Pink Story: Hear my Soul

On November 2nd some dear friends came to visit.  We hadn’t visited with them since this journey began. After sharing some simple food and catching up on some events of the past few months, I found myself sharing everything. I shared the freeway analogy and my aspirations to be strong and powerful like a wolf.  

My trust in my friend was revealed in the fact that I was willing to share my soul. She was blown away by my writing and considered that perhaps writing would help her with all she’s going through. I was blessed by their visit. I can still see her eyes as she hears every word I say.  I don’t have to rush to the end of my story.  I don’t have to shorten it.  She completely listened and heard my soul. These kinds of friends are as precious as gems.

Sponge-like Souls

Today I was using a sponge to do some deep cleaning.  I started out with clean soapy water.  As the once soapy water began turning brown so did the water that came from the sponge when I squeezed it.

The only thing that will come out of my sponge is what it has already absorbed.  As much as I would like clean soapy water to come from my sponge, I will only get the type of water that the sponge absorbed from the sink. If I put the sponge in milk, milk will come out when I squeeze it. There is no mystery, whatever went in will come out during the squeezing.

It works the same with us.  Whatever we are filled with is what will come oozing out when we are squeezed. We may wish that the pressures of life will bring out strength and peace and wisdom.  These things only come out of us if we spent time soaking them up before we were squeezed.  We can't determine what oozes from us.  We can only determine what goes in.  What do we fill our hearts and minds with while things are good.  While we are at peace and able to rest, what do we absorb in our sponge-like souls?  What we absorb will always be what comes out.  During times of peace we need to allow ourselves to sit in the clean water, the peaceful moments and soak in wisdom.  When the squeezing comes, everyone will see what we spent time absorbing.  The truth of what we are made of will ooze out and reveal our souls.

Pink Story: Equipped

“I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will equip you for the journey (Jesus Calling).”

This quote comes from Psalm 118.  The rest of it praises God for everything He is and everything He has done.  So many times on our journeys we want to know what will happen.  How will everything get worked out?  What job will I have?  Who will I marry?  What will my kids be like?  Will I ever get out of debt?  Can this relationship be mended?  The questions don’t stop.  I am thankful many times that God doesn’t show me what will happen.  I would probably protest or try to help Him.  I am thankful He has given me every tool to be victorious for whatever is in store for me.  The future is still full of many questions, but I am equipped.

Rainbows

From a very early age, most children get excited about seeing a rainbow.  I remember drawing rainbows in many of my elementary school pictures.  We think of hope when we see a rainbow.  We feel encouraged.  It is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.  It reminds us of the possible treasure that may be hidden at the end.The rainbow comes after the storm to encourage us that the storm won't last forever.

As a science teacher, I know that in order to have a rainbow you need water and sunlight.  With that knowledge, I am immediately swiveling my head like a Lazy Susan to find the rainbow as soon as I see the sun peek out beyond the rain-filled clouds.

I had that opportunity the other day.  My oldest and I were driving home in the car.  The clouds above us were as dark as night and had begun pelting us with torrential rain and hail.  We could see the blue sky.  It was almost above us!  We were anticipating the halting of the rain any second.  My head began it's swivel. There had to be a rainbow somewhere.  With this much water falling through through the atmosphere and and the bright sun almost blinding me, I could guarantee the presence of a rainbow. I found it.  It was behind me.  It was vivid and arched perfectly.  I recognized it.  Then I noticed something I hadn't before.  The rainbow's backdrop was the dark clouds.

A rainbow requires water and sunlight, but you will find the rainbow in the darkness.  The rainbows don't show themselves amid the blue sky like all children draw in their kindergarten pictures.  Rainbows are framed by the storm clouds, the darkness, the gloominess.  How perfect!  We would probably not enjoy the rainbow quite so much if it was situated in the perfect blue sky.  We celebrate it and point to it when it shines amidst the storm.

If we avoid the storm, we avoid the rainbow.  If we avoid the darkness, we miss the beauty.  If we avoid the pain, we miss the hope and joy and light that can only come from it.

Pink Story: November 1st

November 1st finally came.  November 1st is one of my favorite days of the year because after a month of scary Halloween decorations and conversations, the Halloween holiday time is finally over. The month of October makes everyone think Halloween.  It permeates the television ads and shows. It fills the aisles in the stores. I don’t mind the little kids dressing up in cute costumes for candy.  I simply can’t stand all the spooky things.  I get it, but I don’t like it.  

Every year we have a parade of costumes at the school where students can walk down the hall and show off their costumes to each other.  I love the cute, creative ones.  There is not a lot of creativity in the scary ones.  The commercials advertising scary movies and the crazy decorations that people put up does not bring me joy so when November 1st comes, I take a breath and am happy to begin thinking of Thanksgiving and Christmas instead of the horrible Halloween.

These last five years I have enjoyed Halloween night when the local kids come trick or treating.  Since I teach at the school near our neighborhood, all former, future and past students come to my door. It's a treat for me when they are shocked to see a familiar face.  I love the squeals of greeting when I surprise them.  They didn't expect to see their teacher at the door. Those shocked faces beat the scary ones every time.

This has little to do with my journey over the last two months except that the date alone brings me peace. I get to enjoy the beginning of a season where most people try to be more positive than at other times of the year. This month also brings the next steps in my journey.

Victorious Voice

I hadn't realized that it took 2 months to begin believing the words I was telling myself during the beginning of my breast cancer diagnosis.  Those 2 months ended over 4 years ago.  There have been many days since when I still have to control my thoughts.

I have to daily feed myself positive thoughts about who I am, encouragement about what I can do, hopes about the future and belief that none of the things that come at me in this life will take me down.

I remind myself that I am healthy.  Being 40 with a health history doesn't stop me from accomplishing major physical tasks like moving heavy weights and running distances.  I remind myself of my wonderful family.  I am eternally blessed to have my girls and my husband.  My girls have character beyond what I ever dreamed or hoped for them.  My husband is the model of support and stability.  I remind myself of what I have already accomplished.  Once I graduate with my master's degree, I will have completed 20 years of schooling, for 7 years of that time I was an adult with responsibilities.  I remind myself I've already gone through the trials of breast cancer, dealt with surprise physical limitations, some of which won't leave me.  I remind myself of my goals and hopes.  I remind myself of which goals I've accomplished and which ones I still need to complete.

If I want to be victorious, I have to keep the thoughts of weakness, inability, lack and weariness away.  They will always be there, but their voice should never be louder than the victorious voice.  Even if it takes a battle, the voice of victory over trials and hardships in life must prevail. Then we will prevail.

Pink Story: Making Habits

People say that you must do something over and over again until it's real.  It could be a new habit you are trying to acquire, a belief you are trying to have, or a job you are trying to learn.  It is in the repetition that you begin to master whatever you want to master.

On October 30th, after days of the emotional roller coaster I awoke feeling better than I had felt in days.  I felt at peace and ready to take on whatever the day held.  The next day I leaned in to my Daddy the way I have for years.  Whenever something had come along that was difficult or stressful or scary I would lean on Him knowing that He had it taken care of.  He wasn’t surprised by anything happening in my life.  He wasn't stumped at what to do.  He loved me and whatever terrible thing was trying to take me out He would help me through it.  

For a few days I felt strong because, for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t trying to hold myself up. It seems that it takes many days of telling yourself that something is true before you actually believe it and act on it.  I was feeling like all those things I had been telling myself for the past month about faith and hope and strength were actually a reality in me and I didn't have to fight so hard to believe them or convince myself of them.

Spring

It snowed a couple of Fridays ago.  It was April 14th.  It only snows in this area that late in the year once or twice in a lifetime.  The snow didn't act like a funny spring snow where it comes, everyone looks outside and proclaims, "It's snowing!" then 30 minutes later it is gone.  It snowed big, wind blown flakes for hours. Except for the date on the calendar, one would have thought it was January.

Prior to the unexpected snow, I had been watching the trees for any new buds or leaves.  The trees stayed bare.  These past two weeks, the trees seemed to come alive suddenly.  The leaves and buds sprouted as quickly as cartoon trees in princess movies.  One day, the trees were twigs and the flowers were only green stems reaching out of the ground.  The next day, the trees were filled with tiny green leaves that came from their hibernation and the green stems had full grown flowers.  Life had returned.

In reality, the life never left.  It lay dormant waiting for the winter to pass.  It simply waited.  The leaves and flowers didn't worry about whether or not the winter would pass, they simply waited and sprang out when the time was right.  They burst forth with life and brought joy to everyone and everything.  They faithfully returned after their winter rest.

Rest in the winter knowing that the spring will come and bring joy and peace and beauty.  It may seem afar off, but it will sneak up on you.  One day will feel dark, the next will be full of life.  Be ready to bask in the new day.

Pink Story: Release

I read today’s message in "Jesus Calling" dated for January 8th even though it was October 29th.  

“Softly I announce My Presence.  Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance.  Though I have all Power in heaven and earth, I am infinitely tender with you.  The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you.  Let your weakness be a door to My Presence.  Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help.

“Hope in me and you will be protected from depression and self-pity.  Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven.  The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus, you are lightened.  Heaviness is not of My kingdom.  Cling to hope and My rays of LIght will reach you through the darkness.”

I was, yet again, amazed.  I felt weak.  I felt the depression trying to press in.   felt the heaviness.  He was there.  He was with me.  By placing all my hope in Him, I would be okay.  I gave Him all my burdens, all my weariness, all my thoughts.  He replaced them with joy, rest, and thankfulness.  I felt alone and broken on that Monday morning.  I felt like I needed some guidance to help me through this, but at the time, the best I could do was to write it on the page, remove it from my head, give it to God and let go.

Mountains

While we were driving to work this morning I looked up and saw the mountains off in the distance.  It was a clear morning without a cloud in the sky.  The sky was just beginning to turn from dark blue to grey.  Light blue would soon follow after the pink and orange. I looked past the cars rushing past and the gas stations and the homes and the power lines to the mountains.  They were simple, there was no chaos, there was peace.

I remembered the line, "Lift your eyes to the hills, to where your help comes from."  I probably didn't remember it perfectly, but it is what came to mind.  I understood it better today.  I always imagined some desert lands and the hills are off in the distance representing some faraway God who promises help.

Today, I saw that lifting my eyes from the busy-ness and the fast pace and the to-do lists to the majestically formed hills that do not have a care in the world brings peace.  They were placed there and will remain standing strong for years on end.  Lifting my eyes to the hills reminded me to take a breath, brought me peace and reminded me that life is bigger than what I see in front of me.  The best part was that lifting my eyes helped me to forget about myself for a moment and allowed the peace to wash over me.

I need to remember to lift my eyes when the weight gets heavy.  I will lift my eyes when I am weary.  I will lift my eyes when it seems too difficult.  I will also lift my eyes to give thanks and celebrate to where my help comes from.

Lift your eyes to the hills.

Pink Story: Weary From Standing

I had read, “Fill up the spare moments of your life with praise and thanksgiving." (Jesus Calling) so I tried.  I thanked God for what He had done.  My back hurt, I had kinks in my neck, but when I began thanking God peace filled me and I quickly fell asleep.  The battle never ends.

I came to appreciate “Jesus Calling” as each day went on.  A fellow breast cancer survivor gave it to me and it seemed that each time I read it I was encouraged with exactly the words I needed to hear to make it through that day.  Usually I am a stickler for following rules so, in the past, if someone had given me a book with dated passages as this book had, I would begin on the date that matched today’s date then I would religiously read it every day so that I wouldn’t get off.  If I missed a day I would read two passages to catch up.  I didn’t do this with this book.  Even though it was October, I began on January 1st.  It was freeing to break the rules and this way it didn’t matter if I read it every day.  

It is now October 29th.  It has only been a little over a month since I began this journey, but it feels so much longer.  I should be hearing the results from the genetic test any day, my surgery is only a few weeks away, and I can’t turn my brain off from the "what ifs."  Each day I awake afresh with the weight of two fully loaded, over-sized semi’s on my shoulder.  Each day I sit down with my journal and word by word, page by page set the burden down so that I can function throughout the day.  On October 29th I awoke with the burden afresh.  I was tired.  I was spent.   I felt like quitting.  I was tired of having one thing on my mind every waking moment.  I was tired of moving forward and working so hard.  I was tired of being strong.

Sunrise

This morning, my youngest and I were driving to school as the sun was rising.  The fog was thick as the sun burned the moisture off the ground.  However, it wasn't the gloomy grey fog that is so common.  The fog was glowing with the rays of the sun.  We could see the very tip of the mountain surrounded above and below with the fog.  The mountain top was floating on a glowing sea of pink and orange.

With each second we drove, the fog grew thinner and the sun started peaking up over the mountains.  First, it was a sliver.  We could see the outline of it and enjoy fully the rising of the sun.  As the seconds continued, the sun quickly shown higher over the mountain.  It grew like an orange peeking out of its hiding place. The fog became brighter orange and thinner as the heat from the sun penetrated it.  Soon the sun was aglow above the mountain.  We could no longer look directly at it, but we enjoyed watching the transformation.

As we neared school, I wondered out loud if anyone else noticed the sunrise.  We were surrounded by cars going all directions on the road.  My daughter was confident that no one saw it.

What are we missing because we are moving too fast?  What do we avoid because we are running late or frustrated that things aren't going the way we planned?

I purposefully make time for quiet moments.  I set aside at least an hour each morning to sit and have my coffee because it helps me begin my day at a peaceful pace.  I take time for myself first.  My family does the same thing in the evenings.  We purposefully find time to stop and rest from our day.  Being busy isn't best and it doesn't mean success.  It simply means you may be controlled by your schedule instead of controlling your schedule.  We always make time for what is most important to us.

Pink Story: Victory, Defeat, Repeat

I started referring to God as "Daddy" at the moment that I knew he loved me more dearly than my husband loved his girls. I saw that love and unending desire to protect and bless them and I knew that my Heavenly Father's love was infinitely greater. The name, "Daddy" helps me remember he sees me as his daughter and cares about me more than anyone else.

This poem that I wrote gives a small glimpse into what my mental battle was every day:

my mind says what if?

My Daddy says I Am.

my mind says what’s next?

My Daddy says I Am with you.

my mind says I can’t.

My Daddy says in Me you can.

my mind says I have no strength.

My Daddy says I Am your strength.

my mind says Why?

My Daddy says I Am Glory.

my mind says I’m scared.

My Daddy says I Am with you.

my mind says it is dark.

My Daddy says I Am Light.

my mind says I am weary.

My Daddy says I Am rest.

my mind says this is heavy.

My Daddy says I will carry you.

my mind says I am weak.

My Daddy says I Am strong.

my mind says quit.

My Daddy says I love you.

my mind doesn’t give up.

My Daddy says I don’t grow tired.

my mind only speaks to me.

My Daddy says I hear every thought.

my mind tries to take me down.

My Daddy builds me up.

my mind travels to the unknown.

My Daddy knows all things

because of I Am, I can.

All this may sound victorious.  The words on the page make it appear that I had it all together.  The very next day I woke up and immediately began the forbidden path with my mind.

Timing

Over the years there have always been circumstances that happened when I wasn't ready for them or when I was past being ready for them.  We all know those moments when we're anxious for what we believe the next step is in our lives.  We expect it, anticipate it and get impatient for it.

We are putting our house up for sale for the third time in 4 years.  Each time we put a "For Sale" sign out, we thought we were ready, but for a variety of reasons it didn't sell or we changed our mind.  The last time we put the sign out we could have worked harder to sell it, we could have tried harder.  Instead, we took down the sign knowing that it must not have been time.  We thought it was time, but instead of fighting what was naturally happening, we settled in to the way things were already working. It feels different this time.  It feels like it might be better timing and we might be making a better choice about where we go.  We didn't know this two years ago.  If we had fought what was naturally happening, we may have done something we regret and had to work to undo our mistake.

We don't know what is down the road.  We have our calendars filled, but we don't really know how we are going to feel, what we are going to need or what unexpected events will come our way.  It is better to live at peace and trust that the Spirit is guiding rather than fight against it and have to repair damages.

My favorite and one of the most comforting stories from the Bible illustrates this waiting perfectly.  When Joshua was crossing the Jordan River with the Arc, God told him to have the men carrying the Arc to go stand in the river.  God stopped the flow of the Jordan.  However, he stopped it 7 miles upstream from where the men were standing.  The men had to stand and wait while 7 miles worth of rushing river water and debris passed by their legs.  I bet they wondered if the water would ever stop.  What was the point of standing in the middle of the river?  God had taken care of them, they just couldn't see it yet.

I have learned over the years that if I am patient, things will work out even in the midst of difficulties and chaos.  I sit back and trust and listen and know that the timing will be perfect if I don't fight it.

Pink Story: One Step

God gave me the grace to handle my circumstance (breast cancer) in my time, not anyone else’s circumstance or time.  During my battle with breast cancer people would look at me with wonder at how I was going through this ordeal.  They were in awe because they couldn't imagine it, but I was given the grace for it. It is only by the grace of God.  

The final most encouraging part of the passage from Jesus Calling was, “Keep your eyes and mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.”  My focus had to be redirected from uncertainty and fear to revelation and hope.  God was working.  He had not abandoned me now so He could show up later.  He was with me each moment of each day strengthening and encouraging me.  I needed to pay attention.  I needed to stop trying to control my thoughts and feelings and, instead, release them to Him and then watch what wondrous things He would do.  I prayed that I would walk this journey in the present and not try to look too far ahead.  I knew I only needed to know one step at a time and even that wasn’t revealed until I began moving my foot.  I needed to be reminded of the past and how faithful God had always been.  I needed to let go and trust.  The battle was always raging.  

Easter

Easter is tomorrow and no matter how or why you celebrate, it is a day of new beginnings.

The seasons are shifting, the flowers are beginning to bloom.  Trees are turning green as their leaves come out from hiding.  The grass grows thicker and longer awaiting it's first trim.  The green and freshness is plentiful.

In addition, people come out from their winter hibernation.  The children are playing in the street.  The neighbors are working in their yard.  You can see the smiles on all their faces as they soak in the sunshine.

Each day, each morning that the sun rises is an opportunity to begin afresh.  Each day the mistakes and faults of the day before are gone and it is time to move forward to continue to become the best version of yourself.

Pink Story: Dealing with your own Difficult Days

The first sentence that struck me from Sarah Young’s book was “ask My Spirit to control your mind so you can think great thoughts of Me.”  I didn’t have to try and control my thoughts, I could ask for help.  When my mind wanted to travel down this dark, unknown path I could choose to think of all the great things about my Daddy instead.  He is real and true, this imaginary path was not.  “The more extreme our circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation.”  This sentence encouraged me because my circumstances felt more extreme right now.

Many people have different “extreme” circumstances happen in their lives.  It is not right that anyone should compare their circumstances to another's because the circumstance is happening for that person at that moment and for them it may be very extreme.  Who’s to say that in 5 years there won’t be another circumstance that is even more difficult than the current one, but God promises that His grace is sufficient for whatever circumstance we are in.  I do not have the grace right now to go through Billy’s issue, but He has given me the grace to go through mine no matter how difficult it seems at times.  

Years ago I was a waitress at Red Robin.  My husband had a sales job and we needed more money.  I had just weaned my youngest and I offered to get a job.  I declared the only job that would work for me was a waitress job.  I ventured out to place my applications.  Two hours later I was hired at Red Robin.  I worked at Red Robin for a total of 3 ½ years.  At the beginning I enjoyed the time with other adults.  It was a drastic change from my 4 years of being home with my young daughters.  I also enjoyed being in the world.  That’s what the religious people called being around non-believers.  It was the most secular place I’d ever worked and I enjoyed it.  I grew dramatically in that 3 ½ years. I became more outgoing, I became more confident, I realized I was good at many things, I was respected by others, I had fun, and I relaxed.  For 3 ½ years I served people.  I served them their drinks, I served them their food, I served them whatever they needed and wanted.  I served the happy, I served the grumpy, I served the laid back, I served the stoic, and I served with a smile no matter what.  

Many times people tipped graciously.  Many times people tipped stingily.  In the state of Idaho in 2005 a server at a restaurant made $3.35 an hour.  The state of Idaho takes a large portion of that so a server’s wage is tips.  There were nights when I worked for more than 5 hours and made $20. There were nights when I made over $100 working the same amount of time.  It may average out ok at the end of the month, but if I have to pay a $60 power bill tomorrow and I make $20 today, it doesn’t matter what I make tomorrow.  

The most difficult thing about being a server is giving every person the best service I can and then getting stiffed on the tip.  I knew they didn’t know what I got paid, but it was still difficult.  I had the grace to do that job for 3 ½ years.  At the end of the time I began hating that job.  I hated how people treated me, I hated working for nothing.  I was telling a friend and she said “You don’t have the grace for it anymore.”  What she said made perfect sense.  I had the ability to put up with it all those years, but now it wasn’t time for me to put up with it anymore.  It was time for me to more on.  A month later I had a teaching job.  

Weary Day

It is spring.  For most people, spring brings life and joy and sunshine and renewal.  It is spring-like some days. Today, things feel a bit weary.  My "to do" list is quite long.  My students and I are getting weary of all the learning. I'm sure the families that are running to extra sports events and concerts and a variety of ceremonies are getting worn out.

How do we rise up and keep the weary away?  How do we enjoy the renewal and beauty and growth?

We choose.  We choose the most important things.  We choose to take breaks doing activities that bring us joy. We choose to say "no" to what will steal from us and "yes" to what will fulfill us.

It's ok to choose.  It's ok to protect your spirit and time.  It's ok to breathe and enjoy.  Take a walk and enjoy the peace, renewal and growth all around.

Pink Story: Trust

I was rescued from my dilemma of dealing with reality by a book I was reading called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  Here is what it said:

I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine.  Come to Me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish.  Ask My Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me.  Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered.  Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark.  The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation.  Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention.  Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.

I was amazed, and I surprised that I was amazed.  I knew I should have known better than that by now.  I’ve had a lot of experience watching God take care of my needs and issues in my life.  

He saved me from a potential life threatening car wreck when I was 17.  I was driving to school in my ‘71 Chevy Nova on icy roads.  I lived in a town north of Spokane, Washington and was used to the snow to the extent that I took my driving test in 6 inches of fresh snow on a day when everyone else canceled their test, and I passed.  

Approximately a half a mile from the school lies a rather steep hill.  I (after my year of driving experience) accelerated up the hill with my 350 big block engine.  The tail end of my Nova moved like a fish.  Using my great 17-year old wisdom, I did it again.  The car fishtailed again.  Since I learn so quickly, I accelerated one more time.  This time my blue Nova did a 180 and slid off the left side of the road, down a hill and into someone’s driveway.  In my state of shock, I opened the barbed wire gate that blocked my way, drove through, turned left and went to school.  I was shaken, but it wasn’t until my drive home after school that I realized what happened.  

I had already noticed that my license plate, which was nestled in the back window, flew onto the floor of the front seat.  I was thankful that I didn’t receive more of a jolt considering that my car didn’t have seat belts.  I searched the side of the road for the location where my car must have slid off. There was only one car sized opening along the road that didn’t have trees or steep cliffs, my car found it.  In any other spot I would have been seriously injured or dead.  I believed with all my heart that God allowed my car to go to that spot to save me.  He takes care of me and loves me.  

I knew during this difficult time He would take care of me just like He did then, it took much more mind power this time.  It took much more patience and waiting and trusting.  I knew He was faithful, I simply had to trust.

Goat Day

Today in our box, (gym) we did something called "Goat Day."  We got to choose 2 things that we struggle with in our work-outs and practice them.  My family likes "Goat Day" because we get to try to get better at one of our weaknesses.  My youngest jumped with joy when she found out eager to practice pull-ups and hand stands.  My oldest grinned from ear to ear ready to practice her rope climbs. We welcome the opportunity to make ourselves stronger.

This made me wonder, do I welcome the opportunity to make myself better in other areas?  Do I see weaknesses and take advantage of moments to strengthen them?  Do I welcome practice or do I dig my heals in, content to stay the way I am?  I'm happy to work to be stronger, am I happy to work to be better? Do I welcome moments of growth or do I make excuses for my actions and get offended at the opportunity to become a better person?

I don't know what this looks like or how it works.  I simply realized that strength of body and strength of character should probably get equal effort.

Pink Story: Dealing with Thoughts

By the end of October, 2012 my mental and emotional journey was a continuous roller coaster.  I would feel good and in control one moment, then ready to collapse under the pressure the next.  I was constantly thinking about what was going on inside my body and what would be happening in the next few weeks.  On this day I didn’t feel worried or scared just a heavy weight that pressed down on me every second of every day.  

I love how I am able to not feel worried, but at the same moment feel this extreme pressure.  I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had shrunk a little from the constant weight.  I had no idea how to lesson the weight, or how to distract my mind or change my thoughts.  I ventured that maybe I should stop trying to beat my thoughts and, instead, embrace them and deal with them head on.  I thought maybe I should attack them instead of avoiding them.  

I considered that plan. I discovered that I was afraid to engage my thoughts.  I was afraid of where they would take me.  I was afraid to say them out loud or write them down. Then they would exist for real and I could not pretend they didn’t.  

Ironically, that is the thing I love most about writing.  I love that when you write it down it is down forever.  I especially love that when you write your thoughts down they are no longer in your head. You don’t have to remember them.  You don’t have to recall what happened when or how you felt or what you wanted.  You write it and it's done.  You write it and move on.  Now I’m terrified to write my thoughts down because they will be permanent and real and I am not sure if I want to make them real. I might have to deal with them, I might have to admit something I’m not willing to admit.

Just Keep Moving

Sometimes the sun feels far away.  Sometimes the mountains seem too high or too rugged.  Sometimes the road seems too long with no end in sight.  Sometimes our weary souls can't imagine taking one more thing. Sometimes it is daunting and overwhelming and every cell in our bodies wants to quit.

Don't quit.  Keep moving.  Take a step, then another.  Do the next thing.  Take a breath and know that if you keep moving you will come to the end of this difficult journey and the sun will shine again and the path will level out.  You will see your destination ahead where you will have a moment to rest and enjoy the journey.

Keep moving, it won't be like this forever.

Pink Story: Stress Effects

On October 25th I had my first cancer dream, that’s pretty incredible considering this had been on my mind for over a month.  I was standing in line at the grocery store and a lady bought my groceries for me.  They cost $138.  (Why that number?  I don’t know.)  Somebody in my dream was talking about all the faults and messiness that come with the surgery.  They were relaying the horror stories.  I don’t know where any of it came from, I hadn't had any of those thoughts while I was awake.  I woke up feeling miserable.  

October 26, 2012 (journal entry)

I wrote: Can I really do this?  Can I really be strong enough to endure surgery, radiation, be a wife and mother, a friend and successful teacher?

I heard: “You can’t, but in Me you can.”

The initial stress of all this turned my cold into pneumonia.  Once the pneumonia began to subside I acquired 3 cold sores. (I always get cold sores during stressful times.)  On the outside I am calm, but this stress is obviously affecting me and my body refuses to conceal it.

Work Together

Before my grandma died she told me about how she wanted to write a story about her family when her children were growing up.  She lived on a dairy farm.  Among the many chores, there were cows to feed, fields to plow, hay to get in, calves to deliver and gardens to tend.  My grandma remembered that time as precious. Most people see working on a farm as work, but she found joy in it.  The greatest joy she had was in working together with her family.  She said they would work together and play together.

Her thoughts about this time in her life stayed with me.  Since the very beginning of my marriage life, I kept this in my mind.  When my girls were very young I made two containers.  In one container was a pile of note cards containing pictures of rooms in our home and what chores needed to be done in those rooms.  The other container had a pile of note cards containing pictures of fun things that we could do together: have a tea party, color, make cookies, play a game, watch a show, go for a walk, read a book and other fun ideas like that.  We would pick a card from the chore container and go to that room and clean it together.  Then we would pick a card from the fun container and go play together. We would go back and forth between the containers a few times each day we had an opportunity.

Now that my girls are older we still work together.  They are helpful around the house, they enjoy working with us and they have amazing attitudes about it.  They are willing to learn new things and have learned we are good teachers.  We can help them understand things sooner than if we let them flail on their own.  I'm so thankful for my grandma's words.  I'm thankful that I can pass on her legacy or good work ethic to my girls.

We will always work together and play together and I hope they remember to make time for play amidst the work.

Pink Story: Head Talk

One of the phenomenons of a situation like this (cancer) rising in one’s life is that time slows down.  As one day passed to the next I was amazed that only a day had passed.  The days were long, full of the normal activities, but also full of the millions of thoughts and questions and attempts to control the thoughts and questions.  On top of everything, I was also in the waiting game.  

What would the genetic test show?  What kind of surgery would I need?  Would I need to order new boobs?  I was in a state of limbo wondering what the future held and not wanting to know at the same time.  Knowing could be a relief, a simple surgery. . . radiation. . . done.  Knowing could also mean turning the familiar in my life on its head.  If the test returned positive I would need to get a bilateral mastectomy.  That means they would remove both of my breasts completely.  Fortunately the insurance companies pay for reconstructive surgery, but that means two surgeries and I had heard some horror stories.  It may still be my skin, but it wouldn’t be the same.  I’m not saying that I would chose against the surgery because of a loss of my personal boobs.  I’m saying I realized that I would have to deal with the loss.  I would have to adjust and cope and mentally walk myself through the journey.  That scared me.  These thoughts never escaped me.  This mental argument and pro and con list never left my mind except while I was teaching.  

Teaching is such an all consuming task that takes every sense, thought, and physical ability that thinking about anything else will knock you out and create an opportunity for the students to trample all over you.  I thought my thoughts in the quiet of the bathroom, walking down the hall, sitting in my home in front of the fire with my coffee, lying in bed in the morning and in the evening, driving in my car, riding my bike, walking my dog, watching television, eating, all the time. . . except when I was teaching.  

These thoughts, this battle, this argument consumed my days and made them long.  The tasks of the day were extended by every thought of "what if?"  I knew that I should trust, I knew that it would be ok.  That knowledge didn’t stop the conversation in my head, that conversation made the days long.  And, strangely, I was thankful for the long days.  I was thankful that time didn’t fly, I was thankful to pass each day in a spiritual peace even if my mind fought it every step of the way.

Unseen

Everyone has things that affect them.  Some of them are physical, some of them emotional, some things are a little of both and all those things can feel like a lot of everything.  Most of the time, those "things" we are dealing with are invisible to the people around us.

When I had breast cancer, I usually looked just fine.  People would sound surprised when they said, "You look good."  It may have been more of a question than a compliment.  I think they expected me to look poorly.  In the early days of my diagnosis, I would be driving down the road or walking somewhere and I would think, "None of these people have any idea what is going on with me."  I had radiation and not chemotherapy which is great news.  However, when you have cancer and your hair doesn't fall out, people seem confused.

People's reactions are innocent.  They have no idea what is happening.  They don't understand and they are doing the best they can. Thankfully, most of these people haven't had to deal with very many terrible things.

The thing to remember is that most of the time people are hiding whatever they are dealing with it.  They are trying to deal with it.  They are trying to move on and continue living so they don't "look" like anything is wrong.  The compliment should be, "Wow, I know you must be dealing with a lot, but you look amazing!" Then they should proceed to ask and listen to what is going on.

Simply because it is unseen doesn't mean it isn't real.  No one can see what my MS does to me on a daily basis.  Most of the time, I try to ignore it.  I try to continue as if nothing has changed.  Once in a while, I feel it, but no on sees it.  It is very real and completely invisible.

Pink Story: Cancer Analogy

My journey began like many other’s journeys.  I traveled on small, safe roads until I learned enough to venture onto the busy freeway.  Once I made it onto the highways, I felt powerful, free, and successful.  I traveled long distances on the freeway.  I watched others struggle, but the largest struggle I had was a poorly managed road with potholes that made the drive uncomfortable and sometimes beat up my car more than I would have liked, but I always made it through in a short amount of time and was cruising at top speeds again.  I noticed all the exits along the way, but I had a destination I was focused on.  Those exits would only slow me down.  Besides, the towns they led to weren’t places anyone chooses to go.  Most people were forced onto those exits and off the ultimate path to their chosen destination.  

On September 18, 2012 I began to be pushed towards one of these exits.  It’s name was Cancer.  I began to imagine what the town might look like if I went that way and fought turning off my safe freeway.  On September 21, 2012 I was forced off the freeway to the exit whose name had been hidden.  As I slowed down my car to stop at the light I thought I got a glimpse of the town.  I still didn’t want to go there.  I didn’t see a place to eat or rest.  I was again forced to turn the opposite way I had planned and found myself on a 2-lane road that hadn’t seen many cars.  This road led away from the freeway.  I kept straining my neck, looking for a sign that would direct me back knowing that with every minute that passed that sign was less likely to appear.  I thought about the people on the freeway.  They had no idea what this little road was like.  Some tried to imagine and understand, but this is a road that can only be experienced.  I kept driving, slowly and cautiously looking for any sign that might take me back to the freeway. I finally spotted the sign.  On October 1, 2012 I read the sign welcoming me to the city of Breast Cancer.  I wanted to turn around, but it was impossible.  I was now so far from the freeway that the only way to get back was to travel on this one-way street through the town.   

I found a hotel to stay in called “Wait and See.”  I ate daily at the restaurant of “Hope.”  I took my coffee from a cafe called “Faith.”  I would have multiple cups a day.  I found maps telling me how to get through the town.  They gave great directions, but always required the slowest movement.  

My world slowed down in this town.  The freeway was fast with everyone focusing on their destination.  But, this town was filled with moments.  Each moment was precious, each moment was lived.  As much as I didn’t want to be in this town, I enjoyed the pace.  I enjoyed not being in a hurry.  I enjoyed seeing the path in front of my feet.  I noticed, rock, dirt, flowers, sunsets, and trees that I had never seen on the ever-moving freeway.  The days inched by like a slug looking for rare food he smells. Each day had value.  Each person I spoke with had value, their time was worth gold to me, their words like sweet balm, their touch was a boost of energy helping me see my way through the town.  

No one chooses to stay in the city of Breast Cancer.  Everyone keeps moving, sometimes more slowly than others, but they move nonetheless.  I know that on the outskirts of town signs will lead me back to the freeway, but I might begin taking the hidden roads and enjoying the sights and the people more.  I know I’ll eventually make it to my destination, I might as well enjoy the trip.

Simplify

For the last few years my family and I have been trying to simplify our lives.  We have gotten rid of things that sit and don't improve our daily living.  We've eliminated the collections that sit and only collect dust.  We have minimal furniture and minimal decorative items.

We didn't choose to do this because it was a fad, we chose to do this because we wanted to choose how to spend our days.  We didn't want to be ruled by our "stuff."  We wanted to be able to walk away from it and live and do things that brought us joy.

As we make decisions about our future we weigh the things we want to do against the things we have to do. We try to minimize the "have to's" to make room for the "want to's."  We choose to be free from things and only attached to the people we care about rather than the material things that rarely bring anything extra into our lives.

It's ok to have things that are beautiful and that we enjoy, but it's a good idea to ask why we have them.  Do we have those things because of the joy they bring us or because we think we are supposed to own them. That "should" word comes back again.  Even when referring to the purchases we make, "should" needs to stay out of the equation.

We choose time with each other, freedom to travel, health and peace.  Everything else is extra.

Pink Story: Surviving the Difficult Days

Since I was beginning to feel better, (it takes a long time to recover from pneumonia) we decided to go to church for the first time in weeks.  At first I wanted to sneak in and sneak out, but instead I stayed present and was rewarded with gentle love, encouragement and support.  A friend of mine encouraged me and shared that the prayer group was praying for miraculous healing.  I assured her I’d take that prayer.  Being healed is always welcome.  I imagined miraculous healing to look like waking up cancer free.  As much as I appreciated the prayer, I didn’t exactly see God do that. I later wrote:

“I believe God will receive more glory from me going through this than from me being miraculously healed.  That doesn’t mean He won’t heal me, it doesn’t mean that I will have to venture down the worst path.  I just see a journey that will glorify Him and heal relationships.  He’s not making me sick.  He is using this opportunity, when people's hearts have been softened, to move.  He is using this opportunity, when people's eyes are opened, to reveal Himself.  If a person learns about Him from all this or leans closer to Him, He gets the glory.”  

As difficult as all this was, I knew that I would be okay.  I knew that I needed to record my thoughts and prayers so that I would stay sane.  If I had been left to my own devices, to think freely about all the "what ifs" or even to listen to some of the people around me I would have collapsed.  I had to stay focused on the now, stay focused on God, and keep my mind clear of garbage.  

My daily writing ritual that helped me focus was similar to the driver of an old car that only responds to the perfect actions of the driver:  before you start the car, pump the gas 3 times, put it in reverse then 1st gear, turn the wipers on and off once then turn the key twice.  On the second turn it will start.  If you neglect any step, the car just won’t run.  It was the same with my morning journal writing.  I had to begin by sharing my feelings, physically and emotionally, then my doubts, then my fears and finally a statement of faith that I trust my Daddy and it will be okay.  Those daily movements helped me to walk through each difficult day.