Fighting

Every day, every choice is a battle.

Sometimes I get tired of fighting. 

I am motivated to get up in the morning because I am excited to have my coffee.  I get to sit by the fire and peacefully drink my coffee.  It is a good time to read or write or do nothing.  It is the best way to begin my day.  It is my favorite part of the day.  Waking up too early is always tempered with the prospect of coffee.

After coffee, I begin fighting.  I force myself to make food.  I don't mind eating, but I don't like fixing anything. 

I go to work and try to remember what the more pressing things to do are so I make sure and get them finished first.  I inevitably forget a few things each day and fight to find ways to remind myself. 

If I don't go to work, I fight to figure out what I need to and can do at home.  I always want to rest.  I always want to sit and breathe.  I make myself do things.  I make myself find productive and useful tasks that a responsible adult would do.

I fight to be creative.  I fight to be energetic.  I fight to be positive.

These things are amazing things to do and I want them in my life, but they don't come without a conscience awareness.  They don't come and stay without a little fight to make them a part of my life.

Today I did cleans for the first time in 4 months.  When you do a clean, you essentially take a weight from the ground (it was two 10 pound dumbbells today) and bring it to your shoulders.  It is important to keep your back straight and use your hips to help propel the weight up.  I was thrilled to get to do this movement.  Towards the end of the exercise, when I was getting tired, I arched my back.  I was trying to use my hips, but I added an arch to my back at the same time.  I cannot arch my back!

I noticed.  I felt it.  Any little movement of my back that isn't a neutral spine is always felt.  Some of the awareness comes from scar tissue from surgery, some of it is stiff muscles and some of it is a sign I shouldn't move that way.  The next time I performed the clean, I was extra aware of all my body positions.  I had to fight to pay close attention.

Whether it is deciding which tasks to do, exercising, working or simply walking through the day, there is always a battle involved.  I have to choose what to focus on, what to think about and what to act on. 

 If I don't engage in the battle, my day will take me down.  If I choose not to fight, I will lose.  So I fight.  I make myself move.  I tell myself positive and encouraging things.  I remember what I have already won.  I keep fighting to win each moment of each day.