Good-bye 2017

As I reflect on 2017, I keep thinking it was one of my most difficult years.  Between working on my master's, moving, beginning a new teaching position and the difficulty with my sciatic nerve and back surgery, I don't feel like I got a lot of reprieve from some sort of mountain to climb or valley to sit in and wait for the sun to reappear.

Even after all of this, I would never say it had been a bad year.  It has been difficult, but I never let the difficult take me out.  I got hit a few times.  I felt discouraged when the work load didn't seem to end.  I felt overwhelmed when the tasks didn't stop coming, I felt beat up when the pain wouldn't go away.  Through all of those blows, I never got knocked out.  I never laid down refusing to get back up.

My family and I have been watching the Rocky series this week.  As awesome as those movies are each one essentially carries the same story.  Rocky is going to retire.  Someone calls him out to fight one more time. He has to fight to prove himself, but also because that is who is.  He is a fighter.  He gets hit in the fights.  His face gets bloody and swollen, he even staggers sometimes, but in the end he doesn't give up.  He keeps coming back for more and by the end of the movie he wins.

I'm not a fighter like Rocky.  I am actually a peacemaker by nature, but when it comes to the blows life sends my way I simply keep getting back up.  I know the difficult moment cannot last forever.  I know that there is always hope.  I know I can take the next step even if I don't have the strength to take the next ten steps.

I will have more difficult moments.  I may even have more difficult years.  We are often chiseled and made stronger in those moments.  I won't stop hoping for a victory.  I won't stop getting back up after life sends a right hook.  I won't stop believing in a divine purpose for my life that goes beyond the moment in front of me.

Whether you've had an amazing year of blessings and ease or a difficult year, or something in between, please be encouraged.  Be encouraged when you see what you have already gone through.  The most difficult things have already come your way, for me it has been cancer, MS, and debilitating pain that knocked me out for over a month.  I have already made it through those things.  I have already figured out how to live with the scars they leave.  There isn't much more I can't handle.

As you welcome in a new year, be hopeful, be encouraged.  Know that the year offers diamonds, but it may come to you as coal that needs some time and some refining before you can see the gem it will bring to your life.

I'm not speaking as someone who always has an easy time.  I am speaking as someone who usually has a mountain to climb, but I keep my eyes on the view and know that as long as I keep walking I will eventually get there.  Whatever mountain awaits this year, welcome it.  Welcome the rugged trail, the view and the refining it will do to your character and soul.

Welcome new year and all you have!

A New Year Philosophy

As we are coming up on the end of another year, I have another thought. I originally thought about this the January after my cancer diagnosis.

A new year to many people means new beginnings.  They can begin fresh, forget about their failures and try to do or be something new.  To me, it's a new day just like all the others.  Each day I have a choice to begin fresh, to learn from yesterday's mistakes and to come a little closer to being the person I want to be.  A new year is a great time to start that, but so is each day.  If I fail on day two of the New Year I have to wait until the next year.  Instead, on my system, I simply begin again tomorrow.

So in this new year I want to walk through and be completely present in each day.  I want to accept each moment as a gift and treasure it.  I want to learn from my mistakes quickly and move forward.  I do not want to miss a day because I'm looking forward to or dreading the next day.

I want to live to my fullest, not caring if I please everyone, only caring if I've loved, showed compassion, kindness and generosity.  I don't want to judge myself harshly, but instead be gracious with myself.

Functioning

Every day brings its own challenges.  Every challenge has its own mountains and valleys.  I know everyone experiences days of great blessings and days of great trials.  Everyone experiences easy days and difficult days.  My greatest lesson through all my challenges is that there is always something better and there is always something worse. 

On the worst days there are still blessings to be counted.  On the best days there are still greater achievements to be made and mistakes from which we can learn.

I'm thankful today.  I am able to do most things.  My back is healing nicely from surgery.  I do not have the pain anymore.  I am working on healing and getting stronger.  I can do most things without help from my family, while just a few weeks ago, I couldn't tie my own shoes. 

Each day that I can pick up something I've dropped on the floor, I am thankful.  Each night I can sleep through the night, I am thankful.  When I drive my car and do errands by myself, I am thankful.  When I can sit, walk and stand without assistance I am thankful.  Each time I move without pain, I am thankful.  I can stand long enough to take a shower.  I can put on my own clothes.  I can put dishes away.  This long list of achievements are all things I couldn't do on my own not so long ago.  I am functioning in a way I wasn't before and couldn't be happier.

I know each day I will get a bit stronger and add accomplishments to my list.  There may be another bad day, but the blessings will still be present.

I hope to remember to be thankful in a year when all of this is in the past.  I want to celebrate and rejoice my ability to move and function without pain. 

I need to remember to always rejoice in the small pleasures.  I can't foresee the future.  I can't predict tomorrow.  I can be thankful for what I have today.  I can celebrate my achievements. 

Puzzle

My daughters gave me a new puzzle for Christmas.  I enjoy doing puzzles.  I enjoy logic games.  I like the challenge.  I like finding short cuts and I enjoy the satisfaction of solving the puzzle.  It is essential that I only do these puzzles during holidays.  I tend to keep working on them until they are finished.  All other daily tasks take a back seat to the puzzle.  My family laughs as I gravitate towards the puzzle like I'm magnetically attached to it.  I'm sure many of you don't feel the way I do.

As I've been working on this 2000 piece puzzle I've made a few observations.

The first time I looked through the pieces I saw color.  I saw all the colors of the rainbow and everything in between.  I saw blue sky and blue water and felt a little overwhelmed.  The puzzle has colored buildings that look similar.  I saw orange plants, blue rocks and pink sunset sky. 

The second time I looked through the puzzle I started to see patterns.  I saw how the sky gradually changed from dark purple to light.  I saw the subtle changes between the different houses.

The third time I looked through the puzzle I saw shapes.  I noticed lines and boxes.  I noticed the rocks and the grass.  I noticed the mountain and the different types of trees.

The fourth time through I noticed intricate details.  Some buildings had words, some buildings had clothes hanging on the line, there were people, single trees and power lines reaching for the sky, boat were waiting to be put into the water.

Each time I made my way through the pieces and noticed something new I thought about how this same principle happens in life.  It isn't until we've spent some time with others that we truly begin to see the details that make them who they are.

Any time I've attempted a change in my life, it has taken many passes before the change started to look like something recognizable.  We began the journey of moving out of our old house 3 years ago.  We knew we wanted to downsize so the first thing we did was get rid of things we knew we didn't want to move. Every 6 months, we would get rid of a few more things.  Each spring for 3 years we had a yard sale and were surprised at the amount of unwanted things we were able to sell.  Even after we moved, we still hauled truck loads away.  Downsizing, simplifying, was just like each pass through the puzzle box.  We kept finding something new we hadn't seen before.

Knowing that we can't completely know everything immediately, we need to remember that everything takes time.  Knowing others well takes time, knowing ourselves can take time, changing anything about our lives will take time.  And, just like with the puzzle, when you get overwhelmed, walk away, do something else and come back later so you have fresh eyes and can see clearly again.  Don't get down on yourself for not completing the puzzle right away.  The process can be just as enjoyable as the finished product.

Daily Gifts

Today was our first day of Christmas break.  Since this has been such an odd year with my surgery and the 3 weeks I couldn't walk, we didn't do our normal Christmas shopping in November and discovered we had to finish up some shopping today.  We were struggling a little because this year feels a bit busier than previous years.  When it feels busy and hectic, it doesn't feel like Christmas. 

I became curious about past Christmases.  This is my husband's and my 21st Christmas.  I wondered what some of my thoughts were years ago?

My girls were four years old and one year old during Christmas in 2005.  We had been married for nine years.  I don't remember which job my husband had. I was a waitress at a local restaurant.  Here is an entry from that Christmas:

The Lord has determined that we should not have a large surplus of money for any extended period of time.  But He has also determined to provide for us in such a way that all our bills are paid and our needs are met.  We had to take both girls to the doctor this month.  We no longer have WIC and we need to begin paying the full amount on our student loans.  Our gas bill is over double what it was last month, but after this weekend we will be able to pay it.  Last night I received at least two $10 tips on $40 checks and some other high percentage tips.  The Lord completely blessed my night.  We were able to spend almost $600 on Christmas gifts just for our family.  We were able to buy gifts for my husband's parents and brother and sister-in-law. (We weren't able to do this in previous years.)

God is taking such good care of us despite our circumstances that seem to be against us.  In the mist of my thankfulness I pray for a new job for my husband, a job with enough pay to take care of all our bills and perhaps, if it be the Lord's desire, enough for us to buy a house again.  I also pray the job provides good benefits for all of us allowing us the freedom to take our kids to the doctor when they are sick.  I also pray that this job gives my husband payed vacation and that it be on he can enjoy and find ministry opportunities in.  

I don't know what God has in mind for us, but even if it is not anywhere near my prayer, it will be the best thing.

We had a nice Christmas.  It was most definitely a blessed Christmas.  The Lord provided.


I remember this time.  I remember each day worrying about how to pay our bills and at the same time thankful that they were paid each month and we were daily provided for.  I learned to daily give my needs to God or I would feel despair and hopelessness.

Today all those prayers have been answered.  We both have fulfilling jobs we are successful at, good benefits meeting all our medical needs, we can always pay our bills and we have paid vacation.  We get to impact the lives of young people positively each day.

Looking back at this old Christmas post, I couldn't be more thankful for where we are today.  I also hope that each person can be encouraged that God loves us and even when it seems things are bleak, there are so many things to always be thankful for. 

Christmas isn't about the gifts we give or receive.  Christmas is about the gifts we enjoy daily which are present in our lives.  We open the door to our home and walk into a precious gift of a place we belong.  We share our valuable time and energy with our loved ones daily and never run out of the ability to give a bit more.  Some days are so difficult.  They won't be difficult forever. In the midst of the difficulties there is always a precious gift to be thankful for. 

3 Types of People

Up until 3 days ago, I had been unable to work for 5 weeks.  I wasn't out of work.  I wasn't taking a vacation.  I was unable.  For the first part of that month I couldn't walk, sit or stand without debilitating pain.  The second part of the month was spent recovering from back surgery.  I walked a little bit more each day in order to gain strength.  It turns out that when you are forced to be on your back for multiple weeks, your legs start to loose their ability to move properly.  

I'm thankful I'm back to work.  I'm thankful the only pain I have is an ache because my muscles are still getting stronger.  I'm thankful, thankful, thankful.  This is not what I want to talk about.

One observation I've made in returning to work is that there have been 3 different types of people welcoming me back to after my long absence.  There were the dear people who had been concerned and worried and were so glad I was able to return to school and that I was feeling better.  The second group were people who welcomed me back because they thought they should.  They didn't really care one on way or another.  The third group of people didn't believe that I actually needed to miss that much work.  These people haven't said this outright, but their behavior towards me makes it very clear that my absence was an inconvenience for them and they aren't certain it needed to happen.

Other people's reactions don't affect me because I know what I had to do and will always take care of my health.  I know that I did everything I had to do and I don't have to answer to them.

Unfortunately, these reactions don't only happen to me.  People everywhere are judging other people's lives and situations and thinking they understand.  It happened to me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Everyone who knew someone who had cancer was suddenly an expert on my situation.  People who know others with MS try to tell me how to act because those people are fine, I should be fine.  People who are judging me now know someone with back surgery or they know someone who has nerve problems.  They are judging my actions based on the situations of the people they know or think they know.  

Remember to be compassionate, understanding and a good listener.  Remember that everyone has to walk their own path.  They have to account for their actions on their journey.  Judgement creates chasms of space between relationships that can't be bridged.  Judgement closes doors.  Judgement pushes people away.  

Everyone's story is different.  It's okay to share stories and learn and grow from each other's journeys, but there is never a time when you can judge another's journey without walking in their shoes.  Even if you are able to walk in their shoes, it still won't be their journey because those shoes weren't met for you. 

Try to open your eyes throughout your day and see what is truly around you.  See the weary waitress who is trying to do her best, but her baby kept her awake all night.  See the tired Grandma who is trying to raise her grandchildren.  See the children who are only misbehaving because no one is paying attention to them.  

You don't know the whole story.  Please, soften your heart and see and keep your mind from judging.  Consider the circumstances that have made this person behave this way or make these decisions.  It isn't always black and white.  There is usually much more to the story.

Yes, I take my own advice.  I am not judging the people who are judging me.  I understand they don't really know what I went through.  All they know is  I made their life difficult.  They can't imagine taking that kind of time off of work.  That's okay.  I will do everything in my power to make their lives easy.  Hopefully I can help them with their burden.  I have no expectations from them.  I hope eventually they won't be upset with me anymore. 

Thrive

We all like to know what to expect.  We schedule events on our calendar.  We create agendas for meetings.  We watch a movie trailer or read a book jacket before committing to watching or reading.

As much as we might like surprises we also like to plan and predict and derive comfort from routine.

I returned to work today.  I moved slowly and carefully, but had no problems doing my job.  My inability to bend, twist or lift just made the day more interesting.  My second grade students were amazing.  They were happy to see me, happy to help with the lifting, moving and carrying of items.  One student was carefully watching me to make sure I didn't bend.  I could hear "You're bending!" throughout the day.  I wasn't bending, but she was going to be watching just in case.

The most surprising comment I heard came from an intelligent little girl. She said she was glad to be back to the normal schedule.  I don't know what kind of schedule the students had when I was gone.  They had the different subjects at the appropriate times, but there was probably less predictability.  Within each subject there are a set of routines I go through that the students can count on.  They can be comforted by them.

Her comment reminded me how comfortable a good routine can be.  It definitely helps little ones.  I know it can help us adults also.  If we know that at this time we will be doing this thing,, we can count on it, plan on it and rest knowing that part of our day is set and sure and stable.

My dog whines at 6 am everyday for breakfast.  She knows it's time for a walk at 4 pm and she whines for dinner at 5 pm.  We can tell time by our dog's behavior.  There is no such thing as weekends and holidays.  She wants her schedule no matter what.  It always takes months for her to adjust after a time change.  The only exercise I was allowed to do after my back surgery was walk.  I tended to walk around 2 pm each day with her.  It only took her a few days and she began whining and watching me at 2:00, ready to go for a walk.

Which part of your day has a comforting and predictable routine?  Which part of your day needs a comforting and predictable routine?  A child who knows what to expect and when to expect it feels safe.  They don't have to worry about anything except living in the moment, not concerned about the future expectations.  Being adults doesn't mean we are exempt from this need.

Since our girls were babies we have chosen to stay home at Christmas.  We don't travel out of state to see family.  It isn't because we don't want to see family, it is because we want to protect these peaceful days for our children.  We want them to wake up in their own home and be with their parents and be comfortable and at peace. 

There are plenty of busy days in our lives, there should be some moments we protect.  There should be some routines we keep to remain at peace and to give ourselves the freedom to thrive in a safe environment.

Lights

Holiday lights are everywhere.  Yesterday I saw lines of people walking amidst and among the lights.  The lights were in different shapes and designs and some simply covered the entire area. 

As we drove by them and I took in the effect the extra lights have on me, I thought for a moment about how nice it would be to see these lights all the time.  Just as quickly as the thought came, I knew that if all these lights were up all year long, I would no longer appreciate and enjoy them.

We enjoy the Christmas decorations, the trees and the lights because we only have them for a small portion of the year.  We know that in January we will have to take them down and put them away for another year.  We stop and enjoy them now because we know they will not be around forever.

How many things do we take for granted because they seem to be with us always?  Our children are daily growing and making their way out of our homes.  Do we pause and cherish the moments knowing they will not last forever or do we take them for granted and are suddenly surprised when they begin their own lives.

Our parents and grandparents seem to be ever present in our lives.  As children, we take them for granted.  They seem to always be there.  How many times do we stop and appreciate their presence?  We would like to think they will always be a phone call away, but that isn't the case.  On the day they leave us, will we regret time that we took for granted?

How many times did you feel the urge to contact an old friend then push that urge aside?  Later you discover that they needed to hear from you at that moment.

As we near the holiday when people are getting distracted by tasks and traditions, pause.  Think about what blessings you have in the people around you.  Take a moment to truly be thankful for their presence in your life and take in and enjoy them as you would the Christmas lights that will be taken down in a few short weeks.

View

Just a little over 2 weeks ago I was days out of surgery and barely moving due to pain where they cut me open.  I could only walk 400 - 800 meters very slowly and methodically.  My legs seemed to have forgotten how to walk properly. 

Just 3 weeks ago I was only able to lie in the recliner.  I couldn't walk, sit or stand without tear-causing pain.  I directed Thanksgiving dinner from my horizontal position in the recliner.  When I did move about I had to use a cane to make the pain more bearable as I walked.

Yesterday I walked 2 miles for the third time.  I can sit, stand and function in most ways.  I'm not allowed to bend, lift or twist but it isn't because of pain.  Those restricted movements are to protect my surgery.  I have to keep my back as straight as possible so it will heal properly.

It has been a month of either dealing with pain or limited mobility.  I look around my house at all the things I can't do, yet am thankful for what I can.  The day will come when I can resume all my old activities.  I will feel amazing and look back on these days with awe.  I'm thankful that for me, that day always comes.  Things may be a bit different when the day comes, but the day always comes when the pain and difficulty is in the past, when I am wholly me again with yet another appreciation for all I have to be thankful for.

When I was younger I recognized the victorious days after a period of being sick.  Then I noticed them throughout the different stages of cancer and treatment.  I noticed them after I was diagnosed with MS and after I began getting used to the medication.  I know they will come again.  I love the day when I wake up and know that I am finally looking back.  I am not simply on my way to the other side of the difficulty, but have finally reached it. 

There are many people who don't get to go through as many difficult things as I.  People miss out on the opportunity to contrast the difficult days and the good and easy days.  I don't wish it for anyone, but I find it is something to be thankful for.

I feel like Rudy in the movie.  Life keeps trying to knock me down and I keep getting back up. Everyone around me is screaming, "Stay down! Haven't you had enough?"  Then I get up again.  Realistically, if I stopped getting up, life wouldn't be able to keep knocking me down.  But, the strength comes from getting up.  The perspective on what matters and what is important comes from standing in the pain not from lying down.

I see people feel sad and sorry for me.  I don't want that.  Stand by my side and try to see what I see.  Step into my shoes, if only for a moment, so you can appreciate the beauty of life and health and love and hope.  Breathe in gratitude, sigh in peace, see the workings behind the curtain and gain strength from the revelation.

Words

Don't limit yourself with your words.

I like words, not just stories and ideas, but words.  Words have power to paint the deepest most meaningful pictures.  Words bring feelings, memories, and connections.  All through time words have shaped the future, helped us remember the past and explained the present.  I share words with my grandparents when I call or write.  They use words to share they liked my call.  People use words in everything they do.

We hear words, we read words, we think words, we use words to find our way.  Words shape us, define us, inspire us, move us, teach us, and explain us. I love words.  I love hearing them, reading them and especially letting them become part of me. 

These words have the power to create and to tear down.  As I venture into a difficult day or a difficult moment, I am aware the words I tell myself will determine my ability to handle what is coming.  If I dread it and speak about how it will be too difficult or I won't enjoy it or I won't be able to do it, then those words will come true.  If, instead, I am aware of the difficulty, but I speak about how I will overcome it or how the situation will only be for a season then I approach the difficulty ready to get the best out of it.

We surf each summer.  We've often invited or encouraged those we know to try surfing.  It's an experience that can change a person's perspective.  We aren't so extraordinary that surfing comes easy to us while others may struggle.  We are pretty normal and know that most people can at least attempt to surf and ride a few waves even if it's only on their bellies.

I love it when someone is open minded and willing to try surfing.  Whether they enjoy it or not, whether they get a chance to try or not, their willingness is wonderful.  In the same way, I hate it when I invite someone to try surfing and they adamantly reply they can't.  They don't say they won't or don't want to or even that they are scared.  They claim they can't.  You only know if you can or can't do something if you try. 

The best way to know if you are capable of the difficult is to look back at what you have already overcome.  Celebrate the victories and tell yourself that nothing can stop you.  Nothing can keep you down.  Even if all you can do is take one step at a time, that step will be a victory.

Use your words to encourage yourself and remind yourself that you are amazing and the next obstacle is simply another opportunity for another victory.

Birthday

Everyone celebrates their birthday differently.  My husband and I both celebrated our birthdays this month.  Last year we reached the milestone birthday of 40.  It doesn't bother me if people know my age because my age doesn't define me.  It is simply the number of years I have been around.

My grandma was always adamant that no one make a big deal about her age whenever her birthday came around.  She didn't want to say her age, think about it or let anyone else think about it.  She'd be found making nonsense sounds when asked how old she was. 

All my life, I didn't understand why she acted so ashamed of her age.  At each of her birthdays I wanted to celebrate her age.  I wanted to celebrate the number of years she had thrived, the changes she had seen, the obstacles she had overcome, the creations she had contributed.  She was beautiful, strong and amazing and I saw her age as a badge of honor.

However you celebrate or don't celebrate your birthday, the date that comes around each year should be a day to celebrate your life.  Celebrate what you have accomplished, overcome, and achieved. 

Another Birthday
This year I have a little more grey hair.
This year I have a new wrinkle or two.
This year my skin looks thinner.
This year my eyes look darker.
This year I can see you, I can smile, I can hold your hand, and I can be with you.

This year had some sad days.
This year had some glad days.
This year had some victorious days.
This year had some days that seemed to beat me up.
This year I can get out of bed each morning and take on what the day has for me even if it is difficult.

This year brought some cruel people.
This year brought new  treasured friends.
This year brought some thoughtless comments.
This year brought compassionate strangers.
This year was filled with people that came and supported and loved me through the good and bad.

It may simply be another birthday,
but when I look back at what was added or lost,
I am thankful to be. 
I am thankful I have the strength to stand in the face of the good and the bad, the kind and the cruel.
I am thankful for another birthday and all another year has brought me.

Tell Me

I just had the most amazing conversation with a former coworker.  She called to ask about our old house, but first she asked how my health was.  She knew I had MS because I was diagnosed while working with her.  I hadn't talked to her in over 2 years, so of course, I answered that I was doing fine.  She adamantly said, "No, how are you really doing?"  Based on the fact that she was adamant about me being honest, I thought perhaps she had been reading my blogs.  She hadn't.  She knew that MS might cause issues and wanted me to be honest with her.  She had no idea about my recent back surgery.

I informed her about my surgery and how this week was tough, but I'm so thankful that today is much better.  I felt like doing things today and, more importantly, I felt like eating.

I love that she made me tell her the truth.  I love that she was genuinely concerned.  I love that a person whom I haven't been in touch with for so long wouldn't let me get away with platitude answers.

I believe some cultures are more honest, some groups of people are more honest. 

As you consider your favorite characters from movies or television, they are probably honest.  They probably stand up for themselves.  They probably speak their mind and make sure they are heard.  The characters that aren't this way change by the end or they aren't our favorites.

Can we adjust our culture? 
Can we require honesty of others and give it in return? 
Can we respect others' ideas and opinions without getting offended? 
Can we stand up for ourselves?
Can we let others know who we really are even if they don't like us? 

We can, but will we? 
Will we try to be true to one another and ourselves? 

I plan on trying.  I realize it may take a lifetime to unlearn bad habits, but it is worth it to know that I was true and honest.

Lies

This has been a rough week.  In my mind back surgery meant that it would be easy for me to post daily blogs because of all the time I would have lying around recovering.  In turns out when you don't feel well you don't want to do anything but wait for the icky-ness to go away.  That means even your favorite tasks get put aside.

I knew that back surgery would mean a long recovery time.  I knew that I would have to modify my movements for awhile.  I am eternally grateful that I am no longer in excruciating pain, but I was surprised by the events of this week.

I didn't want to tell you about them.

I didn't want to tell you about how I felt sick during my birthday.  I had horrible stomach pains, and tried hard to put on a smile for those around me.

I didn't want to tell you how I couldn't sleep at all or that when I did, I woke every 4 hours or 2 hours or 1 hour.

I didn't want to tell you about discontinuing my pain medication and feeling some very uncomfortable effects.

I didn't want to tell you how I just wanted to lie down and wait until it was all gone, but I couldn't because I have to be gentle with my back and I have to lie down a certain way or sit a certain way so I don't cause complications with the surgery they already did.

I didn't want to tell you how I didn't want to eat anything due to my stomach pain including coffee and chocolate, which I can usually have at any time or any day.

I didn't want to tell you this because I want you to know that the surgery went fine, I'm healing, and I didn't want you to become worried about me, sorry for me, or think that things are too difficult.

Well, the surgery did go fine.  I'm recovering.  But I also had a tough week overcoming stomach pains and feeling icky.

I know that in a month or two I will look back and be amazed or proud or something when I remember what I went through.  But I'm in the middle of it now.  Right now I don't feel like being amazed by my strength or hopeful that it won't last forever.  Right now, I simply want it to go away.  Haven't I had pain for long enough? I ask the room.  Can't I just recover from surgery?  Do I really have to have a week of activity stopping stomach pains to go with it?

I do.   I can handle it.  I will handle it.  I will smile and lie to you when you ask and tell you I am doing fine.  I am recovering.  I won't tell you the whole truth, I will lie to you.

I'm sorry I do that.  It is what I have always done.  If I tell you everything, I might start to think about it too much.  If I say it out loud, I might forget to keep my eyes on what I can control.  If I voice the real truth, I might sound like I'm complaining and you won't want to talk to me anymore.

So here I am, telling you the truth.  I don't want to.  I would rather lie.  I would rather hide it from you so you don't treat me differently or look at me with sad eyes, but because I know that these things are sometimes your truth also, I want you to be free to be honest and not lie to me when I ask how you are doing.

It's okay if things aren't going well, I know that isn't your fault.  One day they will be.  One moment they will be.  I know you're trying to be strong.  If you tell me the truth, I can encourage you and love on you.  I can remember you and pray for you.

I'm sorry I lie.  I will try to do better.  Thank you for doing better too.

Loss

It is okay to grieve loss.

You are used to grieving for the loss of people and pets, but sometimes we lose other things.

With my list of cancer, MS, and now two surgeries on my medical chart I lost my perfect health record.  I didn't lose my health, I still have a lot of healthy parts to me, but I took pride in my perfect chart and grieved a little when it was first lost.  Now I'm getting used to what I have and the grieving doesn't come so often.

Sometimes we grieve a loss of tradition.  As children grow up and become adults they often have their own families or busy schedules and our normal traditions that we treasured for years often have to change.  The new traditions will be wonderful and great and will provide numerous memories, but for a moment it is okay to to be sad that the old traditions are changing.

Sometimes we grieve the loss of our things.  Usually these things carry stories with them like the favorite mug given by the relative that passed away.  It isn't that we are really sad about the mug.  We are sad that the mug we grabbed everyday won't daily be one of the reminders we have of that loved one.  It is okay to grieve that loss for a moment.  Fortunately, we usually have other ways to remember those we love.

Losses happen all the time.  We lose jobs either by choice or necessity, we will miss the people and the familiarity.  Cars leave us.  We sell them, trade them, or break them.  The car bears memories that we will have to work a bit harder to recall.  We move out of homes and lose the daily reminders they give us.  We lose moments we waste worrying about things that eventually work out perfectly.

Loss of all types brings grief.  Not all grief takes us down the same path.  My grief over people will never come close to the grief of losses of things.  But just because they are things doesn't mean we aren't allowed to be a little sad.  We can remember, cry a little if we have to, and then prepare ourselves for the next thing.  Sometimes the next thing is recognizing the strength you will get from the loss.  Sometimes the next thing is moving forward with the new.  Sometimes we simply take a moment, then move on.

Don't disregard your loss as unimportant.  It is okay to be sad for losses.

The most important thing is to set your mind on what you still have and what amazing things will be coming to replace the loss.

Weeds

A few years ago we were going on a 15 day vacation.  I spent time the day before we left pulling weeds knowing that a little weed today, left alone, would no longer be a little weed.

A little bad habit today can grow into a harmful habit.
A little annoyance can grow into a frustration.
A little nick can grow into a gaping hole.
A little misunderstanding can grow into a lost relationship.

If left alone, the things in our life that don't belong can grow to the point where they are overwhelming and dangerous.  I understood this clearly with the weeds.  Do I understand this clearly in my life?

There are many different examples that illustrate these small troubles growing into large difficulties.  It is easiest to think of where I am today.

Recently, I had a herniated disc and I had surgery to fix it.  It is blessed to be able to speak in the past tense regarding this.  It happened and is daily improving.

Before surgery, I was discussing my symptoms with doctors and specialists.  In the midst of my many conversations with them, I realized that this problem began a long time ago.  It is possible that it began years ago. 

Approximately 5 years ago, my lower back hurt me so badly I could not take large steps or stand up straight.  I did some daily stretching and yoga and managed to make the pain go away.

About 6 months ago, I started to have pain shooting down my leg.  I thought I could make it go away with stretching, massaging or rest.  I succeeded to a point.  It would get better, then it would get worse.  I would give it a lot of attention, see some improvement then give it less attention and it would get worse again.  Eventually there was nothing but medication that would touch the pain.  It was at that point that surgery became my only option.

Now that I am in the healing process and am learning to sit and walk with the best posture, I wonder if having proper posture from the beginning could have helped.  How much of my problem was aggravated because I carried heavy bags on my shoulder?  How much of this could have been avoided if I had identified the little weeds a long time ago and taken care of them before they grew? 

In this case, I didn't really know what the weed was or what I was doing to help it to grow.  I do now and I will keep a watchful eye for future weeds that try to grow up and take over parts of my life.

Santa's Lap

December 1st is one of my favorite days of the year.  It could be because it marks the beginning of a month filled with my birthday, Christmas and the potential for snow.

Today I'm reminded of a story that happened the day before Christmas Eve 5 years ago.  

While my husband and his brother prepared a Christmas gift for my girls, I had to keep them away from the house.  I took them into town.  They wanted to go see Santa.  At the time, my oldest was 11 and my youngest was 8.  

Against the voices saying:

"You don't want to do that, it'll cost money, 

I don't want to wait in line," 

I took them inside, telling myself:

"They are only young once, 

they still believe in the magic of Santa, 

this won't last forever, 

the line isn't that big of a deal compared to their joy, 

it isn't that much money in the realm of the big picture."

They sat on Santa's lap and got their picture taken.  My youngest talked his ear off. They were both thrilled.

Letting our girls believe in Santa wasn't lying to them.  It was letting them believe in magic and beauty and a pure giving heart.  These are all things Jesus came to give us, we have a fun character at Christmas giving us hope that we can have those same characteristics.  Wonder, mystery, magic.  These are childlike things that should be treasured for as long as possible, even if that means spending $10 on a photo two girls sitting on Santa's lap.

One At a Time

I made it through microdiscectomy surgery just fine.  I love falling asleep and waking up to hear that everything is finished.  It takes a while to process that an entire surgical procedure happened on your body and you had no awareness of it.  I prefer it that way.

As I have been recovering I found myself being thankful again.  I am thankful for over 2 years of CrossFit that taught me how my body is supposed to move so I know exactly how to move in order to keep the pain away.  I'm thankful that I went into this procedure healthy and strong so that I will recover faster.

It was during these thankful thoughts that it occurred to me that health is something you acquire one choice at a time.  Each day, each moment, we make choices about our activity, our food, our social circles, and our spiritual needs.  It isn't something you have one day and is gone the next.  It definitely isn't something you don't have then wake up the next day with great health.  It is a long process spanning years that is simply created one choice at a time.

You have to make your own choices.  You have to find your own path.  Here is a bit of mine:

Since my girls were very young I chose to get up an hour before I actually needed to in order to begin my day.  I use that hour to enjoy my coffee and process my thoughts and feelings.  I might write, I might talk, I might sit and do nothing.  It is a precious time that is worth a little less sleep and it helps me begin my day with peace.

I surround myself with dear friends who are encouraging and accept me just as I am.  I am very careful not to invest myself in people who tear me down or who don't know me or don't want to know me.  I am blessed to have friends that stretch back to childhood.  I don't have to talk to them everyday, our friendship is that strong and secure.

I choose food that makes me feel good.  There is food we eat when we are down, comfort food, which we simply enjoy eating, but I a not talking about comfort food.  I choose food that actually makes my body feel healthier and stronger.  I know the doughnut will cause a headache and make my stomach hurt so as good as it may taste, I don't desire it because I won't feel good.

I choose exercise because, without it, I will be weak and more aches and pains will come that I could have avoided by training regularly, moving and getting stronger.  I choose to take time out of my day to keep my body strong, to gain energy so that I can enjoy life and I can take on whatever it throws at me.  My husband and I went to Ireland last year.  We were able to hike the Cliffs of Moher for hours.  I watched as people much younger than me were out of breath after just 30 minutes.

One choice at a time 
One day at a time
One moment at a time

Becoming healthy in spirit, mind, body and soul happens one little decision at a time.

The Thief

Most have heard the Bible verses about not worrying about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself.  Before that statement, Jesus points out that the flowers that will die or be trampled upon are more beautiful than the richest man in the world.  If God cares enough to make them beautiful how much more does he care about a person whom he loves.

With this knowledge that my heavenly father, my Daddy, loves me enough to care about the simplest details of my life, I should be able to rest in the knowledge that He will take care of whatever needs taking care of.  No amount of worry can change anything.

I have surgery tomorrow, not just any surgery: back surgery.  I did everything in my power to avoid this surgery, to fix myself so that it wouldn't be necessary.  In the face of the unknown and the scary, I choose to trust.  Each moment a worry or concern tries to sneak into my mind, I send it to my Daddy and let him know that He has to take care of it.  I can't control anything.  I can't think my way through the surgery.  I can't worry away the risks.  I can trust.  I can know that I am doing the right thing and trust that the results will work out.  At the end of the day I will always be victorious because I trusted and did not learn on my own understanding.

Worry is a thief.  It steals our peace of mind and replaces it with panic.  It steals our time as we run through our worrisome thoughts.  It steals our hope and replaces it with doubt.  It steals our joy and replaces it with fear.  It steals our present, our mind is so fixed on the "what ifs" of the future that we miss out on the moment.

Choosing to not worry isn't easy.  It is extremely difficult and doesn't happen just once.  The choice happens over and over.  Each moment that a worrisome thought sneaks in, the choice must be made again and again.

As you venture into the next scary moment, choose to hope, choose to trust.  Do everything in your power to keep the worry away.



Matthew 6:25-34
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes?  See how the flowers of the field grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you . . .?  So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Stubborn

This recent difficulty I've been dealing with has revealed to me how stubborn I am.

I've always known I'm a bit stubborn.  I like to be correct and I like to have my way.  I've learned how to be more gracious and lenient with other's wishes over the years, but when it comes to things trying to take me out, I am still very stubborn.

When my health tries to make me stop, I find myself gritting my teeth and moving forward stubbornly.  It might be viewed as grit or determination, but this time around it feels like stubbornness.

I have a herniated disc that in itself doesn't cause a lot of pain, but that particular disc is pushing on my sciatic nerve causing constant pain.

The pain has been nagging since last summer.  I continued to do CrossFit.  I continued to do all the things I like to do.  In October the pain got worse.  It hurt to sit, but I sat in the car for a 10 hour drive to the coast.  It hurt to do everything, but lay down.  I continued to go to work and sit and stand and bend and teach.  It wasn't until the pain had me crawling on the floor that I finally had to stop working.

They told me I needed surgery, I didn't want to.  I tried resting.  I tried stretching.  I tried physical therapy.  It wasn't until I could no longer walk on my own that I gave in and scheduled surgery.  You will find me getting my own drink and my own food and trying to take care of myself.  The only time I get help is when they force it on me.

I am resilient, determined, strong, and a fighter, but I am also stubborn.  I want to be able to do the work.  I don't want to be the one on the side lines.  I want to be able to finish the job.  I want to be able to accomplish the tasks on my list.

When something is taken from me, I get knocked down a notch.  I have to ask for and accept help.  I have to watch people serve me.  I am grateful beyond measure for all the people that have helped me.  Watching them take care of me and feeling the ache inside simply puts a greater spotlight on my stubbornness.

I choose to believe that sometimes this stubbornness helps me get stuff done.  The rest of the time, I have to put it aside and let other people shine.

Orange Story: Living With It

For the most part, after the first couple months of my MS diagnosis and the ups and downs of learning how to cope with medication and what it was doing to me, I've simply had to learn what it looks like to live with MS.

Living with MS means as long as I sleep good each night, eat right, stay away from stress and drastic temperature changes I feel perfectly well.  If any of these things are disturbed, I feel tired, run down or simple out of sorts.  I can still do most things.  I can still function normally, but it may take more effort or more time.  My journals are full of my reports on how a bad night's sleep affected my day or how the weather turned cold or hot and suddenly I feel run down. 

Living with MS has made me stop and pay attention to myself.  I've had to take care of myself regardless of what is going on around me.  I have to put myself first or I feel the negative effects immediately.

Living with MS means living with the unknown.  The biggest adjustment I've had to make isn't the medication or the diet, it is the unknown.  Living with MS means that at any moment something new can be taken from me.  When I was originally diagnosed I went to bed after playing "Just Dance" with my girls and woke up with the inability to move the left side of my face.  I had no warning this was going to happen. 

Living with MS means that today I may be able to run and tomorrow I may not.  It means that today I can see and tomorrow I may lose my sight.  I don't anticipate any of these things happening.  I will take care of myself and do everything in my power to remain healthy, but MS doesn't care about that.  It can take whatever it wants whenever it wants.  I can't control it. 

Living with MS means I take care to control what I can.  I sleep well because I can control when I go to bed.  I eat well because I can control what I put in my mouth.  I exercise because I can control my physical health.  I share my thoughts and fears because I can control my mental health.  I know who to trust for the things I can't control and lean on Him with everything to keep my spirit healthy.

Living with MS means that I am daily thankful for what I can do, for the people that are in my life, for each moment that I have.  I am aware that these moments are here now and are not guaranteed forever.  I am aware that my abilities are here now and may not be here forever.  I am in the moment.  I am thankful and I can see clearly what I have today.

Living with MS means I am living.  MS will do what it will, I will keep on living and moving forward.

Thanksgiving

I've made some observations about Thanksgiving over the past couple of days. 

I've observed people suddenly trying to be more thankful than they were a month ago.  I've observed more people at the grocery store, many of those people almost running over me as I hobbled through the aisles with my cane.  I've observed more people on the road, many of them impatient and driving dangerously.  I've observed commercials about having more stuff or nicer stuff.  I've observed people making Thanksgiving the mark to allow them to begin their Christmas shopping or to shop good deals for themselves.

Thanksgiving isn't about any of that.

Thanksgiving is a date on the calendar where people make a conscious decision to get together with family or friends.  Sometimes they travel, sometimes they don't.  They often connect with people they haven't connected with in a while.  Sometimes these groups come together out of obligation.  Sometimes they come together because they actually want to be together. During this time these people eat their favorite traditional Thanksgiving foods.  

Thanksgiving and its traditions shouldn't be an obligation.  It shouldn't be stressful.  It shouldn't cost an obscene amount of money.  Thanksgiving shouldn't be a day to be dreaded.

Thanksgiving should bring us memories of family and friends that surround us all year long.  Thanksgiving gives us an opportunity to be with as many of those people as we can, eat together, visit together and enjoy each other's company.  Thanksgiving doesn't have to happen on the fourth Thursday of November.  It can happen anytime we eat with those we care about and are thankful to have in our lives.

Thanksgiving isn't about table decorations or big turkeys.  It's about people.  It's about people you can count on, who are there to support you and encourage you and give you a hand when you need it.  Thanksgiving gives us an opportunity to stop and celebrate the people we love.  Even if we can't be with them, we can celebrate and appreciate what they add to our lives.

Enjoy your day this Thanksgiving.  Pause from the running and really see what you have to be thankful for.  Sit back and enjoy your blessings.  Those blessings may not always be around, you don't want to miss out because you were worried about how your table looked or whether or not you had the perfect food or who showed up or who didn't.

Be thankful for all you have before it is gone.

Orange Story: New Normal

Once I figured out how to manage my MS medication, I had to accept a new normal.

I discovered I moved at a slower pace, not literally, but I tended to do everything at a slow even keel.  If I had a list of tasks, I completed a few them then I needed to pause before completing a few more.  I couldn't simply push myself through a list of chores like I used to do.

Before MS, I could accomplish great feats of work in a day.  I can't do that now.  I will end up being too worn out.  It will always take me longer to complete a long list because I refuse to push myself to the limit just to accomplish a list of tasks.

People all over are busy from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to bed at night.  They are also waking up early and staying up late.  They fill their day with scheduled events and rush through meals in order to get to the next event or skip meals all together.  I used to be capable of this.  I used to be able to work all day, come home and clean the house or make dinner, do laundry and be capable of doing it all again the next day.  I could do all of it alone and didn't need any help.

My new normal is that I can't do that anymore.  I can't do it all.  I definitely can't do it alone.  I manage my time.  I make time to breathe, to rest, to take care of my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

My new normal means that I say "no" when I'm too tired.  My new normal is that I let things go, not everything is perfect all the time, not everything is finished all the time.  My new normal is that I put myself first.  My new normal is that I create peace in my life.  At the end of the day, I did everything I needed to do, everything that was good for me, and I sleep in peace.  The next day will hold what it holds.  Most of the time, I am not worried about tomorrow or fretting about yesterday.

My new normal may be a bit slower, but it's also a bit easier, nicer and healthier.  It is unfortunate that MS brought me to this wonderful place.  I could have enjoyed this place longer if I had learned to slow down before MS knocked on my door.

I Can't. . .

I can't take a shower, but I'm thankful I can take a bath.
I can't sit at the table to eat, but I'm thankful I can stand at the counter with my family.
I can't go for a walk with my friend, but I'm thankful I can walk through the house.
I can't go to work, but I'm thankful that people can take over for me until I can return.
I can't make my own meals, but I'm thankful for family and friends that make me food.
I can't clean my house, but I'm thankful for responsible daughters whom I've trained well and who are       helpful.
I can't do my own laundry, but I'm thankful for helping hands who pitch in.
I can't sit on the couch to watch that movie, but I'm thankful I can join you by sitting in the recliner.
I can't spend time on my hair, but I'm thankful my stylist cut it so I don't have to.
I can't shave my legs, but I'm thankful for the grey hair so it doesn't show much.
I can't drive, but I'm thankful I can be a passenger.

There are many things I can't do right now.
There are still things I can do.
With my trusty cane, I can walk a bit farther, pick things up and get myself dressed.
With loved ones around me, I can do anything and am lacking in no thing.

I can't . . . but I'm thankful I can. . . .

Orange Story: Talking

MS took some of my muscle ability in my face.  I don't know how to describe it.  My face doesn't go numb.  When it is at its worst it feels like cotton balls are stuffed in my cheeks and I'm moving in slow motion.  I slur and have to focus to not loose my words. 

When I am rested and healthy, talking is easy and no one can notice a difference.  When I begin to get tired, talking becomes more work.  The first solution was to get a portable microphone in my classroom.  The mic allows me to be able to focus on talking, but not have to worry about projecting.

In the beginning I also found that it was difficult for me to be in groups of people.  I had a get-together with a group of friends and discovered that I didn't have the ability to fight for attention.  First, nobody should have to fight to be heard among friends, but I found out that I get interrupted easily and have lost the ability to stop people from butting in.

I would begin sharing my thoughts and after the slightest pause, someone would interrupt me and I would not be able to finish talking.  If I had a response to someone else's thought, I wouldn't be able to respond fast enough or loud enough to be heard.  I simply stopped talking.

I know everyone has a different personality.  There are shy and bold people.  There are dominating people and followers.  That is the reality of a group of people.  But in a group of friends, everyone should be paying attention to one another and not trying to interrupt or rule the conversation. 

It is difficult for me to talk.  It takes work.  It takes more energy for me to speak than for the average person.  I have a difficult time saying all the words I want.  Some of them get lost.  Some of them simply don't come out correctly.  This is another reason that writing helps me.  I can say everything without being interrupted or getting tired.

It is difficult to see that talking is difficult for me.  For the most part it is hidden unless you look closely.  Some have noticed, most haven't. 

MS gets to take whatever it wants.  MS took the ease of talking from me.  I don't know what it will take next.  Either way, I will make adjustments and continue moving forward.

A Little Love

I read something I wrote a couple of years ago when I was beginning to figure out how to journey through MS.  Those words are a good reminder for me today.  During that time, I was thinking about all the things that were going on.  It didn't matter what chaos was all around me, I knew that my Daddy loved me.  I believed everything was going to work out and that the results would be amazing because He loves me. 

The knowledge I have that He loves me doesn't come from the Bible, although it says it there.  The knowledge I have doesn't come from a book or pastor.  It comes from my experience.  He shows me He loves me everyday.  He is there for me in the brightest and darkest of times.  He takes care of me and notices details that bless my life.  Because my Daddy loves me more than anyone else does, I know He will give me what is best for me.  I know He will always take care of me. All the knowledge I need to feel safe, secure and confident is His love.

Right now I am dealing with pain from a herniated disc pushing on my sciatic nerve.  I'm thankful that I will have surgery to relieve the pain soon.  I am also thankful for pain medication that helps me make it through the day. 

I wouldn't have chosen the day I am going to have surgery.  I would have chosen a more convenient day for my work schedule.  I would never have chosen to be in this much pain or to lose the ability to do many of the things I normally do.  It doesn't matter what I would have chosen.  That is not how life works.

Life deals you whatever hand it wants.  We don't get to give back the cards or trade them or try to change them.  We simply have to move forward with what we have.  As we move forward we choose how we think about our journey, we choose how we think about our challenges.  The only thing that helps me keep moving through the most difficult days is knowing that I am loved.

I have a Daddy, a God that loves me and cares about me more than anyone else.  He doesn't like that I am having pain any more than my family who watches me hobble across the house.  He understands how disappointed I am to have to take so much time off work.  He cares more about what I have had to give up than anyone else does.

However, If I look closely, I can see his helping hand.  The people that come alongside to show their support and kindness are a gift from my Daddy.  The medication available to relieve my pain is a gift from my Daddy.  Being surrounded by love and understanding from close friends and family is one of my favorite gifts from my Daddy.

Things won't always be easy.  Life will deal some terrible hands.  My Daddy will always take care of me and show me His love in the most precious ways.

Orange Story: Comparing Scars

Once I was a month into living with MS I had already talked with many other people who had MS. 

The first thing I noticed was that everyone's story is completely different.  Everyone has different symptoms, responds to medication differently and has different needs for their life. 

It's important to be careful not to compare your journey with another's.  If your medicine works for you it doesn't mean it will work for everyone else.  If you can continue through your life and your job with no issues, it doesn't mean that someone else can fly by as easily as you.

This isn't only true for MS.  This is true for all of us that walk through life.  Our stories aren't identical.  If they were it would be boring.  Our journeys aren't the same and what works for you may or may not work for your neighbor.

Our hope is that when we share our stories with one another we can feel that we are not alone.  Our neighbors struggle too.  We can gather hope from each other's victories.  We can gain wisdom from each other's successes.  There are no guarantees that another's recipe will work in our kitchen, but we can tweak it and make it our own. 

This revelation isn't a bunch of metaphors thrown together.  I've had to listen to people try to convince me that their medication was better after they listened to the side effects I was dealing with.  It wasn't much farther into the conversation when they finally remembered their horrible side effects.  The reality of changing medications comes down to trading one set of side effects for another.  I've heard people try to reassure me that I'll be okay because their friend has lived for years with MS and everything is fine.  Many others can't see MS on me and are confused about what is really wrong.  They look at me like I'm making it all up.

Listen to others when they talk about their scars and don't pretend to know what they are going through or have gone through.  Understand and be willing to say, "I'm sorry, that sucks," then leave it at that. 

Simply Shitty

Some days are simply shitty and there is no other word to describe them.  Sometimes everything falls apart.  Sometimes everything is difficult.  Sometimes the journey is all uphill with sad reminders and big obstacles at every turn.

There are great days when we are moving forward and feeling victorious.  We made it through our list, we impacted someone's life, we felt the full measure of our potential and we know we are amazing.

Then there are the shitty days.  We thought we were through the muck, but now we're in it deeper.  While we are down the sky is dark and we can't see the way out.  We know it's there, but we can't see it.  We can't find the light.  Our only hope is to make our own light.  We have to remember it.  We can't see the sun, but we remember.  We remember how the sun breaks through the clouds.  We remember how the muck will eventually dry up.  We remember that the last time we felt this way, we found our way out.

Some days are simply dark.  Some days the light seems too far.  Some days are simply shitty.

Thank God it is only some days.  Some days are shitty, but there are a whole lot more that are amazing and beautiful and remind us that we can survive the shitty days and soon enjoy the amazing again.

Orange Story: Eating

My MS medication comes with two primary side effects: flushing and stomach pains.  The paperwork says that after two years both side effects are equivalent to those of people who have a placebo.  Knowing I couldn't wait two years to get rid of the pain, I changed my diet.

I began eating gluten free and dairy free foods.  I took almond milk in my coffee instead of cream.  I stopped drinking milk of which I used to drink gallons.  I stopped eating breads and crackers.  The immediate result was that my stomach pain and flushing went away.

At first I didn't enjoy the food as much, but I realized that "I was eating to live rather than living to eat."  I knew that what I put in my body helped me whether I liked it or not. 

At the beginning of the diet the memory of the intense pain was still fresh in my mind so at that time the choice to eat gluten and dairy free was easy.  I knew I might have moments in the future when I would crave something I shouldn't eat, but I didn't have any cravings at the beginning.

People gave me a difficult time for eating this way.   They acted like I was inconveniencing them by eating differently.  I heard comments like, "What do you eat then?"  I was eating carrots and the people that were eating chips commented on my healthy choice.  Eating is a choice. 

I chose to eat in such a way that I would feel no pain from my medication.  If the result was a healthier body and the ability to say no to donuts because all I saw in them was pain, then I would gladly accept it.

After taking my medication for over 2 years I have minimal side effects.  Every once in a while if I am tired or stressed I get flushing side effects in the morning, but I don't have any stomach pain.  I'm not perfect on the diet like I was in the beginning, but I pay attention to my body and feed it what will make it feel good, not what will make me feel good.

November Birthdays

During the month of November we used to celebrate my grandma and grandpa's birthdays.  Now when their birthdays come around, we remember them.  We remember them with tears and we remember them with love.

I saw some yellow flowers and remembered how my grandpa used to pick flowers in the pasture where he was farming and bring them back to my grandma.  He liked yellow.  I imagine my grandma responding like grandpa was silly, but inside appreciating his thoughtfulness.

I see a pansy and think of my grandma.  Pansies decide to grow where ever they want.  They don't care if they are supposed to be there or not.  My grandma liked pansies because they looked like smiling faces.  She did her thing.  She grew where she wanted.  She grew in the rocks.  Nothing could keep her down.

I miss my grandparents.  I miss being able to talk to them.  I miss their support and understanding.  They cheered me on no matter what.  I was always amazing in their eyes.  I can't call them anymore or write them nice letters, but I can remember them.

I remember their faces.  I remember them in the kitchen.  Grandpa would sit at the table listening to the news and watching the neighbors go by, informing us who was speeding or wondering where they were going.  Grandma would be fussing about the food and would refuse to sit down for a moment. She would always have coffee and hidden desserts.

If remember baking cookies during the holidays.  I remember playing games that my grandma couldn't remember the rules for.  I remember painting the fence, pulling weeds, finding vegetables in the garden, putting puzzles together and exploring.  I remember special drinks and special moments.  A quick visit lasted over an hour.

I don't get to have them back.  That makes me sad.

I have years of memories and moments that I will never loose.  That makes me thankful.

Orange Story: Be Healthy

My stomach pains continued.  They were bearable during the day when I didn't take my MS medication. At night they still woke me up when I did take my MS medication.  I didn't know if I would ever be able to handle the pain.

My husband found a book written by Dr. Terry Wahls that describes a diet where the food gives your body the fuel it needs to repair itself.  Since my husband can't make my stomach pains go away, he found something he could do to help me.  He discovered a new way to eat.  Dinner last night was yummy.  We had kale, peppers, avocado, tomatoes, ground beef and salsa on a bed of corn chips.  I felt full and good eating that.

Some days I stuck to the diet, some days I didn't.  On the days I stuck to the diet I felt good and had minimal stomach pains.  This had to become the new normal.  The delicious food wasn't worth the pain it would give me, so I happily and easily chose to tell the food that was hurting me good-bye in exchange for painless days.

I originally thought that MS would be something that brought medication into my world and that would inconvenience me once in a while.  I was wrong.  MS is going to transform how I do everything forever. 

It has. 

I have stuck with this new diet for over 2 years.  I exercised consistently for 2 years, something I have never done before, I pay attention to how I feel and make decisions accordingly.  MS has forced me to become the healthiest person I could become.  Staying healthy is a battle I am willing to fight and must fight each and every day.

The Daily Battle

About a month ago I started having a shooting pain down my right leg.  I was fairly certain my sciatic nerve was causing the pain, but I didn't know why or how to fix it.  I paid attention to every movement and moved in ways that caused little or no pain.

Today, that pain is so severe that the only pain free position is lying flat on my back on the floor with my knees up on a stool.  Yes, the only pain free position.  Right now I am kneeling by my bed to type this. 

It took a few doctor's visits to discover I have a herniated disc in my back.  The disc is pushing on my sciatic nerve causing pain to shoot like fire down my leg.

It hurts to walk, it hurts to sit, it hurts to stand.  I've stopped driving.  I can't pick things up off the floor without pain.  My family has all taken a turn putting my shoes on me.

Don't feel badly for me.  I'm simply painting a picture. 

In the midst of this debilitating pain,  I am thankful. 

I know that this won't last forever, even though some days I'm not sure I can take another minute of it. 
I am blessed with a family that knows how to take care of things around the house and if it doesn't get done, everyone is okay with that.  I'm thankful for the many kind eyes and words of concern and empathy I have received as I limped down the halls at school.  I didn't complain, they simply cared.  I'm thankful for the things I can still do.  I'm ever so capable.  Perhaps when this pain is gone, I'll be even more thankful for what I can do. 

I've said many times that the thing that keeps me going is celebrating what I am able to do.  You never know when it will be taken away.  I will enjoy sitting and walking pain free again.  I will enjoy being able to run with my students or simply sit on the floor with them again.

Until then, I still have much to be thankful for.  I still have much to rejoice over.  I am still surrounded by love and kindness and compassion.

Life gets tough.  It gets really tough.  Keeping our eyes on what we have and not what we've lost reminds us to look forward and not behind and gives us the strength to fight and move forward and rejoice in each new day.

Orange Story: Stomach Pain

 One day shortly after starting my medication, 2:30 am brought doubled-over stomach pains.  It wasn't until my husband put his hand on my back that the pain eased up enough for me to go to sleep.  I'm sure he was praying for me, but his hand also calmed me.  It didn't feel great the next morning, but I could still function.

The next day the pain was immense and intense and debilitating.  I had to call in sick.  My stomach hurt so badly it brought me to tears.  I couldn't stand or walk for long.  My husband read that someone described the pain like a person was twisting their stomach like you wring out a cloth.  I agreed.  I skipped my pill that morning hoping I could get a handle on the pain for a day.  It felt like it was compiling and getting worse.  The first day the stomach pain came, then went.  On this day, it just stayed.  It went through waves of differing intensities.  It hit me hard after lunch yesterday.  I couldn't function.  I called the office and barely uttered I wasn't feeling well.  Thankfully, within minutes the counselor brought the cavalry and shooed me home.  It takes quite a bit to keep me from teaching.  This pain fit the bill. 

Here I was taking medication that was supposed to keep away episodes that could steal functions from my body.  While the medication was doing this good thing, it was causing debilitating pain in my stomach that kept me from all daily functions.  This is such a difficult battle to fight, to maneuver around and to find a way through. 

What makes us keep fighting?  What makes us look for a way through the pains and difficulties that won't leave us alone?  What makes us willing to keep moving forward through the obstacles that won't leave us alone? 

For me, it is simply worth the fight?  It's worth fighting, knowing that I will win and have victory over my situation again.  I will be able to look back on the battle and stand in awe of my strength and know that nothing will ever be able to take me down.

Flexible

I don't feel like I have anything new to say. 

This week I have still been living with pain as I have been trying to create a way for it to heal.  I am desperately trying to avoid strong medication that messes with me and surgery that I feel will mess me up.

I have been giving more of myself than I have to parents of students, to my students and having very little left for my family. 

I have experienced genuine care and concern from people who are paying attention and pat answers and empty phrases from those who don't really know me.

I have been reminded of my inability to ask for help as I struggle to complete simple tasks silently aching when there is someone a few feet away that could help if only I would ask.

I have been reminded of my strength to overcome difficulties no matter what gets thrown at me.

Some of this weeks moments have been difficult and some have been precious.

Each day and each week hold these up and down moments.  How do we see these moments?  How do they change us?  How do they frame our memories and our hopes? 

Life is ever moving.  It is always changing and shaping us.  Do we let it or do we fight it?  Do we bend and move with the day or do we stand rigid and refuse to be shaped by our circumstances? I know each event in each day molds me.  I hope I am flexible and don't fight against circumstances that will make me stronger and better.

Orange Story: Side Effects

The side effects began.  I was taking my MS medicine twice a day.  After about a week, the side effects I read about starting making themselves known. 

I had conferences at school.  Conferences meant that I spent the day teaching, then spent the following 4 hours meeting with parents.  Under normal circumstances conferences are tiring.  I was feeling exhausted from conferences then I started having flushing and stomach aches all at once.  I never knew what flushing was until it began.  It feels like your face is on fire.  Sometimes it spreads to your chest.  I felt so poorly I cried.  I was breaking.

The biggest problem was I had to keep teaching.  I couldn't stop and take a break.  I couldn't walk away and gather myself.  I had to keep going for the sake of 25 third graders.  The side effects eventually subsided, but the exhaustion didn't. 

I stayed down the following day.  I was confident my body would get used to this medicine, but in the meantime this was tough and I felt miserable. 

How many times does the solution cause pain?  I know side effects are common with medication.  Medication is supposed to help us, but in the meantime it can also hurt, then we need more medication to help the new hurts. 

How often is the solution to other things in our lives painful?  The solution to a tricky relationship is giving something of ourselves that we aren't used to giving.  The solution to a trying job may be finding a new job or committing to completing difficult tasks.  There is always a little pain or discomfort in the solutions.  Sometimes the pain comes during the time it takes for the solution to finally relieve us.

Eventually, we get used to the pain or we adapt to it.  Not everyone has to deal with side effects of necessary medication, but everyone has to wait for solutions to all of the problems that try to take us down.  We can do it.  We can overcome all the side effects that come our way.  We may simply need to be flexible.

Remembered

We will be remembered for how we treated people, how we spoke to them, how we cared about them, how we encouraged them, and how we loved them.  Our actions and accomplishments aren't as everlasting as our character.

I spent a couple days listening to the achievements of some great people during an awards ceremony.  The slide shows celebrated their diligence, their willingness to make a difference in the lives around them, their willingness to give of their time and themselves.  We celebrated their steadfastness, work ethic and humbleness.  Their achievements were amazing, but it was their character in the midst of these achievements that everyone was honoring. 

Are you most proud of your character in the day to day, in the midst of difficult times or times when life takes a little more effort?  Or are you most proud of the list of achievements you can put on your resume?

Are you thankful for a day where you positively impacted people, encouraged them and helped them meet their goals?  Or are you more thankful that you met your goals?

Achievements are wonderful and they often drive us to move forward, but they aren't everything and they shouldn't keep us from having the kind of character that moves people, encourages people and gives people hope that they can overcome the difficulties, challenges and obstacles in life.  The people around you will believe in themselves because of you.

This doesn't happen through work.  This happens through living and loving and being your best even if your best doesn't feel all that great.

How do you want to be remembered?

Orange Story: Daily Reminder

About a week after the infusions I began taking MS medication.  I talked with my doctor about which one would work best for me. The directions for my medication made it very clear that it needed to be taken at the same time everyday, twice a day.  The more consistently it was in my body the better chance it had to be successful.

MS medication doesn't make a person better.  Its job is to reduce the attacks.  My immune system is attacking the protective covering over my nerve cells.  The medication reduces the amount of white blood cells that I have.  By reducing the white blood cells, we essentially reduce the size of the army that is attacking my nerve cells.  The medication can't take away or fix damage.  The hope is that it keeps away future damage.  Imagine a battle where the soldiers are attacking an unarmed castle.  The only hope the people in the castle have is that the soldiers will stop.  If there are fewer of them, the damage won't be as bad and maybe they can creatively keep them away.

Taking medication the same time twice a day meant that I had to set an alarm.  There are two alarms on my phone that go off every day reminding me to take my medication.  I've been taking my medication for over 2 years. At the very beginning, the alarm was a daily reminder that this new thing was part of me.  I couldn't escape it or forget about it because the alarm would ding and remind me once again.   I wondered if I would get used to it.  Today it's better.  It isn't such a glaring reminder today, just a quiet reality.

There is always a daily reminder of our weaknesses and short comings.  It comes in the form of an alarm for me.  Sometimes it's a nagging pain, sometimes it's a visible change, sometimes it's a memory.  How do we deal with those reminders?  Do we graciously accept that our weaknesses are not who we are or do we cringe and feel less than what we should?

I hope we remember that our weaknesses and difficulties and short comings are not our identity.  They simple are the things we overcome and grow in, making us amazing despite the difficulties trying to pull us down.

I Can

It's not about what you can't do.  It's about what you can.
It's not about your limitations.  It's about your achievements.
I don't want people to say she did well considering all her obstacles, I want them to say she did well and on top of that, look at what she overcame.

There may always be a list of what I cannot do, but I want to celebrate the list of things I can do,
I can walk, talk, listen, write and read.  I can do my job, take care of my family, and enjoy my friends.  I can make a difference in other's lives.  I can love.  I can care.  I can show up.

The list of things I can do is much longer than the things I cannot do.  I choose to celebrate and remember what I am still capable of and when something I can do becomes a cannot, I will still celebrate all the cans that remain.

I will celebrate my achievements and not focus on my limitations.  I can.

Orange Story: Listen to the Answer

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I chose not to share things with other people because I didn't think they wanted to hear or I didn't think they would understand. I would answer questions simply are rarely offer extra information.

My conversations with people about MS were more frustrating.  Most people aren't educated about what MS does.  I wouldn't have known anything if I hadn't done research when my dad was diagnosed.

I was becoming less gracious with people's statements to me.  I know they cared and didn't know what to say.  I think I was frustrated because they didn't listen, not because they didn't know what to say.

I would explain that I would begin medication soon.  I explained that the medication's purpose was to keep away new episodes like the one I had.  It doesn't make me better.  The most common response was, "You'll feel better when you get your medication." I had to stop talking.  They didn't hear me.  They didn't listen to what I was sharing.  They asked, but didn't listen.

My heart would sink every time.  I had to stop talking.  I just wanted them to hear my answer to their question.  I wanted to have the conversation they started.

I've accepted these things, but I hope that we can stop and hear those around us.  If we don't understand, ask a few more questions and listen to the answer.  Let that person know that you value their story enough to hear it.

Giving Christmas

This might seem a bit early, but as we near the end of October and the stores begin to put out their Christmas things, I remember a Christmas that was simple and beautiful.

Christmas 2012 was an extra giving Christmas.  My oldest daughter was 11 and my youngest daughter was 8.  That year, my girls were more excited to watch people open gifts they had given than to open their own gifts.  They took the time to find special things for people that they knew they would love. They saved their own money and did their own shopping.

Everyone was thoughtful this year and tried to give people things that fit them or they talked about. The key to good gift giving is listening to the person you are getting a gift for.  You have to listen to them all year not just in December.  You have to listen to what they like, what they need, what they would love to have but will never buy for themselves.  You have to listen to what is important to them.

It's my favorite when you happen upon that perfect gift that you know someone will love rather than hunting it down in a busy afternoon.  Those special gifts are the ones you are anxious for someone else to open.  No one gave gifts just to have something to wrap that year.

It felt like a very blessed Christmas. Blessed because of people, health and love, not because anything under the tree.

I hope that as we enter into this coming season that everyone will remember that it is about people and not things.  It is about thinking of others and not good deals.

Orange Story: Right Now

Once my infusions were complete, I had a couple of days to be home and to rest.  I managed to do a few household tasks and walk in the sun.  I enjoyed the sunshine on my face.  I felt like a flower soaking up the rays. 

I continued to feel nauseous those few days.  My nauseousness would come and go throughout the day. Even though I was no longer receiving infusions, I think the medicine was still making its way through me.  My arm was refusing to wake up. It felt like it hung limp at my side.  My collar bone and overall left side felt bruised to the touch.  I slept for over 10 hours and it didn't seem to make a dent in my problems. 

In order for me to keep from going crazy or getting depressed I had to be in the moment. 

In the moment, I had lost some use of my muscles on the left side of my body.  I didn't feel well and was tired.  Also, in the moment there was hope that I would get better. 

MS was not going to go away, but these symptoms may so I hoped and used that hope to stave off depression.  I know that when I have mobility back I will use it and be thankful for it.  Until then, I will hope and be patient and see and be thankful for what is right now.

On the Horizon

Today I was able to see the mountains clearly.  There was no haze or clouds to block my view.  They were majestic.  The blues and purples topped with patches of snow stood out against the grey sky.  As I looked at those mountains, I remembered our trip to the Oregon Coast not long ago.

Our journey to the coast takes us through Eastern Oregon then along the Columbia River.  We have traveled over the mountains that sit in northeast Oregon more than 20 times.  On this journey I spotted two mountains on the horizon I had never seen before.  I believe I was seeing Mt. Adams and Mt. Rainier.  Looking at the map, I was in awe at how far away these mountains were and I was able to see them from my vantage point atop the Blues Mountains. 

Those mountains have always there.  I've never seen them before because they were hidden behind haze that usually sits on the horizon.

Many amazing and beautiful and magnificent things are on the horizon all the time.  They are hidden by haze.  They are hidden by the clouds.  They are hidden by bad weather.  Now that I know those mountains are there, I will always look for them.  My eyes will be searching for any hint of them next time we travel that way.

Perhaps there is always something amazing and beautiful on the horizon.  Perhaps it is simply hidden.  I want to look expectantly for what might be hidden.  I want to remember to expect the amazing.  It may take awhile for it to appear, but I know it is there.  I know the magnificent is waiting for me.

Orange Story: I Am Okay

Once my infusions were complete, I did some reflections.  MS was not something I desired or planned on.  I noticed I began letting people come alongside me and help me.  I was letting myself be cared for, in part because I didn't have a choice.  My limp arm and lack of energy made everything difficult or impossible. 

I was thankful we had decided to move.  The actual move didn't happen until 2 years later, but we began the process.  I knew if I had any relapses like this one every once in a while I would need a smaller, flatter and more open house.  At the time, I had a two story house with a basement.  Each level had a multitude of rooms and doors.  Parts of the house had cramped furniture and I would run into it with my left side.  I seemed to be unaware of where the center of my body was.  I was doing okay with the stairs, but I had to be careful and concentrate.  I was acutely aware this couldn't last forever.

At the end of the day through the difficulties and the blessings I will be okay, or I will have the grace to be okay.  Either way, I am okay.

BE

A visit to the ocean is good for the soul.  While watching the ocean, the whales and the rain, I realized these thing's days aren't ruined by bad weather.  I sat by the fire and sought to have an easy going spirit like these things that just continue to BE regardless of the outside circumstances.

BE
The ocean doesn't care it is raining.
It keeps moving.
It keeps flowing.
The whale doesn't care it is raining.
It keeps swimming.
It keeps feeding.

The rain doesn't stop me.
It doesn't change my mood.
It doesn't ruin my plans.
I keep living.
I keep seeing.

The fire burns.
The waves crash.
The rain falls.
The dog rests.
I am here.

The dog doesn't care it is raining.
She keeps sleeping.
She keeps loving.
She knows I think of her and leaves the fire to sit at my feet.
It is good to BE.

Pain

Recently, I've been dealing with some intense pain.  When at it's worst, I want to cry.  When it is at bay, I want to stay still in the hopes I can keep it away.  I know many people deal with pain.  This is a reflection on what the pain was doing to me and what I was going to do about it.

PAIN
It won't leave me.
No shift helps.
No rest helps.
It pokes and prods.
It steals my smile,
Replaces it with a grimace.
I don't want to talk.
I don't want to think.
I want to hide from the pain,
But it follows me.
It stays close.
It demands my attention.
It won't be silenced or satisfied.

My pain is closes to me.
It forms me.
It tries to change me.
It tries to break me,
But I won't let it.
I will be me, pain and all.
They will say they had no idea.
They will be amazed at what I smile through.

It tries to make me sad.
Instead, I must be thankful.
Thankful for what is not pain.
Thankful for what is still good, what still works.
Thankful that strength will come from the pain if I let it.