Weary

During my cancer battle I often had weeks where I didn't get a lot of sleep.  Even if I did get sleep, my body would still feel tired.  Tired for me meant that I might fall asleep while driving in the middle of the day.  I had moments where finding the words to say wouldn't come because of how weary I was.

During my radiation treatment when I fought falling asleep in the car or went to bed at 6:30 in the evening, someone asked how I was doing.  I answered that I was tired.  I said it with deep meaning (in my mind).  They shut me down by saying they were tired too. They said everyone was tired.  I realized I needed a new word. My tired today is not the same word I used before cancer or MS.

Today's tired is deep in my bones, yes, my bones are tired.  My eyes are weary from forcing themselves open all day.  If I relax, I will sleep.  I pull and push myself around all day so that by the end of the day I have worn every part of myself out.

I'm not sure today's tired compares with "having a baby" tired or "running after toddlers" tired.  I think most of that was physical.  Today's tired is mind, body, spirit tired.  I definitely need a new word.  I can't say exhausted, that has been over used. There is run-down, worn-out, weary. . . that's a good one. I could start telling people I'm weary.  I doubt they'd say they were weary too.  Weary could mean physical or emotional.  Weary does sound like I might collapse as if on a long journey.  I'll try it. . . or I'll lie and say I'm fine.

I'm thankful God came for the weary.