Lies

This has been a rough week.  In my mind back surgery meant that it would be easy for me to post daily blogs because of all the time I would have lying around recovering.  In turns out when you don't feel well you don't want to do anything but wait for the icky-ness to go away.  That means even your favorite tasks get put aside.

I knew that back surgery would mean a long recovery time.  I knew that I would have to modify my movements for awhile.  I am eternally grateful that I am no longer in excruciating pain, but I was surprised by the events of this week.

I didn't want to tell you about them.

I didn't want to tell you about how I felt sick during my birthday.  I had horrible stomach pains, and tried hard to put on a smile for those around me.

I didn't want to tell you how I couldn't sleep at all or that when I did, I woke every 4 hours or 2 hours or 1 hour.

I didn't want to tell you about discontinuing my pain medication and feeling some very uncomfortable effects.

I didn't want to tell you how I just wanted to lie down and wait until it was all gone, but I couldn't because I have to be gentle with my back and I have to lie down a certain way or sit a certain way so I don't cause complications with the surgery they already did.

I didn't want to tell you how I didn't want to eat anything due to my stomach pain including coffee and chocolate, which I can usually have at any time or any day.

I didn't want to tell you this because I want you to know that the surgery went fine, I'm healing, and I didn't want you to become worried about me, sorry for me, or think that things are too difficult.

Well, the surgery did go fine.  I'm recovering.  But I also had a tough week overcoming stomach pains and feeling icky.

I know that in a month or two I will look back and be amazed or proud or something when I remember what I went through.  But I'm in the middle of it now.  Right now I don't feel like being amazed by my strength or hopeful that it won't last forever.  Right now, I simply want it to go away.  Haven't I had pain for long enough? I ask the room.  Can't I just recover from surgery?  Do I really have to have a week of activity stopping stomach pains to go with it?

I do.   I can handle it.  I will handle it.  I will smile and lie to you when you ask and tell you I am doing fine.  I am recovering.  I won't tell you the whole truth, I will lie to you.

I'm sorry I do that.  It is what I have always done.  If I tell you everything, I might start to think about it too much.  If I say it out loud, I might forget to keep my eyes on what I can control.  If I voice the real truth, I might sound like I'm complaining and you won't want to talk to me anymore.

So here I am, telling you the truth.  I don't want to.  I would rather lie.  I would rather hide it from you so you don't treat me differently or look at me with sad eyes, but because I know that these things are sometimes your truth also, I want you to be free to be honest and not lie to me when I ask how you are doing.

It's okay if things aren't going well, I know that isn't your fault.  One day they will be.  One moment they will be.  I know you're trying to be strong.  If you tell me the truth, I can encourage you and love on you.  I can remember you and pray for you.

I'm sorry I lie.  I will try to do better.  Thank you for doing better too.