Pink Story: Peaceful

Sunday my mom and I kept working.  We made the girls’ costumes.  We sewed the mane on the soon-to-be lion and sewed the round bear ears into pinched lion ears. We sewed straw into the legs of the overalls, sleeves and hat of the scarecrow costume.   We used a hanger and some brown material and made a perfect tail for the lion.  When we were finished we had two wonderful costumes ready for trick-or-treating 25 days early.  I’ve never been that early for Halloween.  Thank goodness my mom is so handy.  We kept working and put together my new closet that evening.  What an eventful and busy weekend.  My mom left the next morning.  I was so thankful she had come and so thankful she stayed as long as she did.

When my mom revealed her heart to me, it helped me to see that the people around me watching me are grieving more than I am.  I suppose its because I have something to do.  I have action I can take.  I have steps to take.  They have to watch and wonder.  At this point the statement, “I have cancer” is not real.  It is difficult to say and even more difficult to believe.  Its about as real as “I am married” the day after the wedding.  Things don’t necessarily feel different, but you think they should.

As the next week came and went I felt peaceful.  At least, that is what my journal said.  I knew I needed to have surgery.  I knew I would be meeting with the surgeon soon.  I knew he would tell me what would happen next.  I didn’t know much more than that so the not knowing made me feel peaceful.  I don’t think I was a peaceful as I told myself during that time.  I remember the heavy burden I carried.  I remember there was a lot of not knowing.  I remember, in a sense, holding my breath for fear that if I relaxed everything would burst.  

But that is not what my journal says.  My journal says, “I’m not scared right now, but I think its because I can’t see.  I’m thankful for this peaceful time when I can process all that’s going on.”  Wow! Its difficult to imagine I felt that way, but I wrote those words many days in a row.  I had time to think about what was happening and reflect and that made me feel peaceful.  I’m thankful I wrote that down or I wouldn’t have believed it.