One At a Time

I made it through microdiscectomy surgery just fine.  I love falling asleep and waking up to hear that everything is finished.  It takes a while to process that an entire surgical procedure happened on your body and you had no awareness of it.  I prefer it that way.

As I have been recovering I found myself being thankful again.  I am thankful for over 2 years of CrossFit that taught me how my body is supposed to move so I know exactly how to move in order to keep the pain away.  I'm thankful that I went into this procedure healthy and strong so that I will recover faster.

It was during these thankful thoughts that it occurred to me that health is something you acquire one choice at a time.  Each day, each moment, we make choices about our activity, our food, our social circles, and our spiritual needs.  It isn't something you have one day and is gone the next.  It definitely isn't something you don't have then wake up the next day with great health.  It is a long process spanning years that is simply created one choice at a time.

You have to make your own choices.  You have to find your own path.  Here is a bit of mine:

Since my girls were very young I chose to get up an hour before I actually needed to in order to begin my day.  I use that hour to enjoy my coffee and process my thoughts and feelings.  I might write, I might talk, I might sit and do nothing.  It is a precious time that is worth a little less sleep and it helps me begin my day with peace.

I surround myself with dear friends who are encouraging and accept me just as I am.  I am very careful not to invest myself in people who tear me down or who don't know me or don't want to know me.  I am blessed to have friends that stretch back to childhood.  I don't have to talk to them everyday, our friendship is that strong and secure.

I choose food that makes me feel good.  There is food we eat when we are down, comfort food, which we simply enjoy eating, but I a not talking about comfort food.  I choose food that actually makes my body feel healthier and stronger.  I know the doughnut will cause a headache and make my stomach hurt so as good as it may taste, I don't desire it because I won't feel good.

I choose exercise because, without it, I will be weak and more aches and pains will come that I could have avoided by training regularly, moving and getting stronger.  I choose to take time out of my day to keep my body strong, to gain energy so that I can enjoy life and I can take on whatever it throws at me.  My husband and I went to Ireland last year.  We were able to hike the Cliffs of Moher for hours.  I watched as people much younger than me were out of breath after just 30 minutes.

One choice at a time 
One day at a time
One moment at a time

Becoming healthy in spirit, mind, body and soul happens one little decision at a time.

The Thief

Most have heard the Bible verses about not worrying about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself.  Before that statement, Jesus points out that the flowers that will die or be trampled upon are more beautiful than the richest man in the world.  If God cares enough to make them beautiful how much more does he care about a person whom he loves.

With this knowledge that my heavenly father, my Daddy, loves me enough to care about the simplest details of my life, I should be able to rest in the knowledge that He will take care of whatever needs taking care of.  No amount of worry can change anything.

I have surgery tomorrow, not just any surgery: back surgery.  I did everything in my power to avoid this surgery, to fix myself so that it wouldn't be necessary.  In the face of the unknown and the scary, I choose to trust.  Each moment a worry or concern tries to sneak into my mind, I send it to my Daddy and let him know that He has to take care of it.  I can't control anything.  I can't think my way through the surgery.  I can't worry away the risks.  I can trust.  I can know that I am doing the right thing and trust that the results will work out.  At the end of the day I will always be victorious because I trusted and did not learn on my own understanding.

Worry is a thief.  It steals our peace of mind and replaces it with panic.  It steals our time as we run through our worrisome thoughts.  It steals our hope and replaces it with doubt.  It steals our joy and replaces it with fear.  It steals our present, our mind is so fixed on the "what ifs" of the future that we miss out on the moment.

Choosing to not worry isn't easy.  It is extremely difficult and doesn't happen just once.  The choice happens over and over.  Each moment that a worrisome thought sneaks in, the choice must be made again and again.

As you venture into the next scary moment, choose to hope, choose to trust.  Do everything in your power to keep the worry away.



Matthew 6:25-34
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes?  See how the flowers of the field grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you . . .?  So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Stubborn

This recent difficulty I've been dealing with has revealed to me how stubborn I am.

I've always known I'm a bit stubborn.  I like to be correct and I like to have my way.  I've learned how to be more gracious and lenient with other's wishes over the years, but when it comes to things trying to take me out, I am still very stubborn.

When my health tries to make me stop, I find myself gritting my teeth and moving forward stubbornly.  It might be viewed as grit or determination, but this time around it feels like stubbornness.

I have a herniated disc that in itself doesn't cause a lot of pain, but that particular disc is pushing on my sciatic nerve causing constant pain.

The pain has been nagging since last summer.  I continued to do CrossFit.  I continued to do all the things I like to do.  In October the pain got worse.  It hurt to sit, but I sat in the car for a 10 hour drive to the coast.  It hurt to do everything, but lay down.  I continued to go to work and sit and stand and bend and teach.  It wasn't until the pain had me crawling on the floor that I finally had to stop working.

They told me I needed surgery, I didn't want to.  I tried resting.  I tried stretching.  I tried physical therapy.  It wasn't until I could no longer walk on my own that I gave in and scheduled surgery.  You will find me getting my own drink and my own food and trying to take care of myself.  The only time I get help is when they force it on me.

I am resilient, determined, strong, and a fighter, but I am also stubborn.  I want to be able to do the work.  I don't want to be the one on the side lines.  I want to be able to finish the job.  I want to be able to accomplish the tasks on my list.

When something is taken from me, I get knocked down a notch.  I have to ask for and accept help.  I have to watch people serve me.  I am grateful beyond measure for all the people that have helped me.  Watching them take care of me and feeling the ache inside simply puts a greater spotlight on my stubbornness.

I choose to believe that sometimes this stubbornness helps me get stuff done.  The rest of the time, I have to put it aside and let other people shine.

Orange Story: Living With It

For the most part, after the first couple months of my MS diagnosis and the ups and downs of learning how to cope with medication and what it was doing to me, I've simply had to learn what it looks like to live with MS.

Living with MS means as long as I sleep good each night, eat right, stay away from stress and drastic temperature changes I feel perfectly well.  If any of these things are disturbed, I feel tired, run down or simple out of sorts.  I can still do most things.  I can still function normally, but it may take more effort or more time.  My journals are full of my reports on how a bad night's sleep affected my day or how the weather turned cold or hot and suddenly I feel run down. 

Living with MS has made me stop and pay attention to myself.  I've had to take care of myself regardless of what is going on around me.  I have to put myself first or I feel the negative effects immediately.

Living with MS means living with the unknown.  The biggest adjustment I've had to make isn't the medication or the diet, it is the unknown.  Living with MS means that at any moment something new can be taken from me.  When I was originally diagnosed I went to bed after playing "Just Dance" with my girls and woke up with the inability to move the left side of my face.  I had no warning this was going to happen. 

Living with MS means that today I may be able to run and tomorrow I may not.  It means that today I can see and tomorrow I may lose my sight.  I don't anticipate any of these things happening.  I will take care of myself and do everything in my power to remain healthy, but MS doesn't care about that.  It can take whatever it wants whenever it wants.  I can't control it. 

Living with MS means I take care to control what I can.  I sleep well because I can control when I go to bed.  I eat well because I can control what I put in my mouth.  I exercise because I can control my physical health.  I share my thoughts and fears because I can control my mental health.  I know who to trust for the things I can't control and lean on Him with everything to keep my spirit healthy.

Living with MS means that I am daily thankful for what I can do, for the people that are in my life, for each moment that I have.  I am aware that these moments are here now and are not guaranteed forever.  I am aware that my abilities are here now and may not be here forever.  I am in the moment.  I am thankful and I can see clearly what I have today.

Living with MS means I am living.  MS will do what it will, I will keep on living and moving forward.

Thanksgiving

I've made some observations about Thanksgiving over the past couple of days. 

I've observed people suddenly trying to be more thankful than they were a month ago.  I've observed more people at the grocery store, many of those people almost running over me as I hobbled through the aisles with my cane.  I've observed more people on the road, many of them impatient and driving dangerously.  I've observed commercials about having more stuff or nicer stuff.  I've observed people making Thanksgiving the mark to allow them to begin their Christmas shopping or to shop good deals for themselves.

Thanksgiving isn't about any of that.

Thanksgiving is a date on the calendar where people make a conscious decision to get together with family or friends.  Sometimes they travel, sometimes they don't.  They often connect with people they haven't connected with in a while.  Sometimes these groups come together out of obligation.  Sometimes they come together because they actually want to be together. During this time these people eat their favorite traditional Thanksgiving foods.  

Thanksgiving and its traditions shouldn't be an obligation.  It shouldn't be stressful.  It shouldn't cost an obscene amount of money.  Thanksgiving shouldn't be a day to be dreaded.

Thanksgiving should bring us memories of family and friends that surround us all year long.  Thanksgiving gives us an opportunity to be with as many of those people as we can, eat together, visit together and enjoy each other's company.  Thanksgiving doesn't have to happen on the fourth Thursday of November.  It can happen anytime we eat with those we care about and are thankful to have in our lives.

Thanksgiving isn't about table decorations or big turkeys.  It's about people.  It's about people you can count on, who are there to support you and encourage you and give you a hand when you need it.  Thanksgiving gives us an opportunity to stop and celebrate the people we love.  Even if we can't be with them, we can celebrate and appreciate what they add to our lives.

Enjoy your day this Thanksgiving.  Pause from the running and really see what you have to be thankful for.  Sit back and enjoy your blessings.  Those blessings may not always be around, you don't want to miss out because you were worried about how your table looked or whether or not you had the perfect food or who showed up or who didn't.

Be thankful for all you have before it is gone.

Orange Story: New Normal

Once I figured out how to manage my MS medication, I had to accept a new normal.

I discovered I moved at a slower pace, not literally, but I tended to do everything at a slow even keel.  If I had a list of tasks, I completed a few them then I needed to pause before completing a few more.  I couldn't simply push myself through a list of chores like I used to do.

Before MS, I could accomplish great feats of work in a day.  I can't do that now.  I will end up being too worn out.  It will always take me longer to complete a long list because I refuse to push myself to the limit just to accomplish a list of tasks.

People all over are busy from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to bed at night.  They are also waking up early and staying up late.  They fill their day with scheduled events and rush through meals in order to get to the next event or skip meals all together.  I used to be capable of this.  I used to be able to work all day, come home and clean the house or make dinner, do laundry and be capable of doing it all again the next day.  I could do all of it alone and didn't need any help.

My new normal is that I can't do that anymore.  I can't do it all.  I definitely can't do it alone.  I manage my time.  I make time to breathe, to rest, to take care of my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

My new normal means that I say "no" when I'm too tired.  My new normal is that I let things go, not everything is perfect all the time, not everything is finished all the time.  My new normal is that I put myself first.  My new normal is that I create peace in my life.  At the end of the day, I did everything I needed to do, everything that was good for me, and I sleep in peace.  The next day will hold what it holds.  Most of the time, I am not worried about tomorrow or fretting about yesterday.

My new normal may be a bit slower, but it's also a bit easier, nicer and healthier.  It is unfortunate that MS brought me to this wonderful place.  I could have enjoyed this place longer if I had learned to slow down before MS knocked on my door.

I Can't. . .

I can't take a shower, but I'm thankful I can take a bath.
I can't sit at the table to eat, but I'm thankful I can stand at the counter with my family.
I can't go for a walk with my friend, but I'm thankful I can walk through the house.
I can't go to work, but I'm thankful that people can take over for me until I can return.
I can't make my own meals, but I'm thankful for family and friends that make me food.
I can't clean my house, but I'm thankful for responsible daughters whom I've trained well and who are       helpful.
I can't do my own laundry, but I'm thankful for helping hands who pitch in.
I can't sit on the couch to watch that movie, but I'm thankful I can join you by sitting in the recliner.
I can't spend time on my hair, but I'm thankful my stylist cut it so I don't have to.
I can't shave my legs, but I'm thankful for the grey hair so it doesn't show much.
I can't drive, but I'm thankful I can be a passenger.

There are many things I can't do right now.
There are still things I can do.
With my trusty cane, I can walk a bit farther, pick things up and get myself dressed.
With loved ones around me, I can do anything and am lacking in no thing.

I can't . . . but I'm thankful I can. . . .