Heavy Weight

Last week I had an appointment with my back surgeon.  I knew that February 20th marked 12 weeks since my surgery and I had heard I should be free to resume normal activity at that point.  I was hoping the doctor would say, "You are good.  You can go back to doing everything you did before."

He didn't.

He didn't even say, "In a year you can resume all your old activities."

I am good.  I am pain free.  I can do everything I need to do without help.  My x-ray showed a nice even spine, but my herniated disc was such that after they removed the part that was pushing on my nerve, the disc was significantly reduced in size.  The space between those two vertebrae does not have the same amount of cushion as all the other vertebrae.

I can move freely.  I can run.  I can jump.  I still need to move properly, but I'm allowed to move.  The doctor limited the amount of weight I can lift.  This reduction isn't for a year, two years or five years.  It is for the rest of my life.

This probably doesn't seem like a big deal to you.  Why does a 41 year old teacher care about how much weight she can lift?

It comes back to pride.  I used to be able to do that.  I used to be good at that and now I'm not allowed to try.  I could dead-lift 150 pounds multiple times.  I could clean over a hundred.  I could back squat 135 pounds.  These are things I won't ever do again.  I know it's okay.  I know that I don't need to lift that weight, but it was fun.  I will forever be the person who moves lighter weight quickly which is also very good for me.  You don't need to tell me this limitation isn't really a big deal, I know.

If you've read my cancer story, you know that I like being healthy.  I like being capable.  I was raised around strong, capable, hard working people.  These are the things I aspire to be.  I know I am still strong, capable and hard working, but now I have another "but" added to the list.  I can keep up with you, but I can't lift the same weight.  I can do the job you do, but I may get tired sooner.

We all have these "buts" in our lives.  We all have those few limitations.  We are good at a million things, but this one thing is difficult. 

I know what you do.  You think about your one limitation.  You think about the one thing you were told you can't do.  I challenge you in that moment to think about, and perhaps list, the thousands of things you can do.  Add to that list the hundreds you are amazing at doing.

I will still be strong, healthy and active.  And really, which 41 year old woman needs to lift more than 50 pounds.  I'm not going to be hauling rocks.  I don't need to carry my children anymore. 

I don't have limitations, I have an opportunity.  I have an opportunity to take the energy I used to use on all that weight and apply it to something else that will be healthy for me.  I have an opportunity to strengthen a former weakness.  I have the opportunity to be amazing at what I can do.