Cans and Can'ts

Yesterday was the first day in a long time I was able to sleep in a little bit.
I drank my coffee outside in the cool morning then began my morning exercise.  I do CrossFit.  If you don't know anything about it, it is functional fitness.  I exercise in a way that makes living life easier.  I'm not trying to simply strengthen one muscle at a time, I'm trying to make moving easier and more efficient and in the meantime I get stronger and leaner.

But that is not what this post is about.

When I finished my workout, which consisted of hang power cleans with a barbell, push ups and air squats, I felt amazing.

I didn't feel amazing because the workout was easy, in fact, I was lying on the ground trying to slow my breathing when I finished.

It was amazing because I did it.

I moved a barbell from my hips to my shoulders efficiently, with strength and amazing form.  I did my push-ups quickly and didn't have to take breaks whenever my arms refused to move because my arms kept moving.  I squatted with near-perfect form and sped through them. 

It felt amazing because I could move.
It felt amazing because I could push myself to be better.
It felt amazing because I could breath.
It felt amazing because I could.

Over the past 10 months, I have graduated from lying in a recliner feeling pain with every movement to walking slowly to adding a few new movements, but doing them slowly, to beginning to pick up light weights to moving faster to the amazing workout I finished yesterday. 

Each and every step was a small victory.  When I could walk pain free I was thrilled.  When I was allowed to do my first squat I was ecstatic.  When I got to pick up my first barbell, I celebrated.  Everything I am capable of doing is a celebration.  Every strength I have is a gift.  Every weakness I have is simply something waiting to be a strength.

I tell you this story to encourage you to celebrate all you CAN do. 
I don't know what your can'ts are, but I know they can threaten to pull you down.  They can threaten to make you feel "less than" or weak.  They can send you into dark places.

Today celebrate all you can do.  If you are reading this I know you can breath and read.  Find every little ability and celebrate. 

Today my cans outweigh my can'ts.  I still feel my weaknesses, but all I want to focus on are my strengths.  When I focus on my strengths I feel stronger.  I don't see my weakness like blinding neon signs and I am excited to keep moving and potentially overcome any and all obstacles threatening to stop me.

I know you wish you had nothing you had to say you can't do, but don't forget all you can do. I know you have medical struggles or family struggles or work struggles.  I also know you are victorious over so many other things.  Live in the victories and they will soon increase.

Another Step

I don't have anything to say I haven't already said.

I know life is difficult.  I know you can do more than survive the difficulties.  I know you feel worn out and tired and overwhelmed, but there will be a day when you feel victorious.

I know sometimes you wish the path you are forced to walk wasn't yours.  Sometimes you wish you could sprint through it just to get it over with, but it is too steep, too rocky, too windy.  You find yourselves crawling and are tempted to lay down.

Some of you have passed through a difficult section of your path and are enjoying a peaceful stroll for a time.  You are stronger and have a moment to refresh before the next difficult bend tries to break you.

Wherever you are, please keep moving. 
Keep hoping. 
Keep dreaming. 
Keep believing that the difficult part of your journey will not last forever. 
It will end. 
You will find your strength. 
You will find your breathe. 
You will look back at the most difficult part of your path and you will finally see how strong and amazing you are. 
You will know that nothing will take you down. 
Nothing will be too big for you.

Dig in, find your strength.  Lean on those who love you . . . and take another step.

New Crayons

One of my favorite things about teaching is the constant opportunity for new beginnings.

A new school year is about to begin and with it a new beginning.  Students are getting new clothes, new pencils, folders and notebooks.  They are excited to meet new teachers and attend new classes.  Even if it felt like last year belonged in the dumpster in Antarctica, students know they have a chance to start over.  Some students are beginning Kindergarten, stepping into school for the first time.  Some are beginning college, entering into an entirely different chapter that will launch them into their future.

Teachers have learned from the previous year and have honed their skills over the summer break.  They are ready to begin their lessons with a new set of students.  They are excited to try to make less mistakes and to take care of themselves so they don't fizzle out in October.  They know they give their heart and soul to these students, but they have to keep a bit for themselves in order to remain standing through May. Some teachers are beginning new teaching assignments.  Some simply have new students.

I daily reflect on how my classroom operates and evaluate what is working and what isn't.  A new school year opens the barn door to more opportunities than can fit under a 20 foot Christmas tree.  I get to try new strategies.  I get to teach well prepared and practiced lessons.  I get to try to make everything amazing.  I get to begin again.

The beginning of the school year is a milestone beginning, but I can start fresh any time I want.

This summer I used all my energy to become the healthiest, well-rounded person I could become.  As this new beginning comes into view I find myself excited.  I am not dreading the long, tiring days.  I am excited to be the best teacher I have ever been and to enjoy each day I get to spend with my students.  No part of my job is easy, but so much of it is enjoyable when I remember I get to inspire young people to be their best.

You don't need a new school year to have a new beginning.  A new beginning can come after a long weekend, in a new morning or simply in a moment when you decide that you will choose differently.

A new beginning is simply a choice to take all your energy and put it into the present with a dump-truck full of hope for the future.  New beginnings mark an end to the past as it tries determining who you are.  The past is essential for teaching us, showing us wrong paths and sometimes right paths.  It is helpful to those who see it and understand, but not to those who continue to live in it.  A mistake is a mistake.  A difficult day is a difficult day.  These moments do not define us.  The choices we make today, the choices we make to move us forward are the most important and precious.

I get to begin a new school year with new smiling faces eager to discover what I have for them this year.  You may not have the same opportunity as I do, but you have this moment.  You have tomorrow morning, you have next week, you have next year.  You have every second of every day.  You may snatch any second that is about to pass you by and make it your new beginning. 

Celebrate what you can do.  Celebrate what you have overcome.  It may still be difficult, you may not feel like a winner. You have already survived so much.  You have already overcome the list of setbacks life has tried to throw at you.  Look at how strong you are.  Look at what you can do.  Forget about what you can't.  Do what you are able over and over and soon, the list of things you can do will grow without you watching.

Judge and Jury

You shouldn't judge another person's journey.
You don't know what difficulties they've survived, what achievements they've celebrated, or what obstacles they've overcome.
You don't know the weaknesses they are aware of and are trying to turn to strengths.
You don't know the mistakes they wish they hadn't made; mistakes they may still be paying for.
You don't know the strength it takes for them to take each step through their day.

I'm tired of judgement. 
I'm tired of feeling like someone is judging me.  I've caught myself looking someone up and down before or staring at them.  Usually, I think they look amazing and wish I could imitate their look.  I've learned to tell them what I was thinking, otherwise they might think my thoughts were negative about them.
I'm tired of feeling like people will look down on my success.  When I succeed they will think it was easy for me.  They will not celebrate my success because they will only think of their failure. 
I'm tired of people having expectations of how my life should look.

Everyone is different and unique.
Everyone has immensely different strengths and weaknesses.
Everyone has different goals, different desires.
We cannot know another person's journey.
We cannot fully understand their day.

However,

We can have compassion.
We can celebrate our neighbors' achievements with genuineness.
We can be sad with them as they go through trials.
We can stand behind them and support them when their path is at its most difficult.
We can start talking and listening and stop judging.

I've been judged off and on all my life. 
When I had cancer, some people wondered why I looked so good.
When I had back surgery, some people thought I wasn't tough enough.
When I shared how I felt, some people pushed me out of their lives.

I know who I am. 
I know I make mistakes.
I know I am not perfect.
I know I am always growing and changing.

Before judging that next person and putting them into the box you have formed, talk for a minute, listen for an hour then know them and know they are an ever-changing person just like you.  Know they are trying to live successfully just like you.

I know some of you are sick.  Some of you are going through a very difficult time.  Some of you are tired of fighting a battle with an end farther away than you would like.  Take courage.  You will survive.  Take one step at a time.  Seek out those who care for you.  Know that you are strong and amazing. 

If we ever meet, I will see how beautiful you are and never judge you.  I know your journey is difficult sometimes and beautiful and easy sometimes.  I know you are strong, but you feel weak.  I know you are unique and special.  Even if some of our story is similar, I know it is still different and I would love to hear your story,  celebrate your successes, and struggle with your struggles while sitting by your side.

Find Treasures

Fear seems to have become a theme for me in the past month.  It wasn't intended, it's simply what keeps flashing through my ever-thinking brain.  I was filling up my water bottle the other day at our slow flowing refrigerator spigot.  I tend to think and reflect as I stand waiting for the water to slowly fill.  I realized I am not afraid of my health right now.

I am not afraid of breaking every time I move.  I am not thinking about former surgeries for cancer or anything else.  Other than my bi-daily reminder to take my MS pill, I have thought little of that either. 

I'm blessed.  I am the healthiest I've been in a long time, but it hasn't come without a price.  I work hard every day.  I have been fighting to regain my strength and energy since my back surgery for  8 months. 

I know that many if not most of you are going through difficult parts of your journey.  Health issues rise up everywhere.  Relationships can take us on emotional roller coasters.  We can easily become overwhelmed by the daily rituals and expectations.  In the moments when we feel like we are in the path of racing tornado it is time to stop and decide what is most important.  What is worth our time and energy?  What part of our lives do we want to ensure makes it through to the other side of the rocky part of our path?

It comes down to choices. 

If health is important than your choices each day should reflect health.  You will make wise decisions about food.  You will take time to move to provide an opportunity for your body to get stronger.  You may sacrifice a little television time or free time to make these choices happen, but you won't sacrifice your health. It is important to you to have energy to enjoy and do whatever comes along your path.  This summer I've swam, paddle-boarded, ridden a bike, bowled, and done a number of other activities.  It is important to me to be able to do any activity when the opportunity arises.  I don't want to sit out and watch while everyone else has fun.

If relationships are the most important you will choose those people and choose time with them.  You will put aside the tasks that keep you busy and distracted and understand those tasks will always be there.  The people may not.  My girls are growing and making plans for their futures.  I know they will leave one day.  I've had friends move away.  Family members get older and die.  It took me a long time to learn that sometimes I need to put away the vacuum and spend time with people.  Sometimes it doesn't matter what my house look like, but it does matter that I visit with my friend.

I pray you find peace.  I pray you find the treasures in your life you want to protect and invest your time and energy into.  I pray you find the day when you are not afraid of tomorrow.

Cowboy Boots

When my youngest daughter was very little I marveled at her confidence and ability to walk her own path.  Not only did she not care if those around her approved or not, she seemed to not notice.  She wore clothes she loved and the fact they didn't match was never taken into consideration.  She presented one of my favorite outfits one afternoon at the bottom of the stairs.   She wore her orange and blue swimsuit, her brown cowboy boots and her cowboy hat.  Her skinny legs jumped with excitement as she held a large blue inner tube and shouted she was ready for the pool.  No one told her people don't wear cowboy boots with swimsuits and if they had she still would have worn the outfit.  We were going swimming and the only shoes she ever wanted to wear were her boots. She wore them to bed when they were new.  She never wore the clothes someone else suggested.  She never copied someone else's wishes or dreams or plans.  She had her own dreams and confidently sprinted  toward them.  I watched her in awe.  I loved how she didn't care what anyone else thought.  She would only be true to herself and no other opinion ever moved her off her path.

I'm 41 now and am beginning to consistently walk in the shoes I love instead of the shoes I think I should wear or the shoes I think others will approve of.  It has been a process for me.  Part of that process began with deciding who I was.  I had to decide which shoes were my favorite.  What outfit makes me happy and content and screams out my personality?  Then I had to decide I didn't care if I looked different than those around me.  I see a friend and I see how beautiful they are.  My mind immediately compares myself to them.  I have to train my mind to see they are beautiful in their shoes and I might be beautiful in mine.  It is okay if we wear different shoes, we can both be beautiful.

Confidently walk in your own shoes.  Confidently wear the clothes that make you feel great.  Confidently walk your own path.  As you see those around you in their favorite shoes walking their unique path, admire them, encourage them and remember you are a different person and it is okay if your journey and your wardrobe looks different.

I am in a particular stage in my life right now which may be different from most of those around me.  My path will continue to look different.   My young teenage daughters are growing fast and I am aware in a few short heartbeats I won't see them as often as I do now.  I want to treasure my moments with them.  I want to train them to be responsible and compassionate young women.  I don't want to waste time or energy on anything that can be thrown away.  I want to invest in my family and the precious relationships I have with people close to me.  I want to walk my path confidently while those around walk their path.

Life isn't predictable.  Life is rarely simple.  I don't want to make it more complicated by worrying about my shoes.

Are You Afraid?

I was reading Everybody Always  by Bob Goff today.  The second chapter deals with fear.  I had to think about what role fear plays in my life.

Bob reminded me the Bible says, "Do not be afraid," multiple times.  We aren't supposed to live in fear, but living in fear came be easy.

When a person has cancer, they live daily with the thought that it can return.  I knew this was true for me and recently discovered it is true for most cancer survivors.  Your invincibility has been taken.  If it can happen once, it can happen again. 

Last month after my yearly mammogram I received the dreaded call to return for an ultrasound.  They saw something and they need to have a different look.  I've never had a breast ultrasound before.  It was easy.  I was able to see the screen.  However, the entire time I was scared.  I saw a large black mass on the screen.  What were they seeing?  Was it malignant or benign?  The radiologist didn't speak so all I could do was lay on the bed in silence, counting the wallpaper squares on the wall.  Finally, the doctor came in to tell me they didn't know exactly what they were seeing on the screen so I would need a follow-up biopsy.  I wasn't surprised.  I wasn't really scared either.  I'd done this before.

I knew that if this mass turned out to be cancer, I knew exactly what to do.  I knew surgery would be next then some form of treatment would follow.  I knew I could deal with it because I had dealt with it before.  I was scared the first time this happened because every day was going to be filled with unknown, this time was different.   I didn't walk in fear.  In fact, I made it clear to those around me that at this moment there was nothing to fear.  I didn't want to get upset about an outcome we didn't know yet.

Even though I knew I could handle traveling this path again, my problem was... I didn't want to. 

I have spent the past few months focusing on getting strength back after back surgery.  I was ready to enjoy every aspect of my summer and take no moment for granted.  This new development was threatening to change my plans.

I waited almost a week for the biopsy.  I poured myself into my days and made choices I wanted to make.  I enjoyed the sun, I exercised.  I did everything this upcoming biopsy was threatening to take away.  I wasn't afraid.  I was ready.

I know I was afraid last time.  I know I sat in trepidation daily and daily I had to tell God I trusted Him and I would continue walking when I din't want to even crawl.  What was the difference?  The difference was the unknown.  Last time I didn't know what surgery would feel like or how it would change me.  Last time I didn't know how radiation would zap every ounce of energy from me.  Last time I didn't know what it looked like to have my Daddy (God) hold my hand, give me strength and walk me through every painful and difficult step. 

This time, as I stood at the crossroads: a familiar journey down the path of cancer on one side and a  cancer free, full of health and growth journey on the other side, I knew my Daddy would be with me on either path.  I knew I would ultimately be "okay" whichever path I walked down.  I resigned myself to choose to live fully each day no matter which path I would soon walk.

The day of my biopsy came.  I did yoga, exercised and spent time at the pool.  I ate well then drove to town.  This biopsy was a much better experience than the last one.  I was able to lie on my back.  They used an ultrasound to guide the needle biopsy.  I was able to watch on the screen while the nurse asked me questions to distract me. 

"We'll let you know in 3-4 days."  I wasn't allowed to exercise or play in the water so I took a day to rest and spent the next day packing for vacation.  I kept moving and trusting and knowing that it would soon be decided which path I would take.

Friday morning I got a call from the doctor.  "The results are in.  Your biopsy came back okay."  It wasn't cancer!

I had to deal with myself after this.  There is no reason for me to fear the return of cancer.  I've survived once, I'll survive again.  I have no reason to fear where my health might take me.  I am not alone on my journey and have no reason to be afraid.  I must walk and trust.