Orange Story: Eating

My MS medication comes with two primary side effects: flushing and stomach pains.  The paperwork says that after two years both side effects are equivalent to those of people who have a placebo.  Knowing I couldn't wait two years to get rid of the pain, I changed my diet.

I began eating gluten free and dairy free foods.  I took almond milk in my coffee instead of cream.  I stopped drinking milk of which I used to drink gallons.  I stopped eating breads and crackers.  The immediate result was that my stomach pain and flushing went away.

At first I didn't enjoy the food as much, but I realized that "I was eating to live rather than living to eat."  I knew that what I put in my body helped me whether I liked it or not. 

At the beginning of the diet the memory of the intense pain was still fresh in my mind so at that time the choice to eat gluten and dairy free was easy.  I knew I might have moments in the future when I would crave something I shouldn't eat, but I didn't have any cravings at the beginning.

People gave me a difficult time for eating this way.   They acted like I was inconveniencing them by eating differently.  I heard comments like, "What do you eat then?"  I was eating carrots and the people that were eating chips commented on my healthy choice.  Eating is a choice. 

I chose to eat in such a way that I would feel no pain from my medication.  If the result was a healthier body and the ability to say no to donuts because all I saw in them was pain, then I would gladly accept it.

After taking my medication for over 2 years I have minimal side effects.  Every once in a while if I am tired or stressed I get flushing side effects in the morning, but I don't have any stomach pain.  I'm not perfect on the diet like I was in the beginning, but I pay attention to my body and feed it what will make it feel good, not what will make me feel good.

November Birthdays

During the month of November we used to celebrate my grandma and grandpa's birthdays.  Now when their birthdays come around, we remember them.  We remember them with tears and we remember them with love.

I saw some yellow flowers and remembered how my grandpa used to pick flowers in the pasture where he was farming and bring them back to my grandma.  He liked yellow.  I imagine my grandma responding like grandpa was silly, but inside appreciating his thoughtfulness.

I see a pansy and think of my grandma.  Pansies decide to grow where ever they want.  They don't care if they are supposed to be there or not.  My grandma liked pansies because they looked like smiling faces.  She did her thing.  She grew where she wanted.  She grew in the rocks.  Nothing could keep her down.

I miss my grandparents.  I miss being able to talk to them.  I miss their support and understanding.  They cheered me on no matter what.  I was always amazing in their eyes.  I can't call them anymore or write them nice letters, but I can remember them.

I remember their faces.  I remember them in the kitchen.  Grandpa would sit at the table listening to the news and watching the neighbors go by, informing us who was speeding or wondering where they were going.  Grandma would be fussing about the food and would refuse to sit down for a moment. She would always have coffee and hidden desserts.

If remember baking cookies during the holidays.  I remember playing games that my grandma couldn't remember the rules for.  I remember painting the fence, pulling weeds, finding vegetables in the garden, putting puzzles together and exploring.  I remember special drinks and special moments.  A quick visit lasted over an hour.

I don't get to have them back.  That makes me sad.

I have years of memories and moments that I will never loose.  That makes me thankful.

Orange Story: Be Healthy

My stomach pains continued.  They were bearable during the day when I didn't take my MS medication. At night they still woke me up when I did take my MS medication.  I didn't know if I would ever be able to handle the pain.

My husband found a book written by Dr. Terry Wahls that describes a diet where the food gives your body the fuel it needs to repair itself.  Since my husband can't make my stomach pains go away, he found something he could do to help me.  He discovered a new way to eat.  Dinner last night was yummy.  We had kale, peppers, avocado, tomatoes, ground beef and salsa on a bed of corn chips.  I felt full and good eating that.

Some days I stuck to the diet, some days I didn't.  On the days I stuck to the diet I felt good and had minimal stomach pains.  This had to become the new normal.  The delicious food wasn't worth the pain it would give me, so I happily and easily chose to tell the food that was hurting me good-bye in exchange for painless days.

I originally thought that MS would be something that brought medication into my world and that would inconvenience me once in a while.  I was wrong.  MS is going to transform how I do everything forever. 

It has. 

I have stuck with this new diet for over 2 years.  I exercised consistently for 2 years, something I have never done before, I pay attention to how I feel and make decisions accordingly.  MS has forced me to become the healthiest person I could become.  Staying healthy is a battle I am willing to fight and must fight each and every day.

The Daily Battle

About a month ago I started having a shooting pain down my right leg.  I was fairly certain my sciatic nerve was causing the pain, but I didn't know why or how to fix it.  I paid attention to every movement and moved in ways that caused little or no pain.

Today, that pain is so severe that the only pain free position is lying flat on my back on the floor with my knees up on a stool.  Yes, the only pain free position.  Right now I am kneeling by my bed to type this. 

It took a few doctor's visits to discover I have a herniated disc in my back.  The disc is pushing on my sciatic nerve causing pain to shoot like fire down my leg.

It hurts to walk, it hurts to sit, it hurts to stand.  I've stopped driving.  I can't pick things up off the floor without pain.  My family has all taken a turn putting my shoes on me.

Don't feel badly for me.  I'm simply painting a picture. 

In the midst of this debilitating pain,  I am thankful. 

I know that this won't last forever, even though some days I'm not sure I can take another minute of it. 
I am blessed with a family that knows how to take care of things around the house and if it doesn't get done, everyone is okay with that.  I'm thankful for the many kind eyes and words of concern and empathy I have received as I limped down the halls at school.  I didn't complain, they simply cared.  I'm thankful for the things I can still do.  I'm ever so capable.  Perhaps when this pain is gone, I'll be even more thankful for what I can do. 

I've said many times that the thing that keeps me going is celebrating what I am able to do.  You never know when it will be taken away.  I will enjoy sitting and walking pain free again.  I will enjoy being able to run with my students or simply sit on the floor with them again.

Until then, I still have much to be thankful for.  I still have much to rejoice over.  I am still surrounded by love and kindness and compassion.

Life gets tough.  It gets really tough.  Keeping our eyes on what we have and not what we've lost reminds us to look forward and not behind and gives us the strength to fight and move forward and rejoice in each new day.

Orange Story: Stomach Pain

 One day shortly after starting my medication, 2:30 am brought doubled-over stomach pains.  It wasn't until my husband put his hand on my back that the pain eased up enough for me to go to sleep.  I'm sure he was praying for me, but his hand also calmed me.  It didn't feel great the next morning, but I could still function.

The next day the pain was immense and intense and debilitating.  I had to call in sick.  My stomach hurt so badly it brought me to tears.  I couldn't stand or walk for long.  My husband read that someone described the pain like a person was twisting their stomach like you wring out a cloth.  I agreed.  I skipped my pill that morning hoping I could get a handle on the pain for a day.  It felt like it was compiling and getting worse.  The first day the stomach pain came, then went.  On this day, it just stayed.  It went through waves of differing intensities.  It hit me hard after lunch yesterday.  I couldn't function.  I called the office and barely uttered I wasn't feeling well.  Thankfully, within minutes the counselor brought the cavalry and shooed me home.  It takes quite a bit to keep me from teaching.  This pain fit the bill. 

Here I was taking medication that was supposed to keep away episodes that could steal functions from my body.  While the medication was doing this good thing, it was causing debilitating pain in my stomach that kept me from all daily functions.  This is such a difficult battle to fight, to maneuver around and to find a way through. 

What makes us keep fighting?  What makes us look for a way through the pains and difficulties that won't leave us alone?  What makes us willing to keep moving forward through the obstacles that won't leave us alone? 

For me, it is simply worth the fight?  It's worth fighting, knowing that I will win and have victory over my situation again.  I will be able to look back on the battle and stand in awe of my strength and know that nothing will ever be able to take me down.

Flexible

I don't feel like I have anything new to say. 

This week I have still been living with pain as I have been trying to create a way for it to heal.  I am desperately trying to avoid strong medication that messes with me and surgery that I feel will mess me up.

I have been giving more of myself than I have to parents of students, to my students and having very little left for my family. 

I have experienced genuine care and concern from people who are paying attention and pat answers and empty phrases from those who don't really know me.

I have been reminded of my inability to ask for help as I struggle to complete simple tasks silently aching when there is someone a few feet away that could help if only I would ask.

I have been reminded of my strength to overcome difficulties no matter what gets thrown at me.

Some of this weeks moments have been difficult and some have been precious.

Each day and each week hold these up and down moments.  How do we see these moments?  How do they change us?  How do they frame our memories and our hopes? 

Life is ever moving.  It is always changing and shaping us.  Do we let it or do we fight it?  Do we bend and move with the day or do we stand rigid and refuse to be shaped by our circumstances? I know each event in each day molds me.  I hope I am flexible and don't fight against circumstances that will make me stronger and better.

Orange Story: Side Effects

The side effects began.  I was taking my MS medicine twice a day.  After about a week, the side effects I read about starting making themselves known. 

I had conferences at school.  Conferences meant that I spent the day teaching, then spent the following 4 hours meeting with parents.  Under normal circumstances conferences are tiring.  I was feeling exhausted from conferences then I started having flushing and stomach aches all at once.  I never knew what flushing was until it began.  It feels like your face is on fire.  Sometimes it spreads to your chest.  I felt so poorly I cried.  I was breaking.

The biggest problem was I had to keep teaching.  I couldn't stop and take a break.  I couldn't walk away and gather myself.  I had to keep going for the sake of 25 third graders.  The side effects eventually subsided, but the exhaustion didn't. 

I stayed down the following day.  I was confident my body would get used to this medicine, but in the meantime this was tough and I felt miserable. 

How many times does the solution cause pain?  I know side effects are common with medication.  Medication is supposed to help us, but in the meantime it can also hurt, then we need more medication to help the new hurts. 

How often is the solution to other things in our lives painful?  The solution to a tricky relationship is giving something of ourselves that we aren't used to giving.  The solution to a trying job may be finding a new job or committing to completing difficult tasks.  There is always a little pain or discomfort in the solutions.  Sometimes the pain comes during the time it takes for the solution to finally relieve us.

Eventually, we get used to the pain or we adapt to it.  Not everyone has to deal with side effects of necessary medication, but everyone has to wait for solutions to all of the problems that try to take us down.  We can do it.  We can overcome all the side effects that come our way.  We may simply need to be flexible.