Pink Story: Radiation Day

The day arrived.  December 11th brought my first day of radiation treatment.  The plan was that I would leave school about 30 minutes early each day so I could get to treatment on time.  I already had an aide in my room during that time.  She would simply finish the day with them and send them home as I rushed out the door.  

Unfortunately, on this particular day I felt tired and was feeling a little sick.  I had to ignore my feelings because I had work to do.  I had my radiation treatment to begin.  I found it interesting that I called it “my” radiation treatment as if I wanted to claim it, make sure no one else claimed it.  I suppose it was true, it didn’t belong to anyone else.  

One of the tough things about beginning radiation treatment was that once I began I couldn’t stop.  It was a 6 ½ week process with no break.  I went to treatment 5 days a week.  It was a 35 minute drive each way.  I didn’t get to take a day off or travel or simply call in sick.  I hated that I was afraid of the side effects: skin irritation, hair loss, tiredness. . .  I wished I could believe I wouldn’t feel any of those.  I wished I didn’t have to worry about what soap I would use for the next 6 weeks or which bra I would wear or that I had to stop shaving my armpits.  

They told me my skin would be irritated so I needed to use a mild soap and stop shaving.  I would have to wear a sports bra because a regular one would hurt. I was devastated.  Thankfully it was winter and no one would see my hairy armpit, but the bra thing was more difficult.  I am what most would call blessed in the chest department (I don’t always feel that way), going without a supportive bra while still working was unbearable to think about.  I kept wishing everything could be “normal.”  I wished I could have a day where I didn’t think about cancer.  I wished my life didn’t have to be turned upside down for 6 ½ weeks.

None of these wishes were going to come true for a few months.  Yet, I knew I would be okay.  I just didn’t know how hard I wanted to work at all of this.  I had 2 days of feeling strong and normal the week before.  I would have a new definition of strength after this was over.  I would be okay only because I never had to do any of this alone.  

Finish the Race

"Finish the race."

I've heard this phrase from a variety of places.  What does it mean?  After completing a long, difficult 3 year journey, I think I can answer that question.

Today I am finishing, what some might call, the race.  However, I think there is a problem with the use of the word, race.  It implies rushing or moving quickly and it implies that there is some form of competition.  There were neither of those things in this journey I just completed.

I took one step at a time rather than trying to race ahead.  I watched where I was going carefully rather than trying to hurry to the end.  I even took in the view.  I didn't compare my journey to others, I focused only on my own steps and my own path.  I strode across the finish line with confidence and peace not with my head held down in exhaustion.

I began working on my master's degree in September 2014.  I was ready.  I was excited.  The first class I took was amazing.  I loved learning about new science standards and new ways of teaching.  I told everyone how amazing this program was and I was going to do great.

In January 2015, I lost the use of my left arm for about a month because I had my first MS episode.  I had a difficult time typing papers for my class.  Teaching became a bit of a challenge, but I kept moving.  I kept taking steps down my path.  That summer, I took another class, but I didn't take too many.  I still didn't know what the MS might do to me.  I changed jobs the following September.  That meant that I would be continuing taking classes, working in a new school and teaching a new grade.  It was a lot, but I kept moving.  I kept the next summer easy again.

In the fall of 2016, I was entering my final year of working on my master's degree.  I was entering my second year at this new school and in this new grade; however, my teaching partner had left and I was going to be mentoring the next 6th grade teacher.  Because I kept my first two summers light, I was going to have to take a lot more classes while still teaching.  In 6 months time, from the end of January to the beginning of July, I took 15 credits.  In the previous 2 years, I took a maximum of 6 credits in that same amount of time.  Because of the earlier difficulties and my slow summers, I had to take on a large chunk if I wanted to finish when I had originally planned.

I took one step at a time.  Sometimes, I did one class at a time.  I slept when I was tired.  I ate when I was hungry.  I rested my brain when I had a moment and I kept moving.  Each day I got closer to the finish line.  Each day that I wanted to quit, I reminded myself how far I had come and I simply kept moving.  There was no way that I was going to give up my progress by quitting or letting up at the end.

Finish the race.  Keep moving.  Look at what you have already accomplished and know that you can walk across the finish line with your head held high.  Everyone will cheer you on and celebrate your completion.  It doesn't matter what everyone else does.  It doesn't matter how fast you finish, just keep moving and finish.

Pink Story: Radiation is Scheduled

I got the call on December 6th.  A lady from the Mountain States Tumor Institute, a place that is lovingly called MSTI (misty) called to let me know that my radiation will begin on Thursday, December 11th.  My cancer surgery was scheduled for my grandma’s birthday and my first day or radiation happened on my husband’s birthday.

I was not mentally ready for radiation treatment.  I didn’t know what it was going to do to me and I was very scared.  In my head, I was sure I could handle it fine because I handled everything else fine, but I was still terrified.   Perhaps I was scared of the unknown.  Perhaps I was not giving it to my Daddy (what I call God, because he loves me like a father and I need to remind myself of that) and the fact that I wasn’t letting go was causing me anxiety and fear.

At this point I was so tired, I felt I couldn’t remember anything.  I got overwhelmed easily.  I cried at the drop of a hat.  I knew I needed something from my Daddy, but I didn’t know what it was.  I couldn’t put into words my weaknesses and needs, I just knew they existed.  I felt like my teaching was lacking, my housework didn’t get done and I felt like I just barely made it through days without having any real accomplishments.  

People around me had their own stresses so I didn’t dare add mine to theirs.  I would simply continue to trust.  Then I read another insert from the Jesus Calling book: “Trust Me and don’t be afraid for I am your strength and song.”

It is tough when the mountain looms.  It is terrifying when you feel you are entering a cave without a light, but I have learned, and when I forget, am reminded that with a little faith and trust, I come out okay.  I simply have to keep moving.

Independence Day

This morning, I've been reflecting on the significance of our Independence Day in the United States. Most people celebrate our freedoms. I think the true celebration is our freedom to sacrifice.

As I transition through different moments in my life, I realize that it's my ability and freedom to choose to sacrifice for others that makes me free. All over the world people are forced to sacrifice. They are persuaded to give up their freedoms for their family, their religion or their country. I give up my freedoms everyday. I give up my choice to do whatever I want for peace in my family. I give up the desire to drive 100 miles per hour for the safety of others. Yes, I would love to drive that fast. I choose to give those things up. I choose to be kind. I choose love over my own freedom to do what I want.

Our service men and women choose to devote their lives to their country. Mothers and Fathers choose  to sacrifice a laundry list of things for their children.

It isn't freedom if someone makes you sacrifice something you love. It's freedom when you sacrifice because you love. I am thankful I have this freedom today.

Pink Story: CT scan

On my 36th birthday, I was scheduled to get the CT scan that would map out the area they need to radiate.  Reality began again.  I had a little time off of seeing doctors and thinking about cancer.  It came rushing back on this day.  It was easier when there were no appointments.  I could forget what was going on for short periods of time until something would hurt again.  I would enjoy those moments of forgetfulness.

For the CT scan, I had to lie on an uncomfortable, flat bed.  They lined up 3 lasers.  One of them hit my left side under my arm, the second hit my right side under my other arm and the third one hit in the middle of my sternum.  Once I was lined up and the lasers were in place, I got my first tattoo.  The lady gave it in the old fashioned way, a needle with ink on it.  I got 3 tattoos that resembled a pencil mark in the 3 places the lasers were lined up.  When I go to get radiation, they will use those marks to make sure I am in the same place each time.

I am very anxious about radiation.  What will it do to me?  How will it affect me at my job since I have to get radiation treatment every day?  What side effects will I get?  They said you feel like you have a sunburn and get tired.  Perhaps I won’t get all the side effects they told me about.  Perhaps this will be easy for me.

The unknown was upon me again.  The unknown is a very scary thing.  I need to remember to trust and surrender my worries.  No matter what happens, I need to remember I will be okay.

Focused

These past two weeks, I have been on a college campus, in a small, bare dorm room working on my final classes for my master's degree.  I am either sleeping, eating, going to class, taking a break or doing classwork.  I have had little time for anything else.  My family spent the same amount of time, moving everything we own out of one house and into another.

I know what they are doing and they know what I am doing, but we are not in each other's worlds right now.  They couldn't handle my schedule and I couldn't handle theirs.  We are focused on the task in front of us.  There is nothing wrong with either of our situations. It simply is.

We have those seasons in our lives that require most of our energy and attention.  We know the season won't last forever, but we also know that if it did, we wouldn't last that long.  We know we can maintain for the season and when the season changes we will be thankful that it changed and thankful that we made it.

One of those seasons I can think of is having small children.  When they are infants, it takes all of our energy and attention to care for them.  We feel like we have much less of ourselves.  Eventually, they start helping by feeding themselves and walking.  Before we know it they start helping us not just themselves.

Another season is education.  Finishing high school or finishing college can begin to take the last microbes of energy out of a person.  They have been working hard for so long and that last stretch seems like it may never end.

There are also seasons of pain and hardship.  When my husband and I were first married, we had very little money.  We were blessed each day with everything we needed, but sometimes it came at the last minute and we weren't sure how we would pay the power bill, but we did.  We knew things wouldn't be like that forever, but sometimes, in the midst of those tough days, we wanted to quit.  We wanted to charge it all and forget being responsible. But we didn't.  Sometimes you want to quit.

But you don't.

You don't quit because you know the season will end and a new one will come.  If you don't know that, I am telling you now.  This difficult season will end.  Dig deep, know you are not alone, don't give up the fight.  Maintain your character and your hope and your diligence in getting up and finishing the job set before you each day.  That difficult season will end.  You will breathe, you will get rest. You will see how much you've grown.  Another season will come and you won't be taken out by that one either because it will only be for a little while.  Stay focused on your task.  Stay focused on what is important.  You are strong and will only get stronger for making it through tough seasons in your life.

Pink Story: December

December 1st came, it is another one of my favorite days.  December brings my birthday, Christmas, a break from school and sometimes snow.  It is the best time to stay inside and play games or sit by the fire, all my favorite things.  

My mom told me about my Uncle George’s funeral.  There were over 450 people at his funeral, people he had impacted over his life.  It didn’t matter what he was going through in his own life, it never affected the kind of friend or person that he was.  It was such an amazing legacy to leave.

I watched the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Clarence, the angel, gives George a Bible.  Inside the Bible, he writes:

“Dear George,

No man is a failure who has friends.”

Let me always remember that it is the number of my friends and not the number of my things that makes me successful.