Pink Story: Surgeon Visit

On October 11th I went to see the surgeon.  I was excited that I would finally know the next step.  I sat in the surgeon’s office, and before he could tell me what he saw on the MRI he heard the cough I’ve had for the last 2 weeks.  He was going to say that there was a spot on my lung, but then when he heard my hack, he figured I probably had pneumonia.  As shocking as it may sound, I was relieved.  I had been sick since my biopsy on September 26th.  I just thought I couldn’t shake this cold. I had been trying to function as if all was well, when in reality, I was walking around with pneumonia.  I was so relieved that I willingly went home and laid on the couch all weekend.  I was really sick, no sense in trying to muscle through.  I wouldn’t get better if I kept doing what I had been doing.  It was time to rest and get better.

In addition to discovering why I had been hacking up fur balls for the past 2 weeks, the surgeon explained that the biopsied area was ductal carcinoma in situ which means that biologically it can’t spread.  They will remove it and do radiation in case there is more hiding in other ducts.

The doctor informed me there were some other unknowns that needed to be found out.  There is a spot near the spot that showed up on the MRI.  They will remove it, but they won’t know what it is until after the surgery.  If it turns out to be an invasive cancer, I may need chemotherapy.

Because of my age they want to do genetic testing to see if I have the gene that keeps my body from fighting off these bad cells.  If the test comes back negative then all will stay the same.  If it comes back positive my chances of getting cancer again are 80% so they will suggest a bilateral mastectomy.  Those were the facts.  

My prayers following that appointment were that the other spot was non-invasive and that the genetic test would come back negative.  My husband called me his hero.  I felt honored and humbled.  I didn’t feel like I was doing much.  

More Sickness

I spent the weekend caring for my sick family and the cold decided to come after me next.  I tried to keep it away, but it came and got me anyway.

I've talked with others who keep trying to ignore their sickness and go through their days as if nothing is wrong.  It isn't a good idea.  It is a good idea to stop, rest and let your body heal.  I have a lot of other things I need to do and would rather be doing, but sometimes it's time to rest.  Sometimes it's time to slow down and recover.  The world won't end.  In fact, it will keep moving without you.

I did realize that I am good at my job.  Even when I am sick, aching all over with a sore throat and weak, I am still better at my job than some people when they are healthy.

I'm thankful for all the help and support that is surrounding me.  My family is blessed to be so well taken care of when we are down.

Pink Story: Peaceful

Sunday my mom and I kept working.  We made the girls’ costumes.  We sewed the mane on the soon-to-be lion and sewed the round bear ears into pinched lion ears. We sewed straw into the legs of the overalls, sleeves and hat of the scarecrow costume.   We used a hanger and some brown material and made a perfect tail for the lion.  When we were finished we had two wonderful costumes ready for trick-or-treating 25 days early.  I’ve never been that early for Halloween.  Thank goodness my mom is so handy.  We kept working and put together my new closet that evening.  What an eventful and busy weekend.  My mom left the next morning.  I was so thankful she had come and so thankful she stayed as long as she did.

When my mom revealed her heart to me, it helped me to see that the people around me watching me are grieving more than I am.  I suppose its because I have something to do.  I have action I can take.  I have steps to take.  They have to watch and wonder.  At this point the statement, “I have cancer” is not real.  It is difficult to say and even more difficult to believe.  Its about as real as “I am married” the day after the wedding.  Things don’t necessarily feel different, but you think they should.

As the next week came and went I felt peaceful.  At least, that is what my journal said.  I knew I needed to have surgery.  I knew I would be meeting with the surgeon soon.  I knew he would tell me what would happen next.  I didn’t know much more than that so the not knowing made me feel peaceful.  I don’t think I was a peaceful as I told myself during that time.  I remember the heavy burden I carried.  I remember there was a lot of not knowing.  I remember, in a sense, holding my breath for fear that if I relaxed everything would burst.  

But that is not what my journal says.  My journal says, “I’m not scared right now, but I think its because I can’t see.  I’m thankful for this peaceful time when I can process all that’s going on.”  Wow! Its difficult to imagine I felt that way, but I wrote those words many days in a row.  I had time to think about what was happening and reflect and that made me feel peaceful.  I’m thankful I wrote that down or I wouldn’t have believed it.

Sick Sucks

Two members of my family were really sick today.  I'm thankful I know what they want.

They want to lay on the couch and watch TV without anyone making them feel guilty.  They don't want to be aware of all their aches and pains.  They want to fall asleep, if possible.  They want to eat, but don't have the energy to make any food on their own.  They want to be cozy and warm, but not too warm.  They want it to be okay with everyone else that they don't feel well.  They don't want to feel pressure to get better sooner than their bodies will let them because then they feel badly for being sick, and they start trying not to burden others instead of just resting and letting their bodies heal.

It's ok to be sick.  It's ok to not feel well.  It's ok to let others take care of you for a bit.
Rest, it will pass and the next day will be much better.

Pink Story: My Mom

My mom had been waiting for me during this procedure.  I took off my comfy scrubs and went out to join her.  I described the experience as weird.  It doesn't always feel like the medical community takes into account what they are doing to a person.  They are looking for ways to see you and fix you, how it feels and looks to the patient is irrelevant.  Its like we don’t even exist.  We are objects rather than people.  Its good that even though the new fangled machines treat us like objects, the people who run them still know how to treat us like people and make us feel at ease when we don’t.  No one goes in for an MRI for the fun of it.  A person gets an MRI because something is wrong.  A good technician realizes that and puts that person at ease.  I appreciate that about the two ladies in charge of my MRI on this day.

My mom and I were ready for a late breakfast.  My mom had a Starbucks card that my grandma had given her so Grandma bought us some breakfast sandwiches and some coffee.  My mom had never had those sandwiches before.  We had a little bit of shopping to do before going home so we drove towards town to a local thrift store for some finishing touches on Halloween costumes for the girls.

Every year my girls’ school has theme Halloween parties.  The students dress us as a character from a book they are reading together as a school.  This year it was Wizard of Oz.  My youngest decided to be the lion.  She had a bear costume from last year that we could turn into a lion costume.  My oldest daughter decided to be the scarecrow.  Fortunately, I had remembered to tell my mom about these things before she came.  If we need something, she usually has it.  Over the years my mom has collected a number of items that she thinks she might be able to use.  She can make anything out of anything.  She has a gift for the creative.  She can see treasure in trash and potential in the over-used.  We know where my youngest collector gets it.  Her gift was an asset growing up with little money.  She is often making gifts and practical items for everyone.  She could start her own craft store with all the supplies she has.  I appreciate that about her and am thankful for her resourcefulness.  Some people don’t understand.  I grew up with her gifts, they are some of what makes her my mom.  She had material for a mane and tail for the lion.  She had straw and patches for the scarecrow.  I had the overalls.  We just needed a hat and a shirt to finish the scarecrow costume.  We found both at the thrift store.  It cost just a few dollars.  Since we were there I looked at some other clothes.  I found 2 wonderful skirts for school.  I love buying things at the thrift store.  I don’t have to love them because they are so cheap and there are many more styles to choose from than at the other stores.  

I had 3 large bins full of material and books that needed a home in my new office.  I wanted a closet so my mom and I went to Home Depot and found a utility closet that was all white.  It had two large doors and shelving inside.  I had seen something like it at someone else’s house and thought it would be perfect for my room.  I had some money and my mom gave me my birthday money so I could get it.  

While we were out my mom purchased a CD she had been wanting.  She played a song for me on the way home that spoke words for her that she was having trouble speaking.  The song essentially said, “I will love you through it.”  I can’t take it away, I can’t make it better, I can’t fix it, but I will love you through it.  She was saying that to me.  It was the first glimpse I had of what this was doing to her.  I wasn’t thinking about what it would be like to have a young daughter get breast cancer and have to watch her go through it.  She had just traveled this path with my grandma the year before.  She never dreamed she would watch me go through it.  She couldn’t do anything, only be there.  She had to imagine what I was going through.  She had to watch me be tired and in pain.  She had to hear how I kept going to work and didn’t tell people what was going on.  She had to wonder how I was getting up in the morning.  She had to wonder if I would be ok.  This is not something a parent imagines having to go through.  Yet here she was.  She did good.  She just loved me.  That’s all anyone can do when the person you love is embarking on a difficult journey.  You can’t take the journey for them and you can rarely make it easier, but you can love them through it.  I am ever thankful for my mom.  

I Work for My Health

My health is a priority.  If I don't do everything I can to remain healthy, I feel miserable.

Let me explain, I avoid gluten.  It causes my stomach to tie up in knots that make me curl in a fetal position in pain.  I eat balanced meals.  I can't skip meals or my energy wanes like the tide preparing for a tsunami.  If I eat the wrong things, I act like a car with the wrong type of gas.

I must get enough sleep.  When allowed, my body wants to sleep 9 hours.  It didn't used to need that much sleep, I used to sleep 7 hours easily and naturally.  If I consistently get less than 7 hours, I start to feel parts of my body giving out on me.  Not only can lack of sleep cause me to get sick, but it keeps me from functioning fully.

I must exercise.  I don't want to exercise.  I never wake up and get excited about pushing my body to the limits.  I never get excited about any sort of work out, but I obediently go to the gym (we call it a box).  If I go, I do the work.  If I go, I will do things that make my body stronger and more capable.  If I go, I will do things I never imagined I would do, but if I stay home, I will sit.  I will rest, I will become unhealthy.

My health is like a kitten sitting on a teeter totter over an active volcano.  The slightest error or imbalance and nothing works and everything hurts.

I'm still learning how to make decisions for my health and ignore the people that think I'm silly for putting my health above what they think I should do.

Imagine a world where everyone put their health first.  Imagine a world where we put each other's health first.  We wouldn't force people to work crazy hours or to have such a long list of things to do that it can't be accomplished in a reasonable amount of time.  We wouldn't expect people to check emails or phones every few minutes.  We would encourage people to take care of themselves and to take care of their families.

Until we encourage each other to do these things, we should remember to do what we can to take care of ourselves.  We should put our own health, our own sanity above the distractions that try to suck us into their craziness.

It's ok to take care of you.

Pink Story: First MRI

The next day, Saturday, October 6th, I had an MRI scheduled.  They wanted to scan and make sure there wasn’t something else that the mammogram had missed and they wanted to check the location again.  I had never had an MRI before and, again, I had no idea what to expect.  My mom went with me while my husband and girls stayed home.  I checked in at the hospital where the MRI station was.  They walked me back to another area where I checked in again.  They showed me down the hall and into an area where I would change.  I wore scrubs for the first time.  I would have loved to take those home.  They were the most comfortable clothes I have ever worn.  They showed me to a small room filled with medical supplies.  I sat in a chair in my awesome scrubs and waited for another person.  She came in and gave me an IV that they would use to inject me with dye later.  I had some cough drops with me to reduce my incessant coughing so I sucked on them and let my eyes wander around the room.  There were different sized needles, gloves, plastic bins with labels, and much more.  I usually use these waiting sessions to check my vision.  I try to read small things from across the room to see if I still have amazing vision.  Unfortunately, my phonics skills are impeccably good from teaching young children that I can figure out a word from only a few letters, so I’m not really testing my vision.  I’m testing my ability to decode words in a sentence.  I still do it, its an interesting way to pass the time.  I was very tired and would have loved to lie down and go to sleep.  It felt like I waited in that room forever.  When they finally finished with the person ahead of me, they rescued me from my boredom.

It was my turn.  They took me to a large room where I took my shoes off.  They showed me to the bed of the machine where I would lay on my stomach with my head in a concave support similar to what they have on massage tables although I knew this wouldn’t be as nice as that.  When I opened my eyes there was a reflecting glass in front of me so I could see the technicians in the other room through the window.  My breasts were nestled into concave grooves so that they could get a good picture.  The ladies explained that I would hear a humming noise from the MRI machine and a ticking noise.  I needed to lie very still and breathe normally.  Don’t forget, I have been sick. My lack of voice had resulted in the hacking cough that often concludes my illnesses.  I had to lie there for 45 minutes and not cough.  Fortunately, I was on my stomach, if I had been on my back it would have been a much more difficult task.  The lady informed me that if I move during the session, everything would be ruined and I would have to come back another day to do it again.  Now that I was thoroughly terrified of ruining the test, I was sure to not cough.  

The ladies left me to hide behind the safety of the thick door and the window while I lay on my stomach waiting for the machine to start.  Fortunately, this bed wasn’t as uncomfortable as the biopsy table.  The bed slid back into the MRI machine.  I’ve heard horror stories about MRIs and how people feel claustrophobic.  I might have had that sense if I could have seen.  My eyes could only see the little window below my eyes so the knowledge of how much space was above my head was not for me to know.  The machine made its noise.  I had earplugs in so I don’t really know how loud it was.  I laid very still.  I didn’t cough.  The machine worked its magic for about 30 minutes.  I laid still and didn’t cough.  Every once in a while there was a pause as the machine adjusted and the technician told me I could cough if I needed to.  It was nice to know there were breaks, but I did ok.    It finally came time for the dye.  They began injecting the dye into my body through the IV.  The machine spent another 15 minutes taking pictures.  The machine watched the dye move through me.  Then it was over.  The bed moved out from the machine.  The technician came to help me get up.  I sat on the bed for a second to regain my balance.  During the different photography sessions the ladies would come in to adjust something.  I got very familiar with their shoes.  I could see the ladies talking behind the glass. They could have been talking small talk or talking about me.  I didn’t know.  I didn’t feel well and all these new experiences were not what I thought I would be doing this fall. It never mattered to me that many people go through these things.  I hadn’t gone through them before and I hadn’t planned on going through them either.