Running Uphill

My job gets very difficult sometimes.  Someone once compared teaching to running uphill on a treadmill at too fast of a speed. . . for 8 hours straight.  That is the best way to describe it.  Teachers aren't just watching their students or demanding they do things.  They have to entertain, inspire, encourage and make children do everything they don't naturally want to do during the course of the day.  Turning your back on your students is like turning your back on the ocean.  You must keep watching, keep moving and keep their attention.

I have been struggling this past week. I didn't struggle doing my job.  I struggled being happy about it.  I wasn't having any fun.  You may think that isn't part of the job description, but if I'm not having fun, neither are the students.  If the students aren't having fun, they won't learn as much.  Not everything is a party, but if the students are excited about what they are doing, they are more willing to want to participate and show off their knowledge. 

Whenever I start to feel this way I know it is time for me to change.  The students don't need to try harder or pay attention more, I have to change.  I have to find a way to have fun.  I have to enjoy myself.  I have to find my path.

Whenever there have been moments when I was grumpy, frustrated with the situation, or forcing people around me to have a stronger will, it was time to change.  When my girls were little, I used to have those moments.  I would be frustrated because I was trying to clean the house or do a project and the girls kept interrupting me with arguing or fighting or they just wanted to be near me.  Once I changed things, once I included them in my work or turned the work into play, the atmosphere changed. 

So this week, as I felt grumpy and overwhelmed, I changed the way I operated.  I let the kids become trains.  I read with a funny voice.  I created inspiration and fun.  I didn't do a lot.  The primary change came with me. 

When there is a problem, look to yourself first.  There are probably many things the other people could change to make the situation better, but you can only control yourself. 

Next time things are rough and you are simply grumpy, look and see what you can do to change the way you see and interact with the situation.  Taking control of ourselves is always the best place to begin.

Busy Doesn't Win

The busiest person doesn't win. 

Having a schedule that won't allow for a few minutes of unplanned moments, doesn't mean that you are productive and successful.  It means you are busy. 

I don't know if I would believe this today without a few things slowing me down a few years ago.  I couldn't work as long as I used to.  I had to focus on myself and my family.  Even if I hadn't figured it out after cancer.  MS came along to make sure I understood that I didn't need to be busy.  I didn't need to say "yes" to everything.

Today, my time is more valuable to me.  My time is protected and guarded against anything that might try to steal it away.  I have to say "no" sometimes.  I have to make choices about what will be best for me.  I have to be sure that what I choose to sacrifice is worth it.

Before we created a gym in our garage we traveled to exercise.  We rose at 4 am to have some time for coffee, get to the gym, get ready for work and get to work on time.  During that time, I sacrificed a little sleep for fitness.  It was always worth it to me.  Exercising brought more benefits than the hour of sleep would have given me.  I knew, because on the days I decided to skip going, I actually felt worse.
I don't have to sacrifice that time anymore.  I can go in my garage, do a workout anytime I want. 

I choose not to do extra activities on a regular basis.  It takes time from my family.  My girls are growing up faster than the flap of a hummingbird's wings, I'm not going to over-schedule myself while they are still home.  When they go off to college, I may take on other activities, but not now. 

There is no reason to be busy for the sake of being busy.  There is no reason to be proud of having activities every night of the week.  What do those activities make you sacrifice?  What do you have to give up for your busy schedule?

Some schedules are exactly what we would like them to be.  Some schedules are designed to distract us from our lives.  Busy isn't always better.

Encouraging You to Fall

When our children begin to reach walking age, we encourage them to try walking.  We hold their hands and help them stand, we walk with them.  We cheer them on even though we know their first steps will also mean they will fall.

When it is time for our kids to ride a bike, we encourage them, help them and know that not every journey on their bike will be perfect.  They may fall.  They may even get hurt.  We teach them and cheer them on anyway.

When it is time for teenagers to learn to drive, we encourage them.  We teach them the procedures and tricks, we let them practice.  We know that not every driving experience will be perfect.  They will make mistakes or be near someone else who makes mistakes.  Yet, we teach and practice with them anyway.

For all the milestones in our lives, we are willing to try new things knowing we may fall, get hurt or make terrible mistakes.  That possibility doesn't stop us from trying.

Yet, it does.

There are many more opportunities we have in life to try new things, accomplish new goals, and reach new milestones.  How many of those did you avoid because you were scared to fall?  How many dreams are sitting in a box because you are afraid to risk, afraid to make a  mistake, afraid to fail?

We know that little ones will fall when they try to learn walking.  We also know that they will get up, keep trying and eventually succeed.  We know that kids will wobble on their bikes, they may fall, but they will get up and be soaring through the neighborhood before we know it.  We know teenagers will make mistakes driving, they may even hit a tree or two, but they will learn from their mistakes and be better drivers.  

We need to take this knowledge and apply it to the things we aren't so confident about. Trying and falling, attempting and failing is always better than not trying at all.  

The worst that can happen when we go for our dreams is that we might not get them right away, but at least we tried.  Perhaps after we try for our dreams, we learn something new and on the second attempt we get a bit closer.

So here I am, holding your hand, encouraging you to keep walking.  You will probably fall, but after that you will walk then you will run.  The next thing you know you will be encouraging someone else to do the same.  It's okay to fall, it is not okay to not try.

Work of a Different Kind

I've been writing a lot about health.  I would say it's been on my mind a lot lately, but actually health is always on my mind.  It is sometimes at the forefront and sometimes just behind whatever has made it to the forefront. 

I wish and hope that you would be thankful for any and every little bit of health you have.  Lately, I've been able to do mini work outs.  They aren't mini to me, but they might be to someone else.  I can move.  I am purposeful and a bit slow, but I can move.  It has been 8 weeks since I had back surgery.  I have been diligently working every day to do whatever the therapist will allow me to do.

During the last few weeks I've been getting tired of working so hard.  Before back surgery I would exercise hard 3 times a week, then take the other days to recover.  During my rehabilitation I can't take any days off.  I need to do some movement, some stretching, some muscle building every day, sometimes twice a day.  I've had days where I don't want to keep trying so hard.  In my mind I know that I will get healthier faster if I keep up the battle and keep moving, but my body wants to stop moving.  I'm tired and weary and I don't want to spend time focusing on exercise.

It is in these moments that I am reminded that health takes work.  It doesn't come because you were born with good genes or because you used to be active.  You have to keep moving.  You have to keep making wise choices and make yourself get off the couch even if everything hurts, even if you are ready to sleep.  The fact you worked yesterday, doesn't mean anything for today.  You still have to own today.

Don't be in awe of my work ethic.  I would like to quit.  I would like to be still and rest.  Then I remember that if I stay still, my joints will get stiff, my muscles will atrophy and I will feel miserable.  Despite what I want to do now, I choose to get up because I am looking to the future.

When I was in college and 20, a classmate came by my apartment to give me something.  She was wearing exercise clothes.  I was surprised that she exercised.  Then I realized that I had thought she was skinny and fit naturally, without any effort on her part.  It had never occurred to me that she worked at it.  I wasn't used to the exercise culture back then.  I didn't see fit people and think they worked hard, I just saw they were fit and wished I could be more like them.  It never crossed my mind that I could be like them if I chose to invest some time and energy.

Health takes work.  It takes work to be flexible, strong and able to move.  It takes work to choose foods that fuel you and don't slow you down.

When you see me and think that I'm lucky because I seem healthy or fit or whatever you see.  Remember that I work at it.  I actually put in the work and I remind myself that I have to keep moving, especially on the days when that is the last thing I want to do.  I would like to quit, but I do not want the results of quitting, so I work to be healthy.

Ribbons

Just a little over a year ago I began this blog.  At the time, I figured that my journey through cancer and MS might help a few people with their own journeys.  Each day I am thankful for each person who is willing to read about my journey.

I named this blog Colored Ribbons because I have acquired different colored ribbons throughout my journey.  Breast cancer brought the pink ribbon and MS brought the orange ribbon.  There are plenty of other colors of ribbons that mark our lives and plenty of different types of ribbons.

We use ribbons in little girls hair.  Some of those ribbons are saved for special occasions when little girls get to dress like princesses.  Sometimes they wear ribbons simply because they want to be pretty. 

Ribbons tie up packages.  I love giving gifts with pretty ribbons.  It's especially fun if the ribbon is a different color than the paper.  When it comes to gifts, more color is better.

We hang yellow ribbons to remember our military.  Red ribbons represent the drug free challenge schools take on each year.  Green and purple represent more cancers and childhood illnesses and depression.  Black ribbons remind us of who we've lost.  White ribbons represent innocence and peace, but they also represent violence against the innocent.

Blue ribbons represent first place. 

All the other colors remind us of pain and disease.  We see the color or we see the ribbon and we remember.  October is full of pink to remind everyone of breast cancer.  Yellow ribbons on trees remind us that our military steadily fight for our freedoms no matter the consequences to them.

Blue ribbons mean you win!

Today, as I reflect on my year filled with more challenges than I had before I began this blog, I see just as many victories.  Every challenge is meant to give us another opportunity for a blue ribbon.

So today, whatever your ribbon color - and believe it or not we all have at least one - keep moving towards the blue ribbon.  You can hang the ribbons on the mantle, line up all the colors and amidst the memories, hardships, sadness and pain, there is always a blue ribbon reminding you that you are a champion in your own life.

PR Everyday!

A PR in CrossFit is a Personal Record.  The record can range from anything between a heavy lift, a fast time or being able to do something you couldn't do before.  The idea is that you beat your own record.  You lifted a heavier weight, you ran a faster mile, or completed your first hand stand.  Whatever it is, it is your record, not someone else's you are beating.

In the beginning of November I couldn't walk, sit or stand without pain.  After back surgery at the end of that same month, I had daily personal records.  Each day I walked a bit farther so my distance was a PR.  I walked faster so my speed was a PR.  I was able to tie my own shoes, sit in a chair, drive, clean out the dishwasher, ride a bike, carry my own bag.  The records went on and on.  I celebrated each PR no matter how small.  Recently I was able to sit in one of our chairs that used to cause me great pain, that was a PR.  I rode faster and farther on the bike than the last time I rode it, PR! And I did it with ease which in itself is a PR.

I will have many more PR's in the next few months.  I look forward to the day I can run again and do a workout with my family.  Right now I can do partial things, but soon I will be able to do the whole thing.  Instead of rowing with my arms only, I will be able to row with my arms and my legs.

Once I make it through this season, the PR's may not come daily anymore. I may have to work for them again and celebrate them once a month or once every few months.

I love the idea of daily reaching for PR's.  It means I am daily trying to become better.  So what if you can only walk a few hundred yards?  If you walk a few hundred and one tomorrow you just had a PR.  You beat your old record.  Perhaps you can't touch your toes today, but next month you can, that's a PR.  You beat your record again!  It doesn't matter what it is, when you improve upon yourself you have hit a PR.

The other part of PR that I like is the personal part.  You are not trying to beat your friend's record, your neighbor's record or that stranger's record you saw on TV.  You are only focused on yourself.

PR's are essentially what life is about, not just our physical fitness, but our whole self.  Each day, we should be looking to beat our old record: have the better day, complete our work with the best attitude, and get better results than last time.   We are seeking to get a PR by daily doing whatever we can to better ourselves each day and to avoid comparing ourselves to other people's records.  Our job has never been to beat other's peoples records, only our own.  When we focus on ourselves and our own PR's we shine and win every time.

Next time you reach a goal or make a new personal record, think PR and celebrate!

Tired or Thankful

Many of the entries I've made in my 31 notebooks include the words, I'm tired, I'm weary or I'm exhausted.  Those words are often found at the beginning.  Of course, I often wrote first thing in the morning.  It is common for the first thought when getting out of bed to be "I'm tired." 

There were months after my youngest was born that I was tired.  I was tired before she was born while 9 months pregnant.  I was tired during cancer, during the early days of MS, and during my journey to get my master's degree.  I've always been tired while teaching.  It seems that tired was a part of most days even if there weren't extra things going on.

When we are tired, we have to try harder to be patient, kind, energetic, and motivated.  We have to ignore the reactive impulses and make ourselves behave.

Most of the time I have difficulty focusing and finding words when I'm tired.  This happened long before MS.

This information leads me to believe that I may spend more days tired than not.  It's possible that if I am honest with myself, I am usually tired.  If I am tired that often then tired is not an excuse for poor behavior.  Tired is not a reason to stop moving or to stop caring.  If it were, I wouldn't do anything. 

Tired comes in many forms.  Sometimes it is simply a lack of sleep.  I had one of those weeks a few weeks ago.  It didn't matter what I did, I couldn't get more than 5 hours of sleep each night.

Sometimes tired is a weariness in the battle.  A weariness in dealing with the same problems, the same situations.  As a teacher I get tired of repeating myself. 

Sometimes tired is a spiritual thing.  Our spirits get weary from fighting to stand tall, fighting to be encouraging, fighting to be hopeful.

What is the point in talking about being tired?  Since it isn't a state that goes away quickly and it is something that likes to stick around and show its face as often as it can, we have to deal with it.  We have to determine if there is an action we can take to reduce the tired like sleep or rest or if the tired is here and won't go away until the season passes.  Babies start sleeping through the night, graduation comes, bodies heal, the seasons pass and we sleep again.

Whether we can act to get rest or we simply have to wait, we have to make choices to keep ourselves sane and healthy until the tired leaves us.  We have to eat foods that feed our bodies, move our muscles to stay strong and find hope to carry us through. 

Many times, a visit or a phone call from a friend wakes me up.  I want to be present.  I want to be with my friend.  I want to hear about her week.  I want to be a part of her day.  I can put my weariness aside for those moments.  When my girls were little, the tired would subside as I poured myself into them.  It wasn't until I sat down that I felt tired again. 

Whenever we were at my grandma's house she would be moving and serving each moment.  She was working in the garden, she was cooking dinner, she was going for walks, she rarely sat.  We used to scold her for being busy and we ordered her to sit down.  I don't know for sure, but it could be she kept moving to keep the tired away.  Sitting down might mean falling asleep.

I'm sorry for all the tired days you feel.  I'm sorry you have to go to work, I'm sorry you have to take care of your kids, I'm sorry you have to keep moving while your tired.

So today, my words were not "I'm tired."  They were "I'm thankful."  I'm thankful it is Friday.  I'm thankful this was a 4 day week.  I'm thankful for my job.  I'm thankful I am creative and can find ways to make my day easier.  I'm thankful.

On the toughest days, in the toughest moments I will be thankful even though I am tired.

Grace to Stay or Go

Someone once said to me, "You no longer have the grace to do that."

I had been working at Red Robin for over three and a half years.  I was almost 30, had two girls at home and was working there to make a little extra money to help pay the bills.  It had been an amazing job.  I loved it in the beginning.  I loved seeing people and serving them.  I was very good at my job. 

Just before it was time for me to begin teaching again I found I didn't like the job anymore.  I didn't have patience for customers that treated me like I was worthless simply because I was their waitress.  I couldn't handle the tiny tips or no tips.  I got weary trying to encourage the new hires to do their job fully.  I simply didn't like it anymore.

I was telling a dear friend about this and she said, "You don't have the grace for that job anymore." 

Those words took the heavy load off my shoulders.  I didn't have to worry about how the job had become more difficult and that I struggled with my attitude.  I didn't have the grace to take it like I had before.  My eyes were opened.

It was time for me to move.  It was time for me to find a different job.  I didn't have to stress or worry or feel badly.  I knew it was time to begin a new season.

Over the years, this has happened again and again.  I've learned to recognize that my restlessness, unhappiness, frustrations, and impatience can sometimes be a signal that it is time to move on to something else.  The grace is gone. 

Be careful.  Difficult doesn't mean an absence of grace.  There are many difficult things that I take on each day knowing that they are mine.  I have the grace, the desire and the ability to take them on. 

I am thankful that we are given grace to handle all that comes our way.  Sometimes, when we feel that the situation is about to take us out, we need to wonder if the grace is gone and it is time to move on to what we do have grace for.

One Choice, Then Another

I've known people who are going through the toughest of times and I often can't imagine how they are dealing with their trial. 

I've learned they proceed one choice at a time.

When the alarm goes off in the morning we have a choice.  We can stay in bed or get out of bed.  We can choose to get dressed or stay in our pajamas.  We can choose to eat at mealtimes or go hungry.  We can choose to go to work or call in sick.  We can choose to talk to people or stay silent.  We can choose to walk the dog, do the laundry, wash the car, put away the dishes, brush our teeth, and participate in life or not.

People who go through great trials are no more heroic than you.  When you see them at the store, don't be amazed.  They simply chose to go grocery shopping. 

Anyone can make a choice.  Anyone can sit on the couch and choose to get up and go for a walk outside or put their dishes away or read a book or call a friend.

The most difficult thing to deal with during the tough days is not living life, it is the mental battle that goes with the trial.  No one can see the mental battle.  No one can see the fight to remain positive and keep the tears and fears at bay.  It takes an enormous amount of energy to maintain hope, to maintain sanity and to maintain peace.

Next time you are going through a trial or having a difficult day, rejoice in the choices you get to make.  One choice at a time will get you through the day. 

Next time you see someone who is going through a great trial making daily choices, remember they have a great burden on their heart and those choices help them feel normal, give them something to do and give them small victories each day.

Thankfully, each day is full of choices we can make.  We don't need the answers for the next week, the next month, the next year or even the next hour.  We don't need to be able to explain the "whys" and "why nots" that pass through our minds.  We only need to make one choice at a time. 

Journey

Everyone is on a journey. 

Everyone has a path to travel, a road to traverse, a trail to follow.  

Everyone's journey is their own.  

Everyone's journey shapes who they are and who they become.

We make the mistake of comparing our journey to another's.  We forget that we all begin in different places.  We all end in different places, and we all travel our own roads and take our own turns along the way.  We are blessed when our own journey meets up with others'.  When the road we are traveling is the same road as the precious people who become our dear friends or people who influence our lives or encourage us, we are truly blessed.

Remember that your journey has provided powerful and meaningful lessons for you.  While you were learning these lessons, those around you were learning their own.  You can never expect that everyone you meet has learned what you have learned.  Remember to show them some grace.  Your journey took you to the town where your eyes were opened.  Their journey may not have taken them there yet, it may never take them there.

While you are traveling down your road, don't expect that people will understand your view.  You probably won't understand other's views of their special road either. Your job is to understand your road, your journey, and to pour yourself into seeing everything the road has to offer.  

It makes me sad when people compare their road to mine and they think they can't tell me about the rocky, rough journey because they don't think it is as difficult as my own journey.  They forget that I will understand better than anyone.  I will understand not feeling well.  I will understand not feeling like yourself.  I will understand the frustrations in not being able to do things you could once do.  My journey doesn't make me judge you, it helps me understand you.

I love sharing journey stories with my friends.  Sometimes I can learn from them and can avoid some of the more difficult roads by listening to their story.  I hope that my journey story helps others also.

A Little Bit

I was thrilled last week when I was able to begin physical therapy.  Pre-sciatic nerve/leg pain/surgery I was very active.  I had the ability to run, row, ride a bike, lift heavy weights, perform Olympic lifts, and combine those things together.  I was able to squat, lunge, and jump.  I could do a handstand by a wall, climb a short rope and I could almost do a pull up.

The sciatic nerve pain 2 months ago removed all my ability to move.  Surgery helped me regain me the ability to move again, but I had to start all over.  First, the doctors gave me permission to walk.  I took that very seriously.  I walked as far as I could, striving to go farther and faster everyday.  I walked a few short walks.  My first mile took me almost 30 minutes.  I kept track of my distance and speed and consciously worked to go farther or faster.  Now I can walk a mile in 20 minutes.

The moment I was given permission to ride a bike.  I got on it.  I rode a little farther every time.  Once I had the ability to ride for an extended period of time, I started going faster.  I pushed myself to go take the second mile faster than the first.

Physical therapy began.  Everything the Physical Therapist tells me to do I do.  He suggests I do the exercises 1-2 times a day.  I do them 2 times.  I don't do them 3 times because over work can be as detrimental as not doing enough.  I want to be able to function the way I used to again.  I don't want any limitations.  The only way I know to get to that place is to work hard everyday, to be diligent and to be faithful with the small things I can do.  If I am faithful I can gain all my strength and mobility back.  I will probably move better than before when this is finished because I will be certain that I move correctly so I don't injure myself.

There are people out there who have the physical ability to walk, yet they are unhealthy.  They choose not to walk.  They choose to remain unhealthy even though they have the muscles and mobility to move their legs.  I didn't have that ability.  I couldn't walk without pain causing tears.  This pain came under the influence of prescription drugs.  I can't imagine the pain without the numbing assistance of those pain killers.

Please be thankful for what you can do and don't take it for granted.  The ability to move is precious.  The ability to function throughout a day without needing to ask for assistance to pick up a fork you dropped or have someone tie your shoes for you is more valuable than gems.  One day I tried to throw something away.  I missed the trash can and ended up staring at the trash.  First, I told myself not to pick it up.  Then I realized it would have to stay on the floor until someone came around to pick it up for me.  Imagine the frustration as you stand and stare at a tiny piece of paper that you would normally pick up and throw away.  You are forced to leave it in it's place not because you are in a hurry, but because you physically can't bend down to get it.

I experienced this loss.  I had my ability to move taken away.  Now I must work to get all of it back.  I am okay with this.  I am okay with work.  I know that I will have the ability to move again.  I know I will be stronger, more flexible and healthier than I was before.  I knew in the midst of the pain that none of what I was going through would last forever.  Not everyone has to go through a great loss to appreciate what they have.  Not everyone has to feel pain to appreciate a day without it.

No one knows what tomorrow brings.  Enjoy, celebrate, appreciate the gifts of today.  They are not promised tomorrow.

Destination

When I was in my early twenties I asked for wisdom at a much younger age that people usually get in their sixties, after a lifetime of living.

Yes, you are thinking the correct words.  Be careful what you ask for.

I used to have to remind myself about the things I was learning on a daily basis.  I had to encourage myself to be gracious with myself, trust my Daddy for help, and learn what it looked like to be me. 

Each day I had little talks with myself, I know this because those many talks are recorded on paper for me to read today.  I read encouraging and inspirational books full of wisdom and life lessons from older, wiser people.  I wrote about those words.  I remembered those words.  I repeated those words each day, each moment always trying to achieve that vision I saw for myself.

I don't know when it happened.  It probably didn't happen in a day, but I don't have to remind myself of those things each day anymore.  I breath them.  I go to them like a habit.  The world starts to crash around me and I am immediately trusting my Daddy to fix it or take care of me.  I don't need to plead each day.  I don't need to remind myself to trust.  I simply trust.  I don't always like what I see, but I trust it will be okay.

I'm not perfect.  I have other new lessons I try to learn each moment now, but those old ones have become part of me.  I hadn't realized this happened.  I hadn't realized how much I had grown mentally and emotionally. 

The best comparison I can think of is a new relationship.  At the beginning you call each other every day, sometimes multiple times.  You can't wait to see each other.  Absence for a few hours feels like an eternity.  After 20 years pass a small look is all you need.  Separation doesn't feel like separation.  You are together even when you aren't.  You breathe in the relationship and even though you are aware of it and continue to make it the best you can, you don't have to give your conscious attention each moment because each moment you are there.  You are in that magical place where you can be and exist and know what is true and amazing.

After all of that, the encouragement is to keep up the journey.  I don't want to call it a fight.  It isn't always a fight.  It is always a journey.  It is a journey with all the ups and downs of a good journey.  Know that the destination will come and it will be amazing.

Stand Up to Distractions

My oldest daughter loves to share stories of her day.  I can always tell when she thinks I am distracted because she will repeat herself multiple times.  She didn't repeat the gist of the story, but the three words she was saying while my eyes on were on something else. She didn't repeat them once, but multiple times as she patiently waited for me to return.

I often think I can reply to that text and listen to her at the same time, but she knows she doesn't have my entire attention and will repeat herself like a broken record until I stop and take away the distractions which are keeping me from truly hearing her.

When I am sick or overly stressed I love distractions to take my mind away from reality.  I don't want to feel sick so a good movie can take me away for a moment.  If I'm feeling overwhelmed, the numbing monotony of a solitaire game can give my tense nerves a break.

I know these distractions don't solve anything.  I know I have to enter reality again and face whatever is before me, but they are a nice reprieve.

I've also learned that distractions can keep me from understanding what is going on around me.  I might miss subtle cues from my daughters pleading to tell me they need something from me.  I might miss hidden emotions coming from my husband informing me he needs a special kind of ear or a special word.  More importantly I might miss something I need for myself.

Distractions can keep my mind from seeing areas where I am not myself, where I have let a necessary need go unmet and now I am feeling off my kilter.  Distractions can keep me from making choices necessary for my health physically.  Time can snake away until I neglect the time needed to be strong and healthy.  Distractions can take away the mindfulness of life essential for growth and moments of graceful soaring to my highest potential.  Distractions are the thieves that deceive us until they have sucked the true life out of us.

Our world is full of distractions upon distractions.  We have to fight against cultural norms to find a few minutes distraction free.  We have to numb our minds to the many advertisements and the noises calling our attention away.

I want to encourage you to find a place and a time where you can hear and see clearly.  Find a space where the distractions can't take you away, where you can know who you are, who you are created to be and gain the power to stand for that person no matter what.

Not Just Half

A long time ago my husband was a youth pastor.  I was informed I, a pastor's wife, couldn't share all my weaknesses with other women in the church.  I had to be a model of strength and be a person who was doing well all the time.  I couldn't share my burdens with anyone.  I didn't have a close enough relationship with the other's pastor's wives that I thought of them as confidants or friends so I became alone.  If I had an issue, I had to figure it out.  I couldn't share my need or request.  I simply had to be strong and work through it.  I did.  I went through a lot of trials in those years all on my own.

Later, I discovered that was wrong.  I actually should have been real with those around me.  I should have showed my weariness at being a young mother.  I should have shared my concerns about finances.  I should have sought sound advice from those wiser than me, but I didn't.  I revealed only half of myself.

Throughout our lives we meet very different people.  We meet people we are kind to and see regularly, but we may not know them deeply or allow them to know us.  We meet people we invest our energy and time in then the seasons of life take them away.  They are still dear to us, but we don't get to see them as often.  We also meet people who become our dearest friends.  We trust them with our weaknesses.  We trust them with bad days and good days.  We know it is okay to look foolish in front of them and they will not lie to us.

I have so many of these different friends in my life now.  I'm thankful for them all.  I'm thankful that whether they know some or all of me I am real with them.  I'm thankful I will never feel quite as alone as I did back then.

Just as it is okay to not be okay.  It is okay to share that not-okayness with others.  It is okay to share your weaknesses.  It is okay to let others be strong for you.  It is wonderful to find dear friends who care about you and know you and let you be all of you.

No one should feel they have to put on a show or pretend to be perfect or to be together for others.  Your only responsibility is to be you, all of you.

Over and Over

Words from 2004

God is always doing things in our lives that seem wrong to us.  God is absolutely perfect.  He doesn't make mistakes.  He knows us better than we know ourselves.  We can and need to fully trust Him.  He has our best interests at heart.

Essentially these words were written in some form every day for weeks on end during this time in my life.  I was trying to learn to trust God with my worries, concerns, needs and wants.  In order to know and believe this truth I had to tell it to myself every day.  Every day I recorded my concerns and every day I submitted and proclaimed that God was worthy of my trust and I knew He would do whatever was best for me.

As I read those old words I heard the frustration in my words.  I feel the hopelessness I daily fought against.  Things were not as I wanted them to be.  I was not who I wanted to be.  I was only 27 and still learning how to be myself.  I love the fact that as I looked at parts of my life and found I wasn't completely content, I accepted the situation as it was, but gave it to God to help me deal with it or to change it.

These words were a great reminder to me; when a change is happening in my life it is always a process.  I don't become the person I want to be in a day, a week or a year.  It is a moment by moment, day by day, breath by breath process of which I must daily remind myself. 

During those months so many years ago, I daily told myself that I didn't need to worry because God had me.  He would take care of my concerns.  I told myself those words every day.  I imagine that I had to remind myself throughout the day any time the worry or need to control the situation tried to come up.

The wonderful thing about God, our Daddy, is that he never sighs as we repeat the same plea over and over.  He hears us, encourages us, and knows we'll repeat ourselves in just a few minutes.  He also knows that one day we will learn to fully trust Him with our issues then we will be ready to learn the next thing. 

Make-up and Hair Dye

I've always been a person who prefers natural over anything else.  When I was preteen I proclaimed that I would never color or perm my hair and that I would always keep it long.  At one point it reached my waist.

That proclamation didn't last long.  I got a perm at 13 and began getting highlights and coloring my hair after my daughter was born.  I went grey very early and I thought I might cover it up.  Around that same time I began cutting it shorter and shorter each year.  For many years my hair has been above my shoulders.

I wear minimal make-up.  If I can get away with nothing extra on my face, I will.  If I choose to wear make-up it is usually on my eyes only.  I had terrible acne as a teenager and I think I've always been a little leery about putting a lot of extra products on my face.

After a few attempts at dying my own hair I had to stop.  I couldn't afford it and whenever I tried to do it myself it was uneven and usually the wrong color.  I decided to give up on coloring and let myself be grey.  As a result, I've gotten numerous compliments on my hair color which is a blend of brown, auburn, white and grey.  As the years progress there is more of the latter two colors than the former.  I wouldn't change my hair color now.  It is easy and it is mine.  All those alternate hair colors are pretty, but my color is my own and I don't have to worry about roots growing out. 

My point in sharing this is that we are all created to be exactly who we are.  Adding changes to our body with cosmetics, dyes or surgery should be because we enjoy those things or have broken something not because we are trying to hide who we are or trying to keep people from seeing us as we really are.

When I was my naive younger self I thought if God had wanted me to have curly hair or different colored hair, he would have given it to me.  He gave me what He thought was best for me.  I still believe that.  I am created the way God wanted.  He is not surprised by what time or surgeries or sicknesses have done to my body.  I don't need to hide my true self behind products that promise to fix me.  I can use them because I choose and I like how they accent my eyes or make my hair soft, but I will never use them to hide myself.

As you choose to adorn yourself remember that you are beautifully and wonderfully made.  Do not try to hide what God created.  Adorn yourself, highlight your strengths, but do not hide.

From 3 to 4

In 2004, two months before my youngest was born my oldest, who was almost 3, started a new pattern of waking up early and coming to snuggle with me while I was still in bed.  In the beginning I would sigh a little inside.  Her early rising meant extra work to find time for a shower and the million other things I tried to do before she woke up. 

Just as quickly as the sigh came another thought came to my mind, I don't have very many more chances to do this.  My youngest was born jut two months after this date.  I realized that these special moments spent snuggling and being quiet together would soon disappear as a new baby, one that liked to scream all the time, entered our lives. 

I realized our little family of 3 was soon going to be a family of 4.  I was going to be able to talk about my two daughters as my girls.  Everything would be different and I only had a few short months to enjoy what I had before a new definition of our family was reality.

This is just one example of how we often rush away our present because we think the future brings greater things.  Of course I was excited to have my second daughter, but if I focused on that only, I would miss the moments leading up to it. 

Be careful not to miss the precious quiet moments while you are waiting for the big change.

Time

One of my favorite things about my youngest daughter is that she likes to spend time with me.  She doesn't need anything extravagant or expensive, just time.  We can walk together.  We can play multiple games, work on a puzzle or play in the garden.  She is happiest when we are together and she is good about telling me.  When I make time just for her she couldn't be more thankful.

When those moments come she reminds me of my the time I spent with her.  Once I got my driver's license I made a point to visit with her at least every other week.  We played Skip Bo and ate Almond Roca.  She didn't remember how to play the game form one week to the next, but she played anyway just to spend time with me. 

She often told me she didn't want any gifts from me, my visit was all she wanted.  She cherished every moment I was with her, was thankful that I took time to sit and have coffee with her.  She told me how much she appreciated it over and over.  I knew with certainty that a phone call could make her day because she told me, so I called.  I visited and I made time for her.

When she died I didn't regret anything.  I knew that I gave my grandma the most valuable gift I could ever giver her, time.  I gave her as much time as I could.  I never tried to substitute money for time, I simply showed up.

Christmas has ended and the gifts have been given.  Eventually the sweater will go out of style.  The shoes will wear out.  The technology will be obsolete.  The time spent will never be lost or forgotten.  The days spent in one another's presence will never fade or go out of style.  I don't always have to see loved ones on specific holidays because the time I am with them is a special day even if it doesn't say so on the calendar.