Good-bye 2017

As I reflect on 2017, I keep thinking it was one of my most difficult years.  Between working on my master's, moving, beginning a new teaching position and the difficulty with my sciatic nerve and back surgery, I don't feel like I got a lot of reprieve from some sort of mountain to climb or valley to sit in and wait for the sun to reappear.

Even after all of this, I would never say it had been a bad year.  It has been difficult, but I never let the difficult take me out.  I got hit a few times.  I felt discouraged when the work load didn't seem to end.  I felt overwhelmed when the tasks didn't stop coming, I felt beat up when the pain wouldn't go away.  Through all of those blows, I never got knocked out.  I never laid down refusing to get back up.

My family and I have been watching the Rocky series this week.  As awesome as those movies are each one essentially carries the same story.  Rocky is going to retire.  Someone calls him out to fight one more time. He has to fight to prove himself, but also because that is who is.  He is a fighter.  He gets hit in the fights.  His face gets bloody and swollen, he even staggers sometimes, but in the end he doesn't give up.  He keeps coming back for more and by the end of the movie he wins.

I'm not a fighter like Rocky.  I am actually a peacemaker by nature, but when it comes to the blows life sends my way I simply keep getting back up.  I know the difficult moment cannot last forever.  I know that there is always hope.  I know I can take the next step even if I don't have the strength to take the next ten steps.

I will have more difficult moments.  I may even have more difficult years.  We are often chiseled and made stronger in those moments.  I won't stop hoping for a victory.  I won't stop getting back up after life sends a right hook.  I won't stop believing in a divine purpose for my life that goes beyond the moment in front of me.

Whether you've had an amazing year of blessings and ease or a difficult year, or something in between, please be encouraged.  Be encouraged when you see what you have already gone through.  The most difficult things have already come your way, for me it has been cancer, MS, and debilitating pain that knocked me out for over a month.  I have already made it through those things.  I have already figured out how to live with the scars they leave.  There isn't much more I can't handle.

As you welcome in a new year, be hopeful, be encouraged.  Know that the year offers diamonds, but it may come to you as coal that needs some time and some refining before you can see the gem it will bring to your life.

I'm not speaking as someone who always has an easy time.  I am speaking as someone who usually has a mountain to climb, but I keep my eyes on the view and know that as long as I keep walking I will eventually get there.  Whatever mountain awaits this year, welcome it.  Welcome the rugged trail, the view and the refining it will do to your character and soul.

Welcome new year and all you have!

A New Year Philosophy

As we are coming up on the end of another year, I have another thought. I originally thought about this the January after my cancer diagnosis.

A new year to many people means new beginnings.  They can begin fresh, forget about their failures and try to do or be something new.  To me, it's a new day just like all the others.  Each day I have a choice to begin fresh, to learn from yesterday's mistakes and to come a little closer to being the person I want to be.  A new year is a great time to start that, but so is each day.  If I fail on day two of the New Year I have to wait until the next year.  Instead, on my system, I simply begin again tomorrow.

So in this new year I want to walk through and be completely present in each day.  I want to accept each moment as a gift and treasure it.  I want to learn from my mistakes quickly and move forward.  I do not want to miss a day because I'm looking forward to or dreading the next day.

I want to live to my fullest, not caring if I please everyone, only caring if I've loved, showed compassion, kindness and generosity.  I don't want to judge myself harshly, but instead be gracious with myself.

Functioning

Every day brings its own challenges.  Every challenge has its own mountains and valleys.  I know everyone experiences days of great blessings and days of great trials.  Everyone experiences easy days and difficult days.  My greatest lesson through all my challenges is that there is always something better and there is always something worse. 

On the worst days there are still blessings to be counted.  On the best days there are still greater achievements to be made and mistakes from which we can learn.

I'm thankful today.  I am able to do most things.  My back is healing nicely from surgery.  I do not have the pain anymore.  I am working on healing and getting stronger.  I can do most things without help from my family, while just a few weeks ago, I couldn't tie my own shoes. 

Each day that I can pick up something I've dropped on the floor, I am thankful.  Each night I can sleep through the night, I am thankful.  When I drive my car and do errands by myself, I am thankful.  When I can sit, walk and stand without assistance I am thankful.  Each time I move without pain, I am thankful.  I can stand long enough to take a shower.  I can put on my own clothes.  I can put dishes away.  This long list of achievements are all things I couldn't do on my own not so long ago.  I am functioning in a way I wasn't before and couldn't be happier.

I know each day I will get a bit stronger and add accomplishments to my list.  There may be another bad day, but the blessings will still be present.

I hope to remember to be thankful in a year when all of this is in the past.  I want to celebrate and rejoice my ability to move and function without pain. 

I need to remember to always rejoice in the small pleasures.  I can't foresee the future.  I can't predict tomorrow.  I can be thankful for what I have today.  I can celebrate my achievements. 

Puzzle

My daughters gave me a new puzzle for Christmas.  I enjoy doing puzzles.  I enjoy logic games.  I like the challenge.  I like finding short cuts and I enjoy the satisfaction of solving the puzzle.  It is essential that I only do these puzzles during holidays.  I tend to keep working on them until they are finished.  All other daily tasks take a back seat to the puzzle.  My family laughs as I gravitate towards the puzzle like I'm magnetically attached to it.  I'm sure many of you don't feel the way I do.

As I've been working on this 2000 piece puzzle I've made a few observations.

The first time I looked through the pieces I saw color.  I saw all the colors of the rainbow and everything in between.  I saw blue sky and blue water and felt a little overwhelmed.  The puzzle has colored buildings that look similar.  I saw orange plants, blue rocks and pink sunset sky. 

The second time I looked through the puzzle I started to see patterns.  I saw how the sky gradually changed from dark purple to light.  I saw the subtle changes between the different houses.

The third time I looked through the puzzle I saw shapes.  I noticed lines and boxes.  I noticed the rocks and the grass.  I noticed the mountain and the different types of trees.

The fourth time through I noticed intricate details.  Some buildings had words, some buildings had clothes hanging on the line, there were people, single trees and power lines reaching for the sky, boat were waiting to be put into the water.

Each time I made my way through the pieces and noticed something new I thought about how this same principle happens in life.  It isn't until we've spent some time with others that we truly begin to see the details that make them who they are.

Any time I've attempted a change in my life, it has taken many passes before the change started to look like something recognizable.  We began the journey of moving out of our old house 3 years ago.  We knew we wanted to downsize so the first thing we did was get rid of things we knew we didn't want to move. Every 6 months, we would get rid of a few more things.  Each spring for 3 years we had a yard sale and were surprised at the amount of unwanted things we were able to sell.  Even after we moved, we still hauled truck loads away.  Downsizing, simplifying, was just like each pass through the puzzle box.  We kept finding something new we hadn't seen before.

Knowing that we can't completely know everything immediately, we need to remember that everything takes time.  Knowing others well takes time, knowing ourselves can take time, changing anything about our lives will take time.  And, just like with the puzzle, when you get overwhelmed, walk away, do something else and come back later so you have fresh eyes and can see clearly again.  Don't get down on yourself for not completing the puzzle right away.  The process can be just as enjoyable as the finished product.

Daily Gifts

Today was our first day of Christmas break.  Since this has been such an odd year with my surgery and the 3 weeks I couldn't walk, we didn't do our normal Christmas shopping in November and discovered we had to finish up some shopping today.  We were struggling a little because this year feels a bit busier than previous years.  When it feels busy and hectic, it doesn't feel like Christmas. 

I became curious about past Christmases.  This is my husband's and my 21st Christmas.  I wondered what some of my thoughts were years ago?

My girls were four years old and one year old during Christmas in 2005.  We had been married for nine years.  I don't remember which job my husband had. I was a waitress at a local restaurant.  Here is an entry from that Christmas:

The Lord has determined that we should not have a large surplus of money for any extended period of time.  But He has also determined to provide for us in such a way that all our bills are paid and our needs are met.  We had to take both girls to the doctor this month.  We no longer have WIC and we need to begin paying the full amount on our student loans.  Our gas bill is over double what it was last month, but after this weekend we will be able to pay it.  Last night I received at least two $10 tips on $40 checks and some other high percentage tips.  The Lord completely blessed my night.  We were able to spend almost $600 on Christmas gifts just for our family.  We were able to buy gifts for my husband's parents and brother and sister-in-law. (We weren't able to do this in previous years.)

God is taking such good care of us despite our circumstances that seem to be against us.  In the mist of my thankfulness I pray for a new job for my husband, a job with enough pay to take care of all our bills and perhaps, if it be the Lord's desire, enough for us to buy a house again.  I also pray the job provides good benefits for all of us allowing us the freedom to take our kids to the doctor when they are sick.  I also pray that this job gives my husband payed vacation and that it be on he can enjoy and find ministry opportunities in.  

I don't know what God has in mind for us, but even if it is not anywhere near my prayer, it will be the best thing.

We had a nice Christmas.  It was most definitely a blessed Christmas.  The Lord provided.


I remember this time.  I remember each day worrying about how to pay our bills and at the same time thankful that they were paid each month and we were daily provided for.  I learned to daily give my needs to God or I would feel despair and hopelessness.

Today all those prayers have been answered.  We both have fulfilling jobs we are successful at, good benefits meeting all our medical needs, we can always pay our bills and we have paid vacation.  We get to impact the lives of young people positively each day.

Looking back at this old Christmas post, I couldn't be more thankful for where we are today.  I also hope that each person can be encouraged that God loves us and even when it seems things are bleak, there are so many things to always be thankful for. 

Christmas isn't about the gifts we give or receive.  Christmas is about the gifts we enjoy daily which are present in our lives.  We open the door to our home and walk into a precious gift of a place we belong.  We share our valuable time and energy with our loved ones daily and never run out of the ability to give a bit more.  Some days are so difficult.  They won't be difficult forever. In the midst of the difficulties there is always a precious gift to be thankful for. 

3 Types of People

Up until 3 days ago, I had been unable to work for 5 weeks.  I wasn't out of work.  I wasn't taking a vacation.  I was unable.  For the first part of that month I couldn't walk, sit or stand without debilitating pain.  The second part of the month was spent recovering from back surgery.  I walked a little bit more each day in order to gain strength.  It turns out that when you are forced to be on your back for multiple weeks, your legs start to loose their ability to move properly.  

I'm thankful I'm back to work.  I'm thankful the only pain I have is an ache because my muscles are still getting stronger.  I'm thankful, thankful, thankful.  This is not what I want to talk about.

One observation I've made in returning to work is that there have been 3 different types of people welcoming me back to after my long absence.  There were the dear people who had been concerned and worried and were so glad I was able to return to school and that I was feeling better.  The second group were people who welcomed me back because they thought they should.  They didn't really care one on way or another.  The third group of people didn't believe that I actually needed to miss that much work.  These people haven't said this outright, but their behavior towards me makes it very clear that my absence was an inconvenience for them and they aren't certain it needed to happen.

Other people's reactions don't affect me because I know what I had to do and will always take care of my health.  I know that I did everything I had to do and I don't have to answer to them.

Unfortunately, these reactions don't only happen to me.  People everywhere are judging other people's lives and situations and thinking they understand.  It happened to me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Everyone who knew someone who had cancer was suddenly an expert on my situation.  People who know others with MS try to tell me how to act because those people are fine, I should be fine.  People who are judging me now know someone with back surgery or they know someone who has nerve problems.  They are judging my actions based on the situations of the people they know or think they know.  

Remember to be compassionate, understanding and a good listener.  Remember that everyone has to walk their own path.  They have to account for their actions on their journey.  Judgement creates chasms of space between relationships that can't be bridged.  Judgement closes doors.  Judgement pushes people away.  

Everyone's story is different.  It's okay to share stories and learn and grow from each other's journeys, but there is never a time when you can judge another's journey without walking in their shoes.  Even if you are able to walk in their shoes, it still won't be their journey because those shoes weren't met for you. 

Try to open your eyes throughout your day and see what is truly around you.  See the weary waitress who is trying to do her best, but her baby kept her awake all night.  See the tired Grandma who is trying to raise her grandchildren.  See the children who are only misbehaving because no one is paying attention to them.  

You don't know the whole story.  Please, soften your heart and see and keep your mind from judging.  Consider the circumstances that have made this person behave this way or make these decisions.  It isn't always black and white.  There is usually much more to the story.

Yes, I take my own advice.  I am not judging the people who are judging me.  I understand they don't really know what I went through.  All they know is  I made their life difficult.  They can't imagine taking that kind of time off of work.  That's okay.  I will do everything in my power to make their lives easy.  Hopefully I can help them with their burden.  I have no expectations from them.  I hope eventually they won't be upset with me anymore. 

Thrive

We all like to know what to expect.  We schedule events on our calendar.  We create agendas for meetings.  We watch a movie trailer or read a book jacket before committing to watching or reading.

As much as we might like surprises we also like to plan and predict and derive comfort from routine.

I returned to work today.  I moved slowly and carefully, but had no problems doing my job.  My inability to bend, twist or lift just made the day more interesting.  My second grade students were amazing.  They were happy to see me, happy to help with the lifting, moving and carrying of items.  One student was carefully watching me to make sure I didn't bend.  I could hear "You're bending!" throughout the day.  I wasn't bending, but she was going to be watching just in case.

The most surprising comment I heard came from an intelligent little girl. She said she was glad to be back to the normal schedule.  I don't know what kind of schedule the students had when I was gone.  They had the different subjects at the appropriate times, but there was probably less predictability.  Within each subject there are a set of routines I go through that the students can count on.  They can be comforted by them.

Her comment reminded me how comfortable a good routine can be.  It definitely helps little ones.  I know it can help us adults also.  If we know that at this time we will be doing this thing,, we can count on it, plan on it and rest knowing that part of our day is set and sure and stable.

My dog whines at 6 am everyday for breakfast.  She knows it's time for a walk at 4 pm and she whines for dinner at 5 pm.  We can tell time by our dog's behavior.  There is no such thing as weekends and holidays.  She wants her schedule no matter what.  It always takes months for her to adjust after a time change.  The only exercise I was allowed to do after my back surgery was walk.  I tended to walk around 2 pm each day with her.  It only took her a few days and she began whining and watching me at 2:00, ready to go for a walk.

Which part of your day has a comforting and predictable routine?  Which part of your day needs a comforting and predictable routine?  A child who knows what to expect and when to expect it feels safe.  They don't have to worry about anything except living in the moment, not concerned about the future expectations.  Being adults doesn't mean we are exempt from this need.

Since our girls were babies we have chosen to stay home at Christmas.  We don't travel out of state to see family.  It isn't because we don't want to see family, it is because we want to protect these peaceful days for our children.  We want them to wake up in their own home and be with their parents and be comfortable and at peace. 

There are plenty of busy days in our lives, there should be some moments we protect.  There should be some routines we keep to remain at peace and to give ourselves the freedom to thrive in a safe environment.