My vacation is over, but the surf is still on my mind. On my final day on the Oregon Coast I surfed 6 amazing rides. Yes, I counted them. They weren't amazing waves, they were probably normal waves, but the ride was wonderful. I went down the face of the wave on a few and I rode a few into shore. I turned and moved like a skater on a skateboard. I ended my surf session after the 6th wave. It had been great and I was determined to leave with a positive memory.
I thought a lot about the waves and my relationship with them this week. Oregon waves are very powerful. I surfed in Ireland a few years ago and discovered the waves on that day didn't push as hard. A small wave in Oregon will knock you out. Over the years I had acquired a bad habit of gripping the rails (the sides) of the surfboard the moment the wave hit me. During my early learning days, instructors would yell, "Paddle, paddle, paddle!" when a wave was on its way. You are supposed to paddle to the wave. The instructor in Ireland was working to get me to stop gripping the rails and instead, to continue paddling through the wave. Eventually, I trusted my ability to stay on the board and kept paddling when the wave hit me. The extra paddling gave me enough power to be able to stand up on the board.
The Oregon waves I am familiar with are powerful enough to propel you and your board forward even if you do nothing. In my early days of surfing, the wave would knock me off my board. One time a small wave knocked my surfboard into my face and gave me a fat lip for a week. Smaller waves need you to paddle to get up enough speed to join them. If you don't paddle enough, you won't get the wave. It will pass you by.
Whenever I grabbed the rails of the board, preparing to hold on as if a thief were trying to steal my it, I realized I was holding on in fear. I wasn't holding on waiting for a great ride. I was holding on because I was afraid of being thrown to the bottom of the ocean. After my Ireland trip, I realized the best waves are the ones I paddle into.
My first surfing day on this trip, I was scared. I spent much of my time sitting outside doing yoga breathing to calm myself down. It had been awhile since I'd surfed Oregon and the only memories passing before me like an old slide show were the ones where they ocean beats me up. By the third day, I was more confident in my ability and less scared of the waves. I eagerly paddled out, willing to force my way through each crashing wave to get to the perfect spot and wait for the perfect wave. Once out there, I sat patiently on my board as the water moved up and down. Once I spotted and claimed my wave, I turned and started paddling, listening and looking behind me expectantly for the wave to crash and push me toward shore. As soon as I felt the wave behind me, I paddled a few more times and got to my feet. I bent my knees and looked around. The ocean propelled me. I turned back and forth searching for the most powerful water so I could keep riding. I got to shore and celebrated. I looked around to see if anybody saw how great that was then I realized it didn't matter if anyone saw. I had an amazing ride.
The fear was gone. I was excited. I was ready to ride.
Sometimes I live my life like I'm gripping the rails. I'm holding on with each passing moment expecting the wave to be too big and to knock me off. I remember the past and how it has beat me up too often and forget that right now the waves are good and it's time to ride. People who have had cancer live daily with the thought, or rather fear, that it will return. MS is secret and surprising. It could be silently stripping away more myelin without me knowing. One day, I could have another episode. The problem with this thinking is that it is full of "coulds" and it is rooted in fear. It is me hanging on to the rails.
I've decided I'm going to work harder to paddle. When life's waves begin crashing behind me, I want to paddle hard and ride them. I want to enjoy the ride even if I fall in the end. I want to celebrate and shout and maybe someone will see and celebrate with me. Or, I'll just enjoy the ride.
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