I'm stubborn.
I was the first born and watched and copied all the adults around me. I followed the rules and expected everyone else to do the same. I was the first to draw inside the lines and the last to think outside the box.
I see things a certain way and don't understand why you don't see it that way too. I like my day to run smoothly and predictably. I can go with the flow when it comes to the big things, but when it comes to the day to day moments I can control (like the way the laundry is folded, how the dishes are put away and which towel is used for what), I like to have things my way. I realize this is not conducive to healthy relationships with other people since these tiny things are only important to me and no one else so I've been working on my stubbornness.
For as long as I can remember, at least my married life, I've tried to soften. I've tried not to care about those little things. My solution is I think about them in my head and notice them, but never speak of them and don't require those around me to change their ways. In the meantime, I see it all.
I like to be right and I usually am. I don't rub it in your face. I stop talking, knowing that eventually the proof will reveal itself and you will see I was right all along.
My stubbornness won't let you see me when I am crashing and need a couch more than anything. It also won't let me tell you I'm falling apart because I've learned that I should be strong. If I don't tell you I'm weak, I can fake it long enough to get to the moment where I'm alone, then I can rest and recover and next time I see you I won't have to fake it.
What if you see me weak, then you forget what I can handle and treat me like I'm weak all the time?
What if I'm wrong and you think I'm always wrong?
What if I show you my true self and you don't like me or can't handle all that I am?
I dig my heals in and put on my happy face and make peace with you so I don't have to risk any of my "what ifs."
I'm thankful for the few people I can be raw and real with. I'm thankful for the few people who have seen me at my worst and still see my strength. I'm thankful for the people who will tell me I'm being ridiculous. I'm thankful for the people who will be real with me.
I'm aware of my stubborn weakness like I am aware of my nose. Some days my stubbornness holds me back. Some days my stubbornness keeps me walking and gives me victory over my day.
I share this to be real with you, but I also want you to see how your weakness or perceived weakness can be your strength. It can be the engine that helps you win the race. Don't beat up yourself for the one thing you can't change. Choose to see how your weakness might be your strength.
Monday, October 29, 2018
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Lies
Why do we pretend for others?
Why do we put on our best face no matter what?
Why do we fake our feelings?
If we are having a bad day, we should feel free to share it and be honest and real with our friends. If we are having an amazing day, we should feel free to be excited about it with those we care about.
Instead, we moderate our feelings. Our bad day becomes okay. Our great day becomes good. That event we are terrified of gets ignored. The appointment we are excited about is kept quiet just in case it doesn't work out.
I watched a couple of movies with my girls recently where the main female character was unique, honest and confident in her uniqueness. She wasn't swayed by those around her. She had a positive outlook on life that drew everyone in and brought light to other's lives. I know this is a character in a movie and not a real person, but the question screams, "Why are we drawn to these characters? Why are these characters our favorites?"
My answer is because they are honest. Even if you take away the positive aspect and look at a character like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. We love his character because he is honest and real.
Why can't we be more honest? Why can't we be more real with one another? Why is it so difficult to wash away the fake smile and greetings that fill our list of "supposed to's?"
I am challenging myself to be more real each day. I believe I am better than I used to be, but I know I have plenty of room to grow. I'm trying to remember to tell you how much you mean to me and to give you an honest answer to your question rather than always deferring to what you want. You are asking me what I want because you want to know. I want to be better at stating my weaknesses and celebrating my strengths and accomplishments. I also want to be better at accepting your weaknesses and rejoicing in your strengths and accomplishments.
Sometimes, I get tired. Sometimes I get tired of always being polite or kind even when no one else is polite or kind. Sometimes I get tired of always being positive or cheerful or helpful. Sometimes I am simply tired. I want it to be okay to be tired. I want it to be okay to sit quietly. I want it to be okay to struggle. I want it to be okay to succeed.
Perhaps when we begin being completely honest with ourselves we will begin to be more honest with each other.
I want to challenge you to be honest. I want to challenge you to put your foot forward even if it isn't your best. I want to challenge you to be the unique person you were created to be and stop copying your neighbor. Walk proudly in your own shoes. Walk confidently on your own path.
Everyone will notice when you are uniquely you and perhaps they will be encouraged to be uniquely themselves as well.
Why do we put on our best face no matter what?
Why do we fake our feelings?
If we are having a bad day, we should feel free to share it and be honest and real with our friends. If we are having an amazing day, we should feel free to be excited about it with those we care about.
Instead, we moderate our feelings. Our bad day becomes okay. Our great day becomes good. That event we are terrified of gets ignored. The appointment we are excited about is kept quiet just in case it doesn't work out.
I watched a couple of movies with my girls recently where the main female character was unique, honest and confident in her uniqueness. She wasn't swayed by those around her. She had a positive outlook on life that drew everyone in and brought light to other's lives. I know this is a character in a movie and not a real person, but the question screams, "Why are we drawn to these characters? Why are these characters our favorites?"
My answer is because they are honest. Even if you take away the positive aspect and look at a character like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. We love his character because he is honest and real.
Why can't we be more honest? Why can't we be more real with one another? Why is it so difficult to wash away the fake smile and greetings that fill our list of "supposed to's?"
I am challenging myself to be more real each day. I believe I am better than I used to be, but I know I have plenty of room to grow. I'm trying to remember to tell you how much you mean to me and to give you an honest answer to your question rather than always deferring to what you want. You are asking me what I want because you want to know. I want to be better at stating my weaknesses and celebrating my strengths and accomplishments. I also want to be better at accepting your weaknesses and rejoicing in your strengths and accomplishments.
Sometimes, I get tired. Sometimes I get tired of always being polite or kind even when no one else is polite or kind. Sometimes I get tired of always being positive or cheerful or helpful. Sometimes I am simply tired. I want it to be okay to be tired. I want it to be okay to sit quietly. I want it to be okay to struggle. I want it to be okay to succeed.
Perhaps when we begin being completely honest with ourselves we will begin to be more honest with each other.
I want to challenge you to be honest. I want to challenge you to put your foot forward even if it isn't your best. I want to challenge you to be the unique person you were created to be and stop copying your neighbor. Walk proudly in your own shoes. Walk confidently on your own path.
Everyone will notice when you are uniquely you and perhaps they will be encouraged to be uniquely themselves as well.
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Definitions and Mistakes
Your mistakes do not define you.
Those decisions you determine are poor decisions once its too late to take them back do not determine your character.
Your character is determined by how you handle the difficult news the stranger told you on the phone a few minutes ago. Your personality is revealed by your deepest desires, dreams and wishes.
The brief moment when you were selfish does not mean you are a selfish person. The brief moment when you got angry at injustice does not mean you are an angry person. The brief moment when you couldn't wait your turn does not mean you are an impatient person.
It is okay to own your mistakes. It is okay to apologize for missing the mark. You are not admitting to being a bad person, you are admitting to a mistake and owning up to your actions. You are requesting others forgive your mistake and recognize it was an action or a possible reaction and not the essence of who you are.
You are not your mistakes.
Life is constantly surprising us. As much as we would like to be in control and think we can handle each surprise and each new turn in the path or each rock that trips us along the way, we can't. We get overwhelmed. We get tired. We become weary in the battle and sometimes we let our guard down. Sometimes the first thought pours out of our mouth when in reality we wanted to swallow it and forget it. Sometimes our self-control shows up late to the party. While we are waiting for it to arrive, it feels like someone is controlling us with a remote control and laughing at the results. Sometimes we are certain we are correct and bury our feet in certainty, until the light shines and we are proven incredibly wrong.
Dwelling on these mistakes only creates pain and regret. Expecting to never make the mistakes in the first place is unhealthy and unrealistic.
Dealing with mistakes is comparable to dealing with obstacles. You assess them. You move around them, over them, under them or through them. Then you learn from them. You learn how to handle the future. You learn how to make better decisions next time. And sometimes, you make the same mistake a hundred more times.
I remember times when my girls were younger and they could push each and every one of my buttons. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, they were simply normal children doing what children do, but I would blow. The room was finally too messy, the noise was finally too loud or they were too needy. I don't remember all I said or did, but I know I overreacted. I inevitably came back apologizing for my actions and telling them I loved them. They never labeled me a bad mom for those moments. They saw me as a human being. A human being they could trust to let them make their own mistakes.
My reactions didn't define me, but my actions did. They knew and still know it is okay to be a human who makes mistakes.
The secret to a successful journey is to walk, when you trip, get up, and keep walking. The scratch on your leg is not the sum of you. It is a small scratch that will heal. It may leave a scar to remind you of where you have been and what you have done. That scar is not a definition of your whole self anymore than a dog's tail determines what kind of dog it is.
Rejoice in your mistakes because your journey is not over and you get to try again. Rejoice in the strength of your character and personality which stands and endures all the bumps and bruises along the journey.
Those decisions you determine are poor decisions once its too late to take them back do not determine your character.
Your character is determined by how you handle the difficult news the stranger told you on the phone a few minutes ago. Your personality is revealed by your deepest desires, dreams and wishes.
The brief moment when you were selfish does not mean you are a selfish person. The brief moment when you got angry at injustice does not mean you are an angry person. The brief moment when you couldn't wait your turn does not mean you are an impatient person.
It is okay to own your mistakes. It is okay to apologize for missing the mark. You are not admitting to being a bad person, you are admitting to a mistake and owning up to your actions. You are requesting others forgive your mistake and recognize it was an action or a possible reaction and not the essence of who you are.
You are not your mistakes.
Life is constantly surprising us. As much as we would like to be in control and think we can handle each surprise and each new turn in the path or each rock that trips us along the way, we can't. We get overwhelmed. We get tired. We become weary in the battle and sometimes we let our guard down. Sometimes the first thought pours out of our mouth when in reality we wanted to swallow it and forget it. Sometimes our self-control shows up late to the party. While we are waiting for it to arrive, it feels like someone is controlling us with a remote control and laughing at the results. Sometimes we are certain we are correct and bury our feet in certainty, until the light shines and we are proven incredibly wrong.
Dwelling on these mistakes only creates pain and regret. Expecting to never make the mistakes in the first place is unhealthy and unrealistic.
Dealing with mistakes is comparable to dealing with obstacles. You assess them. You move around them, over them, under them or through them. Then you learn from them. You learn how to handle the future. You learn how to make better decisions next time. And sometimes, you make the same mistake a hundred more times.
I remember times when my girls were younger and they could push each and every one of my buttons. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, they were simply normal children doing what children do, but I would blow. The room was finally too messy, the noise was finally too loud or they were too needy. I don't remember all I said or did, but I know I overreacted. I inevitably came back apologizing for my actions and telling them I loved them. They never labeled me a bad mom for those moments. They saw me as a human being. A human being they could trust to let them make their own mistakes.
My reactions didn't define me, but my actions did. They knew and still know it is okay to be a human who makes mistakes.
The secret to a successful journey is to walk, when you trip, get up, and keep walking. The scratch on your leg is not the sum of you. It is a small scratch that will heal. It may leave a scar to remind you of where you have been and what you have done. That scar is not a definition of your whole self anymore than a dog's tail determines what kind of dog it is.
Rejoice in your mistakes because your journey is not over and you get to try again. Rejoice in the strength of your character and personality which stands and endures all the bumps and bruises along the journey.
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Problems
What is the worst that can happen?
More than likely, whatever is happening now is far from the worst.
Life is about choosing which problems you'd prefer and accepting our problems our actually our choices.
These thoughts were inspired by words from Mark Manson.
Let me explain by sharing a couple of personal examples.
When Jenny called me on October 1, 2012 to tell me I had breast cancer, I had no choice in whether or not breast cancer would be one of my problems, but I did get to choose which steps I would take and how I would think about this problem.
I chose to keep moving. I decided going to work everyday, being with my family and attempting to continue to do my daily tasks, although difficult, was a better problem for me to face than sitting around waiting for the cancer to do whatever it wanted to do.
I chose to embrace my thoughts of fear of the unknown and doubt about my ability to stand in the face of the emotional and physical attack constantly berating me. I wrote down my thoughts. I acknowledged them then I daily, hourly, minute by minute surrendered myself and my situation to my Daddy. The daily emotional battle was a better problem for me than holding my emotions in and pretending to be okay until one day I had nothing left.
When I was diagnosed with MS in February of 2015, I didn't get to choose whether or not MS would be a problem I would deal with for the rest of my life, but I did get to choose what my future days would look like and how I would choose to prepare myself for this disease.
I chose to keep moving. I chose to go to work. I chose to listen to my body. When I was weary, I rested. I chose to eat food that would strengthen my body. I chose to exercise to increase my balance, strength and awareness of myself. I choose to embrace what I could control about my health. All these choices took extra work and energy and didn't always mean I was doing what I wanted, but they were better problems than sitting back and letting MS do whatever it wanted and passively allowing it.
I chose not to dwell on the possibility that MS could come steal whatever it wanted from me in a moment's notice and instead deal with the problem of fully embracing each moment and each ability I had. If today I can run, I am blessed and thankful. If tomorrow I can't run, I am thankful I didn't take my ability for granted while I had it. Then I hope for another day of running.
Last November when walking, sitting and standing was too painful, my herniated disc pressing on my sciatic nerve could have been the problem that consumed me and made my quit trying. I chose to lie down and remind myself that this was temporary. As my strength disappeared because of my new completely sedentary life style, I reminded myself I would be strong again one day. I simply had to pass through this storm. Once I was allowed to walk again, I walked. I chose to deal with the problems of snow and cold in order to walk and gain my strength back. I celebrated each step further than the day before. I rejoiced at my faster times each time I journeyed into the cold.
Our new house was one of our greatest blessings. We relinquished problems of needed repairs, high utility bills and long commutes when we moved. We have new problems in our new home: higher mortgage, new cleaning products to buy, and large windows to clean. Quite honestly, the problems in our new home aren't problems at all to me, but they technically are. They are the problems I choose.
I choose my problems and in the midst of problems I can't choose, I choose my reaction. MS taught me to fully embrace what I can control and surrender to what I can't. I can control my actions, my reactions, my thoughts and my choices. I don't have time to waste my energy and thoughts on what I can't control.
More than likely, whatever is happening now is far from the worst.
Life is about choosing which problems you'd prefer and accepting our problems our actually our choices.
These thoughts were inspired by words from Mark Manson.
Let me explain by sharing a couple of personal examples.
When Jenny called me on October 1, 2012 to tell me I had breast cancer, I had no choice in whether or not breast cancer would be one of my problems, but I did get to choose which steps I would take and how I would think about this problem.
I chose to keep moving. I decided going to work everyday, being with my family and attempting to continue to do my daily tasks, although difficult, was a better problem for me to face than sitting around waiting for the cancer to do whatever it wanted to do.
I chose to embrace my thoughts of fear of the unknown and doubt about my ability to stand in the face of the emotional and physical attack constantly berating me. I wrote down my thoughts. I acknowledged them then I daily, hourly, minute by minute surrendered myself and my situation to my Daddy. The daily emotional battle was a better problem for me than holding my emotions in and pretending to be okay until one day I had nothing left.
When I was diagnosed with MS in February of 2015, I didn't get to choose whether or not MS would be a problem I would deal with for the rest of my life, but I did get to choose what my future days would look like and how I would choose to prepare myself for this disease.
I chose to keep moving. I chose to go to work. I chose to listen to my body. When I was weary, I rested. I chose to eat food that would strengthen my body. I chose to exercise to increase my balance, strength and awareness of myself. I choose to embrace what I could control about my health. All these choices took extra work and energy and didn't always mean I was doing what I wanted, but they were better problems than sitting back and letting MS do whatever it wanted and passively allowing it.
I chose not to dwell on the possibility that MS could come steal whatever it wanted from me in a moment's notice and instead deal with the problem of fully embracing each moment and each ability I had. If today I can run, I am blessed and thankful. If tomorrow I can't run, I am thankful I didn't take my ability for granted while I had it. Then I hope for another day of running.
Last November when walking, sitting and standing was too painful, my herniated disc pressing on my sciatic nerve could have been the problem that consumed me and made my quit trying. I chose to lie down and remind myself that this was temporary. As my strength disappeared because of my new completely sedentary life style, I reminded myself I would be strong again one day. I simply had to pass through this storm. Once I was allowed to walk again, I walked. I chose to deal with the problems of snow and cold in order to walk and gain my strength back. I celebrated each step further than the day before. I rejoiced at my faster times each time I journeyed into the cold.
Our new house was one of our greatest blessings. We relinquished problems of needed repairs, high utility bills and long commutes when we moved. We have new problems in our new home: higher mortgage, new cleaning products to buy, and large windows to clean. Quite honestly, the problems in our new home aren't problems at all to me, but they technically are. They are the problems I choose.
I choose my problems and in the midst of problems I can't choose, I choose my reaction. MS taught me to fully embrace what I can control and surrender to what I can't. I can control my actions, my reactions, my thoughts and my choices. I don't have time to waste my energy and thoughts on what I can't control.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)