Stubborn

This recent difficulty I've been dealing with has revealed to me how stubborn I am.

I've always known I'm a bit stubborn.  I like to be correct and I like to have my way.  I've learned how to be more gracious and lenient with other's wishes over the years, but when it comes to things trying to take me out, I am still very stubborn.

When my health tries to make me stop, I find myself gritting my teeth and moving forward stubbornly.  It might be viewed as grit or determination, but this time around it feels like stubbornness.

I have a herniated disc that in itself doesn't cause a lot of pain, but that particular disc is pushing on my sciatic nerve causing constant pain.

The pain has been nagging since last summer.  I continued to do CrossFit.  I continued to do all the things I like to do.  In October the pain got worse.  It hurt to sit, but I sat in the car for a 10 hour drive to the coast.  It hurt to do everything, but lay down.  I continued to go to work and sit and stand and bend and teach.  It wasn't until the pain had me crawling on the floor that I finally had to stop working.

They told me I needed surgery, I didn't want to.  I tried resting.  I tried stretching.  I tried physical therapy.  It wasn't until I could no longer walk on my own that I gave in and scheduled surgery.  You will find me getting my own drink and my own food and trying to take care of myself.  The only time I get help is when they force it on me.

I am resilient, determined, strong, and a fighter, but I am also stubborn.  I want to be able to do the work.  I don't want to be the one on the side lines.  I want to be able to finish the job.  I want to be able to accomplish the tasks on my list.

When something is taken from me, I get knocked down a notch.  I have to ask for and accept help.  I have to watch people serve me.  I am grateful beyond measure for all the people that have helped me.  Watching them take care of me and feeling the ache inside simply puts a greater spotlight on my stubbornness.

I choose to believe that sometimes this stubbornness helps me get stuff done.  The rest of the time, I have to put it aside and let other people shine.