Good-bye 2017

As I reflect on 2017, I keep thinking it was one of my most difficult years.  Between working on my master's, moving, beginning a new teaching position and the difficulty with my sciatic nerve and back surgery, I don't feel like I got a lot of reprieve from some sort of mountain to climb or valley to sit in and wait for the sun to reappear.

Even after all of this, I would never say it had been a bad year.  It has been difficult, but I never let the difficult take me out.  I got hit a few times.  I felt discouraged when the work load didn't seem to end.  I felt overwhelmed when the tasks didn't stop coming, I felt beat up when the pain wouldn't go away.  Through all of those blows, I never got knocked out.  I never laid down refusing to get back up.

My family and I have been watching the Rocky series this week.  As awesome as those movies are each one essentially carries the same story.  Rocky is going to retire.  Someone calls him out to fight one more time. He has to fight to prove himself, but also because that is who is.  He is a fighter.  He gets hit in the fights.  His face gets bloody and swollen, he even staggers sometimes, but in the end he doesn't give up.  He keeps coming back for more and by the end of the movie he wins.

I'm not a fighter like Rocky.  I am actually a peacemaker by nature, but when it comes to the blows life sends my way I simply keep getting back up.  I know the difficult moment cannot last forever.  I know that there is always hope.  I know I can take the next step even if I don't have the strength to take the next ten steps.

I will have more difficult moments.  I may even have more difficult years.  We are often chiseled and made stronger in those moments.  I won't stop hoping for a victory.  I won't stop getting back up after life sends a right hook.  I won't stop believing in a divine purpose for my life that goes beyond the moment in front of me.

Whether you've had an amazing year of blessings and ease or a difficult year, or something in between, please be encouraged.  Be encouraged when you see what you have already gone through.  The most difficult things have already come your way, for me it has been cancer, MS, and debilitating pain that knocked me out for over a month.  I have already made it through those things.  I have already figured out how to live with the scars they leave.  There isn't much more I can't handle.

As you welcome in a new year, be hopeful, be encouraged.  Know that the year offers diamonds, but it may come to you as coal that needs some time and some refining before you can see the gem it will bring to your life.

I'm not speaking as someone who always has an easy time.  I am speaking as someone who usually has a mountain to climb, but I keep my eyes on the view and know that as long as I keep walking I will eventually get there.  Whatever mountain awaits this year, welcome it.  Welcome the rugged trail, the view and the refining it will do to your character and soul.

Welcome new year and all you have!

A New Year Philosophy

As we are coming up on the end of another year, I have another thought. I originally thought about this the January after my cancer diagnosis.

A new year to many people means new beginnings.  They can begin fresh, forget about their failures and try to do or be something new.  To me, it's a new day just like all the others.  Each day I have a choice to begin fresh, to learn from yesterday's mistakes and to come a little closer to being the person I want to be.  A new year is a great time to start that, but so is each day.  If I fail on day two of the New Year I have to wait until the next year.  Instead, on my system, I simply begin again tomorrow.

So in this new year I want to walk through and be completely present in each day.  I want to accept each moment as a gift and treasure it.  I want to learn from my mistakes quickly and move forward.  I do not want to miss a day because I'm looking forward to or dreading the next day.

I want to live to my fullest, not caring if I please everyone, only caring if I've loved, showed compassion, kindness and generosity.  I don't want to judge myself harshly, but instead be gracious with myself.

Functioning

Every day brings its own challenges.  Every challenge has its own mountains and valleys.  I know everyone experiences days of great blessings and days of great trials.  Everyone experiences easy days and difficult days.  My greatest lesson through all my challenges is that there is always something better and there is always something worse. 

On the worst days there are still blessings to be counted.  On the best days there are still greater achievements to be made and mistakes from which we can learn.

I'm thankful today.  I am able to do most things.  My back is healing nicely from surgery.  I do not have the pain anymore.  I am working on healing and getting stronger.  I can do most things without help from my family, while just a few weeks ago, I couldn't tie my own shoes. 

Each day that I can pick up something I've dropped on the floor, I am thankful.  Each night I can sleep through the night, I am thankful.  When I drive my car and do errands by myself, I am thankful.  When I can sit, walk and stand without assistance I am thankful.  Each time I move without pain, I am thankful.  I can stand long enough to take a shower.  I can put on my own clothes.  I can put dishes away.  This long list of achievements are all things I couldn't do on my own not so long ago.  I am functioning in a way I wasn't before and couldn't be happier.

I know each day I will get a bit stronger and add accomplishments to my list.  There may be another bad day, but the blessings will still be present.

I hope to remember to be thankful in a year when all of this is in the past.  I want to celebrate and rejoice my ability to move and function without pain. 

I need to remember to always rejoice in the small pleasures.  I can't foresee the future.  I can't predict tomorrow.  I can be thankful for what I have today.  I can celebrate my achievements. 

Puzzle

My daughters gave me a new puzzle for Christmas.  I enjoy doing puzzles.  I enjoy logic games.  I like the challenge.  I like finding short cuts and I enjoy the satisfaction of solving the puzzle.  It is essential that I only do these puzzles during holidays.  I tend to keep working on them until they are finished.  All other daily tasks take a back seat to the puzzle.  My family laughs as I gravitate towards the puzzle like I'm magnetically attached to it.  I'm sure many of you don't feel the way I do.

As I've been working on this 2000 piece puzzle I've made a few observations.

The first time I looked through the pieces I saw color.  I saw all the colors of the rainbow and everything in between.  I saw blue sky and blue water and felt a little overwhelmed.  The puzzle has colored buildings that look similar.  I saw orange plants, blue rocks and pink sunset sky. 

The second time I looked through the puzzle I started to see patterns.  I saw how the sky gradually changed from dark purple to light.  I saw the subtle changes between the different houses.

The third time I looked through the puzzle I saw shapes.  I noticed lines and boxes.  I noticed the rocks and the grass.  I noticed the mountain and the different types of trees.

The fourth time through I noticed intricate details.  Some buildings had words, some buildings had clothes hanging on the line, there were people, single trees and power lines reaching for the sky, boat were waiting to be put into the water.

Each time I made my way through the pieces and noticed something new I thought about how this same principle happens in life.  It isn't until we've spent some time with others that we truly begin to see the details that make them who they are.

Any time I've attempted a change in my life, it has taken many passes before the change started to look like something recognizable.  We began the journey of moving out of our old house 3 years ago.  We knew we wanted to downsize so the first thing we did was get rid of things we knew we didn't want to move. Every 6 months, we would get rid of a few more things.  Each spring for 3 years we had a yard sale and were surprised at the amount of unwanted things we were able to sell.  Even after we moved, we still hauled truck loads away.  Downsizing, simplifying, was just like each pass through the puzzle box.  We kept finding something new we hadn't seen before.

Knowing that we can't completely know everything immediately, we need to remember that everything takes time.  Knowing others well takes time, knowing ourselves can take time, changing anything about our lives will take time.  And, just like with the puzzle, when you get overwhelmed, walk away, do something else and come back later so you have fresh eyes and can see clearly again.  Don't get down on yourself for not completing the puzzle right away.  The process can be just as enjoyable as the finished product.

Daily Gifts

Today was our first day of Christmas break.  Since this has been such an odd year with my surgery and the 3 weeks I couldn't walk, we didn't do our normal Christmas shopping in November and discovered we had to finish up some shopping today.  We were struggling a little because this year feels a bit busier than previous years.  When it feels busy and hectic, it doesn't feel like Christmas. 

I became curious about past Christmases.  This is my husband's and my 21st Christmas.  I wondered what some of my thoughts were years ago?

My girls were four years old and one year old during Christmas in 2005.  We had been married for nine years.  I don't remember which job my husband had. I was a waitress at a local restaurant.  Here is an entry from that Christmas:

The Lord has determined that we should not have a large surplus of money for any extended period of time.  But He has also determined to provide for us in such a way that all our bills are paid and our needs are met.  We had to take both girls to the doctor this month.  We no longer have WIC and we need to begin paying the full amount on our student loans.  Our gas bill is over double what it was last month, but after this weekend we will be able to pay it.  Last night I received at least two $10 tips on $40 checks and some other high percentage tips.  The Lord completely blessed my night.  We were able to spend almost $600 on Christmas gifts just for our family.  We were able to buy gifts for my husband's parents and brother and sister-in-law. (We weren't able to do this in previous years.)

God is taking such good care of us despite our circumstances that seem to be against us.  In the mist of my thankfulness I pray for a new job for my husband, a job with enough pay to take care of all our bills and perhaps, if it be the Lord's desire, enough for us to buy a house again.  I also pray the job provides good benefits for all of us allowing us the freedom to take our kids to the doctor when they are sick.  I also pray that this job gives my husband payed vacation and that it be on he can enjoy and find ministry opportunities in.  

I don't know what God has in mind for us, but even if it is not anywhere near my prayer, it will be the best thing.

We had a nice Christmas.  It was most definitely a blessed Christmas.  The Lord provided.


I remember this time.  I remember each day worrying about how to pay our bills and at the same time thankful that they were paid each month and we were daily provided for.  I learned to daily give my needs to God or I would feel despair and hopelessness.

Today all those prayers have been answered.  We both have fulfilling jobs we are successful at, good benefits meeting all our medical needs, we can always pay our bills and we have paid vacation.  We get to impact the lives of young people positively each day.

Looking back at this old Christmas post, I couldn't be more thankful for where we are today.  I also hope that each person can be encouraged that God loves us and even when it seems things are bleak, there are so many things to always be thankful for. 

Christmas isn't about the gifts we give or receive.  Christmas is about the gifts we enjoy daily which are present in our lives.  We open the door to our home and walk into a precious gift of a place we belong.  We share our valuable time and energy with our loved ones daily and never run out of the ability to give a bit more.  Some days are so difficult.  They won't be difficult forever. In the midst of the difficulties there is always a precious gift to be thankful for. 

3 Types of People

Up until 3 days ago, I had been unable to work for 5 weeks.  I wasn't out of work.  I wasn't taking a vacation.  I was unable.  For the first part of that month I couldn't walk, sit or stand without debilitating pain.  The second part of the month was spent recovering from back surgery.  I walked a little bit more each day in order to gain strength.  It turns out that when you are forced to be on your back for multiple weeks, your legs start to loose their ability to move properly.  

I'm thankful I'm back to work.  I'm thankful the only pain I have is an ache because my muscles are still getting stronger.  I'm thankful, thankful, thankful.  This is not what I want to talk about.

One observation I've made in returning to work is that there have been 3 different types of people welcoming me back to after my long absence.  There were the dear people who had been concerned and worried and were so glad I was able to return to school and that I was feeling better.  The second group were people who welcomed me back because they thought they should.  They didn't really care one on way or another.  The third group of people didn't believe that I actually needed to miss that much work.  These people haven't said this outright, but their behavior towards me makes it very clear that my absence was an inconvenience for them and they aren't certain it needed to happen.

Other people's reactions don't affect me because I know what I had to do and will always take care of my health.  I know that I did everything I had to do and I don't have to answer to them.

Unfortunately, these reactions don't only happen to me.  People everywhere are judging other people's lives and situations and thinking they understand.  It happened to me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Everyone who knew someone who had cancer was suddenly an expert on my situation.  People who know others with MS try to tell me how to act because those people are fine, I should be fine.  People who are judging me now know someone with back surgery or they know someone who has nerve problems.  They are judging my actions based on the situations of the people they know or think they know.  

Remember to be compassionate, understanding and a good listener.  Remember that everyone has to walk their own path.  They have to account for their actions on their journey.  Judgement creates chasms of space between relationships that can't be bridged.  Judgement closes doors.  Judgement pushes people away.  

Everyone's story is different.  It's okay to share stories and learn and grow from each other's journeys, but there is never a time when you can judge another's journey without walking in their shoes.  Even if you are able to walk in their shoes, it still won't be their journey because those shoes weren't met for you. 

Try to open your eyes throughout your day and see what is truly around you.  See the weary waitress who is trying to do her best, but her baby kept her awake all night.  See the tired Grandma who is trying to raise her grandchildren.  See the children who are only misbehaving because no one is paying attention to them.  

You don't know the whole story.  Please, soften your heart and see and keep your mind from judging.  Consider the circumstances that have made this person behave this way or make these decisions.  It isn't always black and white.  There is usually much more to the story.

Yes, I take my own advice.  I am not judging the people who are judging me.  I understand they don't really know what I went through.  All they know is  I made their life difficult.  They can't imagine taking that kind of time off of work.  That's okay.  I will do everything in my power to make their lives easy.  Hopefully I can help them with their burden.  I have no expectations from them.  I hope eventually they won't be upset with me anymore. 

Thrive

We all like to know what to expect.  We schedule events on our calendar.  We create agendas for meetings.  We watch a movie trailer or read a book jacket before committing to watching or reading.

As much as we might like surprises we also like to plan and predict and derive comfort from routine.

I returned to work today.  I moved slowly and carefully, but had no problems doing my job.  My inability to bend, twist or lift just made the day more interesting.  My second grade students were amazing.  They were happy to see me, happy to help with the lifting, moving and carrying of items.  One student was carefully watching me to make sure I didn't bend.  I could hear "You're bending!" throughout the day.  I wasn't bending, but she was going to be watching just in case.

The most surprising comment I heard came from an intelligent little girl. She said she was glad to be back to the normal schedule.  I don't know what kind of schedule the students had when I was gone.  They had the different subjects at the appropriate times, but there was probably less predictability.  Within each subject there are a set of routines I go through that the students can count on.  They can be comforted by them.

Her comment reminded me how comfortable a good routine can be.  It definitely helps little ones.  I know it can help us adults also.  If we know that at this time we will be doing this thing,, we can count on it, plan on it and rest knowing that part of our day is set and sure and stable.

My dog whines at 6 am everyday for breakfast.  She knows it's time for a walk at 4 pm and she whines for dinner at 5 pm.  We can tell time by our dog's behavior.  There is no such thing as weekends and holidays.  She wants her schedule no matter what.  It always takes months for her to adjust after a time change.  The only exercise I was allowed to do after my back surgery was walk.  I tended to walk around 2 pm each day with her.  It only took her a few days and she began whining and watching me at 2:00, ready to go for a walk.

Which part of your day has a comforting and predictable routine?  Which part of your day needs a comforting and predictable routine?  A child who knows what to expect and when to expect it feels safe.  They don't have to worry about anything except living in the moment, not concerned about the future expectations.  Being adults doesn't mean we are exempt from this need.

Since our girls were babies we have chosen to stay home at Christmas.  We don't travel out of state to see family.  It isn't because we don't want to see family, it is because we want to protect these peaceful days for our children.  We want them to wake up in their own home and be with their parents and be comfortable and at peace. 

There are plenty of busy days in our lives, there should be some moments we protect.  There should be some routines we keep to remain at peace and to give ourselves the freedom to thrive in a safe environment.

Lights

Holiday lights are everywhere.  Yesterday I saw lines of people walking amidst and among the lights.  The lights were in different shapes and designs and some simply covered the entire area. 

As we drove by them and I took in the effect the extra lights have on me, I thought for a moment about how nice it would be to see these lights all the time.  Just as quickly as the thought came, I knew that if all these lights were up all year long, I would no longer appreciate and enjoy them.

We enjoy the Christmas decorations, the trees and the lights because we only have them for a small portion of the year.  We know that in January we will have to take them down and put them away for another year.  We stop and enjoy them now because we know they will not be around forever.

How many things do we take for granted because they seem to be with us always?  Our children are daily growing and making their way out of our homes.  Do we pause and cherish the moments knowing they will not last forever or do we take them for granted and are suddenly surprised when they begin their own lives.

Our parents and grandparents seem to be ever present in our lives.  As children, we take them for granted.  They seem to always be there.  How many times do we stop and appreciate their presence?  We would like to think they will always be a phone call away, but that isn't the case.  On the day they leave us, will we regret time that we took for granted?

How many times did you feel the urge to contact an old friend then push that urge aside?  Later you discover that they needed to hear from you at that moment.

As we near the holiday when people are getting distracted by tasks and traditions, pause.  Think about what blessings you have in the people around you.  Take a moment to truly be thankful for their presence in your life and take in and enjoy them as you would the Christmas lights that will be taken down in a few short weeks.

View

Just a little over 2 weeks ago I was days out of surgery and barely moving due to pain where they cut me open.  I could only walk 400 - 800 meters very slowly and methodically.  My legs seemed to have forgotten how to walk properly. 

Just 3 weeks ago I was only able to lie in the recliner.  I couldn't walk, sit or stand without tear-causing pain.  I directed Thanksgiving dinner from my horizontal position in the recliner.  When I did move about I had to use a cane to make the pain more bearable as I walked.

Yesterday I walked 2 miles for the third time.  I can sit, stand and function in most ways.  I'm not allowed to bend, lift or twist but it isn't because of pain.  Those restricted movements are to protect my surgery.  I have to keep my back as straight as possible so it will heal properly.

It has been a month of either dealing with pain or limited mobility.  I look around my house at all the things I can't do, yet am thankful for what I can.  The day will come when I can resume all my old activities.  I will feel amazing and look back on these days with awe.  I'm thankful that for me, that day always comes.  Things may be a bit different when the day comes, but the day always comes when the pain and difficulty is in the past, when I am wholly me again with yet another appreciation for all I have to be thankful for.

When I was younger I recognized the victorious days after a period of being sick.  Then I noticed them throughout the different stages of cancer and treatment.  I noticed them after I was diagnosed with MS and after I began getting used to the medication.  I know they will come again.  I love the day when I wake up and know that I am finally looking back.  I am not simply on my way to the other side of the difficulty, but have finally reached it. 

There are many people who don't get to go through as many difficult things as I.  People miss out on the opportunity to contrast the difficult days and the good and easy days.  I don't wish it for anyone, but I find it is something to be thankful for.

I feel like Rudy in the movie.  Life keeps trying to knock me down and I keep getting back up. Everyone around me is screaming, "Stay down! Haven't you had enough?"  Then I get up again.  Realistically, if I stopped getting up, life wouldn't be able to keep knocking me down.  But, the strength comes from getting up.  The perspective on what matters and what is important comes from standing in the pain not from lying down.

I see people feel sad and sorry for me.  I don't want that.  Stand by my side and try to see what I see.  Step into my shoes, if only for a moment, so you can appreciate the beauty of life and health and love and hope.  Breathe in gratitude, sigh in peace, see the workings behind the curtain and gain strength from the revelation.

Words

Don't limit yourself with your words.

I like words, not just stories and ideas, but words.  Words have power to paint the deepest most meaningful pictures.  Words bring feelings, memories, and connections.  All through time words have shaped the future, helped us remember the past and explained the present.  I share words with my grandparents when I call or write.  They use words to share they liked my call.  People use words in everything they do.

We hear words, we read words, we think words, we use words to find our way.  Words shape us, define us, inspire us, move us, teach us, and explain us. I love words.  I love hearing them, reading them and especially letting them become part of me. 

These words have the power to create and to tear down.  As I venture into a difficult day or a difficult moment, I am aware the words I tell myself will determine my ability to handle what is coming.  If I dread it and speak about how it will be too difficult or I won't enjoy it or I won't be able to do it, then those words will come true.  If, instead, I am aware of the difficulty, but I speak about how I will overcome it or how the situation will only be for a season then I approach the difficulty ready to get the best out of it.

We surf each summer.  We've often invited or encouraged those we know to try surfing.  It's an experience that can change a person's perspective.  We aren't so extraordinary that surfing comes easy to us while others may struggle.  We are pretty normal and know that most people can at least attempt to surf and ride a few waves even if it's only on their bellies.

I love it when someone is open minded and willing to try surfing.  Whether they enjoy it or not, whether they get a chance to try or not, their willingness is wonderful.  In the same way, I hate it when I invite someone to try surfing and they adamantly reply they can't.  They don't say they won't or don't want to or even that they are scared.  They claim they can't.  You only know if you can or can't do something if you try. 

The best way to know if you are capable of the difficult is to look back at what you have already overcome.  Celebrate the victories and tell yourself that nothing can stop you.  Nothing can keep you down.  Even if all you can do is take one step at a time, that step will be a victory.

Use your words to encourage yourself and remind yourself that you are amazing and the next obstacle is simply another opportunity for another victory.

Birthday

Everyone celebrates their birthday differently.  My husband and I both celebrated our birthdays this month.  Last year we reached the milestone birthday of 40.  It doesn't bother me if people know my age because my age doesn't define me.  It is simply the number of years I have been around.

My grandma was always adamant that no one make a big deal about her age whenever her birthday came around.  She didn't want to say her age, think about it or let anyone else think about it.  She'd be found making nonsense sounds when asked how old she was. 

All my life, I didn't understand why she acted so ashamed of her age.  At each of her birthdays I wanted to celebrate her age.  I wanted to celebrate the number of years she had thrived, the changes she had seen, the obstacles she had overcome, the creations she had contributed.  She was beautiful, strong and amazing and I saw her age as a badge of honor.

However you celebrate or don't celebrate your birthday, the date that comes around each year should be a day to celebrate your life.  Celebrate what you have accomplished, overcome, and achieved. 

Another Birthday
This year I have a little more grey hair.
This year I have a new wrinkle or two.
This year my skin looks thinner.
This year my eyes look darker.
This year I can see you, I can smile, I can hold your hand, and I can be with you.

This year had some sad days.
This year had some glad days.
This year had some victorious days.
This year had some days that seemed to beat me up.
This year I can get out of bed each morning and take on what the day has for me even if it is difficult.

This year brought some cruel people.
This year brought new  treasured friends.
This year brought some thoughtless comments.
This year brought compassionate strangers.
This year was filled with people that came and supported and loved me through the good and bad.

It may simply be another birthday,
but when I look back at what was added or lost,
I am thankful to be. 
I am thankful I have the strength to stand in the face of the good and the bad, the kind and the cruel.
I am thankful for another birthday and all another year has brought me.

Tell Me

I just had the most amazing conversation with a former coworker.  She called to ask about our old house, but first she asked how my health was.  She knew I had MS because I was diagnosed while working with her.  I hadn't talked to her in over 2 years, so of course, I answered that I was doing fine.  She adamantly said, "No, how are you really doing?"  Based on the fact that she was adamant about me being honest, I thought perhaps she had been reading my blogs.  She hadn't.  She knew that MS might cause issues and wanted me to be honest with her.  She had no idea about my recent back surgery.

I informed her about my surgery and how this week was tough, but I'm so thankful that today is much better.  I felt like doing things today and, more importantly, I felt like eating.

I love that she made me tell her the truth.  I love that she was genuinely concerned.  I love that a person whom I haven't been in touch with for so long wouldn't let me get away with platitude answers.

I believe some cultures are more honest, some groups of people are more honest. 

As you consider your favorite characters from movies or television, they are probably honest.  They probably stand up for themselves.  They probably speak their mind and make sure they are heard.  The characters that aren't this way change by the end or they aren't our favorites.

Can we adjust our culture? 
Can we require honesty of others and give it in return? 
Can we respect others' ideas and opinions without getting offended? 
Can we stand up for ourselves?
Can we let others know who we really are even if they don't like us? 

We can, but will we? 
Will we try to be true to one another and ourselves? 

I plan on trying.  I realize it may take a lifetime to unlearn bad habits, but it is worth it to know that I was true and honest.

Lies

This has been a rough week.  In my mind back surgery meant that it would be easy for me to post daily blogs because of all the time I would have lying around recovering.  In turns out when you don't feel well you don't want to do anything but wait for the icky-ness to go away.  That means even your favorite tasks get put aside.

I knew that back surgery would mean a long recovery time.  I knew that I would have to modify my movements for awhile.  I am eternally grateful that I am no longer in excruciating pain, but I was surprised by the events of this week.

I didn't want to tell you about them.

I didn't want to tell you about how I felt sick during my birthday.  I had horrible stomach pains, and tried hard to put on a smile for those around me.

I didn't want to tell you how I couldn't sleep at all or that when I did, I woke every 4 hours or 2 hours or 1 hour.

I didn't want to tell you about discontinuing my pain medication and feeling some very uncomfortable effects.

I didn't want to tell you how I just wanted to lie down and wait until it was all gone, but I couldn't because I have to be gentle with my back and I have to lie down a certain way or sit a certain way so I don't cause complications with the surgery they already did.

I didn't want to tell you how I didn't want to eat anything due to my stomach pain including coffee and chocolate, which I can usually have at any time or any day.

I didn't want to tell you this because I want you to know that the surgery went fine, I'm healing, and I didn't want you to become worried about me, sorry for me, or think that things are too difficult.

Well, the surgery did go fine.  I'm recovering.  But I also had a tough week overcoming stomach pains and feeling icky.

I know that in a month or two I will look back and be amazed or proud or something when I remember what I went through.  But I'm in the middle of it now.  Right now I don't feel like being amazed by my strength or hopeful that it won't last forever.  Right now, I simply want it to go away.  Haven't I had pain for long enough? I ask the room.  Can't I just recover from surgery?  Do I really have to have a week of activity stopping stomach pains to go with it?

I do.   I can handle it.  I will handle it.  I will smile and lie to you when you ask and tell you I am doing fine.  I am recovering.  I won't tell you the whole truth, I will lie to you.

I'm sorry I do that.  It is what I have always done.  If I tell you everything, I might start to think about it too much.  If I say it out loud, I might forget to keep my eyes on what I can control.  If I voice the real truth, I might sound like I'm complaining and you won't want to talk to me anymore.

So here I am, telling you the truth.  I don't want to.  I would rather lie.  I would rather hide it from you so you don't treat me differently or look at me with sad eyes, but because I know that these things are sometimes your truth also, I want you to be free to be honest and not lie to me when I ask how you are doing.

It's okay if things aren't going well, I know that isn't your fault.  One day they will be.  One moment they will be.  I know you're trying to be strong.  If you tell me the truth, I can encourage you and love on you.  I can remember you and pray for you.

I'm sorry I lie.  I will try to do better.  Thank you for doing better too.

Loss

It is okay to grieve loss.

You are used to grieving for the loss of people and pets, but sometimes we lose other things.

With my list of cancer, MS, and now two surgeries on my medical chart I lost my perfect health record.  I didn't lose my health, I still have a lot of healthy parts to me, but I took pride in my perfect chart and grieved a little when it was first lost.  Now I'm getting used to what I have and the grieving doesn't come so often.

Sometimes we grieve a loss of tradition.  As children grow up and become adults they often have their own families or busy schedules and our normal traditions that we treasured for years often have to change.  The new traditions will be wonderful and great and will provide numerous memories, but for a moment it is okay to to be sad that the old traditions are changing.

Sometimes we grieve the loss of our things.  Usually these things carry stories with them like the favorite mug given by the relative that passed away.  It isn't that we are really sad about the mug.  We are sad that the mug we grabbed everyday won't daily be one of the reminders we have of that loved one.  It is okay to grieve that loss for a moment.  Fortunately, we usually have other ways to remember those we love.

Losses happen all the time.  We lose jobs either by choice or necessity, we will miss the people and the familiarity.  Cars leave us.  We sell them, trade them, or break them.  The car bears memories that we will have to work a bit harder to recall.  We move out of homes and lose the daily reminders they give us.  We lose moments we waste worrying about things that eventually work out perfectly.

Loss of all types brings grief.  Not all grief takes us down the same path.  My grief over people will never come close to the grief of losses of things.  But just because they are things doesn't mean we aren't allowed to be a little sad.  We can remember, cry a little if we have to, and then prepare ourselves for the next thing.  Sometimes the next thing is recognizing the strength you will get from the loss.  Sometimes the next thing is moving forward with the new.  Sometimes we simply take a moment, then move on.

Don't disregard your loss as unimportant.  It is okay to be sad for losses.

The most important thing is to set your mind on what you still have and what amazing things will be coming to replace the loss.

Weeds

A few years ago we were going on a 15 day vacation.  I spent time the day before we left pulling weeds knowing that a little weed today, left alone, would no longer be a little weed.

A little bad habit today can grow into a harmful habit.
A little annoyance can grow into a frustration.
A little nick can grow into a gaping hole.
A little misunderstanding can grow into a lost relationship.

If left alone, the things in our life that don't belong can grow to the point where they are overwhelming and dangerous.  I understood this clearly with the weeds.  Do I understand this clearly in my life?

There are many different examples that illustrate these small troubles growing into large difficulties.  It is easiest to think of where I am today.

Recently, I had a herniated disc and I had surgery to fix it.  It is blessed to be able to speak in the past tense regarding this.  It happened and is daily improving.

Before surgery, I was discussing my symptoms with doctors and specialists.  In the midst of my many conversations with them, I realized that this problem began a long time ago.  It is possible that it began years ago. 

Approximately 5 years ago, my lower back hurt me so badly I could not take large steps or stand up straight.  I did some daily stretching and yoga and managed to make the pain go away.

About 6 months ago, I started to have pain shooting down my leg.  I thought I could make it go away with stretching, massaging or rest.  I succeeded to a point.  It would get better, then it would get worse.  I would give it a lot of attention, see some improvement then give it less attention and it would get worse again.  Eventually there was nothing but medication that would touch the pain.  It was at that point that surgery became my only option.

Now that I am in the healing process and am learning to sit and walk with the best posture, I wonder if having proper posture from the beginning could have helped.  How much of my problem was aggravated because I carried heavy bags on my shoulder?  How much of this could have been avoided if I had identified the little weeds a long time ago and taken care of them before they grew? 

In this case, I didn't really know what the weed was or what I was doing to help it to grow.  I do now and I will keep a watchful eye for future weeds that try to grow up and take over parts of my life.

Santa's Lap

December 1st is one of my favorite days of the year.  It could be because it marks the beginning of a month filled with my birthday, Christmas and the potential for snow.

Today I'm reminded of a story that happened the day before Christmas Eve 5 years ago.  

While my husband and his brother prepared a Christmas gift for my girls, I had to keep them away from the house.  I took them into town.  They wanted to go see Santa.  At the time, my oldest was 11 and my youngest was 8.  

Against the voices saying:

"You don't want to do that, it'll cost money, 

I don't want to wait in line," 

I took them inside, telling myself:

"They are only young once, 

they still believe in the magic of Santa, 

this won't last forever, 

the line isn't that big of a deal compared to their joy, 

it isn't that much money in the realm of the big picture."

They sat on Santa's lap and got their picture taken.  My youngest talked his ear off. They were both thrilled.

Letting our girls believe in Santa wasn't lying to them.  It was letting them believe in magic and beauty and a pure giving heart.  These are all things Jesus came to give us, we have a fun character at Christmas giving us hope that we can have those same characteristics.  Wonder, mystery, magic.  These are childlike things that should be treasured for as long as possible, even if that means spending $10 on a photo two girls sitting on Santa's lap.