Bit Broken

Over the last couple of weeks I have posted less often.  I appreciate your faithfulness to come back and check what I may have posted.  It means the world to me to know that you read my words.

These past few weeks, I felt broken.  I felt broken in a way that was different from debilitating pain from a herniated disc.  I still found words to share with you during that painful time last fall, but this brokenness took my energy and my drive to share with you and hopefully encourage you.  I became discouraged and struggled to make myself write.

I imagine that many of you go through moments where you are not your complete self, moments where you begin to doubt yourself and question your thoughts and actions.  I've been dealing with one of these moments and have had to work hard to remind myself of who I am and what I am supposed to do.

Every once in a while it is a good idea to take stock.  Why do I do what I do?  Why do I make the choices I make?  Am I making wise choices?  Am I doing what is best for me or what others think is best for me?  Am I okay?

Sometimes it is easier to mentally get through a physical issue that is trying to take one's body than a mental one.  Sometimes it is easier to be strong when your body feels weak than when your mind feels weak.

During the mental battle, you have to find the truth.  You have to search out what is true and good.  During my most broken moments, I had to remind myself of what I know is true so I am not pulled away and swayed to go down a path that is not my own or a path that isn't right for me.

Whether you are broken physically, mentally, or spiritually today.  Be encouraged.  As you seek out what is true, you will find healing.  It is true that you are on your own path and that your path will never look like someone else's.  Walk your path confidently knowing that it is right for you.  It will lead you to healing and peace.  Other's paths will lead them to their own healing and peace, but their paths won't work for you just like yours won't work for them.

Never judge another's journey.  You have no idea where they have been, where they are going or what they need.  Walk in your journey and try to enjoy the trials and the victories along the way.

10 Years, Actually

I had an appointment with my MS doctor the other day.  I've been going to him for 3 years.  This was the first time I asked a lot of questions.  I learned a bit more about MS and me.

First, I knew that my MRI in the fall had some new lesions on it.  I asked him about them since I knew they were why I was seeing him in the spring.  They were pin pick lesions.  He wanted to keep an eye on them and, I think, keep an eye on me.  The good news is I have no visible or measurable effects of these lesions and they are tiny.  The bad news is I have new activity in my brain.

I also learned that my earlier MRI scans showed black holes.  A black hole in MS means the nerve isn't sending messages any more.  It's like a closed road.  The presence of these black holes means that I have had MS for at least 10 years.  It is possible that MS has been silently stripping away the protective covering on my nerves since my mid-twenties.

I was surprised for a moment. 

Then I remembered, during my cancer treatment I was exhausted.  I spent every day of radiation treatment going to work, going to radiation, going home, eating dinner and going to bed, often around 6:30.  I barely made it through each day.  I was fortunate 2 weeks of my treatment occurred during Christmas break.  On those days I only had to go to treatment.

My exhaustion level was so rare my radiation oncologist shared it with many of his other patients.  They would share their level of tired and he would tell them he has one patient who barely makes it through a full day.  I thought my weariness came from teaching.  Most people going through cancer treatment are retired and don't have to worry about going to full time jobs.  I figured my story was different because my story was different.

With my new knowledge about the duration of MS in my life, I may have been so extremely tired because MS was attacking me at the same time as radiation treatment and recovery from surgery. 

It is also possible I was simply more tired than everyone else.  I won't ever truly know, but it paints a new picture for me.

Cancer and MS can't be prevented if you are destined for them.  You can prevent many diseases by eating healthy, avoiding things that harm your body, and taking steps to keep away germs and bacteria.  Cancer seems to do whatever it wants.  MS is somewhat genetic and definitely geographical.  For me, growing up in the Northwest was a risk factor for getting MS.

There are many diseases and ailments that attack our bodies.  We can't prevent them all.  Many are coming for us no matter what.  But, we can prepare ourselves for the battle.  We can eat healthy foods that fuel us and make us feel good.  We can exercise and give our hearts a chance to be strong.  We can strengthen our muscles so that diseases can't make us weak as quickly as they would like.  In my case, we can keep using our brains for study and problem solving so they aren't debilitated by some blocked roadways.  I believe all the brain work I have done all my life has helped me make multiple connections to thoughts, ideas and everything else my brain needs to do.  A little roadblock here and there just means I have to take a different route.

I am daily thankful for my strength, desire to learn and ability to function and thrive.  Parts of my body are trying to stop that success, but I will keep moving and fighting.

Beauty Behind

I saw a beautiful picture of a young lady the other day.  She is battling cancer.  She feels insecure as her body battles the effects of cancer treatment on her body.  When I saw her picture, I saw beauty.

I don't know her.  I've never met her, but her picture moved me.  I saw her vulnerability, but it was hiding behind everything that was amazing about her.  I saw joy, confidence, hope and utter beauty.

I know she is struggling because she doesn't look the way she wants, yet she can't change it because the medication and treatment is wrecking havoc on her body.  I know she is struggling to maintain her energy and move forward.

Yet, she does move forward.

She wakes up, puts on her beautiful shoes, walks into her garden and smiles her best smile. She keeps speaking to people.  She keeps putting herself out there for others to see.  She keeps moving.

Every time I see someone who is in the midst of the battle of cancer, I am in awe.  I know they are in pain.  I know they are mentally and emotionally drained, yet they keep smiling, they keep moving, they keep listening, they keep talking, they never quit.

They encourage all of us to take on the battles one day at a time, to fight them and to know that in the end we will be okay.

As you deal with your difficulty, whether it is cancer or something else, I want to encourage you to keep moving.  Each step will give you strength and bring you closer to the end.  When in the deepest ditch, remember that soon you will be out and you will be able to see clearly again.  When the mountain is too steep, remember that at the top you will be able to rest and see the landscape.  When your feet feel like they are stuck in quick sand, remember that in a few steps, the quicksand will go and you will be free to run again.

Strength, determination, persistence, and hope are beautiful jewels on any person.  That lovely young lady battling cancer is beautiful wearing all these jewels and standing tall.  I pray she is encouraged to keep moving through this season.  She will look back at her journey and be in awe of what she overcame.

Cookies

I grew up making cookies.  I made cookies with my grandma.  I made cookies with my mom.  I made cookies by myself, mostly to get out of working outside with everyone else.  

I grew up on a farm, not a big farm.  We had a barn stacked high with hay.  We had a big garden.  We had 16 acres of alfalfa.  We had cows we fattened up so we would have meat in the winter.  When you live on a farm you do a lot of baking.  You don't buy cookies or cakes at the store.  You use the bare ingredients and make them yourself.  

The creation of cookies takes preparation, time, and attention to detail.  

It takes preparation.  You have to have all the ingredients.  In the beginning, the list of ingredients to buy is extensive, but after you have made a batch or two, most of the ingredients are sitting in the pantry waiting to be mixed. 

It takes time to mix it all together, to wait for it to cook and to clean up the enormous mess that always ensues.  

It takes attention to detail.  You can't miss any direction on the recipe.  You must use all the ingredients, you must have the correct measurements and the correct cooking time.  There have been numerous times when I forgot one tiny teaspoon of baking soda in my cookies and they looked more like pancakes than cookies.  These mistakes help you to begin to understand the role of each ingredient.  

Some people are so adept at baking they no longer need a recipe.  They know how everything works together.  They know how flavors complement each other and can create without instruction.  I am not one of those people.  I need step-by-step instructions.  Without them, I feel overwhelmed and lost.  

Not everyone can bake.  My husband doesn't bake well.  Instructions and exact measurements are not his strong suit, but he is a great cook.  He can put 5 random items together and make an amazing meal with no instructions at all while I am lost without my step-by-step plan.

Sometimes life is like cookies.  We are given a set of circumstances and have to put them together just right to make it all work, to make it taste appetizing and not fall apart when the heat is added.  Most of the time, we don't have a recipe.  Most of the time we don't have instructions.  We can only use our experience and the experience of others to hope that these ingredients turn into something enjoyable.  

When my life ingredients become unexpected or difficult, I have to turn the unknown into a plan.  Sometimes I make doable lists that I know I can accomplish.  Each time I check an item off of the list, I feel like I am adding an important ingredient that will make my cookies better.  Sometimes I work hard to control everything I can control so the unknown and scary ingredients don't overwhelm me.

I can't be like those amazing bakers who, with their extensive knowledge of ingredients, know how to make cakes and pies without recipes.  I can know myself to the extent that I know how I must maneuver around the unexpected surprises that try to mess up my recipe. 

I know I like peace.  I know I like order.  I know I like cleanliness.  I also like to avoid conflict and pain and will often turn my eyes from it and focus on things that will either distract me or make me feel good.  I spent a lot of time watching television when I was battling cancer and in the early days of MS.  It was easier to escape into someone else's story than try dealing with mine.  I dealt with my own ingredients in small increments.  I would take on a little at a time.  At the point when I was weary and overwhelmed, I would escape and rest from the battle.

We can't make cookies everyday.  The ingredients will run out quickly and that is simply too many cookies to eat.  We make them once in a while.  They are a special treat.  We pull out the recipe, find the ingredients, measure carefully, mix, then bake.  The more time and attention we give to the process the better the cookies.  

Whatever ingredients you are dealt today, find a way to make some good cookies.  Find a way to measure out the pieces that make you whole and happy.  Find the ingredients that will give you a treat and will bring peace and joy to your day.

Surprises

We have a bird in our tree.  We only have one tree in our backyard and it isn't a year old yet.  I've been enjoying the signs of spring at our new house.  I get a new surprise every day.  First it was the buds on the trees, now it is our bird.

We used to have more birds than we could count at our old house.  We also had the tallest trees and the most trees, all in our backyard.  The finches would devour the food in the feeder, the juncos would eat the leftovers off the ground.  The robins stole the warms in the morning.  The doves cooed nearby all day.  The starlings would sometimes take over the trees.  The quail even came by once in a while with their bobbing head dresses.  On rare occasions we would catch a glimpse of a hawk scanning the nearby field for mice.

Now, my day is made because there is a small robin hanging out in our one tree.  He comes to eat a little then returns to simply sit.  The robins I have seen in the past seem pretty busy.  They want to get some food and move on.  I've never seen one sit and hang out.  He's been here almost every day.  I feel blessed because he has chosen our tree.

Our backyard at our old house was an oasis.  When the wind moved the trees, they sang like the waves of the ocean.  We had vines, wildflowers, lilies, roses, irises, hollyhocks, pansies, daisies and some friendly weeds.  We had immense privacy and it was usually 10 degrees cooler in our backyard surrounded by 10 of the tallest and fullest trees.

I could miss it, but I don't.  I remember it.

I could be sad that I have one young tree and one small bird, but I'm not.  I find great joy in it.  I know how precious tall trees are and that one must wait for them.  I know how sweet the sound of visiting birds are and will cherish each one.  I am where I am supposed to be.  Because I know how precious the gifts of spring are, I will welcome and appreciate the smallest of moments.  If I mourn my losses, I forget to be thankful for what I have.

I lost a lot during cancer.  I lost more when I was diagnosed with MS.  I could look back and mourn all that was lost, all that changed in my life, but then I would miss what I could be thankful for today.  I would miss the blessings, the victories, the lessons.

I will celebrate each time the robin comes to visit my little tree and I will celebrate each day's gifts.

God gave me . . . but

God gave me eyes, but I must choose to open them.
God gave me ears, but I must choose to listen.
God gave me hands, but I must choose to work.
God gave me arms, but I must choose to embrace.
God gave me legs, but I must choose to stand.
God gave me feet, but I must choose to walk.

I am not a robot.  I am not a doll.

God gives me strength and wisdom, these gifts are only useful if I choose to use them.

No matter what is going on around me, I am not tossed to and fro by chance.  I must make a choice.

I can profess that God guides me, but if I make poor choices it doesn't matter.

As the road forks ahead of you, you are allowed to choose.  You have the power to choose love, to choose compassion, to choose kindness . . . or not.  You have the power to choose patience, to choose understanding, to choose to reach out . . . or not.  You can be given all the gifts in the world, but if you choose not to use them, they will be useless. 

As I share my story with you, I celebrate my choices.  I celebrate each moment when faced with a difficult fork in the road. In a moment when I could choose to keep walking or choose to stop, I chose to keep walking.  I celebrate the moments that tried to take me down, but my choices kept me moving.  I celebrate the strength I found to keep living during the moments when I simply wanted to lay down and let life go by me.

All my strength came from my Daddy, but I still had to choose to use it. 

Overcoming obstacles, rising above pain, becoming stronger and victorious is accomplished one choice at a time.

Snowflakes and Blossoms

One day we drove down our road and were greeted by trunks and branches coming out of the ground.  There were no leaves or flowers on these branches, just bare sticks.  One might think they were all dead except for the date on the calendar.

The next day we drove down the same road and were greeted by flowers and blossoms blooming in colors of pink and white.  The same bare branches that resembled dead trees were now teaming with life. 

I love that one day can be full of rain and wind and the next day can be blue skies and sunshine.  I'm never too concerned about the weather, it is always changing.  I'm never too down about one season or another, in just a few months everything will change again.

The sprouting blossoms remind me that each minute, each day, each week, each month, each moment is fresh and new and filled with hope and possibilities.  Even when the trees are bare, tomorrow they may be covered in flowers.  The snow may be falling on Monday, but the flowers decide to pop out of the ground on Tuesday. 

Today can be a horrible, difficult day, but tomorrow will be full of joy and promise.

Look to the flowers that come back every year.  Seasons will continue to change, weather will sometimes be unpredictable, but we can count on the flowers to return no matter how hard or long the winter.

Wood, Coal, Ice and Fabric

Character is built through the tough days, not the easy days.

The key to whether or not the character becomes part of us is determined by whether or not we let it.

Everybody has rough moments.
Everyone has bad days.

Do those tough moments and days make you stronger, more patient and wiser or do they make you bitter, irritable, and reserved?

I see the difficulties as refining and chiseling seasons. 

If I was a piece of wood, each hardship would take away the slivers and smooth the hard edges.  As the difficulties keep coming, a shape starts to form.  Sometimes it is recognizable, sometimes it is beautiful, sometimes it is simply a vague shape.

If I was a piece of coal, the pressure of each trial would begin to push out the impurities.  The pressure might form me into something desirable. 

If I was a chunk of ice, the chisel would take away the undesirable lines and shape me into a statue that others might want to see.

If I was a piece of material, the scissors would cut just the right things away.  The thread would sew me back up in the perfect places to resemble something useful and beautiful.

Cancer helped me relax and understand that I have to let some things go.  I learned to stop and focus my energy on the most important tasks and to stop running around trying to do everything and be everything.  I learned to stop telling myself I should do things.  Before cancer, I would tell myself I should clean the kitchen, do the laundry, vacuum the carpet - these thoughts all occurred while I was resting from busy and long days.  After cancer, I learned to say I could do things.  I could do the dishes, I could do the laundry, I could clean the kitchen or I could rest and continue watching a movie.  Could became a magic word that freed me from expectations.

MS finished off the lessons I was starting to learn because of cancer.  I couldn't do everything.  I was physically too weak.  Not only did I have a difficult time completing tasks, I had to learn to ask for help. I had to learn to sit and watch others help me.  I had to learn to let go a bit more.  MS added another layer to my awareness of my health and to my awareness of overcoming obstacles on a daily basis.  MS won't go away like cancer did.  I had to learn that my new battle would happen every day for the rest of my life.

I hope I am a bit softer after my challenges.  I hope I am a bit more flexible.  I hope parts of me might even be beautiful. 

I don't want more difficulties and trials to come my way, but I am thankful when they do, they will continue to shape me and form me into something amazing as long as I sit back and let them.  The wood, the coal, the ice and the material don't fight and protest when challenges come.  I don't want to fight either.  I want to let the challenges continue to take away the sharp, scratchy and unwanted edges.

Punches and Slugs

What do you do when you fall?

Do you roll around on the ground hoping someone will see you before you finally get up?
Do you hop up like a spring hoping no one will notice you fell?
Do you get up, dust yourself off, figure out why you fell and learn from it?

Even though I've done all three, I hope I have done the last one the most.

Sometimes we like to be noticed.  Sometimes we want others to notice our pain or our fall.  We want to hear their sympathy.  The best example of this is portrayed by young children.  They fall and even if they aren't hurt, they want you to know.  They want you to come running, they want you to hear their cries.  They want to be consoled.  We all have these moments.  We all have moments when we want someone to notice we are on the ground.  We want someone to notice we are hurt.  We aren't too eager to bounce back, the compassion feels nice.

Sometimes we don't want anyone to see us.  We made a mistake, we did something we shouldn't have, we forgot our age for a moment and we fell.  We are embarrassed and are turning red.  We jump up from our landing place regardless of whether we are bleeding or not, look around to see who saw us then pretend nothing happened.  The last thing we want is to be noticed.

Sometimes falls take us by surprise.  We find ourselves down, we are hurt but we didn't do anything to cause the fall, it just happened.  We check our surroundings, we cautiously get back up.  We see what caused the fall and are prepared to watch for it in the future hoping to avoid it if it comes around again.  These falls are often caused by outside sources.  We were paying attention, we weren't looking for attention, we just went down.

I've fallen or been knocked down so many times.  Whichever way I keep getting up, I keep getting up.  It doesn't do any good to stay on the ground.  It doesn't do any good to cry.  It doesn't do any good to sit and wait to be noticed.  The only thing that works for me is to get back up. I hope I learn from the fall.  Sometimes I learn, sometimes it takes many more falls to learn.

Cancer is the equivalent of a punch in the face.  It feels like you are walking down the sidewalk, minding your own business when a stranger punches you in the face and keeps walking.  You didn't do anything to deserve it.  It takes you completely by surprise and there is very little you can do to fix it.  There will never be an answer to why, the stranger has disappeared.  Cancer tried to knock me down.  Each morning I would get back up.  During the day, the weight would get heavy, I would stop trying to carry it and get back up over and over and over.  Today, I still bear the scars of cancer.  I still have daily pain from the treatment.  I don't get to forget the slug to my face, but I also won't forget the strength I discovered.  Because of that slug to my face, If you have cancer, I understand.  I understand if you are sick.  I've been there and I am happy to sit with you whether you are still down or have found the strength to get back up.

At the moment when cancer seemed to be behind me and I was ready to get strong and healthy again, I got another punch.  This time it was to my gut.  I went to bed perfectly healthy and woke up with MS symptoms.  I tried to jump up from this one.  I tried to act like it was no big deal.  The trip to the doctor quickly woke me up.  This was another stranger punching me in the stomach then running off.  I didn't do anything to get MS and I wouldn't be able to make it go away.  The MS roller coaster was more difficult physically than I had expected.  That slug to the stomach did more damage than at first glance.  I was forced to change my diet in order to keep the pain away.  I was forced to change my schedule in order to maintain my energy.  Today, after 3 years, MS doesn't control me the way it did in the beginning, but it left a mark.  My life will always be a bit different and that stranger who slugged me is part of a gang, any one of them could be back at any time to try to take something else.  I can choose to constantly be looking over my shoulder or I can get up and keep walking.

I know you and I get knocked down by something everyday.  Sometimes it is big like MS and cancer, but most of the time it is little like that mean comment or that exhausting schedule.  How do you get back up?  Do you get back up?  How do you shake off the dust and bruises and keep walking?  What pushes you to rise above the pain?  What gives you strength to keep moving?

I hope there are great answers to these questions.  I hope you have faith and friends and fortitude, but above all I hope you find a way to get back up.  Look back at the last time you were knocked down.  Look at what you have done since then.  You are strong and none of these punches to the face and slugs to the gut are going to take you out.