Whispers

One of the battles I deal with daily is wondering what people are saying about me.  I know about the phrase that people probably aren't saying anything at all.  I wonder, when people treat me differently, if they are having conversations about my decisions behind my back.  I wonder, when people's actions change, what has been said while I'm not around.  When they talk about others behind their backs, I know there is a chance they talk about me.

I am not innocent of this.  I've been working hard to tell people what I am thinking and ask them questions about what is going on in their lives rather than make assumptions.  I try to be upfront and honest, but fear of other's responses, caution to not overstep, and my own shyness often cause me to hold my tongue.  It is important that if I choose to hold my tongue I don't loose it later when that person is no longer around.

I believe strongly that my actions and my true character will ultimately defend me from those who speak untrue things about me.  I believe, as they share those negative words, the listeners will think about who they know me to be and decide for themselves, based on evidence, whether those words are true or not and not simply believe because it is easy.

As I stand firm in my position and work to have a true and good character no matter what anyone says, I still find myself fearing people are talking about me behind my back.  I fear they are sharing one-sided stories without considering my side.

I remember feeling this way when I was sick.  It didn't matter if I had cancer or a fresh MS diagnosis, people often looked shocked I didn't look worse.  Their surprised, "You look good!"  implied I wasn't really that sick since I didn't look sick.  People forget we want to put on our best face.  I will feel horrible and relax my smile when I am alone.  When I am with you I will put on a positive and strong face.

My family has been through a number of difficult moments ranging the entire gamut of problems.  Each time we overcame a new difficulty, we made decisions about our lives that made sense for us in our season.  Our decisions may not have made sense to anyone else.  Others may have looked at us and thought we were making a large mistake or a poor decision or we would regret our actions.  Honestly, during all those situations there were very few people who told us any of those things.  I know they thought it, but no one said a word.   First, if people share their doubts, we are given an opportunity to explain ourselves.  Our explanation may remove other's doubts or we may stop and think about our decision and be certain it is wise.

We bought a house after only being married for 3 years, with one teacher income to support us.  No one told us our decision might not be completely wise. 

We sold everything we could and prepared to move to Canada to start a church.  We made it 40 miles down the road and bought another house instead.  A few people supported us completely.  The rest didn't speak, in fact, they stopped speaking to us altogether.  We learned who our true friends were. 

We started going to CrossFit.  Plenty of people gave us the stink-eye about that.  We stopped attending a physical church.  I still have people who judge us about that, but they've never asked why.

We had a list of reasons for all these decisions.  We talked about it, we prayed about it.  Today, there are people who whispered behind our backs for each of these decisions.  There are others who stayed by our side and supported us because they cared about us no matter what decisions we were in the middle of making.

What is my point?

You can't keep people from talking about you.  You can stop people from gossiping about your life and your decisions.  You can't affect change on those who stand by and doubt and question your actions.  But you can be the person who doesn't do these things.

You can be the person who doesn't entertain judgments about other people.  You can be the person who looks to your neighbors character above everything else.  You can be honest and real in the face of doubt and pretense.  You can stand tall whenever you feel others are trying to knock you down.

We just celebrated Thanksgiving.  Daily, I was thankful I could walk, cook dinner, play games and participate with my family and friends, all things I couldn't do a year ago.  I am thankful for the special people I shared the day with.  I'm thankful for the blessings I couldn't count because they are too numerous.  I am also thankful for the people in my life that are real, honest and accepting of me and all my imperfections.  I don't pretend to be perfect or have it all together.  I hope I never sound like I am.  I have plenty of doubts, fears and questions.  I try to be honest with you, it is something I am daily working on improving.

I fear what certain readers will think or say.  I fear people will stop reading.  I fear people will look at me differently or treat me differently because I tried to be a little more honest.

I hope you can see beyond each other's facade.  I hope you can see the real person buried underneath and work to encourage that person to come out.  Let them know it is safe to be themselves.  You won't judge them or talk about them.  You will talk to them and stand by their side.

Money Plant

We have quite a few plants in our house.  We used to have about 5 Heartleaf Philodendrons.  We were free to ignore them until they began to wilt and whither.  Those wilting leaves told me it was time to water them and they would graciously come back to life.   We  tried to send them to my husband's classroom and they ended up freezing in the car.  

After some research confirmed the health benefits of having certain plants in your house to take up the toxins in the air we bought some new plants.  These ones weren't as forgiving as the Heartleaf Philodendrons.  They required good light and regular water.  

We've been living in our house for over a year now.  We have two Money Trees, a Peace Lily, a Palm and a Snake Plant.  It has only been the last 4 months that these plants began to thrive.  We finally found the optimal place for them where they got the exact amount of light they needed and discovered the right amount of water.  We set a day to water so we wouldn't forget.   

These plants have grown 3 times their original size and haven't shown any signs of stopping.  

We gave them light from the beginning, but until it was the amount of light they needed, they struggled to grow.  We gave them water, but until we gave them enough water so they never felt lacking, they became healthy for moments, then weak. 

Those plants are a reminder to seek out our optimal environments for our growth.  We want to do more than survive.  We want to do more than thrive one day and struggle to stand the next.  We want to grow to our fullest potential and have our greatest strength.

I'm still looking for that optimal environment.  I found it this summer.  I spent every moment of every day making choices that benefited my health.  Once school started and I began teaching again, I tried to stay healthy and make healthy choices, but my environment didn't always let me.  By the 3rd week in September I had a bad cold that lingered for 3 weeks.  I've noticed I gain weight throughout the week and lose it on the weekend.  The only factor that is different between weekdays and weekends is my job.  

I love my job.  I'm good at my job, but it is exhausting.  I've described it as running uphill on a treadmill at too fast a speed for 8 hours straight.  My mind and body don't get a break throughout the school day.  I'm doing everything in my power to educate 29 seven and eight year-olds, to motivate them to do all the things they don't want to do, to encourage them to work hard when all they want to do is nothing.  I have to know what I'm teaching, see all they are doing and motivate and engage them at the same time.  Many people find it exhausting to do these things with one child, I do it with 29 each day.

On top of the normal exhaustion that comes with teaching, I have MS.  As much as I'd like to ignore my MS and pretend I am capable of all I was capable of before, none of that is true.  By Wednesday, if I haven't managed my energy, I feel the weight of 10 semis on my shoulders.  My face is tired of talking and my brain struggles to find words.  I move slowly through my evening like I have spent 12 hours doing hard labor.  

So how do I find my optimal light and water so I can grow like my plants?  I don't know.  I'm still trying to find it. I give my students more responsibility so they work harder than me.  I try not to do unnecessary tasks.  I give my self flexible deadlines.  I let myself sit.  I go to bed as early as I need to.  I keep exercising.  I keep eating good food except that moment when all I want is chocolate and  no amount will satisfy me. 

Try to find the right light and water so you will grow and be strong and shine, but if you struggle, enjoy the moments when you thrive.  Keep track of what works and keep trying.  A dried out leaf signifies you need something more, not that you are dying.  

Look Behind You

This past week I kept remembering my situation a year ago. 

One year ago I had a herniated disc.  This disc was putting pressure on my sciatic nerve.  My sciatic nerve was firing so intensely I couldn't walk, stand or sit without tear-inducing pain.  I had to take a 6 week leave from teaching while I waited for my surgery date then spent 3 weeks recovering from surgery.   I was forced to spend my days in a recliner or lying on the floor in order to get any relief from the pain. 

Today I have none of these limitations.  I can do my job.  I can walk, even run.  I can freely exercise and function like a normal human being.  I remember that season a year ago.  I remember how painful and difficult it was.  I also remember I spent much of the time knowing my pain would end.  The pain, the immobility, and the limitations wouldn't last forever.  I kept telling myself this was only a season as I spent each day watching every possible show on Netflix.

Today, many of you are in pain.  Some pain is emotional, some physical, some spiritual.  Some of you have a date when the pain is scheduled to end or ease up, but most of you don't know when the pain will end.  You may be in a season, but no one has marked on the calendar when your season will end.  You can't see the end, you can only see where you are today and it hurts. 

I want to encourage you to keep moving.  When you can, look back at the journey you have already passed.  Look at the mountain you climbed.  Remember how steep and difficult it was, you made it.  Look at the mire you trudged through.  It was dirty, slow and you felt you might be stuck there indefinitely, but you made it through.  Remember that river.  It was cold and swift.  You had no choice but to swim across it.  Sometimes you felt strong, sometimes you were simply treading water and weren't moving forward at all, but you are here looking back on it now.  The sun glistens off the water taking away the feeling of dread you had when you were standing on its shores.  Remember the time you lost the trail.  You spent weeks walking in circles.  You had to climb over rocks and crawl under stumps.  You can clearly see the trail from here, but then, you felt lost and alone. 

No matter how difficult the journey looks right now, remember what you have already overcome.  Since those difficult parts of the journey are now behind you, they don't look as terrible and you now know you were strong enough to continue through them.  Gather your strength for the journey ahead from your victories from the journey you have left behind.  You are strong.  You are resourceful.  You are amazing.  I know this is difficult and scary.  I know you feel overwhelmed and defeated.  In those moments, take a moment to look behind you.  Let your past victories give you strength and hope and courage to keep walking.

A year ago I went through one of the most painful periods in my life.  I was suddenly forced to stop doing everything that defined my life.  I had to give up my classroom of second graders to someone else.  I had to give up the care of my home.  I couldn't even completely care for myself.  I was dependent on those around me while I waited for this difficult part of my journey to end.  I am thankful I can look back on that time and rejoice at all I can do today.  I am thankful I have almost fully retained my strength and mobility.  There are brief moments when I feel a hint of pain to remind me of what I have overcome.  It brings me back to my path and reminds me of the victories I have left behind.

New Normals

Normal is a difficult word.  It implies there is something typical and anything deterring from the typical is abnormal and perhaps not okay.

Numerous events in our lives bring us new normals: a marriage, a baby, a new home, a new job are a few of life's obstacles which will inevitably turn our expected schedules upside down.  We tend to adjust to these changes willingly, in part, because we often have a choice in them.  We say yes to the marriage, we plan for the baby, we pack up and move our belongings to the new home and we apply for the new job.

However, when the new normals are thrust upon us without our consent, we fight them a bit more. When disease sneaks into our lives or loved ones breathe their last and leave us, we morn.  These aren't situations we asked for.  We fight these moments or question them or both.

I am continually having conversations with myself about my new state of normal.  It has changed multiple times over the past 20 years.  The past 6 years have brought more health changes than I thought I would have to deal with in a lifetime.  I try to tell myself it is okay that I have less energy.  It is okay I can't accomplish the number of tasks I used to be able to accomplish.  It is okay I can't eat whatever I want.  It is okay I must exercise in order to have energy.  It is okay I must take rest days in order to function highly all the other days.  I try to remind myself not to get weary in the battle and not to be down on myself if I need to sink into a chair for a moment.

The culture I grew up with was one where you work.  You take care of the people and possessions around you no matter how you feel.  You don't sit and read a book for hours or watch a series of television shows in one sitting.  You pick up a broom and sweep the floor.  You work and are productive all the time.  It didn't take long for me to realize I couldn't maintain this lifestyle.  It also wasn't healthy.  It is healthy to take breaks and find peace.  It is healthy to say "no."  It is healthy to have balance in one's life.

The key to accepting these new normals is to stop comparing the one I am currently in to the one I have been in before.  I also must stop comparing my normal to the normals of others.  I am my own person with my own journey.  I have my own strengths and my own weaknesses.  I find my way down my path, sometimes making mistakes, sometimes celebrating victories.  I need to determine what each day will look like for me and proudly walk in it without guilt or question.  I need to celebrate my uniqueness and accept my differences.  I need to rejoice in my strengths and refrain from putting myself down, questioning my actions and repeating my list of "shoulds."  My list of "coulds" is long enough and it frees me up to make a choice without any feeling of obligation.

Each moment in my life is a choice.  I choose to enjoy and celebrate and accept rather than question and doubt and wonder what should be.  Bring on the day, normal or not.