Stubborn

I'm stubborn.

I was the first born and watched and copied all the adults around me. I followed the rules and expected everyone else to do the same.  I was the first to draw inside the lines and the last to think outside the box.

I see things a certain way and don't understand why you don't see it that way too.  I like my day to run smoothly and predictably.  I can go with the flow when it comes to the big things, but when it comes to the day to day moments I can control (like the way the laundry is folded, how the dishes are put away and which towel is used for what), I like to have things my way.  I realize this is not conducive to healthy relationships with other people since these tiny things are only important to me and no one else so I've been working on my stubbornness.

For as long as I can remember, at least my married life, I've tried to soften.  I've tried not to care about those little things.  My solution is I think about them in my head and notice them, but never speak of them and don't require those around me to change their ways.  In the meantime, I see it all. 

I like to be right and I usually am.  I don't rub it in your face.  I stop talking, knowing that eventually the proof will reveal itself and you will see I was right all along. 

My stubbornness won't let you see me when I am crashing and need a couch more than anything.  It also won't let me tell you I'm falling apart because I've learned that I should be strong.  If I don't tell you I'm weak, I can fake it long enough to get to the moment where I'm alone, then I can rest and recover and next time I see you I won't have to fake it.

What if you see me weak, then you forget what I can handle and treat me like I'm weak all the time?
What if I'm wrong and you think I'm always wrong?
What if I show you my true self and you don't like me or can't handle all that I am?

I dig my heals in and put on my happy face and make peace with you so I don't have to risk any of my "what ifs."

I'm thankful for the few people I can be raw and real with.  I'm thankful for the few people who have seen me at my worst and still see my strength.  I'm thankful for the people who will tell me I'm being ridiculous.  I'm thankful for the people who will be real with me.

I'm aware of my stubborn weakness like I am aware of my nose.  Some days my stubbornness holds me back.  Some days my stubbornness keeps me walking and gives me victory over my day.

I share this to be real with you, but I also want you to see how your weakness or perceived weakness can be your strength.  It can be the engine that helps you win the race.  Don't beat up yourself for the one thing you can't change.  Choose to see how your weakness might be your strength.