Judgement

I'm scared of judgement.  I'm not scared of lawful judgement.  I'm scared of individual's judgement about me.  I'm scared of the judgements they think and never share with me.  I'm scared of how they question my actions without saying a word to me.

I'm happy to talk to you about what I'm doing.  I'm happy to explain why I leave work as soon as I'm able.  I happy to explain why I only check work email at work.  I'm happy to explain why my new church is a CrossFit gym.  I'd love to tell you why my new home is more than a new house and why it was necessary for our family to move into it.  I'll eagerly explain why I'm tired in the summers.  I can tell all about why I eat the way I do.  I can give you an explanation about why I write.  I would love to tell you some of the reasons why my daughters are amazing.

Please don't judge my actions based on what you see.  Please don't assume my actions have a reason I didn't give them.  Ask me, I'll tell you all about it.  The judging look that just passed through your eyes is painful.  I know you are thinking and putting things together, but you won't say anything to me. Later, I will hear that you were talking about me with someone else.  I have no way to defend or explain myself when you talk about me with others.  Please talk to me and I will let you know anything you want.  I will warn you, when the judgement look passes through your eyes, I will probably stop sharing so much because whatever I say will not bring clarity, but more judgement.

I suppose I should remember that people will be judged with the same measure that they judge.  It doesn't make the pain go away.  I'm doing the best I can and I'm doing what I know and believe is best for me.