Are You Afraid?

I was reading Everybody Always  by Bob Goff today.  The second chapter deals with fear.  I had to think about what role fear plays in my life.

Bob reminded me the Bible says, "Do not be afraid," multiple times.  We aren't supposed to live in fear, but living in fear came be easy.

When a person has cancer, they live daily with the thought that it can return.  I knew this was true for me and recently discovered it is true for most cancer survivors.  Your invincibility has been taken.  If it can happen once, it can happen again. 

Last month after my yearly mammogram I received the dreaded call to return for an ultrasound.  They saw something and they need to have a different look.  I've never had a breast ultrasound before.  It was easy.  I was able to see the screen.  However, the entire time I was scared.  I saw a large black mass on the screen.  What were they seeing?  Was it malignant or benign?  The radiologist didn't speak so all I could do was lay on the bed in silence, counting the wallpaper squares on the wall.  Finally, the doctor came in to tell me they didn't know exactly what they were seeing on the screen so I would need a follow-up biopsy.  I wasn't surprised.  I wasn't really scared either.  I'd done this before.

I knew that if this mass turned out to be cancer, I knew exactly what to do.  I knew surgery would be next then some form of treatment would follow.  I knew I could deal with it because I had dealt with it before.  I was scared the first time this happened because every day was going to be filled with unknown, this time was different.   I didn't walk in fear.  In fact, I made it clear to those around me that at this moment there was nothing to fear.  I didn't want to get upset about an outcome we didn't know yet.

Even though I knew I could handle traveling this path again, my problem was... I didn't want to. 

I have spent the past few months focusing on getting strength back after back surgery.  I was ready to enjoy every aspect of my summer and take no moment for granted.  This new development was threatening to change my plans.

I waited almost a week for the biopsy.  I poured myself into my days and made choices I wanted to make.  I enjoyed the sun, I exercised.  I did everything this upcoming biopsy was threatening to take away.  I wasn't afraid.  I was ready.

I know I was afraid last time.  I know I sat in trepidation daily and daily I had to tell God I trusted Him and I would continue walking when I din't want to even crawl.  What was the difference?  The difference was the unknown.  Last time I didn't know what surgery would feel like or how it would change me.  Last time I didn't know how radiation would zap every ounce of energy from me.  Last time I didn't know what it looked like to have my Daddy (God) hold my hand, give me strength and walk me through every painful and difficult step. 

This time, as I stood at the crossroads: a familiar journey down the path of cancer on one side and a  cancer free, full of health and growth journey on the other side, I knew my Daddy would be with me on either path.  I knew I would ultimately be "okay" whichever path I walked down.  I resigned myself to choose to live fully each day no matter which path I would soon walk.

The day of my biopsy came.  I did yoga, exercised and spent time at the pool.  I ate well then drove to town.  This biopsy was a much better experience than the last one.  I was able to lie on my back.  They used an ultrasound to guide the needle biopsy.  I was able to watch on the screen while the nurse asked me questions to distract me. 

"We'll let you know in 3-4 days."  I wasn't allowed to exercise or play in the water so I took a day to rest and spent the next day packing for vacation.  I kept moving and trusting and knowing that it would soon be decided which path I would take.

Friday morning I got a call from the doctor.  "The results are in.  Your biopsy came back okay."  It wasn't cancer!

I had to deal with myself after this.  There is no reason for me to fear the return of cancer.  I've survived once, I'll survive again.  I have no reason to fear where my health might take me.  I am not alone on my journey and have no reason to be afraid.  I must walk and trust.