Balance

Today I realized that I actively strive to have balance in my life.  When I say balance, I don't mean everything is equal, I mean that I have peace.

We are preparing to move.  I could easily spend all day packing.  I am still finishing up my final project for my master's degree.  I could work on it all day.  Even if I spent a day on each of these things, I still wouldn't have them finished.  I could rush. I could stress.  None of that will do me any good.

Instead, I spent a few hours on my paper today.  I spent some time packing.  I spent some time with my family and I enjoyed time with friends.  I went to bed at a reasonable time.  I know that no amount of fretting or work will accomplish what needs to be done so instead, I keep away the stress by balancing all those tasks with moments that bring me peace.

Many years ago, my husband was a pastor.  He shared a message titled "Work to Rest."  Essentially he pointed out that the only thing that we are told to work for in the Bible is rest.  We need to protect ourselves from stress and anxiety.

I felt my heart racing today.  There were a number of different things causing it to race.  Most of which were me wondering or worrying about the next thing.   I was aware of each heartbeat.  I consciously calmed my breathing and took control of my thoughts.  I reminded myself that I am not ultimately in control and I can only take one step at a time.  I found a way to calm my heart and remembered how essential balance is.  I must be at peace.  I physically feel unsettled when there isn't peace.  Since I can't guarantee peace all the time, I choose balance between work and play so that I can remain at peace amidst the chaos and requirements of life.

Balance does not mean I give equal time to each item demanding my attention.  It means I work to maintain peace in my soul no matter what tries to steal it away.

Pink Story: Sad News

This event happened on November 23, 2012.

I am daily trying to do more.  I went Christmas shopping and made it until the fourth hour before I started getting really tired.  In the midst of my healing I received sad news.  My uncle died.  It was a complete surprise.  My Grandma should not be burying a son.  He was such a rock that everyone leaned on.  He was glue.  He struggled with plenty, but never let any of it show.  He was a big teddy bear.  When I was little I was afraid of him, he often had a big beard and he had a big voice. I could count on him to be the same all the time.  I could count on him to always be there.

I am thankful I spoke with him 2 days ago.  I happened to call my mom while he was in the room. I’m thankful we went up to visit everyone in June.  I’m thankful my girls knew him.  I still can’t believe he’s gone.  He is leaving behind a very large hole in this family.  I don’t know if it will be repaired.

I know my uncle is doing well.  He’s hanging out with his dad now and all the cousins’ babies that didn’t get to be born.  I know he’s good.  We are sad for the now missing place he had previously filled in our lives.  We are sad for a future without him.

I live about 400 miles away from the family.  I want to go up there for the funeral, but I’m not quite strong enough for the trip and I’ve already missed too many days of work.  It’s odd not being able to go to the funeral, but I know that is not where he is.  I can say goodbye in my own way and in my own place.  I have to make sure that I am healthy first.  Yet another moment when I put my health ahead of what some think I “should” do.

Content

You don't have to give into whatever society is doing or trying to get you to do.

I've been shopping with my girls a couple of times in the past weeks. Both times I had to work very hard to not get pulled in by the fads and styles that are "in" now.  Simply because a style is popular doesn't mean it is right for me.  I see people everywhere wearing the current styles, no one is considering whether or not the style fits them, they buy it because it is for sale and everyone else is buying it.

It works the same with all the colorful household decorations they display in the stores.  As I walk through the aisles of stores, I am attracted to the pretty colors and shiny surfaces, but I don't see any need for them.  Once I have a set of dishes, why would I need to buy another.  They make plastic dishes and containers and bowls and display different colors every season so that people want what is newer and better.

It takes a bit of work to remind myself that these things are not necessary, that my money is better spent on time with my family than on things that will ultimately collect dust and won't add value to my life.

It is sad that our society feels they must try to persuade us to buy each and every little thing.  Creating quality items is not as important to the manufacturers as creating items that can be used and thrown away so that more can be bought.  It's okay to desire and have these things, but I think our society wants us to want more and more and these things aren't created to help us be content.

We have to work to be content on our own.  We have to remind ourselves of our blessings and remind ourselves that we have everything we need in the friendship of our friends and the love of our family. The people around me give my life its greatest value.  They make each day meaningful.  Time spent with my loved ones will not be better because I have new dishes.

Pink Story: Time

Why does the passing of time seem to change?  The month of October filled with its questions and unknowns inched by so slowly I felt every second of it.  The month of November has gone so fast, with doctor’s appointments and days of rest, I’m afraid if I blink I will miss an entire day.  

Why does that happen?  Why does time feel like it changes speed like a drunk driver on a windy highway? I haven’t done anything differently.  I’m not counting the days to some future event, I’m not wishing away the seconds, I’m not even busy.  Why is it passing me by like a shooting star?  It is fleeting.  It is like time is playing a game with me.  

At times it feels tangible.  I can get a handle on it, I can feel each moment.  At other times, it hides, bolts or pretends to last longer than should be possible.  I can’t find more time.  I can’t save time.  I have no control over time and its speed. My only choice is to enjoy the time I have and make wise choices with every moment.  Time won’t win this game if I simply sit back and enjoy. Time won’t trick me if I own my moments and choose to spend them in a way that makes me better and stronger in myself and in my relationships.

Roots

Many years ago I read a something about a man who had a different way of taking care of his trees. After he planted a tree he wouldn't spend a lot of time taking care of it.  He wouldn't give it a lot of water.  He would even beat it up a little.  He explained that he was helping the tree to grow deep roots.

I don't remember the details of the story, I remember the point was that you don't baby the tree.  You let it search for water, you let it work to get it's nutrients.  You let it grow.  When you are constantly pouring water at the surface of the soil, the tree can easily lap it up.  The roots can extend far and wide like a stretched out man on the couch.  The problem arises when the winds blow.  Those roots will quickly pop out of the soil with the slightest wind.  The tree will fall.  However, when the roots had to search deep into the soil for water, the wind won't be able to knock the tree down.  The roots will hold it in place and no amount of wind will take it out.

Today, my youngest daughter turned 13.  As I look at her, I see someone with deep roots.  I see someone capable of standing firm in what is right and not being blown down by every little idea.  I see someone who is strong in her own character and isn't easily changed or moved by others trying to make her different or make her more like them.

I am thankful for her deep roots.  Plenty of wind storms have tried to take her out and even though she is a little beat up sometimes, she is stronger for it.  She is my strong, beautiful tree that continues to grow and thrive whether the sun is shining or the storms are brewing.

Pink Story: Surgeon Shares

This part of the Pink Story occurred on November 20, 2012.

My radiologist also told me that my surgeon will probably be presenting my case to the tumor board.  I never thought about how doctors might get together and discuss their cases.  It makes sense.  They probably share cases in which they want to hear other doctors’ professional opinions on.  As teachers, we do this.  We discuss students that we may need help reaching and seek how others have dealt with the same situation or what professional advice they may have.  It helps to gather advice from others with experience.

It’s pretty amazing that my case will be discussed among the surgeons.  I felt kind of special, special in a weird way.  If I have to have an illness, it may as well be a unique situation.  I’d like to know the recommendations of the other doctors for my treatment.  How many cases like mine do they see?

There is so much going on.  There is still so much I have to do before this is over.  I’m going to be ok.  I’m going to get through this amazingly.  A year from now it will just be a memory.

Expectations

One of the worst things I think a person can have is expectations.  Expectations are different than hopes. We can hope forever.  We can hope for ourselves and we can hope for others.  But expectations will bring you pain.  

Think of expectations as your plan for the outcome of a situation.  You have something to say and you "expect" the other person will respond a certain way.  You may even mold your words based on your expectation.  The first problem with this is the person may say something different than your expectations and you will either be disappointed or confused.  Instead, speak and listen then speak in response to what you heard not what you expected to hear.

I've talked with people that have been repeatedly hurt by others.  They want the relationship to be renewed, but they always hear the same things even when the person says something different. The second problem with expectations is that we often hear in light of them.  We expect someone to say something because they often say the same thing or respond the same way.  We expect it will happen again.  However, when they respond differently than our expectations we don't hear it.  We don't see it. We react to our expectations rather than the reality.

I haven't figured out how to control my expectations and I can see them in others long before I see them in myself. I would like to give people the clean slate they deserve.  If they've wronged me in the morning, I want to be open and willing to see them clearly in the afternoon, holding no expectations over them of their behavior.  

Perhaps we need to have shorter memories.  Perhaps we should apply the saying "forgive and forget" a bit more liberally.  As I think about this, it seems the simplest way to solve this problem is to remember how we want to be treated.  I want to be forgiven if I have a bad moment or say something stupid.  

I don't want anyone expecting me to act a certain way.  I want them to simply see me.  In order to be seen we should probably start seeing.