Overflowing

As I rounded the final corner towards my house on my drive home yesterday, I thought, "I am so thankful to live here."  Unexpectedly, the tears flowed.  My gratitude for my home wouldn't and couldn't stay inside.  My heart swelled like a water-filled balloon on a hot day.

I am thankful the location is closer to all the other things I do.  I am thankful I know my neighbors are literally just around the corner.  The amount of comfort and peace I get from having friends for neighbors cannot be measured with any tool. 

I love cleaning my house, partly because I can.  It isn't so big that an hour or two of cleaning barely makes a dent.  The only dirt I have to clean is the dirt we actually made.  I never have to clean dirt that someone left behind and has made a permanent home in the woodwork.

I love being in my house. I feel peaceful and calm.  I never look around and sigh because something is more difficult than it needs to be.  Walking in the door grounds me.  The stress and worries of the day fall off at the threshold. 

My sick days were easier because I was here.  I didn't have to maneuver stairs.  I didn't have to worry about hauling wood and starting a fire to keep myself warm.  I didn't have to be stranded far from home.

This is the first time in 21 years of marriage that I am in a home I can see myself in for a very long time.  There is nothing trying to tug me away.  There is nothing trying to make me search for a new journey.

I hope you have something that brings you home.  I hope you have something that brings you comfort.  I hope you have something that lets you take off your shoes.  I hope you have peace in the busy moments in your life.  I hope you find a place of calm and joy no matter the storm going on around you.  I hope the lightning stays away.  I hope the rain lets you stay dry.  I hope when you see the snow outside it brings peace and calm and quiet in the busy moments of your soul.

Rocks and Hearts

I've known quite a few people who have gone through a divorce.  The only reason I write about divorce in a blog where I talk a lot about health is because divorce causes pain.  Every person that is touched by any type of divorce goes through some sort of pain. 

Every time someone shares the news of their divorce I feel so sorry.  I am sorry for the pain they have.  I'm sorry for the pain they will continue to have.  I'm sorry for the pain that will sneak up on them in the middle of the night. 

The pain comes from all directions and each person's cause of the pain is different, but the pain is still there. 

Because of this truth, when I hear the news, I am filled with compassion.  My heart breaks for them. 

My heart also breaks because I know that this person who has to journey down a path of pain is also experiencing judgement from the people who have never been in their shoes or who simply can't imagine what those shoes feel like or who don't attempt to imagine the path that person is treading. 

It's important to always remember that you are traveling down your path, not another's path, with all it's bumps, curves and twists.  Sometimes your path is full of amazing views and smooth trails.  Sometimes you take only a few cautious steps at a time through rocks and bends and overgrown foliage blocking your view.  Everyone is on their own path.  They see what is on their journey.  They are affected by what has come before and what is surrounding them on their journey.

When we hear about our neighbor's difficult journey our job is to hear them, care about them, and be there for them.  Most people don't actually want our help in getting them through journey.  They want our ears and our hearts, but very few words.  Since we have not walked down their path, we don't really have all the information to help them get through.  We treat them unfairly when we think we have all the answers.

The next time someone shares their rocky journey with you, do everything to love on them.  Keep judgement about why and how they are on that path or what they should do about it far from your mind, heart, and mouth.  One day, you will have your own rocky patch.  It is then you will understand that events in our lives are often beyond our control.  We don't need advice, we need someone who is willing to walk with us.

This post began with a section on divorce because I'm tired of people judging others when they hear they are getting divorced, but the truths apply to all difficult things we go through.  Pain is pain and everyone needs a little tenderness until the pain passes.

Heavy Weight

Last week I had an appointment with my back surgeon.  I knew that February 20th marked 12 weeks since my surgery and I had heard I should be free to resume normal activity at that point.  I was hoping the doctor would say, "You are good.  You can go back to doing everything you did before."

He didn't.

He didn't even say, "In a year you can resume all your old activities."

I am good.  I am pain free.  I can do everything I need to do without help.  My x-ray showed a nice even spine, but my herniated disc was such that after they removed the part that was pushing on my nerve, the disc was significantly reduced in size.  The space between those two vertebrae does not have the same amount of cushion as all the other vertebrae.

I can move freely.  I can run.  I can jump.  I still need to move properly, but I'm allowed to move.  The doctor limited the amount of weight I can lift.  This reduction isn't for a year, two years or five years.  It is for the rest of my life.

This probably doesn't seem like a big deal to you.  Why does a 41 year old teacher care about how much weight she can lift?

It comes back to pride.  I used to be able to do that.  I used to be good at that and now I'm not allowed to try.  I could dead-lift 150 pounds multiple times.  I could clean over a hundred.  I could back squat 135 pounds.  These are things I won't ever do again.  I know it's okay.  I know that I don't need to lift that weight, but it was fun.  I will forever be the person who moves lighter weight quickly which is also very good for me.  You don't need to tell me this limitation isn't really a big deal, I know.

If you've read my cancer story, you know that I like being healthy.  I like being capable.  I was raised around strong, capable, hard working people.  These are the things I aspire to be.  I know I am still strong, capable and hard working, but now I have another "but" added to the list.  I can keep up with you, but I can't lift the same weight.  I can do the job you do, but I may get tired sooner.

We all have these "buts" in our lives.  We all have those few limitations.  We are good at a million things, but this one thing is difficult. 

I know what you do.  You think about your one limitation.  You think about the one thing you were told you can't do.  I challenge you in that moment to think about, and perhaps list, the thousands of things you can do.  Add to that list the hundreds you are amazing at doing.

I will still be strong, healthy and active.  And really, which 41 year old woman needs to lift more than 50 pounds.  I'm not going to be hauling rocks.  I don't need to carry my children anymore. 

I don't have limitations, I have an opportunity.  I have an opportunity to take the energy I used to use on all that weight and apply it to something else that will be healthy for me.  I have an opportunity to strengthen a former weakness.  I have the opportunity to be amazing at what I can do.

Long Days

I've had a couple of long days, they weren't bad, just long.

Long days wear me out.  I'm fine today, but by the end of the week I will struggle speaking clearly and remembering.  It will be one of those weeks I make it through, but it is not ideal.

These are the days that make us thankful for rest days.  These are the days we summon our strength for survival knowing it is only for a season.

I know you have these days.  You may have them more often than the restful days.  They are difficult, but at the end you survived, you may have thrived and you are prepared for another day.

Be encouraged.  Each day is fresh and new.  Today's difficulty doesn't have to spill over to tomorrow.

Pass Through Normal

No one can keep misfortune from walking through their front door.  No one can make every day exactly the way they want.  No one can live happily ever after.

Everyone can embrace the moments they have.  Everyone can make good decisions that make them stronger.  Everyone can move forward and learn and grow to be the best version of themselves.

My favorite explanation of why people should consider being very healthy and strong comes from the founder of CrossFit.  He explains that if you are extremely healthy, your numbers at the doctor's office are above average, then in order to become unhealthy you have to pass through normal.  I love this image.  It explains why I might work harder at my health than others.  I am creating somewhat of a savings account to draw on if something unexpected happens to me.

I've experienced this phenomenon and I've watched it happen to others. 

A friend had two surgeries within 3 months.  I know she had a difficult time for a little while, but when I saw her, she was working on gaining her strength and mobility back.  All I saw when I saw her was how amazing she was.  You wouldn't have known by looking at her that she had just had two surgeries.

Another friend had to take on cancer treatment.  Because of his heightened health, he was able to take the treatment easier than others.  It was not easy, it was still cancer, it was still cancer treatment, but he had an advantage.

I'm in awe of how quickly I am able to recover from back surgery.  I have to remind myself that I spent over 3 weeks lying in a recliner.  When I feel stiff or weak, I remind myself where I was.  I remind myself I didn't move, then I moved slowly and carefully.  I'm thankful I was strong before this happened.  It makes it easier and faster to gain that strength back.

The first night after surgery, I had to get out of bed to use the restroom.  I remember thinking about how difficult getting out of bed would be if I wasn't as healthy as I was.  I had to roll myself over and push myself up with my arm.  I knew I lost strength in my muscles during that "recliner sitting" time, but since I began that journey extra strong, I was still strong enough. 

Imagine you have set aside $20,000 for a simple vacation.  Things are going well at first, but eventually everything goes wrong.  The car breaks down.  The vacation house is being repaired so you have to stay in an expensive hotel.  You have to go to the emergency room for an injury and the roads are blocked so you have to stay longer than you expected.  Fortunately, with all those unexpected costs, you still make it home with plenty of money in your pocket.  You still have money for savings or the next vacation.  It may not be as much as you wanted, but you are in the black.

Inversely, setting aside $2,000 for the same vacation will send you home in debt with months of hard work and sacrifice trying to break even again. 

Your health can work this way.  You can essentially create a health savings account that you store, you don't have to keep it in a bank.  You can draw from this account any time some issue affects your health.  It can give you the needed funds to fight off anything from the flu to cancer.

Consider creating this account.  Consider making choices that put you in a place of health where the inevitable attacks at your health will only make you normal because you began on the super healthy side of normal.

Water Your Roots

The trees that have deep roots can withstand the most trauma.  Their strength doesn't lie in their trunk no matter how wide it might be or how many rings it has to show its age.  Their strength doesn't lie in the branches that sway in the wind and hold up young feet who climb limb after limb.  Their strength doesn't lie in their height even though we marvel as it tries to touch the clouds.  A tree's strength lies in its roots.  If its roots go deep and spread out like the longest fingers reaching to meet up with other fingers, it will stand strong.  The roots grip the deep earth and hold tight as the elements above ground attack it.

The sun won't be too hot.  The snow won't be too cold.  The wind won't be too strong.  Whatever tries to attack the tree will not win because its roots hold it firm.

No one can predict the difficulties that will come their way.  No one can predict the trials they will have to overcome.  No one can predict tomorrow.

However, you can grow deep roots.

In my story, cancer and MS tried to take me out.  They tried to knock me down a notch one right after the other.  When that didn't work, I had a herniated disc in my back that literally kept me off my feet for a month.  None of those things succeeded.  They didn't succeed because I had roots. 

As I look to the future, I can only change what I can control.  I can eat foods that make me feel good and give me energy.  I can keep moving.  I know that doing everything in my power to be healthy and strong will give me a good foundation, good roots and whatever tries to take me out again won't have a chance.  The trial may break some of my branches, peel some of my bark, shed some of my leaves, but it won't knock me down.  In the end I will still be standing.  In the end, my branches will grow again, and my leaves will return. 

To be prepared for tomorrow's trial, I simply need to work on my roots.

Valentine Daughters

Four years ago today I flew into Spokane to see my grandma for the last time.  It was good and difficult.  I steeled myself against a lot of the pain at the time and tried to be present and positive.  I was happy to see her, but I still remember vividly how much she needed and leaned on my mom.  In her moment of weakness she found strength and hope in her daughter.  She knew her daughter would fight for her.  She knew she would stand strong.  She knew she could lean on her and her daughter wouldn't let her fall.

As I remember this and see my own relationship with my daughters developing over the years, I feel blessed.  I couldn't be more thankful for my two girls.  I couldn't be more thankful for their ability to see and know me as they grow.  I'm not some distant mom to them who isn't in touch with reality.  I am human with weaknesses and strengths.  They are learning they can lean on me because I am strong.  They are also beginning to see where they are stronger than me.  They see that they can be my strength in those weak moments.  They don't see me as less than them, they see me as human and they know they are free to be human too.

This isn't really about Valentine's Day.  It just happens to be a memory that happened 4 years ago today.  On this Valentine's day, I am thankful for my husband and eternally grateful for my daughters.  I'm thankful we don't need a special day to show each other our love.

Fear Not

Pain is no longer my friend. 

For years, pain wasn't the worst thing.  I could tough it out.  I used to play basketball in high school with plantar warts burning on my feet.  I gave birth to two girls naturally.  I walked through the shops on the Oregon coast for two weeks with plantar fasciitis.  I don't like pain, but I've never had difficulty handling it. 

Now, any pain that arises scares me.  Back surgery will do that to you.  I wonder why the pain is there.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I do something to cause it?  Am I forgetting something?  I don't just deal with pain anymore, I question it.  I question myself. 

This will probably not be the case forever, just until I see the doctor and he gives me the "all clear." 

Years ago, my husband and I were pregnant for the first time.  At 7 weeks, we lost the baby.  Fortunately, I got pregnant again 2 months later.  I essentially held my breath until our first appointment with the doctor.  After the ultrasound and hearing the heart beat that was twice as fast as our previous baby's, I started breathing again. 

Fear can take hold until an assurance comes along to let us know there is nothing to fear.

The Bible says "Fear not, for I am with you." That should be all the assurance I need.  I don't need to worry or fear about the unknown.  I don't need to question every movement.  I don't need to hold my breath.  Fear should not be a part of my day.  I simply need to trust and know.

Fighting

Every day, every choice is a battle.

Sometimes I get tired of fighting. 

I am motivated to get up in the morning because I am excited to have my coffee.  I get to sit by the fire and peacefully drink my coffee.  It is a good time to read or write or do nothing.  It is the best way to begin my day.  It is my favorite part of the day.  Waking up too early is always tempered with the prospect of coffee.

After coffee, I begin fighting.  I force myself to make food.  I don't mind eating, but I don't like fixing anything. 

I go to work and try to remember what the more pressing things to do are so I make sure and get them finished first.  I inevitably forget a few things each day and fight to find ways to remind myself. 

If I don't go to work, I fight to figure out what I need to and can do at home.  I always want to rest.  I always want to sit and breathe.  I make myself do things.  I make myself find productive and useful tasks that a responsible adult would do.

I fight to be creative.  I fight to be energetic.  I fight to be positive.

These things are amazing things to do and I want them in my life, but they don't come without a conscience awareness.  They don't come and stay without a little fight to make them a part of my life.

Today I did cleans for the first time in 4 months.  When you do a clean, you essentially take a weight from the ground (it was two 10 pound dumbbells today) and bring it to your shoulders.  It is important to keep your back straight and use your hips to help propel the weight up.  I was thrilled to get to do this movement.  Towards the end of the exercise, when I was getting tired, I arched my back.  I was trying to use my hips, but I added an arch to my back at the same time.  I cannot arch my back!

I noticed.  I felt it.  Any little movement of my back that isn't a neutral spine is always felt.  Some of the awareness comes from scar tissue from surgery, some of it is stiff muscles and some of it is a sign I shouldn't move that way.  The next time I performed the clean, I was extra aware of all my body positions.  I had to fight to pay close attention.

Whether it is deciding which tasks to do, exercising, working or simply walking through the day, there is always a battle involved.  I have to choose what to focus on, what to think about and what to act on. 

 If I don't engage in the battle, my day will take me down.  If I choose not to fight, I will lose.  So I fight.  I make myself move.  I tell myself positive and encouraging things.  I remember what I have already won.  I keep fighting to win each moment of each day.

Learning

Of all the students I've taught over the last 12 years very few of them learn what I want them to learn the first time.  The fourth grade teacher shares her complaints about students not understanding a concept.  The kindergarten teacher, first grade teacher, 2nd and 3rd grade teachers all taught the same concept, yet the students don't understand.  It's not their fault or ours, it takes a very long time to learn.

As I think about the things I am still working on, I take comfort in knowing that it's okay if I don't learn them right away.  It's okay if I have to go through them over and over.  It's okay if I keep making mistakes.  One day I will learn everything I need to know then it will be time to start learning something new.

Repetition, practice, application . . . repeat.  Eventually, we will figure it out.  Eventually we will learn.  Eventually it will make sense.  Eventually, perhaps, it won't be so difficult.

Weary of the Fight

Sometimes we are moving through life feeling good, being successful, holding everything together.  The next thing you know a quiet moment takes you by surprise and you break apart.  You discover that this whole time you have been holding your breath.  You were pretending to be strong.  You were pretending to stand tall.  You were putting a smile on your face, but inside felt weak and broken.

The daily journey, which is more often a battle than not, can make us weary.  We are happy, we are good, but we get weary.  We get weary of continuing the fight.

My husband and I have gotten into a television show consisting of battle scenes in each episode.  They fight for everything.  The solution to all their problems is to fight.  Sometimes I feel like that.  I fight to keep my head held high, I fight to be energetic, I definitely fight to stay healthy.

Some days the battle scars don't hide so well.  Some days they even cause a bit of pain.  I am thankful for all the battles I have won.  I am thankful for the strength I have to continue fighting, but some days I am weary and tired and would be very content to sit in a corner and watch everyone else for a bit.

You Have a Choice

Choose to be around people who make you better.
Choose to be around people who push you to do more, to be more.
Choose friends who accept you as you are, but encourage and ask you to meet your potential because they see in you what you don't see in yourself.
Choose people who will listen to your worst days and celebrate your best days.
Choose people who value all you have been created to be.
Choose a friend who can handle it when you fall.  They know when to pick you up and when to tell you to get up.

I have these friends.  To these friends, I say "Thank you!"  Thank you for inviting me to join you.  Thank you for listening, thank you for sharing.  Thank you for being real and seeing the real in me.

You don't have to continue to give yourself to those who don't know you, discourage you or ignore you.  Give your time and energy to those who value you as you are and invest in them the same.

My mom has a poster that says it well:
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

When it comes to the people you surround yourself with, you have a choice.

Sick Culture

I regularly hear of people who go to their jobs while they are sick.  I've done it.  Sometimes they go to work because they will lose pay if they take a sick day.  Sometimes they go to work while sick because it is too difficult to find a replacement for their position, like teachers.  Sometimes they go to work while sick because they think they are being tough and strong.  The worst reason people go to work sick is because they feel they must.

Sometimes the "sick" culture leads people to believe they aren't allowed to be sick.  They are pressured to feel badly if they are sick and choose to stay home.  The inconvenience they cause everyone else forces them to return to work even if they aren't healthy yet.  When my oldest was only eighteen months old my husband got very ill.  He was completely bed ridden and his throat was so swollen he could only drink Ensures for sustenance.  He lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks.  His bosses, at the time, weren't worried about him or encouraging him to rest and get better.  They were anxious for him to return, they let him know that he was making it difficult for them since they had to pick up his duties.  They also made comments implying that he was exaggerating his illness, their behavior implied he wasn't as sick as he said.  They weren't with him everyday watching him, unable to speak or eat.

Today we have sick people at work spreading germs to other people who will become sick and spread those germs and the cycle will not end.  Also, when you don't stop and get healthy, you can actually become more sick.  In October of 2012 I had a cold.  I kept working, parent teacher conferences meant 13 hour days.  At the same time, I was diagnosed with cancer, moving my stress level through the roof.  Before I knew it I had pneumonia. 

I hope when you get ill or get hurt you have people around you who feel badly that you are under the weather and encourage you to take the time to let your body heal and recover.  I hope they know that you can't heal while giving of your time and energy.

I had a boss a while back that didn't always know how to be the best boss, but if I came to school sick, he would send me home.  He never made me feel badly for taking a day off or leaving early.  I stumbled into his office one afternoon to tell him I couldn't finish the day.  He immediately got someone to cover my class and sent me home.  He didn't act like I had inconvenienced him or that it was a problem.  It was more important to him that I was healthy.  He treated me like I was more important than the job.

This past week, my current boss realized that everyone in the school was getting sick and cancelled school for two days to give everyone a chance to get healthy.  When I heard the news I felt like I was flying.  The weight I was carrying on my shoulders was lifted.  I felt a cold coming on and instead of worrying about whether or not I could make it through my school days, I had two days to heal.  I felt valued as a person.  I was more important than my job.

At the end of they day, you always have to take care of yourself.  It is okay to be ill.  It is okay to take time to get better.  It is okay to know that you are valuable enough to nourish and you will always be more important than some job.