Colds

After taking 6 weeks off of teaching last year due to back surgery, I was determined to have a healthy school year this year.  I was determined not to get sick and not to have to take a bunch of days off. 

So this past week I caught a cold.

I only had to take one sick day, but I was sick all week.  I spent most of the past two weekends on the couch trying to rest and heal so I could make it through the work week.

A little bit of pride snuck in.  I thought I could will myself to remain healthy.  I was quickly reminded I do not have the power to will health on myself.  I can only make the best choices available to me and when illness sneaks in anyway, I have to succumb and give myself time to heal. 

You can't ignore illnesses and pretend you are well, you will simply get more ill.

You can't ignore fatigue and keep moving, you will eventually collapse.  

You can't ignore a needed rest, it will catch up to you in the end.

You have to care for yourself.  

You have to eat food that makes you feel strong and powerful.

You have to exercise and let you body move and gain strength.

You have to sleep and let your mind and body rest.

I know these things.  I've been fighting against them for years.  I've been deciding between work and rest since I was in high school and choose homework or friends over sleep.  I chose motherly and wifely duties over rest when my girls were little.  I choose school work over rest for many of my early teaching years.

Then cancer came. . . then MS. . . then debilitating pain leading to back surgery and I learned that my health isn't greater than any other choice.

I'm stronger than I've ever been.  I can run and move without exhaustion.  I've learned how to eat so I have more strength and energy and I love what I get to eat.  Most importantly, I know how to rest.  I know when my body needs a break and I take it.  I know when I am catching a cold and take precautions to let my body repair itself.  I don't put myself in jeopardy by neglecting sleep.  Most importantly, I don't feel badly for taking care of myself.

If your health slips away it takes a lot of time and a lot of work to get it back. I have mine.  It doesn't matter what my medical record says.  I am healthy and amazing and having a cold for a week simply gives me a chance to remember how grateful I am for all I can do.  It reminds me it is okay to take sick days and it is okay celebrate healthy days. 

I feel like I talk about how important it is to do everything you can to remain healthy a lot, but as I look around, so many people are unhealthy.  Just 4 months ago I weighed 15 pounds more than I do now.  I didn't know I had that much weight to lose.  I didn't know I was eating food that helped to keep my mind foggy and maintain lethargic energy.  I didn't know until I changed, until I started to make different decisions.  

I want everyone to feel strong and healthy.  I want everyone to have energy and to be happy in their own skin.  I've been to all the other places of health and want to stay where I am for as long as I can.  In fact, this past week I was unable to exercise and I still lost weight (fat, not just muscle) and I still PR'd my bench press today.  I was extra fit before I got sick so I didn't lose my health.  In fact, my level of fitness probably helps me heal faster.

Take the time and energy to invest in yourself.  Your health is worth more than anything else you can invest in.

Weak Strength

I am strong and I am weak.

Sometimes I am strong.  I celebrate all I am capable of doing.  I am great at my job.  I can function physically.  I ran an easy mile the other day.  I am a good mom.  I'm a good wife.

Yet, at the same time I am weak.  I may be good at my job, but I still feel tired.  I am more capable than I should be, yet I still have so many weaknesses.

Paul said, "When I am weak, then You are strong."  He was speaking about how he can overcome his weaknesses because God gave him the strength to do so.

Perhaps that is why I feel my weaknesses and strengths simultaneously.  It isn't really that I am strong, it is that my Daddy makes me strong in my weakest moments.

So, here's to celebrating strength and weakness. 
Here's to each victory and each difficulty.  In the end, I passed through and am still here. 
Here's to moving forward every day. 
Here's to being strong when we really just want to lay down. 
Here's to being weak and not being afraid of what will come next.
Here's to our weak strength.

Beneath the Surface

This week I've noticed that the deep, dark, strong feelings life brings around on the days we are strong enough to handle them are never truly gone.  They sit just beneath the surface. 

Like a needle digging out a splinter that goes too deep, events can poke into those buried feelings and spring a leak. 

If I watch a movie or read a book about grandmas I remember and miss my grandma.  Pansies, tractors, cows (especially calves), dragonflies and the simple life remind me of her.  I remember my visits.  I remember hot chocolate and Almond Roca.  I remember walks, talks and days in the garden.  The memories are as clear as yesterday and so are the tears flowing up from the deep places where I keep them buried because my sadness is simply to painful to bear for more than a moment at a time.  Even now, the tears have returned.  My husband is going to wonder what is going on as I work to push them back to the dark place and come back to the present where Grandma is no longer here.

I read or hear stories about people fighting cancer and quickly remember the pain I bore, both physically and emotionally.  I am forever thankful that pain is in my past, but the memory of it and the scars it left behind are still very much a part of me.  I suppose the pain is why I am so happy to try to bring hope to others who are on the same fighting journey.  I have not forgotten.  I know how difficult each breath and each step becomes in those dark places and hope to provide light.

I understand loss and I understand pain.  The other day, we watched a movie that threatened to tap into my dark place.  The tears tried to overtake me and all the pain and sadness tried to wash over me.  I held it at bay.  I don't know if it's healthy to keep it buried so deep.  I haven't forgotten it.  I know it is there every moment of every day, but the flood of pain and sadness is too great for me to bear.  I see glimpses of it when life pricks a little too deep or a memory opens a window, but for the most part, the pain drives me to find healing and the sadness drives me to find joy.

I know in the midst of your difficult journey, the layer keeping your pain and sadness from overtaking you is as thin as an onion skin.  It wouldn't take much for it to fly away, to be punctured, or for others to look too deeply and see through it.  I know the pain and sadness are ultimately healthy, but the weight of them is too much to hold all at once.  You learn to feel it in waves.  I used to feel it in the restroom.  No one was going to interrupt me.  I took a moment to feel.  I breathed deep, cried, then gathered myself to go out into the world once again.

Unfortunately, the beautiful memories driving us and giving us hope are often buried with the pain and sadness.  I pray you learn how to access both and to let the memories remind you of the beauty that has formed you and the sadness will give you strength to remember in the end the sadness will also be beautiful.

It's okay to be strong and it's okay to feel every little thing coming your way whether it's beneath the surface our spouting like a geyser. 
You are okay. 
You are amazing. 
You will be victorious.

Cans and Can'ts

Yesterday was the first day in a long time I was able to sleep in a little bit.
I drank my coffee outside in the cool morning then began my morning exercise.  I do CrossFit.  If you don't know anything about it, it is functional fitness.  I exercise in a way that makes living life easier.  I'm not trying to simply strengthen one muscle at a time, I'm trying to make moving easier and more efficient and in the meantime I get stronger and leaner.

But that is not what this post is about.

When I finished my workout, which consisted of hang power cleans with a barbell, push ups and air squats, I felt amazing.

I didn't feel amazing because the workout was easy, in fact, I was lying on the ground trying to slow my breathing when I finished.

It was amazing because I did it.

I moved a barbell from my hips to my shoulders efficiently, with strength and amazing form.  I did my push-ups quickly and didn't have to take breaks whenever my arms refused to move because my arms kept moving.  I squatted with near-perfect form and sped through them. 

It felt amazing because I could move.
It felt amazing because I could push myself to be better.
It felt amazing because I could breath.
It felt amazing because I could.

Over the past 10 months, I have graduated from lying in a recliner feeling pain with every movement to walking slowly to adding a few new movements, but doing them slowly, to beginning to pick up light weights to moving faster to the amazing workout I finished yesterday. 

Each and every step was a small victory.  When I could walk pain free I was thrilled.  When I was allowed to do my first squat I was ecstatic.  When I got to pick up my first barbell, I celebrated.  Everything I am capable of doing is a celebration.  Every strength I have is a gift.  Every weakness I have is simply something waiting to be a strength.

I tell you this story to encourage you to celebrate all you CAN do. 
I don't know what your can'ts are, but I know they can threaten to pull you down.  They can threaten to make you feel "less than" or weak.  They can send you into dark places.

Today celebrate all you can do.  If you are reading this I know you can breath and read.  Find every little ability and celebrate. 

Today my cans outweigh my can'ts.  I still feel my weaknesses, but all I want to focus on are my strengths.  When I focus on my strengths I feel stronger.  I don't see my weakness like blinding neon signs and I am excited to keep moving and potentially overcome any and all obstacles threatening to stop me.

I know you wish you had nothing you had to say you can't do, but don't forget all you can do. I know you have medical struggles or family struggles or work struggles.  I also know you are victorious over so many other things.  Live in the victories and they will soon increase.

Another Step

I don't have anything to say I haven't already said.

I know life is difficult.  I know you can do more than survive the difficulties.  I know you feel worn out and tired and overwhelmed, but there will be a day when you feel victorious.

I know sometimes you wish the path you are forced to walk wasn't yours.  Sometimes you wish you could sprint through it just to get it over with, but it is too steep, too rocky, too windy.  You find yourselves crawling and are tempted to lay down.

Some of you have passed through a difficult section of your path and are enjoying a peaceful stroll for a time.  You are stronger and have a moment to refresh before the next difficult bend tries to break you.

Wherever you are, please keep moving. 
Keep hoping. 
Keep dreaming. 
Keep believing that the difficult part of your journey will not last forever. 
It will end. 
You will find your strength. 
You will find your breathe. 
You will look back at the most difficult part of your path and you will finally see how strong and amazing you are. 
You will know that nothing will take you down. 
Nothing will be too big for you.

Dig in, find your strength.  Lean on those who love you . . . and take another step.

New Crayons

One of my favorite things about teaching is the constant opportunity for new beginnings.

A new school year is about to begin and with it a new beginning.  Students are getting new clothes, new pencils, folders and notebooks.  They are excited to meet new teachers and attend new classes.  Even if it felt like last year belonged in the dumpster in Antarctica, students know they have a chance to start over.  Some students are beginning Kindergarten, stepping into school for the first time.  Some are beginning college, entering into an entirely different chapter that will launch them into their future.

Teachers have learned from the previous year and have honed their skills over the summer break.  They are ready to begin their lessons with a new set of students.  They are excited to try to make less mistakes and to take care of themselves so they don't fizzle out in October.  They know they give their heart and soul to these students, but they have to keep a bit for themselves in order to remain standing through May. Some teachers are beginning new teaching assignments.  Some simply have new students.

I daily reflect on how my classroom operates and evaluate what is working and what isn't.  A new school year opens the barn door to more opportunities than can fit under a 20 foot Christmas tree.  I get to try new strategies.  I get to teach well prepared and practiced lessons.  I get to try to make everything amazing.  I get to begin again.

The beginning of the school year is a milestone beginning, but I can start fresh any time I want.

This summer I used all my energy to become the healthiest, well-rounded person I could become.  As this new beginning comes into view I find myself excited.  I am not dreading the long, tiring days.  I am excited to be the best teacher I have ever been and to enjoy each day I get to spend with my students.  No part of my job is easy, but so much of it is enjoyable when I remember I get to inspire young people to be their best.

You don't need a new school year to have a new beginning.  A new beginning can come after a long weekend, in a new morning or simply in a moment when you decide that you will choose differently.

A new beginning is simply a choice to take all your energy and put it into the present with a dump-truck full of hope for the future.  New beginnings mark an end to the past as it tries determining who you are.  The past is essential for teaching us, showing us wrong paths and sometimes right paths.  It is helpful to those who see it and understand, but not to those who continue to live in it.  A mistake is a mistake.  A difficult day is a difficult day.  These moments do not define us.  The choices we make today, the choices we make to move us forward are the most important and precious.

I get to begin a new school year with new smiling faces eager to discover what I have for them this year.  You may not have the same opportunity as I do, but you have this moment.  You have tomorrow morning, you have next week, you have next year.  You have every second of every day.  You may snatch any second that is about to pass you by and make it your new beginning. 

Celebrate what you can do.  Celebrate what you have overcome.  It may still be difficult, you may not feel like a winner. You have already survived so much.  You have already overcome the list of setbacks life has tried to throw at you.  Look at how strong you are.  Look at what you can do.  Forget about what you can't.  Do what you are able over and over and soon, the list of things you can do will grow without you watching.

Judge and Jury

You shouldn't judge another person's journey.
You don't know what difficulties they've survived, what achievements they've celebrated, or what obstacles they've overcome.
You don't know the weaknesses they are aware of and are trying to turn to strengths.
You don't know the mistakes they wish they hadn't made; mistakes they may still be paying for.
You don't know the strength it takes for them to take each step through their day.

I'm tired of judgement. 
I'm tired of feeling like someone is judging me.  I've caught myself looking someone up and down before or staring at them.  Usually, I think they look amazing and wish I could imitate their look.  I've learned to tell them what I was thinking, otherwise they might think my thoughts were negative about them.
I'm tired of feeling like people will look down on my success.  When I succeed they will think it was easy for me.  They will not celebrate my success because they will only think of their failure. 
I'm tired of people having expectations of how my life should look.

Everyone is different and unique.
Everyone has immensely different strengths and weaknesses.
Everyone has different goals, different desires.
We cannot know another person's journey.
We cannot fully understand their day.

However,

We can have compassion.
We can celebrate our neighbors' achievements with genuineness.
We can be sad with them as they go through trials.
We can stand behind them and support them when their path is at its most difficult.
We can start talking and listening and stop judging.

I've been judged off and on all my life. 
When I had cancer, some people wondered why I looked so good.
When I had back surgery, some people thought I wasn't tough enough.
When I shared how I felt, some people pushed me out of their lives.

I know who I am. 
I know I make mistakes.
I know I am not perfect.
I know I am always growing and changing.

Before judging that next person and putting them into the box you have formed, talk for a minute, listen for an hour then know them and know they are an ever-changing person just like you.  Know they are trying to live successfully just like you.

I know some of you are sick.  Some of you are going through a very difficult time.  Some of you are tired of fighting a battle with an end farther away than you would like.  Take courage.  You will survive.  Take one step at a time.  Seek out those who care for you.  Know that you are strong and amazing. 

If we ever meet, I will see how beautiful you are and never judge you.  I know your journey is difficult sometimes and beautiful and easy sometimes.  I know you are strong, but you feel weak.  I know you are unique and special.  Even if some of our story is similar, I know it is still different and I would love to hear your story,  celebrate your successes, and struggle with your struggles while sitting by your side.