I got the call on December 6th. A lady from the Mountain States Tumor Institute, a place that is lovingly called MSTI (misty) called to let me know that my radiation will begin on Thursday, December 11th. My cancer surgery was scheduled for my grandma’s birthday and my first day or radiation happened on my husband’s birthday.
I was not mentally ready for radiation treatment. I didn’t know what it was going to do to me and I was very scared. In my head, I was sure I could handle it fine because I handled everything else fine, but I was still terrified. Perhaps I was scared of the unknown. Perhaps I was not giving it to my Daddy (what I call God, because he loves me like a father and I need to remind myself of that) and the fact that I wasn’t letting go was causing me anxiety and fear.
At this point I was so tired, I felt I couldn’t remember anything. I got overwhelmed easily. I cried at the drop of a hat. I knew I needed something from my Daddy, but I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t put into words my weaknesses and needs, I just knew they existed. I felt like my teaching was lacking, my housework didn’t get done and I felt like I just barely made it through days without having any real accomplishments.
People around me had their own stresses so I didn’t dare add mine to theirs. I would simply continue to trust. Then I read another insert from the Jesus Calling book: “Trust Me and don’t be afraid for I am your strength and song.”
It is tough when the mountain looms. It is terrifying when you feel you are entering a cave without a light, but I have learned, and when I forget, am reminded that with a little faith and trust, I come out okay. I simply have to keep moving.
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