Best Stories

The best stories come from affliction not ease.

When I have a great week, it is wonderful, but a great week doesn't make a great story.  When everything goes your way and all is well the story is simply a happy ending with nothing else.

The best stories come when we have affliction or difficulty in our lives and we overcome it.  I had a rough weekend a little while ago.  I had four different short stories that came out of that weekend. Those few days took every ounce of my energy and every part of my spirit to be victorious.  I was. And the story of my victory over my struggle was much more exciting than the story of a sweet and easy weekend.

I don't like to have difficulty.  I don't like to have bad days.  I don't like it when everything is an uphill battle, but when I overcome those difficulties, when I make it to the end of a bad day and when I finally crest the top of the mountain I get to see what I have overcome.  I get to see the journey and how I am stronger for completing it.

Think of your favorite book, television show or movie.  It is your favorite because it has a good story. It tells a story of overcoming hardship.  It tells a story of overcoming sorrow.  It tells a story of strength in the midst of sorrow and pain. You like it because someone is victorious over the difficulties life throws at us.

The reason I have something to say to you so often is because I am daily overcoming.  I am daily fighting a battle of health and peace. I am daily looking for a way to be me, to positively influence others and become the best person I can be no matter what is trying to take me down. I live my story because I have more difficult days than easy ones.  I thank God for the easy ones that give me a break from the tough ones.  I thank God that the tough ones won't last forever.

Victory is always just over the horizon if we keep moving and are willing to get back up when we are knocked down.

Orange Story: Surprise Saturday

I remember the end of my breast cancer journey the best and I remember the beginning of my MS journey the best.  Here is the beginning:

Friday, January 23, 2015 was a very productive day.  It had been almost 2 years since my last radiation treatment.  I wasn't feeling the drag on my energy and my life anymore.  On this day, I cleaned my house, watched a movie, had 2 meetings, exercised, and took my dog for a long walk.  It felt good to be productive and to enjoy it.

That evening my daughters and I played Just Dance.  The 3 of us danced in the basement for hours and had a great time.  I worked hard to match the dancer on the screen so I could win.  I didn't make a big deal about it, but I was good at winning.  I'm not sure I was good at dancing, but I knew how to get points. I felt amazing!

I woke up on Saturday morning drooling and lacking the power to keep the drool from spilling down my chin.  Brushing my teeth was tricky, the toothpaste kept falling out of my mouth.  I giggled a little, not completely aware of all that was happening.  It wasn't until I tried to talk that I noticed the real problem.  There was a weakness in my lips preventing me from controlling them.  I couldn't form words. I later realized it was the entire left side of my face.  It wouldn't move.  I was sitting in a chair doing a Sudoku puzzle, carefully drinking my coffee and assuring my husband this couldn't be too bad because I was still actively using my brain.

He looked worried.  He kept asking me how I was doing.  I thought it would get better.  He knew something was wrong.  I simply felt a little funky.  I don't think I thought it would go away.  I was certain I would end up at the doctor, but I was relaxed about it, probably because I couldn't look at myself and see what was happening.

We went to Urgent Care.  As soon as they saw my sagging face, they sent me to the ER.  Everyone kept saying it was probably Bell's Palsy.  It goes away after a few days, they said.  However, there were some inconsistencies.  My face wasn't numb.  I could still feel it, I just couldn't move it.  I had not had a virus previous to this.  Usually Bell's Palsy is brought on by a virus.

Because of my medical history (breast cancer and a father with MS) they decided to do an MRI just to be sure. They were not pleased with the results.  There were some lesions in my brain.  They said they could be caused by cancer or MS.  They believed it was more likely MS and I was immediately scheduled with a neurologist on Monday morning.

Ruined Routines

I've come across a number of people who tell me because something is different everything is ruined.

Traditions seem to get thrown out quickly when things don't go as planned.  The family was supposed to get together, but since one person can't make it, all is ruined.  The family was supposed to be at so and so's house.  Since they're ill and they have to have it somewhere else, all is ruined.

I used to work at a department store.  I had to work holidays.  It was part of the job.  Traditions couldn't be kept.  My husband and I quickly learned that special moments are when you make them, they are not a date on the calendar.

Traditions are made from special moments and special people that we want to keep close.  They can change.  New ones can be created.  Old ones can fall away.  The most important thing is that the people you care about know that you care about them and you make time for them.

When the schedule doesn't go as planned, we take another look at the schedule and rearrange.  We don't throw the whole event out.

Cancer and MS have changed everything for me.  Everything will always be different than I imagined. It was only in searching for the blessings that I pulled out of that slump.  I couldn't focus on the changed routines and rituals, but on what I still had and the blessings that hadn't changed.

Pink Story: Live Truth

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on October 1, 2012.  I had a lumpectomy on November 12, 2012.  I spent the next December and January receiving radiation treatment.  As soon as my treatment was over I had a bad reaction to something that happened to me and my face swelled up like a party balloon.  As the swelling went down and my body began to try to heal from the radiation treatment, I found myself daily being thankful for the health I had and that each moment I was getting healthier.  I kept track of each thing I was able to do that I hadn’t done before.  I celebrated daily.

At the end of the most difficult part of the journey and the beginning of the healing process, I wrote:

I’m getting there.  This journey has helped me see the truth of me and my world and my role in it.  Without this journey, I would still be lost or blind or both.

I was learning to write the truth, telling myself the truth and being okay with it.  Reality doesn’t change just because you don’t want to believe it’s reality.  

I was in that place of choice.  I was finished with all the really crazy parts of breast cancer.  I was at a place where I could make a choice.  I could choose to be a part of the breast cancer community, go to groups and fundraisers and such or I could pretend it didn’t happen, it was not a part of me and only remember when I have an appointment.

I believe if I chose to forget I would be lying to myself and cheating myself of growth and revelation.  Yes, the worst was over.  Yes, they couldn’t heal me any more than they did, but the experience had still formed me and put its stamp on me.  If I ignored that transformation I would be ignoring a piece of myself.

Truth is knowing oneself and accepting oneself, scars and all.  My story may inspire someone, but not if I ignore it.  My story may empower me, but not if I pretend it never happened.  My story may encourage someone, but not if I don’t tell it.

My story doesn’t end here.  I had days where I felt amazing and days where I was tired and weary.  My body still surprised me by having unexpected issues whenever it wanted.  Daily, I fought the mental battle to stand, to run, to move forward even if I didn’t feel like it.  Daily, I celebrated what I could do and accepted what I couldn’t.  Most of the time I didn’t believe my limitations would be forever which made it easier to move forward one day at a time.  

It has been almost 5 years since my diagnosis.  This is the point where the doctors stop seeing me regularly.  It is good news.  I am cancer free.  I am not free of the experience or the effects on my mind and body.  I hope people who go through difficult times like this take it easy on themselves, give themselves room to rest and to heal and remember that it is okay to have a bad day and it is okay to let others help.

Weary

During my cancer battle I often had weeks where I didn't get a lot of sleep.  Even if I did get sleep, my body would still feel tired.  Tired for me meant that I might fall asleep while driving in the middle of the day.  I had moments where finding the words to say wouldn't come because of how weary I was.

During my radiation treatment when I fought falling asleep in the car or went to bed at 6:30 in the evening, someone asked how I was doing.  I answered that I was tired.  I said it with deep meaning (in my mind).  They shut me down by saying they were tired too. They said everyone was tired.  I realized I needed a new word. My tired today is not the same word I used before cancer or MS.

Today's tired is deep in my bones, yes, my bones are tired.  My eyes are weary from forcing themselves open all day.  If I relax, I will sleep.  I pull and push myself around all day so that by the end of the day I have worn every part of myself out.

I'm not sure today's tired compares with "having a baby" tired or "running after toddlers" tired.  I think most of that was physical.  Today's tired is mind, body, spirit tired.  I definitely need a new word.  I can't say exhausted, that has been over used. There is run-down, worn-out, weary. . . that's a good one. I could start telling people I'm weary.  I doubt they'd say they were weary too.  Weary could mean physical or emotional.  Weary does sound like I might collapse as if on a long journey.  I'll try it. . . or I'll lie and say I'm fine.

I'm thankful God came for the weary.

Pink Story: Find the Right Place for a "But"

I'm getting better.  My balloon face is gone.  The wrinkles are in full effect just like a deflated balloon with its stretched out wrinkles.  My body is trying to heal the damage done to my breast and the surrounding areas from surgery and radiation.  The healing is painful, but I'm thankful it's healing.

I realized, if I let it, this experience of cancer, surgery, radiation treatment and everything else that entailed has taught me to be eons less concerned with perfection than I previously was.

First, I was weak and tired from pneumonia.  I couldn't keep up with the house.  I was sore and limited from surgery, I couldn't do anything around the house.  People would come over and see dirt and clutter when in the past I would have cleaned it up.

Second, radiation and its mandatory no bra, no shaving the armpit, swollen breast era made me way less concerned about my appearance.  I dressed in layers, didn't look as thin and definitely didn't have a flattering figure.

Finally, the allergic era, it took away all vanity about my face.  When your face resembles a puffer fish, your eyes are playing peek-a-boo, and in the healing process you peel like a sunburnt elephant, one begins to be less concerned about one's looks.

Perhaps after all this, I will be more relaxed, less vain and more gracious with myself.  Perhaps I will have learned something if I don't forget my lessons.  I feel that I'm at a place where I could easily choose the thankful path.  In all things there is something to complain and whine about, but there is equally something to be thankful for.  I can always be thankful no matter the situation that my face has not become a party decoration.  I can always be thankful I am not in burning, fire-y pain.  I can always be thankful for people who love and care for me.  I can be thankful for my home, my transportation, my dogs.  I can be thankful I can walk, see, hear, speak, and feel.  No matter the situation there is much to be thankful for.

I know this has been preached before.  I don't think most of us believe it.  I think we say, "I know, I should be thankful for . . ." But really, we feel better when we get to complain in the moment.  We get annoyed with people who say, "at least you're not . . ."  What does that annoying-ness do to our disposition.  We become cranky old farts at the age of 40 and all our friends stay away.  Or, we find the silver lining and sing about it like a Disney princess making everyone think we've turned into a cartoon character.  I don't know anyone who hates cartoons as a rule.

Perhaps being a positive, thankful, whimsical cartoon character is equivalent to having a joyful, light-hearted attitude.  I want to remember this.  My face itches, but I'm so glad its not 5 times bigger.  My boob hurts, but I'm so thankful I have no more radiation treatments.  My house is filthy, but I'm thankful my family doesn't really care.

I was told once the word, "but," erases everything you said before it.  Usually people say, "I love you, but . . ." I'm going to do it the other way around.  I don't have to be blind to reality, I can recognize it and yet, choose to focus on the amazing.  For example, sometimes life can be shitty, but I'm glad I'm alive.  What a great place to put a "but."

Power Outage

The power is out.  It is January 21, 2013.  It has been out since 4:00 am.  Three and half hours later and we are still huddled in front of the fire surrounded by candles.  School has been cancelled.  The power is out there also and it is below 20 degrees outside.

I am grateful for the day home.  The only thing I really miss is my coffee.  There is no hum of electricity.  There are no bright lights from the gas station signs down the street, we are in no hurry to turn on television or computers.  It is immensely peaceful.  Of course, any place more than 20 feet from the wood stove is freezing so we are finding things to do by the fire.

This power outage makes me think, like all power outages do, is all our stuff really necessary? Is it really progress?  Let's just take phones, for example.  Before phones there was mail.  If you wanted to speak with someone you sat down, wrote a letter, placed a stamp on it and took it to the post office.  In a few days your message would reach its recipient.  They would write you a letter in return.  About a week from the sending of your letter, you received a response.

The alternative to letter writing was putting on your shoes and coat and going to that person's house. They would stop what they were doing, you would both have some coffee and chat for a while.  When your visit was finished, you would go home.

Both of these means of communication took time and effort.  One had to make a conscious effort to get in touch with a friend.

Today, there is minimal effort.  You can call while you are driving, you can text during a meeting, you can send out one blanket message that all your friends can see at once.

There are benefits to today's communication technology.  I love being able to call my mom or far away friends anytime.  The speed and ease with which I can get in touch with someone is wonderful.  Using the new technology doesn't mean I need to throw out the old.  I shouldn't forget to write letters to friends or to visit friends' homes.  Taking time and effort to show someone you care still holds value. Just because I texted good morning doesn't mean I'm keeping in touch.  Time and effort.  Anything worth anything or anybody worth anything deserves time and effort.

We spend hours every day watching television.  What could we accomplish task-wise or relationship-wise if we turned the television off?  What great things could we add to our lives if we did instead of watched?

The real question is, am I willing to give up these conveniences?  Am I willing to do the hard work of living without distraction?  How much more life would I live?  How much more joy would I have? How much more peace would I find?

Pink Story: Thankful for Wrinkles

I left the doctor’s office with a prescription for steroids.  I was still in intense pain.  I had ice packs on my face all day long.  I literally laid my face on an ice pack.  I took one with me on my trip to the doctor.  I began driving down the road holding this giant white ice pack on my face.  I quickly found that wasn’t going to work, not because people were probably looking at me because I looked crazy, but because it wasn’t very safe.  I had a difficult time seeing and I was driving on cold roads with one hand.  Realizing that it was 34 degrees outside, I rolled down the window.  I hate to be cold.  It can be 80 degrees outside and if the air feels chilly, I will roll up the windows, but here I was driving with my windows down in 34 degree weather and I wasn’t cold at all due to the burning of my face.

I went to the pharmacy.  I walked in with my balloon face and picked up some steroids.  The pharmacist was very empathetic and hoped I would get better soon.  I drove home with the window open anticipating my ice pillow when I got home.  

The steroids worked.  The puffiness started to go down.  I was getting better. After a couple of doses of steroids I found a wrinkle on my face.  Oh, the joy at finding a wrinkle under my eye.  I had no wrinkles on my face all week.  I had been a balloon like what Shrek and Fiona did to the snake and the frog.  I am thankful for wrinkles.  I am thankful I can feel the pain in my breast again.  (The pain in my face distracted me from my radiation burning breast.)  I am thankful I can open my eyes.  I am thankful I will be able to go back to work.  I need to remember this.  I need to remember what the opposite of health feels like so that I will be thankful for my health and not squander my energy.  I need to remember how horrible it feels to give my students a substitute when I am not prepared for one on days when I simply don’t want to go to school.

This event reminded me not to take my health or energy for granted.  Please don’t let me forget when I am tempted to squander it all in laziness.  I was so miserable before the medication kicked in.  I couldn’t even read or write.  I spent the morning with an ice pack over my whole face.  I was so blessed to be writing again.  I was blessed to be enjoying the warm fire.  I was thankful I had a nice shower and got dressed.  I want to remember to be thankful!

Dream House

Almost 5 years ago, my husband was itching to leave the area we live in.  It is cold and depressing here in the winter and each winter he talked about moving.  In this particular year, he wanted me to think about moving to Hawaii.  At the moment I was in the midst of radiation treatment for cancer and the thought of moving was overwhelming.  Also, I didn't want to live in Hawaii.  Everything I knew was already close by.

After talking with him for a while, I realized that our conversation wasn't about moving to Hawaii, it was about dreaming.  We needed to continue dreaming of what we saw in our future.  So I did. Ignoring the concerns of a grown up, I dreamed of my dream home.

"The home isn't too big or too small.  It is open, colorful and bright.  It is full of useful and colorful things.  Very few thing gather dust for the sake of gathering dust.  There is plenty of storage for things we care about and no room for clutter or things we don't use.

"There is a lot of outdoor space.  There is space to have a fire at night.  There is a space for sitting and reading or visiting with friends.  There is a lot of native vegetation coloring the scene.  The view is something we could look at forever.

"On any typical day we are outside for 80% of it.  On a typical day we don't hurry.  We know most of the people we see and are willing to stop and have real conversations with them.

"Some family comes every couple of months.  They rest and enjoy the land.  They visit more now than ever before.  I am healthy because I run regularly.  I bike everywhere.  We've adopted the local culture and traditions and are enjoying being part of something bigger than us."

I read this today.  I wrote it in January 2013.  We didn't move to Hawaii, but most of that dream has come true.  The home we moved to this summer fits the description of the home in my dream.  It is smaller than our old one and we've had more visitors since moving here.  We aren't outside for 80% of the day, but we enjoy being outside more than we used to.  We do enjoy and talk to our neighbors and we have a community that we consider family.

No matter how old we are we should dream.  God knew my heart and gave me my dream.  Hawaii seems amazing, but I couldn't leave the people that I have come to love here.  I was still able to have my dream and stay here.  My husband isn't itching to leave anymore either.  We didn't have to move 3000 miles away, only 20 miles.

We are blessed and I am thankful that at 40, our dreams can still come true.

Pink Story: Puffy Face

My pain woke me up at 1:30 in the morning.  I shouldn’t claim the pain, it’s not mine.  It was a pain in my face that could only be described as burning, worse than any sunburn I’ve ever had.  The only relief I could find was under a cool, wet washcloth.  I stayed home from work to see the doctor.  I still could have done my job, but it would have been at the expense of my health.

I was scared that the doctor wouldn’t know how to fix me.  I was afraid they would say it was still a reaction to the drugs and I needed to wait longer.  I needed to be all better, no pain, no puffiness.

This week was supposed to be the beginning of my healing, instead, it became the beginning of what felt like the worst experience so far.  My face was swollen like I was allergic to bee stings and I got stung by a one the size of a hummingbird.  My eyes were squinty.  I had to use forehead muscles to open them.  The skin on my cheeks was dry and stretched.  I could sand a piece of wood by rubbing it back and forth on my cheek.  My mouth was squeezed in by my plump cheeks as if I was pursing my lips or preparing for a kiss.  All of this caused throbbing pain from my forehead to my chin.

I had no body image issues with a scarred or lumpy breast from a lumpectomy.  This puffy face made me want to wear a mask.  I felt ugly enough to be cast in a batman movie.  

I was tired of having physical problems.  I was weary of constant pain.  I wanted to be fixed.  I simply wanted someone to make me better.  I didn’t consider a balloon face would be a side effect to anything they did to my boob.  I had surgery to remove the cancer and radiation treatment on the affected area. My face was never involved in any of this.  I understood the pain in my arm, my chest, even my back, but not my face.  I guess I hadn’t dealt with my vanity yet.  I had to be hideous for a week.  I’m sure smiling made me look better, but I didn’t want to smile, I didn’t want anyone looking at me.  I thought about wearing a ski mask or letting my hair hang in my face.  My wish: “Oh, to escape would be bliss.”

Pain with Grace

I am immensely proud of my oldest daughter.  She recently got braces on.  As expected, she was in a lot of pain for the first few days.  For the first 2 days she couldn't chew anything.  She tried to eat oatmeal.  She had to place it in the back of her throat and try to swallow it.  It took her so long to eat that once she finished a meal, it was time to start the next one.  She was getting pale and faint from dealing with the pain and the lack of food.

During all of this she never complained.  She never had a bad attitude.  She rarely told us how she was feeling unless we asked.  She continued to try to help around the house.  She continued to do her homework.  She continued to do everything she normally did.  We had to tell her to take things easy. She handled everything with grace.

She is an amazing young woman.  A piece of me wonders if she handled her difficult time so wonderfully because she has watched me handle difficulties the same way for the past 5 years.  I think a bit of it is simply the way she is built, but if my actions have molded her at all then my hardships were worth seeing my 16 year old handle her own hardships with grace and ease.  I am proud of her.

Pink Story: Last Day of Radiation

The rash began to spread.  It was sneaking to the other side of my chest, up to my collar bone, down my ribs and towards my back.  I didn't know what caused it, but I hoped it would go away soon.

Two days after I noticed the rash spreading I got very itchy.  My chest, my legs, my ears, my face. . . everything was itchy.  It felt like ants were crawling all over me.  This was my last day of radiation.  It would all be over soon.  The cancer diagnosis came in October, the surgery came in November, radiation took up all of December and January.  As January came to a close so did everything they needed to do to me.  From now on, I would simply get better.  At least, that was my plan.

The next morning I felt like a blow fish.  My face was swollen and puffy.  I was reacting to something.  The doctor thought it was the antibiotics she gave me for the rash.  It could have been the Benedryl I took the other night.  It doesn't matter which it was.  My eyes were squinty and my cheeks were puffy.  

I think my body decided it was done.  It was finished fighting all the foreign stuff and had given up.  The best plan I could think of was to keep all foreign material away for a time.

On a positive note, my radiation was finished.  The technicians called me one of the nice ones and they were sad I was finished.  I'm glad I was positive.  I wouldn't have wanted to make their day more difficult.  I also found out my radiation oncologist is telling other patients about this teacher who got so tired from treatment she went home from work and went to bed (yes, that was me).  I surely made my mark.  I had no idea that my situation wasn’t typical.  I had no idea I would be an encouragement for others; they could say at least they didn’t experience what I did or perhaps it was a caution that things could get difficult.

I am thankful for the healing and safe keeping.  I am thankful the swelling is going down in my face.  I trust that I will continue to heal.  I’m thankful that the damaging part is finally finished.

Fitness Goals

Someone asked me what my fitness goals were the other day.  The options they gave me were maintenance and gaining more muscle.  I realized, after I was asked that question, that it was a difficult question to answer.  When I workout my only goal is to become better. If I'm running, I hope to become a better and faster runner.  If I'm lifting weights, I hope to lift a bit more.  If I'm doing a workout that I've done before, I hope that I will do it better than the last time I did it.  I simply want to be better than I was before.

As I thought about my answer to the question, I realized it is something that I try to or should try to achieve in every aspect of my life.  Each day, with each task or each moment, I should be becoming a little bit better.

I should be a better wife each day I learn a little bit more about my husband.  I should be a better mother each day I know my girls more.  I should be a better teacher each day that I learn a new strategy or trick.  I should be a better friend as I get to know my friends and understand them more.  I should be a stronger person after going through the fire.  I should be a healthier person each time I exercise.

So the answer to the question about my goals is that each moment I want to be stronger, faster, healthier, and wiser than the day before and I will do whatever I can to get to that place.

Pink Story: Traveling a Mountain Range

The rash from radiation was all over my chest, under my armpit and on my ribs.  It itched terribly and ached on top of that.  I was thankful that this was happening at the end of my treatment.  I knew all these difficulties would be over soon because my radiation treatment would be over soon.  I had 3 days left to go.  I looked forward to the end of treatment, but I knew it wasn’t really the end.  Things would continue to be difficult.  However, I knew this would be the beginning of healing and the beginning of being whole again.  Healing means each day I should be in less pain, have less weariness and be a little stronger.  

This whole journey was like a mountain range.  I began to climb a mountain.  I reached the top, felt victorious then would head down the other side.  As I reached the bottom another mountain loomed before me that I steadily climbed, carefully putting one foot in front of another.  I stopped to rest a lot on this journey, mentally and physically.  The rest gave me enough strength to take a few more steps.  

During this time I was reading Pilgrim’s Progress. In the book, there is a character named Christian who is on a spiritual journey.  When he stops to rest, he loses something very important.  When I read that, it sounded like he was being punished for resting.  I don’t think God does that.  His Word says that He will give us rest which means He will give us that needed reprieve, but I also think it means that when we need to rest, He welcomes us to rest.  He encourages us to sit in the quiet with Him and gather our strength to continue our journey.  God is not a workaholic.  He is gentle and gracious with us.  He would like us to faithfully walk the path before us, but He doesn’t ask us to walk until our feet bleed.

Judgement

I'm scared of judgement.  I'm not scared of lawful judgement.  I'm scared of individual's judgement about me.  I'm scared of the judgements they think and never share with me.  I'm scared of how they question my actions without saying a word to me.

I'm happy to talk to you about what I'm doing.  I'm happy to explain why I leave work as soon as I'm able.  I happy to explain why I only check work email at work.  I'm happy to explain why my new church is a CrossFit gym.  I'd love to tell you why my new home is more than a new house and why it was necessary for our family to move into it.  I'll eagerly explain why I'm tired in the summers.  I can tell all about why I eat the way I do.  I can give you an explanation about why I write.  I would love to tell you some of the reasons why my daughters are amazing.

Please don't judge my actions based on what you see.  Please don't assume my actions have a reason I didn't give them.  Ask me, I'll tell you all about it.  The judging look that just passed through your eyes is painful.  I know you are thinking and putting things together, but you won't say anything to me. Later, I will hear that you were talking about me with someone else.  I have no way to defend or explain myself when you talk about me with others.  Please talk to me and I will let you know anything you want.  I will warn you, when the judgement look passes through your eyes, I will probably stop sharing so much because whatever I say will not bring clarity, but more judgement.

I suppose I should remember that people will be judged with the same measure that they judge.  It doesn't make the pain go away.  I'm doing the best I can and I'm doing what I know and believe is best for me.

Pink Story: Shaking to Find Perspective

At the moment when I had 4 days of radiation left I began to feel like I was going to make it through the situation.  I was ready to begin healing.  I was excited to be on the healing path.

They had begun doing the booster for my radiation treatment which meant they would only treat the area where the cancer was and not my entire left side.  That meant that part of my body could begin to heal.  I was beginning to get a rash all over the treated area.  The cream I put on it was helping, but I was definitely ready to be done damaging it.  It was wonderful to know that from this point on, I would be getting better.  I was hoping that I would heal unnaturally quickly.

At this point in my journey, I felt emotionally stronger than I was last fall when the journey began.  I felt like it took a lot more to stress me out.  I was currently taking things with ease that would have previously ruffled my feathers.  I hoped the change was permanent.  I liked having smooth feathers.

It's unfortunate that it takes a good shaking of our lives for us to truly get our priorities straight.  I wonder if anyone has figured out how to put life and all it's demands into perspective without a little shaking.  Of course, in my situation I tend to like to control things and I am definitely not in control here.

Be True to You

Recently I had a pep talk with myself.  I had to remind myself to be me and not try to fit into someone else's box or apologize for being who I am.

I shouldn't need to have this talk with myself.  At the age of 40 I should be able to confidently walk through my life.  I should care very little what others may think about what I choose to do, but I still battle with this.  I fall into old habits, especially with people who knew me more than 20 years ago.

I do what I do each day for very specific reasons.  The activities I choose not to do are also for very specific reasons.  I wonder if people who don't know me well apply their own reasons to my actions and misunderstand me.  As I wonder about what others think, it can affect my actions.  I may question myself, apologize for myself, or change what I am doing.

I didn't want to have this talk with myself.  I wanted to confidently be who I am, not apologize for who I am or change myself.  I always want to move confidently forward.  If someone wonders about my actions they can ask me.  They can tell me their thoughts.  If they have decided to put reasons to my actions that are not my own it doesn't have to affect me.  I will continue to be who I am.  What they think about my actions doesn't change who I know that I am.

I know this being seems easy, but it isn't.  I should be able to be, but I have to remind myself.  I have to consciously remind myself to walk in my own shoes and be true to who I am and what I believe in and what I know is good for me.  Hopefully after a few more of these pep talks and a little more practice, I will simply be able to walk and not need to remind myself to simply be.

Pink Story: Blisters

On January 17, 2013 I met with a social worker who is a part of the cancer support system.  After talking to him, I realized that I was coping with all that was happening to me quite well.  I would feel overwhelmed, then I would write and God would walk me through the fire.

Two days later I woke up with extreme pain and blisters on my breast.  Whenever anything touched it, it burned.  When something hurt I simply wanted to lie still until the pain went away, but I had plans to finally put away Christmas ornaments that day and couldn't simply sit.

On this day when I was very near the end of my radiation treatment a new problem arose.  The treatment was wreaking havoc with my skin.  Yet, on this day I wrote that I felt blessed and at peace. The house was a mess, I was tired and sore, but those things didn't determine my state of mind.  I was cared for, loved and surrounded by people who saw me and not my "stuff."

Cancer took a toll on my mind and my body.  Radiation continued to take more of a toll on me. Somehow, I continually found my feet and kept walking.  I found the blessings in the storm and focused on those things.  I thought about what was most important and let everything else slide away.