Free from Restraints

Now that school is out my youngest daughter has become a different person.  She is free and fun and talkative.  She is more like the adorable 3 year old whose spirit couldn't be squelched.  I've missed her. School and the constant assignments caused a steady state of stress on my little perfectionist and it wasn't until the year ended that she relaxed and became a normal 12 year old again.

This observation makes me wonder how many of us are restraining our spirits because of the tasks on our list or the environment we are in.  How do we become free of the restraints?  My first thought is that we try not to care what other people think.  Other people's opinions of us shouldn't determine our actions.  We should smile if we want to smile, laugh if we want to laugh and dance if we want to dance. My second thought is we need to protect ourselves from becoming squelched.  We may need to take a time to feed our souls, visit with someone who inspires us or just take a moment to be at peace. Those moments don't have to be long.  They need to give us reprieve and help us breathe.

We must remember that our souls need to be healthy.  Our spirits need to be whole.  We need to not feel squelched by the world.  I don't really know how to get out of it.  I couldn't help my youngest even through I tried.  I simply know it's important and know that we can't beat ourselves to the ground to accomplish a few things.

Pink Story: Best Path

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.” - Psalm 32:8

This is such a wonderful promise. If I remember it I can relax and know that He is guiding me.  I don’t need to fret and worry and wherever He is guiding me is what is best for me.  The problem I usually have is I think I know the best path for my life.  Once I’ve traveled a little farther down the path, I realize I had no idea what the best path was and if I would have forced my agenda, I would have ended up in a place that was not best for me.

I can trust that this bout of cancer I am dealing with is what is best for me.  He did not give me cancer, but He is walking with me down this path.  If I listen to Him, He will teach me, love me and give me His best.  I will be better and stronger.  I will be prepared for what happens next down my path.

Validation

It would make life easier if we didn't desire validation.  There is a chance that we may need it, but ultimately I think we desire it.  It helps us feel okay with ourselves.  It lets us know that others appreciate, notice or enjoy something about who we are.

It would be freeing if we could venture forth on our journeys with confidence and passion not needing to hear if we are okay or accepted or appreciated or noticed.  We could dress with confidence, speak with certainty, listen without judging, and go after our dreams without doubt in ourselves.

I haven't met anyone who doesn't desire validation.  People want to hear that their words are truly heard and cared about.  People want to know that they look okay, they didn't choose the wrong hairstyle or the wrong outfit.  People want to know their actions are good and mean something to someone.

Did you know that not hearing anything at all is the equivalent to hearing negative things?  Working hard and putting yourself out there and being ignored is just as painful as someone telling you they don't like what you did.

I felt this today.  Tears come to my eyes as I realize someone I wanted to notice and see "me" may never.  They may never see how I try to reach out and try to include them and am often a last thought. It is painful.  It is painful to feel unimportant and undervalued.

The worst part is that I know I am valued by many, many people.  There is only one I struggle to get validation from.  You would think that I could simply accept everyone else's validation and be okay, but it is more difficult than you might think.

So, here is a plea: remember to let people know they have value and know that you have value just as you are.

Pink Story: First Outing Post Surgery

On my fourth recovery day from cancer I took the car to the mechanic.  Actually, I didn’t take it because I couldn’t drive yet due to the strong medicine, so my father-in-law took me and the car.  We walked to Flying M, a nice, unique coffee shop, while we waited.  

I did okay with the trip.  I got a little extra sore just because of the extra moving.  I got tired too.  It’s incredible how a simple trip that is normally just a check on the “to-do” list can wear one out.  It would be wise to increase my activity a little each day so my first day of school doesn’t wipe me out.  Of course, increasing my activity is the last thing I want to do.  I’d rather simply rest and get better rather than work to get better.  It can be tough to know when to rest and when to work.  Here comes another moment when I have to listen to my body, figure out what it needs and then follow through with what is most helpful for my health.

Good Reading

My husband bought me a wonderful book for Mother's Day.  I also received fun books for my birthday and Christmas 5 months ago.  I haven't begun reading them yet.  Other people who have a lot going on claim they don't read for pleasure because they don't have time.  I haven't been able to read because, once I begin, I won't want to stop.  I will become a part of the stories and the thoughts and won't want to put a stop to the moment of escape. I only have a little over a month and I will be finished with the busy-ness.  I will keep the pleasure reading at bay until I can freely "escape into a good book."

I feel like I have to control my moments of escape.  If I venture too far down a path of peace and pleasure, it might take a while to come back.  Of course, a moment on that path may invigorate me for the next set of tasks.

How often do people think about what gives them strength and energy and peace and make choices that will help them perform at their best?  How often do people plan for activities that will strengthen them rather than reacting to whatever comes about?  I guard myself so that I can be my best and not waste time or energy on things that will not help me.

I know some people who escape each weekend in the summer to enjoy a nearby lake with it's calming and peaceful waters. They get judged for taking the time to do that.  In reality they are making a choice that will strengthen them for the next thing they must do.

Take a moment to make sure you are strong and capable to take on whatever comes your way.

Pink Story: Clear Margins

My surgeon called.  He said they got “clear margins” on the surgery which basically means they got it all.  Also, all of the cancer they found was DCIS, a type of cancer that doesn’t have the biological ability to spread.  I love that.  It’s like worrying that a shark swimming in the water will bite you while you are standing on the beach.  Once you realize the shark can’t come on land, you feel much safer.  Sharks are incapable of coming on the beach just like my cancer was unable spread.

The really good news is I don’t need chemotherapy.  I will start radiation in about a month.  After 6 weeks of radiation treatment, I will be done.  It is all a blessing.  I still have a slightly deformed boob.  Better to be a bit deformed and cancer free.

Last Day of School

Today was our last day of school this year.  I read the best description of a teacher's day at work the other day, teaching is like running on a treadmill at too fast a speed for 8 hours straight.  That is exactly how it feels.  The moment that last student walks out the door, the treadmill suddenly stops and you are left slightly in awe and shock that it suddenly ended.  It resembles the feeling you get at the end of a roller coaster when it suddenly stops and you think, "Is that all?"  You enjoyed the thrill so you get right back in line.  Teachers don't have to think about getting in line.  They know the ride will begin again in a few months.

It is true, for a couple of months we do not need to go to our classroom, instruct students, grade papers and manage little bodies that don't want to be managed.  The first thing a teacher does when the final day comes is to put the classroom back together, put the papers away that got neglected for the past 6 months.  The next thing that happens is the teacher breathes.  He or she breathes for the first time in 9 months.  The teacher begins to think about something other than the individual students with their individual needs.  The teacher may find hobbies that she has been neglecting or she may simply sleep.

The next thing teachers do is to begin thinking about the next year.  She begins planning.  Some of these plans are written down, some are stored in her head as she imagines the lessons and the activities that the next group of students is going to do.  Please don't think that teachers don't work in the summer.  They need to recuperate from the running then they begin the job anew.  Driving to the office does not equate to working.

If I've ever taught your student or ever do in the future, I give them all of myself and all of my energy and then I will need a few months to prepare to do it again.

Pink Story: A Little More Rest

I like my job and I like teaching.  I feel badly when I have to have a substitute.  Most of the substitutes we have are parents who would like to help. There are very few that are certified teachers. They don't have the training to know how to control a roomful of students. It's a lot more work than one would think. I have very specific routines and procedures that help our day to run smoothly. The students get used to the way the day is going to flow when I am there.  The best behaved classes can only handle a few days where the routine is abnormal before they start having troubles.

Next week is only a 2 day week because Thanksgiving break begins on Wednesday.  I was going to try to go back to school, but yesterday I decided not to. Those two days give me two weeks rest from surgery. Breaking that up would probably extend my recovery time unnecessarily. Everybody’s happy with my decision, my husband, my mom, my principal, my fellow teachers.  They didn’t think I should go back to work so early. I think I would have been fine, but I won’t turn down 2 extra days of recuperation.  

Little Bit

When there is a lot to do, simply do a little bit at a time.  It seems obvious, but it is truly difficult.

I am currently working on a paper for my master's degree.  As of today, it is 41 pages long.  I still have quite a bit to do.  I've been working on it for over a year and have about a month left until it must be finished. I get overwhelmed every time I think about it.  I keep putting it off because I want to be able to sit and focus on it for an extended period of time.

The other day, I just decided to begin.  I determined to spend at least half an hour.  I completed the next section.  I felt so much better about it.  I accomplished a piece of it.  I bit off a bite.  I moved forward a bit.

I need to remember that one bite at a time will eventually get the task complete.  Just because I can't do it all the way I want to doesn't mean that I don't do it at all.  I've done that with house cleaning before. If I can't do it all, I often don't want to do any of it.

This is a brain training thing.  I need to train my brain go after those bites.  I need to train myself to take one step at a time.  I may have 30 seconds to pull up a few weeds.  I should do it.  I don't need to wait until I can pull them all.

Pink Story: Allowing help

A friend came by on my 3rd day after surgery.  I watched her clean my house and we had lunch together.  It will always be painful to watch someone else clean my house.  I wasn’t raised to sit and watch.  I was raised to help.  I was raised to find something to do even if everything looked like it was done.  I did it.  I sat and watched and let someone else lovingly clean what I could not.

It was nice to have company.  She encouraged me to start a blog with my writing.  I’m sure that’s a good idea, but it’s scary and overwhelming.  I want to write a book one day.  Would that lead to it?  Would a blog help me write a book one day?  

Teenage Girls

I had a long conversation with my youngest daughter the other day and realized something very important that nobody says, some people know, and everyone should practice.

People need to hear positive things about them.

It may seem like an obvious thing.  You may be thinking that you already know that, but if you are like me, you don't often do it.  Remember the last time you looked at someone and thought they looked nice, did you say it out loud?  When was the last time you told someone their character was amazing or impressive?  When did you last tell someone that kind thought you just had about them?  If you're like me, you thought those thoughts, but never said them.

Teenage girls need to hear they're beautiful, kind, sweet, and amazing.  They need to be told that they are wonderful just as they are and they don't need to try to be like someone else.  If they are not completely accepted by their friends, it is not necessarily because there is something wrong with them. They are amazing and don't need to fill someone else's box.  They need to be themselves and be okay with being a bit different sometimes.   If you've met teenage girls or ever been one, being different is the last thing they want. They want to fit in, but we should encourage them to be their true selves instead.

I'm hoping you are realizing that this doesn't only apply to teenage girls.  It applies to all of us.  All of us need to be comfortable in our own skin and let others be in their own skin.  Instead of being jealous of another's amazing-ness, we need to let them know we noticed and we think it is wonderful.

Pink Story: A Day of Rest

I am still home alone recovering from surgery.  I am unable to wash dishes, sweep, vacuum or fold laundry.  Yesterday I cleaned out the dishwasher, but I was ordered not to do that today.  I feel a little queasy today.  I had to take some Metamucil which tasted like orange vomit.  I think I held off my own vomit, but my body was thinking about it.

I know there is still more coming: surgery results, radiation . . . but I have been able to be free of those thoughts this week.  Perhaps I am so preoccupied with getting better after my surgery that my mind can’t go there or perhaps it’s just the grace of God.  I sense everyone else around me is more concerned and aware than I am.  I’m just going with the flow.  

I suppose this would be a good time to write since I can’t do much else.  I’ve been wanting to write my story.  Everyone has a story. I want to write mine.  I have time on my hands, it would be wise to begin now.  However, I’m very tired this morning, so rest may win out.

Journey vs. Destination

Faith is a difficult thing.  We have to believe that things will be okay without any assurance or evidence to help us believe.  Believing that verse, "I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future," can take some work.

My faith isn't magical.  In the toughest moments I make myself remember how I got through tough moments before.  I remember how I actually didn't do anything special, I tried to keep my brain still and tried to faithfully do the next thing.  When the road was blocked, I tried to calmly turn and go the other way and not get upset about the detour.  I tell myself the road wouldn't have been good for me.  My pride is hurt a bit, but it will heal.  I keep traveling, keep actively trusting, keep telling myself it will be okay, then I hit another road block and try to calmly turn and go another direction.  Faith is knowing that I didn't cause the road block.  The road block is there to protect me, not harm me.  It never feels that way.  When you think you are headed to California and the roads are blocked so you have to go to North Dakota (a wonderful place, but not what you were looking forward to), it takes a minute to adjust and it takes some work to believe that it is ultimately for the best.  What we don't know is that in a week, there will be fires or earthquakes or rain or something in California and North Dakota will be the best and most beautiful place.

It's easy to see this after the fact.  It's easy to understand the journey and all of it's topsy turvy-ness once you've reached the destination.  The work comes in accepting the journey and not getting angry with the changes.  That's faith.  Believing that the result will be the best and most amazing thing for you and accepting that the journey won't hurt you, trusting that you may even be better for it.

Pink Story: More than Survive

Repeatedly, I see the stickers that say "survive" or "cancer survivor."  I've decided I don't like the word "survive" when it comes to my cancer.  You might say your survived a shark attack, but survive sounds so limiting to me.  It creates a picture of just making it through, almost going down, but finally pulling through.

I will not survive this cancer attack, I will be victorious.  I will win this battle because I do not fight this alone.  In fact, most days I feel like I don't fight it at all.  I am being carried through the battle.  I see it, I feel it, but I rest in my savior's arms who has already fought and won and who continues to take out each of my adversaries each day as they come at me.

I am victorious because of what He has already done for me.  I am not a survivor who is barely living. I am victorious and fully alive and will come on the other side of this stronger than before.

Duct Tape

When there is a lot going on. . . the list is long, the tasks are daunting, and life feels overwhelming, I feel like I'm being held together with duct tape.  I will appear calm, together, wise and patient, but inside I am terrified, overwhelmed, lost and ready to be finished.  Because I have imaginary, extremely colorful, duct tape wrapped around me holding everything together, I don't fall apart while anyone is looking.

The duct tape ensures that I can function like a normal person, I can make good decisions, I can drive where I need to go.  Knowing this is how the duct tape works, and I am quite successful at keeping it together when I should be falling apart, imagine what would make it unravel.

You know how strong duct tape is. You know how everyone uses it for the things they want to be held together for eternity.  What can you imagine is happening to me when the duct tape that is holding me together begins to unravel?  It is the only way I can describe these moments.  I'm being held together with duct tape.  Every once in a while, I feel a piece tear and something tries to crumble away from me.
I know that very soon, the duct tape won't be needed.  It's only temporary.  It helps get through the parts that try to beat me up.  It's my protective covering in addition to protecting me from falling apart.

It is essential that the duct tape is colored with pink and perhaps and a little orange.

Pink Story: Victorious

“O Lord, I give my life to you.  I trust in you, my God!... for you are the God who saves me.  All day long I put my hope in you.”

I can see how my situation might break a person.  I know I am okay because I have full trust in my Daddy.  He has me in all of this.  He keeps my eyes on Him and not on what is happening.  He keeps my focus in the moment rather than on anything past or future.  He holds me.  He comforts me.  He loves me through it all.

The only time I found myself crying on Monday, my surgery day, was when I was staring at the green and blue curtain that was the door and wall of my small room thinking “this doesn’t seem real.”  As the nurses went over my chart and proclaimed how healthy I was, the fact that I have cancer at 35 seemed made up.  Staring at the curtain I thought for a second, maybe it’s all a mistake.  Maybe they thought they found cancer, but it’s not really there.  How can someone so young and healthy get this sick?  

Tears threatened as I realized the reality of it all, then I moved back to the moment knowing I can do this.  I am not alone.  I will be victorious.

Juggling and Enjoying It

I was recalling my list of tasks that I have to complete in the next month and a half to someone today and discovered why I might be waking up at 3:30 in the morning, unable to shut off my brain.

The school year will be over in less than two weeks.  One week after the students go home for the summer, I must have my classroom packed and stored away waiting for my new classroom to be finished in August. Between now and the end of the school year I have to finish my final paper for my master's program.  I have 45 pages and at least 10 more to complete along with edits and finishing touches.  In mid June I travel to my college  to take 2 weeks of classes followed by my graduation week where we present our research papers. About the time I leave for my college we may be moving into a new home which means that between now and then I will also be packing up my current home and figuring out what I can get rid of.

It's a lot.  It's a lot to say and a lot to think about, but I try to take one moment and one day at a time.  I can't complete all of that in a day, but I can complete it in small chunks, bit by bit.  You eat an elephant one bite at a time.  I'm not going to worry about the bite I'll be taking on June 12th.  I'll just take the bite in front of me. I'll chew thoroughly so as not to choke and try to enjoy each bite along the way.  It won't be long and all of this will be behind me and I'll wonder where the time went.  I don't want to rush it away or be panicky or stressed.  I just want to keep moving, being careful not to miss the gems on my journey and maintain my character as my girls watch me juggle the this list of "to dos."

Pink Story: Home from Surgery

After the nurse spoke to me, I fell right back to sleep.  I woke up again, they said they'd call my husband, I went right back to sleep.  My husband came in, then I went back to sleep.  Finally, I got to the point where I could stay awake for a few minutes.  They decided it was time to go home.  

They informed me that the dye they had injected into me would cause my urine to be blue.  I went to the bathroom for the first time all day and peed royal blue pee, the color of a gemstone.  I immediately got nauseous from being up and needed to sit down.  This bout of nausea informed me that I had better not forget my barf bag on the way home.  It would be a long drive and pulling over to the side of the road would not be a good idea.

I put the bag to use on the way home, staggered into the house with my husband guiding me and almost holding me up. I promptly went right back to sleep.

My husband woke me up to give me more medicine at some time in the night then I went right back to sleep.  Sleep was coming easily.  I could hear some of the rustlings of the family, but I didn’t have the energy to interact with them.  I woke up at about 6 am finally unable to go back to sleep.  The phrase doesn’t usually go that direction.  Usually people say they finally went to sleep.  I decided to head to the basement while everyone was still asleep and watch some TV and rest. Family had come to watch the girls while we were at the hospital.  It was a blessing they were there.  My oldest got violently sick the night before we went to the hospital and they were able to care for her so I could rest for my big day.  I heard them get up and prepare to leave.  I said my good-byes and rested with all my might the rest of the day.

It’s incredible that a surgery where you essentially do nothing for a day can wear you down so much.  It’s a testament to the amount of work your body is doing while you are not watching.

From Suffering to Strength

Today in our town we had the Race for the Cure for breast cancer.  This was my 5th year attending.  I've gone with friends, my mom and my oldest daughter.  This year it was just my daughters and I.  We ran the race.  It was the first time I'd run.  It was the first time my youngest got to come and it was the first time that my oldest got to come into the survivor tent with me.

It was very sweet to have my girls with me.  We got our picture taken together in our matching shirts.  We walked through the vendors.  My youngest was thrilled by all the people, everyone in pink, she had no idea it would be like this.  She proclaimed that she had never seen this many people before.  Since we ran and were ahead of the crowd, she could see the throngs of people behind us once we turned the corner to return.  She was in awe.  My oldest was truly impressed with the survivor tent.  She liked all the pink table cloths, the flowers, the fire fighters in their dress attire that escorted us in, and the special treatment. I'm only allowed to bring one person in with me.  It was wonderful to see this through new eyes.

When I did the race 5 years ago for the first time, my husband and I did it together.  It had only been 2 months since my final radiation treatment.  I was still recovering from it and the toll it had taken on me.  I had started trying to exercise knowing that it was good for me, but hadn't regained full strength yet.  I tried to run during the race. We would run a little bit and walk a little bit.  I probably didn't run half of it and it was difficult.  The following 3 years, I walked with friends and my mom.  We walked briskly and had a wonderful time. This year, my oldest proclaimed she would be running the whole thing.  My youngest and I decided to run as much as we could.  We ended up running all but a a little bit, I don't know the measurement.  It may have totaled 10 minutes of walking.

I was thrilled when we ran through the finish line together.  I felt strong and amazing and more than a survivor.  I felt victorious.  This thing that tried to take me out, helped me to find a way to become the strongest and healthiest person I could.

Pink Story: Successful Surgery

We left early for the hospital.  While we were driving I found myself wishing that I had written down my thoughts before we left.  I was having a difficult time processing how I felt about what lay ahead.  I felt scared, only slightly nervous.  I knew I could do it.  I often remembered what a friend said about making my body a living sacrifice, just letting the doctors do what they needed to do.  I knew this, but I still felt the fear overtaking my body.  I was frozen, yet focused and ready to get it over with.

I began at the Breast Center (yes, the name of the place is on the building, a definite sign that there is too much breast cancer when they get their own building).  This was the same place I had my second mammogram.  They took a lot of pictures and placed a wire in my breast.  This wire was a roadmap for the doctor to know exactly where to go.  

Next they wheeled me to the nuclear medicine lab where I laid on a table that rolls back and forth.  They injected me with blue dye and a radioactive solution.  They rolled me under a camera so they could watch where the dye went.  It quickly began traveling to one of my lymph nodes.  They took many more pictures.  The worst part was that I had to keep my arm over my head for over 30 minutes and it fell into a painful sleep.

Once that was over, I went to pre-op.  They gave me an IV, asked questions, took my blood pressure and temperature.  I only had a little bit of a wait there.  I laid there for a few minutes all alone waiting for the next step.  I stared at the pale yellow curtain and wondered if they had made a mistake.  This couldn’t be real.  This couldn’t be happening to me.  I have the best health of most people I know.  They must be making it up so they can make more money.  Maybe they looked at someone else’s mammogram.  How was this real?  But it was real, it was happening and nothing was going to make it stop.

They gave me anti-nausea drugs then they gave me the relaxing drug.  I enjoyed the relaxing drug.  I felt relaxed and peaceful.  They wheeled me to the operating room, this is where the relaxing drug was good to have, the operating room was not very inviting.  It was big and cold and sterile and filled with more people than I could identify.  I wasn’t able to see all that was there clearly, but I knew that it was good I wasn’t fully coherent.  My scared factor would have soared.  They put compression boots on my legs, then asked me to breathe deeply into the oxygen mask.

The next thing I remember a nurse was waking me up telling me I did good.  

My Health Savings Account

I went to see my MS doctor today.  There is a lot of good that came from my visit.  My last scan shows no change from the scan the year before.  With MS, this is good news.  The relapses can show up and change something physically, but the scariest part is that lesions can be growing or developing in your brain without any observable changes.  An unchanged scan is my favorite news.

As I sit and listen to my doctor, I am thankful for the non-medical choices I make for my health.  I eat a very specific diet and don't waiver even in the presence of a doughnut.  I exercise regularly.  I work hard to go to sleep on time.  I say no to things that will wear me out or steal my time.  I try to manage and control stress. I guard my energy with every decision I make: food, exercise, activities, sleep and stress.  If I don't make good decisions I don't feel well, I get sick or I'm simply worn out.

I don't understand why more people don't do this.  People everywhere are struggling.  Why aren't they monitoring their schedule?  Why aren't they exercising to be healthy instead of to be skinny?  Why aren't they choosing sleep over busy schedules?  Why aren't they choosing to eat food that will make them feel well?  I don't understand.  Perhaps they are okay with their choices.  Perhaps it doesn't feel that badly to them.  I can't. I can't let up or I am not okay.  I may not be making these decisions if I didn't have to, but I do and I choose to be the healthiest person I can.  It's my health savings account.  If I am super healthy then, if something happens, it won't be able to take me out.

With my history, there is little chance that nothing will ever try to take me out again, but I won't let it without putting up a fight.

Pink Story: Surgery. . .

Surgery was scheduled for November 12th.  We celebrated our anniversary downtown enjoying the culture, eating good food and buying some early Christmas presents.  My husband tried to create some distractions to keep my mind off of everything.  For the most part it worked.  I still thought about surgery only a few days away, but not as often as I would have if I had been at home.  I might have been useless at home looking for distractions more than enjoying the weekend.

The weight instantly got heavier when we got home.  I held it in ok, but I felt it down to the center of my bones.  Being still and quiet was difficult, being busy was difficult.  This would be my first surgery.  The longest amount of time I've spent in a hospital was when my girls were born.  This was definitely different.

The surgery itself wouldn't necessarily be the end.  There was still a chance that they might find more than they had originally seen.  There was still a chance it had spread to my lymph nodes.  They wouldn't know until the surgery. The surgery, which was scary by itself, could potentially be the beginning.  It could also be the end or the beginning of the end, but the unknown was still tremendous.

Persevere

This is one of my favorite words.  I always share it with my students.  I tell them that it means you keep going even when things are difficult.

I picture a mountain covered with trees, flowers, rocks and meandering trails.  I imagine walking and climbing up that mountain.  Parts of the path are more difficult than others.  Parts are steeper than others when the climb gets very slow.  Parts are flat and covered with flowers, the traveling is easy.  Parts seem impossible to traverse.  That is when the perseverance comes in handy.  I keep moving even though it's difficult.  A little step, a little progress is insurmountably better than no progress, or worse, going backwards.

Just keep moving.  Persevere through it all then the view from the top of the mountain will be the best reward.  Look back and look at what you made it through.  Now, you know you can persevere through anything.

Pink Story: Anniversary

My 16th anniversary has arrived.  Special days don’t wait until cancer has passed.  Sixteen years is somewhat of a long time, but it doesn’t feel like it.  It feels like a breath of time.  The early years held many adjusting days.  We had to learn how to live together, how to give a little, how to take a little.  We had to learn our roles with each other and in our home.  We learned what the other recognized as love and caring and we learned how to show that. We learned to speak in a language the other understood.  

We learned how to walk together through hard times, how to be there for one another.  Most days we learned when to speak and when not to speak.  This season is another another tough one.  It’s the most difficult tough time we’ve ever had.   I know that surviving it won’t be a problem.  We’ve already survived so much.

I praise God that most people can’t tell by looking at us that we are in the midst of difficult days. The other storms in our lives have made us stronger and taught us that our Daddy always takes care of us.  We have no doubts about making it through this season.  We just lean in on each other and keep walking.

Faith

Faith is believing what can't be seen or proven.

Faith keeps us from quitting.
Faith encourages us to take one more step.
Faith reminds us of the possible.
Faith makes us attempt the impossible.
Faith gives us hope in the darkness.
Faith shines its light on the possibilities of the future.
Faith gives us strength.
Faith helps us overcome our weaknesses.
Faith moves us to new places.
Faith helps us survive the tough places.
Faith has no substance.
Faith has no description.
Faith is in us, moving us, making us stand and giving our eyes something bigger than us to believe in.
Faith is the fuel for our lives.

Pink Story: Rejoice, Refuse Worry

“Rejoice today, refusing to worry about tomorrow.”  

In this place where I am now, not worrying about tomorrow means not thinking about tomorrow.  I need to practice actively rejoicing and praising out loud.  I think that will dispel worry much faster than just not thinking.  

So here goes my attempt at rejoicing today in the midst of it all:

Today I am thankful.  I am thankful for my cheerful puppy, Shelby, who greets me with her wiggles when I wake up in the morning and helps me start my day with a smile.  I am thankful for my husband who is steadfast and has built a cozy fire for me to sit by.  I am thankful for this delicious coffee that I can enjoy before I start my day.

I am thankful for my girls who are asleep in their beds.  I enjoy their amazing spirits.  I am thankful for my supportive family who has surrounded me with love.  I am thankful for all my dear friends at school and at church.  

I am thankful for our home and it’s protection.  I am thankful for my job and that God has made me successful at it.  I am thankful for my health insurance.  Without it, we would be in financial trouble.  I am thankful that God is with me every moment of every day.  

Thank You for never leaving my side and caring for everything about me.  Thank You for your healing touch on my body and for a good doctor who puts patients first.  I trust You will give me a great oncologist.  Thank You for aligning everything in our lives so that we always see Your hand.

See More

What did you see today?  Not, what did your eyes pass over, but what did you really see?

Today, I sat back and looked at the scene.  For a moment, I stopped working ceaselessly and watched those around me.  I watched people communicate respectfully, and make discoveries through exploration.  I watched "aha" moments knowing I contributed to that moment.  I saw growth of character and knowledge seeping from young minds.

These observations are the daily and yearly result of my job.  My job is one of the most difficult I have ever done, but as another year comes to a close, I see the fruit of my labors.

What did you see today?  Did you see the surface of the people flying by you or did you see their soul, their character or their spirit?  Did you see how your neighbor, coworker, friend or family member has grown or changed?  Did you see the moments?  Did you tuck them away in your memory to retrieve later when you need to be encouraged?

It's okay if you didn't see any of these things.  Tomorrow, you have another chance.  Take a moment to see a bit more than what is showing itself on the surface.  Take a moment to see more.

Pink Story: Genetic Test Results

On November 6th, over a month after my diagnosis, I was finally scheduled to meet with the genealogist to find out what my surgery was going to look like.  I was not worried or stressed.  I was at peace.  

I left school at 1:30 and drove straight to my brother and sister-in-law’s house.  My husband and I were meeting there to drive one car into town.  We drove downtown to my appointment.  We sat down in Christina’s office and, after she assured us that she wouldn’t make us wait, reported that both tests were negative.  You could hear the air expel as we sighed.  You could see our shoulders relax down to their resting position.  I had no idea the massive weight I was carrying around wondering about the results of that test.  The relief was immense.  Negative results meant that I didn’t have the gene that would allow cancer cells to run rampant through my body.  Negative was positive news.

I found out later that my father-in law and my mom bawled with relief when they heard the news.  We were all carrying the burden.  I forgot that everyone around me was feeling their own pressures.  They were wondering and worrying right along with me.  I had tunnel vision.  I could see my journey, my steps and I used all my strength, energy and focus to stay on track and not lose my head, or more importantly lose hope.

I had no doubt I could have handled the news if it had been different, but the relief of not having to handle it was equivalent to setting down a box of 20 five-pound weights I had been carrying over my head.  I called my grandma, in part to tell her, and in part to talk to her on Grandpa’s birthday and let her know I was thinking about her.  We talked for awhile, it was good to talk with someone who’s been down this path.  She has conquered this twice, I can do it!

Flowers

Why do we like flowers?  Why do they signify new beginnings, hope, love, friendship and joy?  Right now flowers are everywhere.  It is the time when everyone is thankful that "April showers brought May flowers." Mother's Day is coming soon and flowers are a common gift whether for the table or the garden.

Most flowers smell pleasant.  Attractive smells can bring us peace or bring back pleasant memories. Flowers are colorful.  Most people can find a flower that coincides with their favorite color.  Flowers appear when the weather gets warmer and the sun shines more.  Flowers signify the beginning of a season of life and the end of a time when things were dead or hiding.

My grandma's favorite flower was the pansy because it looked like it was smiling.  You'll see the happy face next time you see a pansy.  I love how they are usually multiple colors.  I have two pansies tattooed on my arm in remembrance of her.  I see them and think of her.  I think of my mom.  I think of the last night the three of us stayed together.  Each spring pansies pop up all over my yard that I never planted.  They grow in random places and don't seem to care if they should be there or not.

Next time you see flowers, think of what they represent.  Enjoy their beauty and be thankful they return every year to remind us that life is resilient and beautiful and so are we.

Pink Story: Daily Waves

“I am always beside you helping you face today’s waves (Jesus Calling).”

Yet another quote that spoke directly to my heart.  Each day has many waves.  Some of the waves are exciting and fun and some are terrifying.  Honestly, all the waves look scary to me from the shore.  They don’t start to get exciting until I get into them and actually get to ride them.  From the beach they always look larger than they really are.  By the time I’m within reach of the waves they begin to look ride-able and even a little inviting, no longer quite so daunting.  He does that, I know my Daddy is taking those waves down before they take me down.

Today, the largest wave I have to deal with is lack of time.  Daddy, will you give me clarity of mind to know what needs to be done and the efficiency to do it?  Will you help me to remember and not forget what I need as I travel from place to place?  Thank you for watching over me and making my day efficient.  Thank you for taking down the big waves and letting me ride the little ones.

Consistency

When my girls were little, I was concerned about who they would grow up to become.  I wanted them to be caring, responsible, kind, honest, hard-working, independent, strong, thoughtful and to understand how to trust in God.  Every decision I made regarding them was made in light of their future.  I knew I wanted my girls to sleep in their own beds so from day one I put them in their own bed.  I wanted my girls to obey so we practiced what that would look like.  We practiced what it would look like when and I called them, they said, "coming" and ran to me.  Today, my teenagers never give me attitude when I call.  They always come. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but it creates a very sweet relationship between us when that simple tension is removed.

I praised their character more than their actions.  When they helped clean, I praised their responsible character and hard working spirit.  When they succeeded in school, I praised their effort more than their grades.  When they put someone else first, I praised their thoughtfulness and caring.

Today, I have the most amazing teenage girls I have ever met.  They care about others.  They are helpful and compassionate.  They are so responsible that I don't have to nag or pester them to complete their tasks. They pay attention and learn from their mistakes.  They recognize the wisdom of their parents and learn from our mistakes as well.  They respect their elders and appreciate good and true relationships above superficial.

I attribute much of their character to the pure blessing and gift of God.  The rest is due to our consistency. We are the same with them everyday.  We have the same expectations.  We have goals and dreams for them and every action we take is aligned with those.  We do not have one set of expectations one day and another the next.  We are real and true.  Our girls see our weaknesses and know that it's ok to be weak.  They see our strengths and look up to us.  We are the same each day and they are amazing because of it.