It is essential that we surround ourselves with people who know and accept us for who we are. We are each incredibly different and incredibly unique people. When you find someone who knows and understands you and loves all the different parts of you, you need to keep them around and make sure they know how much you appreciate them. Our journeys can be difficult. We need to surround ourselves with people that are wiling to walk with us or to simply hear about our journey.
My daughters are teenagers. I daily watch them discover themselves and learn how to be comfortable in their own skin. I want them to be confident, responsible, independent, and strong young women. I don't want anyone to ever undermine them and put down the beautiful personalities they have.
I know this dream of mine is unrealistic. They will meet people who bring them down. They will meet people who slander them. They will meet people who don't believe in their amazing qualities. Hopefully, in those heart crushing moments, they will have a friend who will remind them of what is true and stand by them as they continue to confidently be who they were created to be.
You may have a difficult time finding a person who will remind you how amazing you are. Fortunately, you can easily be that person to someone else. I am now 41 years old. I hope that over the years I have been that encouraging friend to others. I am thankful for each friend that has come my way. I am thankful for each person who takes the time to get to know me and lets me be myself.
Life is tough. Be the friend who makes it easier for someone else to walk through it.
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Friday, June 15, 2018
Just Today
The way we walk down our paths is determined by what is in our head and where we set our eyes.
I've said it many times, our lives are a journey. We are each walking down a path or driving down a road toward our own destination. Everyone's path is different. Everyone's path is full of rocky places.
Imagine a path that bends and twists. It's mostly dirt, but every once in a while a tree root crosses the it. The trees are tall and thick and try to block your view. Sometimes their full leaves block out the sun. The snow-capped mountains stretch beyond the trees. Sometimes the clouds hide the mountain tops and they appear to have no end. The birds sing their various songs in the trees. The deer meander in between the brown tree trucks. The wild flowers add drops of color in between the tall grass.
Sometimes the rain pelts down and turns the dirt path to mud. Your feet get stuck. When they do make it out of the mud your feet are weighed down like they've grown a steel plated toe. Sometimes it is too dark. The trees block the sun then at night they block the moon. Sometimes strange animals lurk in the shadows. Sometimes they sneak out of the shadows like someone with a secret.
When it's beautiful and calm, it's easy to start looking up at the trees or the birds or the mountains. Turning your eyes away from the path for a moment can cause your toe to catch on a rock or a root and you trip and fall. Sometimes the trail is difficult to find. If you are caught paying attention to anything other than the path you may get lost or get hurt.
Turning your eyes away from the path for just a moment could cause pain. Thinking about any thing other than the next step could cause you to be lost and confused. The goal may be to reach the peak of the mountain, but the moment your eyes are on the mountain instead of on the step in front of you, danger has already come.
Those dark clouds looming ahead might bring rain. If you focus on them and worry about what they might do, you will miss what is happening in the moment, the waterfall pouring over the rocks making rainbows in the pool. The river around the bend might be too flooded to cross, but there might also be a bridge ready and waiting. Whether it is flooded or easy to cross, thinking about the river, wondering and worrying how you will cross it while still walking on the path will only blind you to what is in front of you.
Over the years I've learned to watch the next place I will set my foot. I've learned to keep my thoughts on the moment I am currently in. Looking too far ahead or thinking about all of the "what ifs" in the world always causes problems with the present. You may have plans for tomorrow, but you are living in today.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Doing "Me"
I've been practicing doing "me." I've been trying not to think about what others might expect me to do or what they think I should do and simply be who I know I am. I want to be true to myself and not let opinions of others, especially those who don't really know me, deter me from walking tall and confident.
I am never faking my personality or acting like someone else. The way I neglect being "me" is by hiding. I will not say what I am thinking. I will keep myself from acting a certain way. I will quietly blend into my environment rather than risk being ridiculed or judged. I am really good at "not." I am good at not talking, not doing, not causing ripples or problems. I might be like the invisible man or rather, woman. I am not a chameleon who can blend into my situation by changing. I am better at becoming invisible or at least trying to hide in the shadows.
I don't imagine this is how I am supposed to behave. I should be able to say what I would like, act the way I would like and be myself with confidence. Underneath everything, I don't want to hurt you, offend you, upset you, or make you think poorly of me so I guard my every move. I know this isn't okay so I am trying to do "me."
I need to think about what I really want in a situation and voice my opinion. I can accept my idea being rejected, but I need to speak. I need to think about how I really feel and let myself feel that way. I need to let myself be sad, happy, scared, lonely, overwhelmed, . . . . I know it is good to feel and it is good to let the feelings wash over me and turn into something else. It is healthy to embrace all the good and bad that life throws at me and accept the "me" I become because of it.
So, this summer, I am practicing doing "me." I will make choices I want to make and be honest. I will let others know me and choose to accept or reject me. If they don't like who I am, I am not going to hide myself for them.
I have two teenage girls. I want them to walk tall and confidently in who they are and I never want them to change themselves for anyone else. I want them to find people who love everything about them and surround themselves with those people as they appreciate the flaws and perfections. I need to set an example for them. I need to be my whole self all the time so they know how to do the same. I need to stand tall so no one dares take me down. I need to speak confidently so others don't question whether I speak truth. I need to be glad to be "me" and to stop comparing myself to others.
I accept the challenge to be all of me without shame or without hiding.
I am never faking my personality or acting like someone else. The way I neglect being "me" is by hiding. I will not say what I am thinking. I will keep myself from acting a certain way. I will quietly blend into my environment rather than risk being ridiculed or judged. I am really good at "not." I am good at not talking, not doing, not causing ripples or problems. I might be like the invisible man or rather, woman. I am not a chameleon who can blend into my situation by changing. I am better at becoming invisible or at least trying to hide in the shadows.
I don't imagine this is how I am supposed to behave. I should be able to say what I would like, act the way I would like and be myself with confidence. Underneath everything, I don't want to hurt you, offend you, upset you, or make you think poorly of me so I guard my every move. I know this isn't okay so I am trying to do "me."
I need to think about what I really want in a situation and voice my opinion. I can accept my idea being rejected, but I need to speak. I need to think about how I really feel and let myself feel that way. I need to let myself be sad, happy, scared, lonely, overwhelmed, . . . . I know it is good to feel and it is good to let the feelings wash over me and turn into something else. It is healthy to embrace all the good and bad that life throws at me and accept the "me" I become because of it.
So, this summer, I am practicing doing "me." I will make choices I want to make and be honest. I will let others know me and choose to accept or reject me. If they don't like who I am, I am not going to hide myself for them.
I have two teenage girls. I want them to walk tall and confidently in who they are and I never want them to change themselves for anyone else. I want them to find people who love everything about them and surround themselves with those people as they appreciate the flaws and perfections. I need to set an example for them. I need to be my whole self all the time so they know how to do the same. I need to stand tall so no one dares take me down. I need to speak confidently so others don't question whether I speak truth. I need to be glad to be "me" and to stop comparing myself to others.
I accept the challenge to be all of me without shame or without hiding.
Friday, June 8, 2018
Choose You
It's summer for me now. I am a teacher and I am blessed with summers every year, but this is the first one I've truly had in 4 years. I spent the last 3 summers working on my master's degree and even though that may not seem like a big deal, it was. This year, I get to spend time planning for my new group of 2nd graders I'll meet in the fall. I also get to make sure I am as healthy as I can be physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually.
Taking care of ourselves is something we tend to put off. We are often good at taking care of others, putting ourselves last, and focusing on our environment rather than ourselves. I like having time to reset and make sure I am making good choices for me before the chaos of school returns. I hope I can create good patterns and habits during my off time so when the schedule begins again I will continue to remain healthy.
Taking care of ourselves is essential. I am capable of putting my head down and plowing through anything disregarding how I feel. I am capable of functioning on very little sleep, no exercise and poor diet. Simply because I am capable doesn't mean I should. I find myself saying, "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should," in my head all the time. We can do many things. We are resilient and strong and determined. But how will we feel when we've reached the end of ourselves? Who will we neglect because we simply have no more to give?
When I got diagnosed with cancer, everything stopped. I didn't attend every event. I didn't stay up late. If I didn't feel well, I listened to my body and acted accordingly. Once I was clear of treatment, I was determined to get strong and healthy again. I started exercising regularly. I tried eating better. Then MS came knocking. I was forced to exercise more, eat perfectly and get all the sleep I needed. If I didn't take care of myself, my body would become lethargic and I wouldn't be able to think or speak clearly. I would like to say I didn't have a choice. I had to be healthy, but I did have a choice. I do have a choice. I can choose to ignore my health. I can choose to lay around, eat poorly and stay up late. I have that freedom. Even though I have the freedom, I don't like the results of those choices. I don't like feeling poorly. I don't like having no energy.
So I choose to take care of myself. I exercise no matter what. I eat foods that make me feel good. I get a full night's sleep even if others want to stay up late. Before I put something in my mouth, I think about how I will feel. I decide if it's worth it, then I make my choice. We can have the best donuts in the world delivered to our door. Every once in a while, eating one of those donuts is worth it. One donut won't hurt me enough for me to refuse it, but I'll turn down those store bought cookies and that soda pop in a second. They do not taste good enough to compensate for how horrible I will feel if I eat them.
Everyone reading this is different. Everyone has to decide for themselves how they choose to care for themselves or not care for themselves. I didn't do a great job of it until my body said I absolutely had to. The consequences weren't that bad, but they weren't that good either. It all comes down to choices. Remaining healthy and keeping my body fat down can help me avoid another bought of cancer - the work is worth it to me. Exercising and keeping my muscles and brain healthy can help keep MS from attacking another part of my body. I can't see these invisible forces working inside me, but I know every choice I make affects them. I have my treats, no one could call me a health nut, but I choose my pleasures carefully and I don't sacrifice feeling good for a piece of candy.
I feel sad when I see unhealthy people. I feel sad because I know they don't feel well. It doesn't matter what they number is on the scale, I know they are more tired and hurt when they move. I know it is difficult when you can't get your body to obey you. I wish and hope for people to think about what is most important to them. Our choices should mimic our values. There are consequences to every decision. You never know which disease you can avoid simply be making a different choice.
Taking care of ourselves is something we tend to put off. We are often good at taking care of others, putting ourselves last, and focusing on our environment rather than ourselves. I like having time to reset and make sure I am making good choices for me before the chaos of school returns. I hope I can create good patterns and habits during my off time so when the schedule begins again I will continue to remain healthy.
Taking care of ourselves is essential. I am capable of putting my head down and plowing through anything disregarding how I feel. I am capable of functioning on very little sleep, no exercise and poor diet. Simply because I am capable doesn't mean I should. I find myself saying, "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should," in my head all the time. We can do many things. We are resilient and strong and determined. But how will we feel when we've reached the end of ourselves? Who will we neglect because we simply have no more to give?
When I got diagnosed with cancer, everything stopped. I didn't attend every event. I didn't stay up late. If I didn't feel well, I listened to my body and acted accordingly. Once I was clear of treatment, I was determined to get strong and healthy again. I started exercising regularly. I tried eating better. Then MS came knocking. I was forced to exercise more, eat perfectly and get all the sleep I needed. If I didn't take care of myself, my body would become lethargic and I wouldn't be able to think or speak clearly. I would like to say I didn't have a choice. I had to be healthy, but I did have a choice. I do have a choice. I can choose to ignore my health. I can choose to lay around, eat poorly and stay up late. I have that freedom. Even though I have the freedom, I don't like the results of those choices. I don't like feeling poorly. I don't like having no energy.
So I choose to take care of myself. I exercise no matter what. I eat foods that make me feel good. I get a full night's sleep even if others want to stay up late. Before I put something in my mouth, I think about how I will feel. I decide if it's worth it, then I make my choice. We can have the best donuts in the world delivered to our door. Every once in a while, eating one of those donuts is worth it. One donut won't hurt me enough for me to refuse it, but I'll turn down those store bought cookies and that soda pop in a second. They do not taste good enough to compensate for how horrible I will feel if I eat them.
Everyone reading this is different. Everyone has to decide for themselves how they choose to care for themselves or not care for themselves. I didn't do a great job of it until my body said I absolutely had to. The consequences weren't that bad, but they weren't that good either. It all comes down to choices. Remaining healthy and keeping my body fat down can help me avoid another bought of cancer - the work is worth it to me. Exercising and keeping my muscles and brain healthy can help keep MS from attacking another part of my body. I can't see these invisible forces working inside me, but I know every choice I make affects them. I have my treats, no one could call me a health nut, but I choose my pleasures carefully and I don't sacrifice feeling good for a piece of candy.
I feel sad when I see unhealthy people. I feel sad because I know they don't feel well. It doesn't matter what they number is on the scale, I know they are more tired and hurt when they move. I know it is difficult when you can't get your body to obey you. I wish and hope for people to think about what is most important to them. Our choices should mimic our values. There are consequences to every decision. You never know which disease you can avoid simply be making a different choice.
Thursday, May 31, 2018
Constants in Storms
For the past few days I have been thinking about what I could say this week. I've been seeing real, raw, unremarkable life lately. Some of it is difficult, some is daily, most is the same each day.
Mistakes have been made. People are sick or weary. Celebrations have come and gone. I see people in passing or think about them throughout the day. It seems mundane. It seems simple, yet it isn't.
The basic, simple, everyday moments of life are the most precious. They are the moments we miss when the unexpected bangs on our door. Those are the moments we cling to when we miss our loved ones, when we feel weary or when we feel alone.
Whatever your life resembles right now, chaos or peace, find the simple moments to breathe in and remember who you are and that none of these unexpected difficulties can take you down.
On my most difficult days, I know my dog will greet me with her tail wagging and her rear end following close behind. She will rub on my legs and growl her loving growl letting me know she missed me and is happy I am home. She does this when I wake up in the morning also. She is thrilled that I have woken up to be with her. There is nothing that would keep her from greeting me, including a bandaged and wrapped foot and a cone on her head.
I know that I can see my family and they will be by my side whether my day was difficult or easy or mundane. I know that my friends who know me and care about me will be just around the corner no matter what my day or their day was like.
My world may get turned upside down. I may not know which direction is up or which direction I am going. I may feel overwhelmed and beat down, but the constants in my life will remind me that I am okay, will be okay tomorrow, and can rest in my constants while the storm rages around me.
Mistakes have been made. People are sick or weary. Celebrations have come and gone. I see people in passing or think about them throughout the day. It seems mundane. It seems simple, yet it isn't.
The basic, simple, everyday moments of life are the most precious. They are the moments we miss when the unexpected bangs on our door. Those are the moments we cling to when we miss our loved ones, when we feel weary or when we feel alone.
Whatever your life resembles right now, chaos or peace, find the simple moments to breathe in and remember who you are and that none of these unexpected difficulties can take you down.
On my most difficult days, I know my dog will greet me with her tail wagging and her rear end following close behind. She will rub on my legs and growl her loving growl letting me know she missed me and is happy I am home. She does this when I wake up in the morning also. She is thrilled that I have woken up to be with her. There is nothing that would keep her from greeting me, including a bandaged and wrapped foot and a cone on her head.
I know that I can see my family and they will be by my side whether my day was difficult or easy or mundane. I know that my friends who know me and care about me will be just around the corner no matter what my day or their day was like.
My world may get turned upside down. I may not know which direction is up or which direction I am going. I may feel overwhelmed and beat down, but the constants in my life will remind me that I am okay, will be okay tomorrow, and can rest in my constants while the storm rages around me.
Friday, May 25, 2018
End of a Season
The school year ended today. The 28 seven and eight year-olds that I spend 7 hours a day with and have watched grow academically, physically and emotionally are no longer my responsibility.
It's a relief to release the burden of their education and growth on to someone else, but it is also a bit of a loss. I know these kiddos so well. I know how to get them to do what they don't want to do. I know how to push them to their best, I know where their buttons are, I know when they get scared and why. I have walked with them on this adventurous journey for 9 months. During the school year, we spend more time together during the week than we spend with our families.
It is the end of a season. It is time for them to move on to 3rd grade. It is time for me to rest up so I can do it all over again next year.
Parts of this season have been difficult. The adjustment from independent 6th graders to not so independent 2nd graders last fall, 6 weeks off of work, back surgery, trying to catch up after losing 6 weeks, tired days, and grumpy days. But, part of the season, a larger part, has been amazing. I love it when my students are proud of their own work. I love it when they have been struggling and finally overcome. The victory on their face is immeasurable. I love it when they start taking responsibility for things they once let others take responsibility for.
On this day I am happy to be entering summer, but also aware I will miss being a part of those kiddos lives. I remember that seasons end.
Whether a season is good or bad or a little of both, it will end. It is a constant reminder to live in each moment and each day. It is a constant reminder that the moment will not last. Whatever we are going to take from it, we must take quickly.
When I was 16 I was aware I would not have my special grandma forever. I also knew that one day I would go to college, get married and have a family. While I had time and the ability, I made time for my grandma. I set aside time in my week to play games with her, eat Almond Roca and enjoy each other's presence. Later, when I couldn't visit every week, I still had the relationship so when I did see her it was special and amazing.
I can't control when the moments come or go, but I can make sure I don't wish them away or waste them when they come. Once you look back on the moment that passed, it is more precious than rare gems. Don't let it pass unnoticed.
It's a relief to release the burden of their education and growth on to someone else, but it is also a bit of a loss. I know these kiddos so well. I know how to get them to do what they don't want to do. I know how to push them to their best, I know where their buttons are, I know when they get scared and why. I have walked with them on this adventurous journey for 9 months. During the school year, we spend more time together during the week than we spend with our families.
It is the end of a season. It is time for them to move on to 3rd grade. It is time for me to rest up so I can do it all over again next year.
Parts of this season have been difficult. The adjustment from independent 6th graders to not so independent 2nd graders last fall, 6 weeks off of work, back surgery, trying to catch up after losing 6 weeks, tired days, and grumpy days. But, part of the season, a larger part, has been amazing. I love it when my students are proud of their own work. I love it when they have been struggling and finally overcome. The victory on their face is immeasurable. I love it when they start taking responsibility for things they once let others take responsibility for.
On this day I am happy to be entering summer, but also aware I will miss being a part of those kiddos lives. I remember that seasons end.
Whether a season is good or bad or a little of both, it will end. It is a constant reminder to live in each moment and each day. It is a constant reminder that the moment will not last. Whatever we are going to take from it, we must take quickly.
When I was 16 I was aware I would not have my special grandma forever. I also knew that one day I would go to college, get married and have a family. While I had time and the ability, I made time for my grandma. I set aside time in my week to play games with her, eat Almond Roca and enjoy each other's presence. Later, when I couldn't visit every week, I still had the relationship so when I did see her it was special and amazing.
I can't control when the moments come or go, but I can make sure I don't wish them away or waste them when they come. Once you look back on the moment that passed, it is more precious than rare gems. Don't let it pass unnoticed.
Friday, May 18, 2018
No Worries
Last summer after my master's graduation (it wasn't just any graduation - I got my master's degree- which will always be a very big deal to me), my mom and her husband gave me a necklace. It was heart-shaped with diamonds around the outside and my birthstone in the center. I loved it! I loved it because it was my birthstone, it was heart-shaped, it was pretty, it was from my mom and it marked an enormous accomplishment and the end of a difficult season. I wore it everyday. I wore it to bed. I loved seeing the physical reminder of my achievements.
The other day, the blue stone fell out of the middle of the necklace. I never saw where it fell. I only saw that it was missing. I looked everywhere, down the dish drain, under every couch cushion, under beds that I hadn't been near, in the cracks in woven rugs. . . I couldn't find it. I was sad. The necklace was still pretty without the stone, but it wasn't the same. I took it back to the store hoping they could help. The needed more information which would take me time to get so I returned home with the broken necklace.
The next day, while discussing the necklace with my mom and stretching my sore legs on the floor, my eyes fell on a small blue stone in the middle of the rug. I found it!
Fortunately, I wasn't able to return it. Fortunately, I hadn't vacuumed. Fortunately, my legs hurt so badly I had to stretch then to relieve the pain.
Or. . .
God, my Heavenly Father, my Daddy who cares about every detail of my life made sure I would find it because he knows it's special and cares about me in a very special way.
I share this story because these kinds of little gifts happen to me all the time. Because they are common, these stories are what I remember when the journey is especially difficult. I remember if my Daddy cares about the little things in my life, he will surely take care of me during the difficult times as well.
Fourteen years ago, I was 9 months pregnant with my youngest daughter. For some reason I don't quite remember, we scheduled to be induced the day after her due date. I wasn't comfortable with the decision, but went along. I was induced with my first daughter and it was difficult. I was hoping she could come when she was ready rather than when we were ready.
The day came for my appointment. Something happened at the doctor's office and they weren't ready for me. They called to reschedule for 2 days later. I felt so much better, yet I didn't need to do anything. I simply trusted everything would work out.
On the day of our appointment I had gone into labor on my own. By the time we arrived at the hospital for my appointment my contractions were 5 minutes apart and I had no need to be induced. We also got to avoid the triage area and went straight to a room. It was an amazing delivery.
These stories are common in my life. I love looking for them. I love trusting they will come again and knowing I don't have to worry about any difficulties on my journey.
I wrote the following words 14 years ago after my appointment was rescheduled and I was thankful for trusting:
I love waiting on the Lord. I love the strength and comfort His Word gives. I love His will overriding mine. I love His great hand guiding my life and each direction I go.
Whether it's a difficult season, a scary appointment or a broken necklace I find that trusting and waiting and remembering that trusting always pays off is the best way.
During my early days of cancer I had to remind myself of my Daddy's faithfulness. I had no answers, but I knew He loved me and I could trust Him. During days of immense pain, I knew it wouldn't last forever and I knew that I could simply trust and know the end would be good for me one way or another.
The other day, the blue stone fell out of the middle of the necklace. I never saw where it fell. I only saw that it was missing. I looked everywhere, down the dish drain, under every couch cushion, under beds that I hadn't been near, in the cracks in woven rugs. . . I couldn't find it. I was sad. The necklace was still pretty without the stone, but it wasn't the same. I took it back to the store hoping they could help. The needed more information which would take me time to get so I returned home with the broken necklace.
The next day, while discussing the necklace with my mom and stretching my sore legs on the floor, my eyes fell on a small blue stone in the middle of the rug. I found it!
Fortunately, I wasn't able to return it. Fortunately, I hadn't vacuumed. Fortunately, my legs hurt so badly I had to stretch then to relieve the pain.
Or. . .
God, my Heavenly Father, my Daddy who cares about every detail of my life made sure I would find it because he knows it's special and cares about me in a very special way.
I share this story because these kinds of little gifts happen to me all the time. Because they are common, these stories are what I remember when the journey is especially difficult. I remember if my Daddy cares about the little things in my life, he will surely take care of me during the difficult times as well.
Fourteen years ago, I was 9 months pregnant with my youngest daughter. For some reason I don't quite remember, we scheduled to be induced the day after her due date. I wasn't comfortable with the decision, but went along. I was induced with my first daughter and it was difficult. I was hoping she could come when she was ready rather than when we were ready.
The day came for my appointment. Something happened at the doctor's office and they weren't ready for me. They called to reschedule for 2 days later. I felt so much better, yet I didn't need to do anything. I simply trusted everything would work out.
On the day of our appointment I had gone into labor on my own. By the time we arrived at the hospital for my appointment my contractions were 5 minutes apart and I had no need to be induced. We also got to avoid the triage area and went straight to a room. It was an amazing delivery.
These stories are common in my life. I love looking for them. I love trusting they will come again and knowing I don't have to worry about any difficulties on my journey.
I wrote the following words 14 years ago after my appointment was rescheduled and I was thankful for trusting:
I love waiting on the Lord. I love the strength and comfort His Word gives. I love His will overriding mine. I love His great hand guiding my life and each direction I go.
Whether it's a difficult season, a scary appointment or a broken necklace I find that trusting and waiting and remembering that trusting always pays off is the best way.
During my early days of cancer I had to remind myself of my Daddy's faithfulness. I had no answers, but I knew He loved me and I could trust Him. During days of immense pain, I knew it wouldn't last forever and I knew that I could simply trust and know the end would be good for me one way or another.
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