Cry Too Easily

Over the past months I have noticed a phenomenon.  Whenever I talk about my limitations, I cry.  I don't mean to cry.  I don't feel like crying.  It simply comes out.  If I share that I am having a bad day or that something hurts or that I can't do something, tears flow.  It's a bit embarrassing because I can't control it. I begin talking about a weakness and water flows.  It makes it difficult to speak and it doesn't encourage me to share.

I'm okay sharing about the past.  I'm okay sharing about what I've overcome.  I don't seem to like to share about the present weaknesses. It doesn't help when I am also tired and stressed.

As I reflected on this phenomenon and wondered why it kept happening, the only explanation I could come up with was that I want to be okay.  I want to be capable.  I want to be able to handle whatever comes at me.  Admitting my weaknesses proves that I am not all of those things even if only for a moment.

I've accepted these things.  It's always interesting to me why I operate the way I do.  I suppose I hope that understanding myself will help me make the best decisions.

We could all use a little understanding of ourselves and each other.  We are all doing the best we can with what we have.

Pink Story: Owl

The completion of one of my notebooks meant the beginning of another.  In the midst of my cancer treatment I hoped to be a wolf.  I hoped I was strong and able to take on the disease and the treatment.

I went to buy my next notebook and was strangely drawn to one with an owl on it.  Usually I simply buy the cheapest or a simple one, but this time I spent a little more money and bought a simple notebook with an owl on the front that spoke to my soul.  I thought about this as I do everything and wondered why I was drawn to an owl.  This is the first animal that found myself drawn to and encouraged by, I wondered why.

I think we all have things that speak to us without speaking.  There are things that bring us joy or peace. Here's a little about mine:

Along this journey I found myself being drawn to owls.  I studied them with my students and without thinking about it, I find myself choosing things with owls on them.

Owl’s ears are asymmetrical and their faces are shaped like a satellite dish so they can hear everything and know exactly where the sounds are coming from.  Owls are excellent listeners.  Owl's heads can turn 270° so it can easily see what is going on.  It is observant.  It’s wings are specially made to move it silently through the night.  An owl is unobtrusive and patient.  It spits up the remains of its food so everyone can see what it eats.  The owl is transparent, it has nothing to hide.  I can imagine it sitting on a branch watching and listening.  The owl is a picture of peace.  

Perhaps I’m drawn to the owl because that’s how I wish to be seen: wise, attentive, observant, unobtrusive and patient.  I want to be at peace.  Perhaps I am drawn to the owl because I am already these things.  Perhaps I drawn to the owl because I am becoming these things as the owl becomes part of me.

Sweet 16

Yesterday my oldest daughter turned 16.  She spent the whole weekend celebrating.  With each gathering of friends and family I was aware of what an amazing young woman my daughter is turning out to be.

She was 11 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to deal with her own fears as she watched me change from an always capable mom to a mom who spent a lot more time resting.  She probably worried about me much more than an 11 year old should have to worry about her mom.

Today she is kind, responsible, passionate, and confident.  I am in awe of her.  She is much more confident and sure of herself than I was at her age.  I am proud of her.  She has become someone that people want to be around.  Her character is one that I would have dreamed for her.  She is hard working, diligent, helpful, and wise.  She listens to other's experiences and wisdom and learns from them.  She does not approach life as if she has all the answers.  She is willing to learn eager to grow.

I am privileged to have such an amazing daughter.  I am blessed that she likes to be with me.  I look forward to what great mountains she will climb and how she will continue to grow and become even more amazing.

Pink Story: Wolf

Most of the story about my cancer journey was written in a notebook with a wolf on the cover.  The wolf is a Yellowstone grey wolf.  It’s eyes are confident and direct.  It is not worried or scared.  As I filled the last page of the journal, I decided that I could be as strong and confident as the wolf in the picture.  Every journey is a bit of a battle.  Fighting the battle is the wearying part, but it is possible, one step and one day at a time.

“I am the wolf.  I am strong.  I am part of my pack.  I am confident.  Whatever comes my way I will deal with and keep moving.  I am not concerned with everyone else’s problems.  I will help, but they don’t take me down.  The only thing that will take me out is death and since I am still alive, I will live.  I will eat, sleep and enjoy every gift that comes my way.  Troubles are merely in my path. I will go over or around.  I am the wolf.  I am victorious.”

Waking Before the Sun

Have you ever woken up before the sun on a summer morning when the sun rises early?  Have you ever woken after only a few hours of sleep and found there was no way you would be able to return to sleep?  Both of these things happen to me all of the time.

I used to worry and fret when I woke up at 2 am.  I used to be concerned about how tired I would be for the rest of the day.  I would inform people that I woke up early.  I am now very experienced at waking up early now and I approach my day differently.

I know that even though I woke up too early today,  tomorrow I have a good chance to get needed sleep.  I know that no amount of worrying or fretting over the amount of sleep I get will change my day.  At the end of the day it's about moving forward one step at a time.  The lack of sleep may catch up to me one day, but until then, I'll keep moving.

Next time you wake up long before your alarm and the sun isn't out yet and you would like to go back to sleep and you start worrying about your day, take a moment to imagine the great things you can do with your extra morning hours.  What kind of peaceful or productive time can you have?  It wasn't your choice to wake up so early, but you can't force the sleep so you might as well embrace it.

Pink Story: Be Kind

One of the things I learned most over the first 4 months since my cancer diagnosis was to be easy on myself and to judge myself less.  I was and am in the process of learning to lower the expectations I have for myself and give myself a break.  I couldn’t work as hard as I used to work.  I didn’t berate myself for that.  I did what I could then I let the rest go.  No amount of worrying would get the work done.  I let go and praised myself for what I did do, not what I didn’t do.  I didn’t look the same.  I couldn’t wear stylish clothes or make my figure the best it could be.  I learned to show myself grace and not be overly concerned with my looks.

I got tired quickly at night.  I let myself go to sleep.  Dishes were waiting to be done, I would walk away until I had the strength to do them.  While at home I was either wearing sweats or pajamas because they were comfortable.  I didn’t change when someone came by to impress them.  As I stopped being concerned about what I thought of myself, I cared less what others thought of me.

I did my hair in a way that worked, a way that made me feel good even if it wasn’t the best style.  I painted my fingernails any color I wanted.  I wore the shoes I wanted to wear even if they were giant unstylish snow boots.  Sometimes I wore makeup in public, sometimes I wouldn’t.  I was learning to do things because I wanted to do them, not to impress the strangers I met.  My Christmas tree was still standing on January 17th and I didn’t rushed to take it down so others wouldn’t judge me.  When I had the energy to take it down, I would take it down.

I wasn’t able to exercise, but I was not judging my shape.  My hair was grey, I wasn’t going to dye it.  There was no one out there I needed to impress or put on a show for.  I needed to be me, be comfortable being me and give myself a break.

Today, I am still working on these things.  I am still trying to be kind to myself.  This may be the most important lesson we learn.

Trust the Process

This statement is one I have heard and said often, but I haven't put a lot of thought into what that looks like on a day to day basis.

Trusting the process means that I have chosen a path or process that has been proven to work.  I've chosen something that makes sense for me and my life.  I've chosen something that is a lifestyle and not a quick fix.

Once I've found the right process to add to my routines, I have to be faithful in continuing in that process.  Essentially, I have to keep moving.  I have to believe that what I am doing is valuable to my life even if I don't see the results that I would like to see right away.  Exercise is a perfect example of this.  I do CrossFit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough.  I am working hard enough?  Am I doing everything I can?  At these moments I remind myself that it is about showing up and participating to the best of my ability today.  It's not about the end goal even though I am interested in the next goal.  It's about today and being faithful today.

The final step in trusting the process comes when we recognize what our goals are.  If our goals are long term life changing goals then we simply keep moving and continue to be faithful with what is put in front of us.  If our goal is to achieve one accomplishment then we will do everything we can to achieve that one thing.

Even in my job as teacher, I have to trust in the tested and valuable things I teach.  When I am faithful and continue to do what I know is good and right, my students will learn and grow.  I may not see it tomorrow, but I will see it as I am faithful.

Trusting the process is a cliche way of saying show up, do what is in front of you to the best of your ability, and know that in the end you will be the best version of yourself you can be.  You can't compare yourself to anyone else, only to yourself and your own personal growth.

Pink Story: Unexpected Radiation Friends

I thought the roads would be really bad when I went into town for my radiation treatment so I gave myself an extra half hour.  I ended up arriving 30 minutes early.  In addition, they were 15 minutes late.  During that time I read a great article in a magazine and visited with 3 special people.  

Anita’s husband is scheduled to have his treatment right before mine.  We’ve been visiting for a few weeks now while she waits for him.  She is a nice lady.  They are a good couple. Jim’s prostate cancer came back, they are hoping they can get it with radiation and not to have to do additional treatments or surgery.

I met another lady who I haven’t seen before.  I don’t know her name.  She has 2 days left of radiation and has already finished 2 bouts of chemotherapy.  She just got out of a 12 day stay in the hospital for pneumonia.  She blessed me.  She was very positive and upbeat about everything.  She smiled a large, sparsely toothed smile.  Her bright, blue eyes lit up her pale face and she graciously reminded me to chill.  I may have been extra miserable last week because school started or because my body was adjusting or because my treatments were zapping me.  No matter what it was, I was gloomy and negative feeling.  This lady, who had been through much more than me reminded me to be thankful and hopeful and smile my way through it.  

The third person I visited with was a blond lady not much older than me.  She just had her CT scan and reflected the fear I had on my face when I first entered the building. I was hoping to get a chance to meet her again.  I want to encourage her and be a person she can talk to.  I’ve gone through this talking to God, which worked for me.  I didn’t feel comfortable meeting with a group of older women and talking about my situation and I would guess she wouldn’t either.  

I’m thankful for these people: a friend, an encourager and hopefully one I get to encourage.  

Bad Day

I am writing this, but I don't want to.

I realize that everyone has bad days.  Everyone has days where things don't go the way they want or they simply don't feel well.  I had a bad day recently and the last thing I wanted to do was write about it, but I will anyway.

Because I have MS, bad days come almost weekly.  A bad day usually comes because I used up more energy than I had.  It's no different than using more money than you have.  Once you're overdrawn, you have to wait until you acquire more income to pay the debt.  When I have overdrawn my energy account, I have to rest up until I have enough energy to start moving again.

Most of the time, I know I will have a bad day when I wake up. I don't feel like myself and I feel a bit foggy and slow. I'm able to take it easy, move slowly, rest and find more energy for the next day.  It get's very difficult when bad days start in the middle of the day while I'm already doing something. They sneak up on me when I'm interacting with people or working.  I can't stop to rest.  I can't sit down.  I can't take a break.  I have to keep moving.  The energy deficit gets larger during these times; it will take more than a day to recover.

I used to think that this would get easier, that I could manage my energy better so I would have fewer of these days.  I recently learned that all of this is typical with MS.  It is normal for most people so the chances that it will go away are very slim.

As a result, I will continue to do my best to use only the energy I have and not overdraw.  I will try to be wise with my resources, use my time efficiently and hope for fewer bad days.  Don't feel badly for me.  Don't feel sorry for me.  This is my reality.

I see people who spend excessive hours on their job or wear themselves out with duties.  I don't understand how they can push themselves so hard.  I forget that I once had that ability.  I don't have that ability now so I don't push myself.  I am forced to take care of myself.  I am forced to sleep a minimum of 7 hours a night.  I am forced to eat perfectly.  I have to exercise to keep myself as fit as I can. I am forced to use my time wisely.  All of these things are a good idea to maintain a healthy life.  It seems smarter to choose to do those things rather than wait to be forced to do it.

I get to make wise choices so I have energy and can be productive.  I think some people think I'm not working enough or doing enough.  They don't understand that I must make these choices for my health.

What would happen if we all made those choices?  Would we be happier?  Would we be healthier?

Pink Story: Effects of Radiation

When the media portrays a person with cancer, the always address their chemotherapy treatment.  I know that chemotherapy wreaks havoc on one’s body.  Because of this media attention, I thought radiation would be easy.  I figured I would sail through it with no problems.  I didn’t.  Radiation beat me up.  From the first day, I was tired, I hurt, I felt like a had an intense sunburn.  As the weeks went on, it got worse.  I was teaching 31 students everyday.  I was driving 30 minutes to and from radiation treatment at the end of my work day.  Some days, I was on the verge of falling asleep in the car.  I would eat dinner, go to bed and do everything again.  While there was only a few weeks left, the pain got so bad that it hurt when I moved.  My skin was turning to a pink, painful, leather. I was going to bed earlier and earlier.  I was losing patience with my students.   

I never imagined myself with failed health, especially at 36.  I read in Psalm 73:26, “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart.”  I knew that I would get better eventually.  At the time, I did not feel like myself.  I was tired all of the time.  I was in pain. I, who was normally very efficient, couldn’t do anything.  It hurt to clean out the dishwasher.  I was tired so tired, I would fall asleep while driving.  I considered taking a pillow to school and napping under my desk while students were at lunch.  I would rest and nap all weekend trying to store up rest like a chipmunk stores up nuts. I had minimal energy, what I did have I saved for school so my family got the leftovers.  All of this was unexpected and unwelcome outcomes of radiation treatment.

However, through all of this God remained my strength.  I got up in the morning because of Him.  I did what I could do because He gave me strength.  I had hope in 100% healing because I know he was healing me.  I rested and had peace in this season because He was with me.  I was not good at this, but He gave me grace to walk through it.  

Still Growing?

When children are little we expect that they will grow.  They will get taller, they will fit into larger sizes of clothing.  They will need bigger shoes on a regular basis.  They will need bigger beds, different car seats, and larger chairs at school.  We measure their growth at birth and continue to keep track of how tall they are each year.  Eventually they stop growing and we stop measuring.

We never put pressure on our children to grow faster or to make sure they reach a certain height.  We let them grow, are encouraged when they appear healthy, and enjoy celebrating the milestones along the way.

I like to measure my student growth the same way.  As long as they are gaining in knowledge, all is well.  I can't make them grow in their knowledge at the same rate as someone else or make them all have identical knowledge.  I can only measure them, encourage them and celebrate their milestones.

As adults, we usually stop growing physically, but we should still be growing in knowledge and understanding of ourselves and our world around us.  We can continue to seek out new information. We can continue to seek out ways to become the best version of ourselves.

Most of us are okay with all of us growing and learning and achieving new heights.  We often forget that we all grow at different rates.  We reach a new level and begin to get impatient with those around us that haven't come to the same understanding yet.  Rather than let them grow at their rate, we get impatient with them and try to force them to grow and be like us.

It's okay to grow, it's essential that we let others grow around us.  We will not all be at the same place at the same time, but as long as we are moving forward we are doing well and should celebrate each other's milestones.

My personal journey has taken me to many different areas in my intellectual growth.  I see things differently than most.  I feel things differently.  I don't expect everyone to see what I see.  I have to focus on where I am and let others be where they are.

Pink Story: Battle in the Brain

The most difficult part of having cancer is the battle that goes on in my brain.  I can cope with the daily schedule of going to treatment.  I can manage the pain, I can even figure out how to dress since I can't wear a bra.  It’s my mind.  It goes to places of despair or pity.  It doesn’t let me sleep.  When I wake up, the battle immediately begins again.  I can’t escape it.  I know, I give my thoughts to God.  I know, I focus on His truths and doing those things works.  What I’m saying is that I don’t get a break from the battle.  If I let down my guard for even a second my mind takes me to places I don’t want to go.  That’s why mornings are difficult.  I must begin the battle the second I wake up and sometimes the thought enemy gets a jab in as I’m becoming fully aware that a new day has come.

It’s a tiring battle.  It’s a continuous battle.  It’s one that people don’t know I'm having.  They can’t see my battle.  They only see my actions.  They cannot see the war going on in my head.  They can’t see the casualties that have occurred.  It’s the only thing no one else can understand.  It’s my battle and I have to fight it alone every day.

I know I will win.  Sometimes I get weary, but in the end I will win.

I wrote these words in the midst of my battle with breast cancer.  It's been over 4 years.  The brain battle is probably the battle that everyone who struggles with anything is having the most difficult time with. It's not a battle we can see and fight with our fists.  It's in our heads and it tries to take over, steal our joy, and steal our hope. I learned I had to stay on the offensive and be ready because it would never let up.  I still fight this battle; however, my enemy isn't as powerful or doesn't have as good as ammunition as it once had.  I win a bit easier these days.

Do You

Do your thing because if you don't, you wouldn't be you.

There are some things I do that few people see.  Some of the things I do, I don't let anyone see.  I do them because they are me.  I do them because I have to.  I don't have to because someone is making me, I do them because these things make me who I am.

One example is my writing.  I began filling journals and notebooks with thoughts and happenings when I was 17.  Today, I have filled over 31 different books.  If you read these blogs, you get a small sliver of some of those thoughts.  Most of them are still between the pages.  I write in those books for me.  I write to organize my thoughts, to sort through situations, to come to terms with my life, and to discover how to best be me.  I write for me.

I also have quiet moments with a cup of coffee (or 2 or 3).  I love sitting by the fire in the winter.  I like being outside.  All these things help me.  All these things bring my soul peace so that I am useful to everyone else.

You have something that you do that strengthens you and feeds you.  You have something you have to do to be whole and sometimes even sane.  Whatever that is, do it.

Pink Story: Flowers in the Mud

God has put me where He has put me.  He will give me the grace to do what is before me and the strength to stand each day.  These so called negative things that come my way will not take me down, but make me stronger.  I will be victorious and, upon reflection, the path I crossed will be overflowing with blessings.

In my mind, the path I'm forced down is muddy and dark, but when I look behind me flowers are overflowing over the path. They are squeezed together and rejoicing like teenage girls at a pop concert.

There has been a pattern in my life that reminds me to look back at the path I have just crossed to gaze at the blossoming flowers.  After our first dog died we got a new dog, the best we could have imagined.  We took on a new car payment, but payed off our other one.  We've experienced many losses, but not without the presence of flowers.

I know that all seemingly negative or difficult things will reveal something beautiful in my life.  I simply need to look back every once in a while after I’ve walked through the mire and see what God has done to the path He carried me through.  He always does it, I can count on Him doing it again and again.

Boundaries Against Stress

A new school year is upon us.  A new school year always means adjustments in schedules.  For most people with school aged children, it means that there will be more on their schedule.  Practices and extra activities that have been on hold for the summer will begin again.  Our schedule gets a little busier.  The most difficult part of the beginning of the school year for us is not schedules or events, it's peace stealing requirements.

These peace stealing tasks happen to all of us all of the time.  I notice them the most when I transition from summer and my own schedule to the school schedule.  My mind is consumed by the things I need to do, the things I want to do and the things that others ask me to do.  I am planning and organizing and juggling everything in my mind.  The amount of activity I need to do is not overwhelming.  What happens to my mind is the wearying, taxing part.

I can't change the events.  I can't change the requirements.  I can't control what others do around me. I can control me.  I can control my outlook.

As I enter into this season again, I am working hard to keep these thieves from stealing from me.  I guard my time to be me, to be with my family and to enjoy the gifts in my life.  I give all I have to my job, but when I walk away I will walk fully away.  I will turn off the constant reminders of what needs to be done until it is time to return to the job.  I will set boundaries and I will not let others tear those boundaries down.

I feel my heart race when the slightest stress tries to take over.  I feel my blood pressure rise when I am demanded to do something immediately or am taken advantage of.  I feel the physiological changes in my body when any form of stress tries to come.  My heart actually hurts when those pressures try to come at me.  I will do them and I will take care of everything, but I will not be pressured to panic, be anxious, or stress.  Somebody else's issue is not my issue.  If I make a mistake, I will own it, but I can't take on everyone else's mistakes.

A while ago my husband read something that said the best way to avoid dropping the ball is not to catch it in the first place.  I know me, I know what I can handle and I will work hard to do me.  I will work hard to be at peace even if everyone around me is not.

I want to encourage you to find your own boundaries.  Are there areas where people are invading your personal life and stealing from your peace?  Are there times when you aren't fully enjoying where you are because someone has hijacked your thoughts who isn't even with you? Find the boundaries and stand firm.  Know what is good for you and keep your soul, spirit, and body healthy.

Pink Story: Reflection of a Year

As 2012 came to a close I reflected on all of the happenings that occurred in the previous 12 months I realized it had been a year where we experienced a lot of loss and sickness.  In 2012 my girls’ two beta fish died, our beloved dog of 12 years died of bone cancer,  I got pneumonia and cancer, my uncle died, and my grandma got really sick.  Normally our years aren’t filled with this much sickness and sadness.  During this time in our lives, when living was at it’s most difficult and trying, our family was at it’s strongest.  Our family came together to show strength and togetherness.  Our family became one.  We learned to lean on one another, trust one another and believe in one another.  The difficult events of the year didn’t determine who were were.  How we got through those events determined who we were.  

During this time we became and still are an extremely united family.  We are not perfect, we are united and respectful to one another.  We haven’t always been this way, but we are this way now.  

Don’t shy away from the difficult times that come into your lives.  Rally together around those you love and care about and learn how to lean on each other.  Learn how to be weak and let others be strong and to be strong so others can be weak.  Don’t shy away from talking about the hard stuff.  You may be amazed what you learn about yourself and the ones you love.  

I never would have wished breast cancer on my life, but the united-ness of my family was an unexpected blessing that came of it.  It has been almost 5 years since my initial diagnosis and we are still close.  We enjoy each other and let each other be who we are made to be.  

Time Versus Money

Everyone grows up differently.  Everyone has different ways of celebrating and coming together. Some people like to spend money by going out to eat at a restaurant or buying gifts for one another.  Some people want to spend time together and can find ways to do it without spending money.  Both ways of celebrating are wonderful!

However, I have spent more years with little money than with a lot.  Because of this I have learned the deep value of time.  Stuff get's ruined, lost or worn out.  Time spent with ones we care about can't be taken from us.  We can remember it any time.

Ever since I can remember, my grandma repeatedly told me that all she wanted from me was for me to come visit her.  All she wanted was to be able to see me.  If it was a holiday, she was thankful if I was there.  She didn't want any gifts from me, just me.  This constant reminder has been so instilled in me that I still operate this way.

School begins soon.  As a small final moment of summer, my girls and I had a picnic at a local park while we were out school shopping.  We could have spent money on going out to eat, but I decided to have a picnic.  When the picnic ended, I realized that we had a much more special time than we would have had in a restaurant.

We sat on the grass under some big trees.  We took our shoes off and felt the grass on our toes.  During our meal we started to see some squirrels peaking at us.  Before lunch was finished, four squirrels had surrounded us and were staring at us.  We laughed and joked about the plot the squirrels were planning to attack us. We will always remember the day the squirrels surrounded us on our Back to School Picnic.  We had enough food so that we weren't hungry, a moment that we wouldn't forget, and some nice time together.

People can know how much you care about them simply by the time you are willing to share with them.  I will always choose a little valuable time over something that costs money and will not last.

Pink Story: Sometimes We Simply Survive

After about a month of radiation treatment I was struggling to continue feeling victorious.  I felt like I had a never ending cold.  I was tired, weary and unable to keep up my energy for more than half a day. My skin was turning leathery and it hurt constantly from the doses of radiation I had received each day. I knew that when I received my diagnosis of breast cancer, I was ready to be victorious over this and not let it get me down.  At this point in the process, I was happy to simply be a survivor.

This part of my story is a reminder that sometimes it's okay to simply survive.  It's okay if at the end of the day you were only able to get out of bed, shower and eat a little.  It's okay if you cleaned the house. It's okay if you didn't.  It's okay if the laundry got done.  It's okay if you got dressed instead.

Some days we are victorious.  Some days there is no situation, no event, no surprise that can stop us from moving forward and ending the day as if we ran through the red ribbon at the finish line.  Yet, some days we are survivors and thankful we made it through the day with even one accomplishment. We know that we can go to sleep and rest and perhaps the next day will be a victorious day.  Perhaps that day won't come again for a month or a year.

I'm here to tell you it's okay to survive.  Be kind to yourself.  Be gracious with yourself.  Put your health first and make other priorities after that.  If you aren't healthy you can't help your family, do your job or be there for the people who may need you.  If you are healthy, you can give whatever you are able to give.  Sometimes your presence is all that is needed.  Survive today and look forward to the day you will be victorious again.  Be thankful for the victorious days, surviving days may be trying to sneak up on you.  When they come, know they will not last forever.

Simply Surviving is okay Sometimes.

Be Together

This past week I've been observing that being together can solve many problems.  I know someone who was having a rough day.  Without getting into a long conversation and trying to force a better attitude or a better day, we tried to help her get over the hump.

Without her knowing, I kept her close.  I came up with an idea for a game.  I asked questions about her day and her interests.  It didn't take long and the smile returned and all was well.

This strategy won't always work perfectly, but I learned that sometimes a person simply needs someone else to pay attention to them. It is difficult to continue to have a rough day when you know that many people around you care about you and want to be with you.

Pink Story: Focus

The side effects of radiation treatment tend to be fatigue and a burning sensation on your skin, like you were sunburned. They told me when I started treatment I might notice these side effects after a few weeks, I probably wouldn't notice right away.

Within the first 2 days of treatment I was exhausted and my skin was agitated with a burning sensation. Whatever side effects were mentioned I got in full force right from the beginning.

I was 36 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was teaching 3rd grade at the time.  I did not have the ability or the desire to take a leave from work while I went through treatment.  Most people who are diagnosed with cancer are older and are often are already retired from their jobs.  They have the ability to focus on treatment and rest.  Each day, I went to work, taught 34 third graders, drove 30 minutes to radiation treatment and 30 minutes home.  I ate dinner and was often crawling into bed about 6:30 in the evening.  It took everything I had to maintain this routine.

Every little extra germ made me sick.  I had to stay away from large groups.  If anyone was sick, I got what they had. In the midst of all of this difficulty, the thoughts I had during this time were of staying relaxed and trying to enjoy each day.  I chose not to stress about anything or worry about accomplishing tasks.  I felt blessed and content.

It is our mindset that helps us get through the toughest days. We have to control our thoughts.  We have to choose what we focus on and focus on what will give us strength and help us to accomplish whatever lies in front of us.

I've been reading over the things I wrote back in 2012.  I read about the difficulties.  I remember the difficulties.  Then I read what I wrote about being blessed and I am amazed.  Somehow in the midst of the difficult time, I figured out what to focus on to make me whole and give me the strength to finish the race.

Grandpas

Within the next 30 days is the anniversary of 3 grandfather's deaths between my husband and I.  This time reminds me about what a special treasure grandpas are to us.

My husband and I have sweet memories of our grandfathers.  We remember their work ethic.  They faithfully went out to do their jobs.  We remember their creativeness.  They created new things, came up with different types of solutions to problems and were inventive with things that people threw away. They taught themselves how to do new things and they taught us a little bit of what they knew.

They made an impression on our lives and we continue to think about them each day.  We remember them fondly.  We see them in our children.  We see them in the world around us.  We remember what they said and we remember what they did.

I hope you have a special grandpa.  I hope you have someone who likes to sit in his favorite chair, take naps and tell stories.  I hope you know someone who watches out his favorite window at the people or the animals that venture by the property.  I hope you have someone who will sit and watch your children play, basking in their joy and not wanting them to be any different than they are.  I hope you have someone with years of experience who quietly lets his experience seep out on you and doesn't force it on you.  I hope you have a special grandpa or or grandpa type.  I hope they are still around.  If they aren't, I hope you remember them daily and fondly and treasure that special part of them they left behind in you.

Pink Story: Choices

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2012.  My surgery was in November and my radiation treatment began in the beginning of December.  Part way into my radiation treatment, it was time to meet with the medical oncologist about medication.

After about 2 weeks of radiation treatment I was scheduled to meet with the medical oncologist.  Before having cancer I didn’t know there were different kinds of oncologists.  A radiation oncologist deals with radiation treatment and a medical oncologist deals with medical treatment which includes chemotherapy and medication.  We talked for a few minutes when we met and due to my situation I had a choice about whether or not I took medication for hormone control after my radiation treatment was complete.  The choice he gave me was based on my fear.  The doctor asked me what I was more anxious about, side effects of medication or the return of cancer.  

This may have been the first time I really had a choice about my treatment.  I told him that the side effects of the medication concerned me more than trying to do one more thing to keep the cancer from returning.  This medication wouldn’t help it go away.  It would possibly keep it from returning.  I don’t take medication unless I am really ill so the side effects come after me a bit more aggressively because my body is not used to it.  

Once I shared my answer with him, he encouraged me to continue to live healthy and don’t go nuts trying to over do it.  

It has taken me a few years to learn what this advice looks like for me.  It looks different for everyone.  I had to find the things in my life that make me healthy, not the things that make others healthy.  I had to find a way to keep my mind clear and focused on what would benefit me.  I had to find a way to eat that made me feel well.  I had to find exercises that would give my body energy and I had to find fun activities that would bring me joy and peace.

As you journey through your life, make choices that make you whole and happy and productive.  Make choices that fit who you are and what will make you the best version of yourself.

At Ease

In my living room I have a picture of two white tulips.  Instead of the tulips standing tall as you often expect to see them, they are hanging down like an old man with his head down while he's sleeping in his favorite chair.  The phrase under the flowers is "At Ease."

It sits in a prevalent place in our living room and I see it daily.  It actually sits above the only recliner in the room.  It is fitting that the chair intended to help you rest is closest to the picture telling you to be "At Ease."  The picture is in memory of my grandpa and my uncle.

It reminds me to breathe.  It reminds me to be "at ease" with whatever is happening.  In the midst of dusting my house I walk by the picture and pause a bit in my soul.  I remember my dear family.  I remember that my uncle always enjoyed the simple things.  I remember that my grandpa would pick wild flowers for my grandma.  These thoughts remind me to take pleasure in the tiny moments and the simple pleasures of life.

It is difficult to find a place where you feel "at ease" in the midst of the busy moments of each day. There are schedules and "to do" lists, but it is essential.  There has to be a moment when the stresses of the day fall away.  There has to be a place where you feel "at ease" and can breathe and rest.  A few moments of ease can make all the other moments attainable.

Pink Story: Difficult Days

Each of us has good days and bad days.  

When I was about a month into my cancer treatment and it had been about 3 months since my diagnosis I reflected on my level of energy.  I went to a Christmas party and people were surprised and pleased to see me.  Surprise came from their thought that I wasn’t well enough to be there.  Pleased came from the fact they were encouraged to see me out.  Later, a friend called and told me I was strong and an encouragement to people around me.  

At the time that I was in the midst of all of this, I did not feel any of these things.  I felt a little slower, a little less energetic, a little more tired and a little more pain.  I simply walked forward through my life one step at a time.  The treatment for cancer and the idea of dealing with cancer took more from me than the actual cancer.

Back then, I imagined that on the day I became 100% myself again I would say, “Wow, I wasn’t feeling well all those days.”  However, I couldn’t compare how I felt then to feeling well.  I hadn’t felt well for over 3 months.  My new state of health and wholeness at the time was diminished from what it was the summer before.  I couldn’t feel how I felt that summer and how I felt that winter simultaneously.  I had no idea how this had really affected me.  I simply moved forward at the pace I could move and do what I could do.  I didn’t get down on myself for not being able to do something I used to be able to do, but I had a new normal I had to deal with on a daily basis.  

During this time, people kept telling me how strong I was and I felt anything but strong.  I wanted to be able to see myself through someone else’s eyes.  In most people’s eyes I saw compassion, but sometimes there was pity or fear.  I hoped being strong was a good thing and that people didn’t think I was milking something.  I’d rather be strong than be too weak and fall apart all the time and need people to carry me.  Most people didn’t know how to help me, so I got all my strength from my Daddy (God), they didn’t have to worry about it.  They could simply watch me walk.

We all have days when we don’t feel completely whole.  Sometimes we are ill, sometimes our mind is full or weary, sometimes our hearts ache.  We have to keep going.  We know that there will come a day when we feel better.  We simply need to keep moving and do our best during those difficult days.  We also need to remember that many people around us may be having difficult days.  Most of the time, we won’t be able to tell by looking at them.  They are trying to keep moving in the midst of their difficult days.  We have a choice to hinder them or help them.

Neighbors

We recently met our new neighbors.  Neighbors are a very special breed of people.

We lived in our former house for over 11 years.  For 6 of those years, I was a teacher at the local school. Local in this sense meant that the school was less than a mile from our house.  I spent 2 of those years riding my pink cruiser to and from school.  During that time my students were also my neighbors. I quickly got to know them and their parents.  I would wave at my neighbors as I rode through the neighborhood and often stop during walks to have visits.  I knew which kids I would find playing in their yards or riding bikes in the street.  I knew my neighbors.

Upon arriving at our new home about a month ago, I realized I would have to introduce myself to neighbors because I didn't have the luxury of getting to know them because I taught their children.  I did the only thing that I know to do.  I made my mom's prize winning lemon bars and we walked over to our neighbors to share them.  We visited with them for a few minutes and became acquainted.  I've also met a few other neighbors in our journeys around our neighborhood.

After our few encounters I realized how extremely special neighbors are.  Our neighbors are rarely people we would meet in our normal day to day experiences, yet they are people that we see almost daily.  If we don't see them, we see their homes and think of them.

Essentially, we live with our neighbors.  We see their comings and goings, we see what happens around our homes.  We are closest if there is trouble or a need.  We can always be the cheerful greeting down the street.  I feel blessed to have nice neighbors.  I feel blessed to have neighbors.

Growing up our closest neighbor lived a half mile away.  We knew of their kids and their cats.  We didn't visit all the time, but we were there for each other if it was ever needed.  I still remember our special neighbor.  She let my brother and I play in the tree house on her property and always welcomed us in for a visit.

Neighbors aren't our friends.  They are our neighbors.  They are special and get to have their own category.  If neighbors become our friends or friends become our neighbors we are doubly blessed.

Pink Story: Being Still

“Thank Me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. . . Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these circumstances. .  . Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you.  Do not despise these simple ways of seeing Me. . . My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness.”  - Jesus Calling

These words reminded me to find things to be thankful for while recovering from surgery and receiving radiation treatment.  I had to learn to slow down and enjoy the quiet, enjoy the moments of sitting, and soak in the moments of rest.  I had to learn to do what I could and be okay with not doing what I couldn’t.  One day towards the end of December, I sat with my youngest and helped her with her homework.  I didn’t rush away.  I was wholly present.  Most days I would have already gone to bed, but I found the energy to help her and was blessed with special time with my little one.

I was thankful for the help I was getting from others and was learning how to sit back and accept the gifts of time and energy that those around me offered.  

I was aware then and am still aware now that I only operate and achieve anything by the grace of God.  I have no strength of my own.  God gives me everything I need to accomplish what I need to each day.  It is only through Him that I am victorious.  

Cloth Napkins

When you come to my home I will give you a cloth napkin.  The reason is not why you think.

Many years ago, when my girls were babies, we had very little money.  I was a creative grocery shopper.  I bought food to make very economical meals.  We had baked potatoes and canned chili, macaroni and cheese from a box, and anything else I could purchase with just a few dollars.  One day while calculating my budget and crossing items off my grocery list, I noticed I was out of money, but I still had napkins on the list.  A package of napkins cost about $1.50.  That may not seem like much, but it was too much at the time.  I didn't have $1.50.  I remembered my husband's grandma had given us some cloth napkins when we got married.  They were pink.  One set was designed like a picture frame: the light pink was on the inside and the dark pink on the outside.  The other set had 3 inch pink flowers on them.  I decided we would simply use those until I could afford paper ones again.

Twenty years later, I still can't bring myself to spend money on napkins even though we can now afford it.  We have a drawer of different colored cloth napkins, some are homemade, some are bought from a store, many are gifts, and I still have the original pink set from Grandma.  Some of the napkins match our home decor, but most don't.  I love that I simply wash them and use them again.  I don't have to pay for them, throw them away, then buy more.  Early on, my girls learned to fold by folding napkins.  Any 2-year old can easily fold a napkin.

So when you come to visit don't be surprised by my cloth napkins.  I didn't bring out the special decor. These colorful, well used cloth napkins are how we normally operate.  If I have them, I may as well use them. I don't want you to think I'm putting on a show for your visit.  This is how we live and it is how we have lived for as long as my girls can remember.

If I had fancy dishes, I would use those every day too.  I would want to see them and enjoy them and let others enjoy them.

Some people like paper plates, some people like paper napkins, some people like to use the special stuff on special days and the plain stuff the other days.  Whatever you use is wonderful.  It is more important who you are and how you welcome your guests than the material of your dishes and napkins.

I welcome you to come visit someday.  Whether you have dinner or simply a cup of coffee, I will share a cloth napkin with you and you can know I am treating you as one of my family, getting the very best every time.