a break.  I couldn't walk away and gather myself.  I had to keep going for the sake of 25 third graders.  The side effects eventually subsided, but the exhaustion didn't. 

I stayed down the following day.  I was confident my body would get used to this medicine, but in the meantime this was tough and I felt miserable. 

How many times does the solution cause pain?  I know side effects are common with medication.  Medication is supposed to help us, but in the meantime it can also hurt, then we need more medication to help the new hurts. 

How often is the solution to other things in our lives painful?  The solution to a tricky relationship is giving something of ourselves that we aren't used to giving.  The solution to a trying job may be finding a new job or committing to completing difficult tasks.  There is always a little pain or discomfort in the solutions.  Sometimes the pain comes during the time it takes for the solution to finally relieve us.

Eventually, we get used to the pain or we adapt to it.  Not everyone has to deal with side effects of necessary medication, but everyone has to wait for solutions to all of the problems that try to take us down.  We can do it.  We can overcome all the side effects that come our way.  We may simply need to be flexible.