Trust the Process

This statement is one I have heard and said often, but I haven't put a lot of thought into what that looks like on a day to day basis.

Trusting the process means that I have chosen a path or process that has been proven to work.  I've chosen something that makes sense for me and my life.  I've chosen something that is a lifestyle and not a quick fix.

Once I've found the right process to add to my routines, I have to be faithful in continuing in that process.  Essentially, I have to keep moving.  I have to believe that what I am doing is valuable to my life even if I don't see the results that I would like to see right away.  Exercise is a perfect example of this.  I do CrossFit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough.  I am working hard enough?  Am I doing everything I can?  At these moments I remind myself that it is about showing up and participating to the best of my ability today.  It's not about the end goal even though I am interested in the next goal.  It's about today and being faithful today.

The final step in trusting the process comes when we recognize what our goals are.  If our goals are long term life changing goals then we simply keep moving and continue to be faithful with what is put in front of us.  If our goal is to achieve one accomplishment then we will do everything we can to achieve that one thing.

Even in my job as teacher, I have to trust in the tested and valuable things I teach.  When I am faithful and continue to do what I know is good and right, my students will learn and grow.  I may not see it tomorrow, but I will see it as I am faithful.

Trusting the process is a cliche way of saying show up, do what is in front of you to the best of your ability, and know that in the end you will be the best version of yourself you can be.  You can't compare yourself to anyone else, only to yourself and your own personal growth.

Pink Story: Unexpected Radiation Friends

I thought the roads would be really bad when I went into town for my radiation treatment so I gave myself an extra half hour.  I ended up arriving 30 minutes early.  In addition, they were 15 minutes late.  During that time I read a great article in a magazine and visited with 3 special people.  

Anita’s husband is scheduled to have his treatment right before mine.  We’ve been visiting for a few weeks now while she waits for him.  She is a nice lady.  They are a good couple. Jim’s prostate cancer came back, they are hoping they can get it with radiation and not to have to do additional treatments or surgery.

I met another lady who I haven’t seen before.  I don’t know her name.  She has 2 days left of radiation and has already finished 2 bouts of chemotherapy.  She just got out of a 12 day stay in the hospital for pneumonia.  She blessed me.  She was very positive and upbeat about everything.  She smiled a large, sparsely toothed smile.  Her bright, blue eyes lit up her pale face and she graciously reminded me to chill.  I may have been extra miserable last week because school started or because my body was adjusting or because my treatments were zapping me.  No matter what it was, I was gloomy and negative feeling.  This lady, who had been through much more than me reminded me to be thankful and hopeful and smile my way through it.  

The third person I visited with was a blond lady not much older than me.  She just had her CT scan and reflected the fear I had on my face when I first entered the building. I was hoping to get a chance to meet her again.  I want to encourage her and be a person she can talk to.  I’ve gone through this talking to God, which worked for me.  I didn’t feel comfortable meeting with a group of older women and talking about my situation and I would guess she wouldn’t either.  

I’m thankful for these people: a friend, an encourager and hopefully one I get to encourage.  

Bad Day

I am writing this, but I don't want to.

I realize that everyone has bad days.  Everyone has days where things don't go the way they want or they simply don't feel well.  I had a bad day recently and the last thing I wanted to do was write about it, but I will anyway.

Because I have MS, bad days come almost weekly.  A bad day usually comes because I used up more energy than I had.  It's no different than using more money than you have.  Once you're overdrawn, you have to wait until you acquire more income to pay the debt.  When I have overdrawn my energy account, I have to rest up until I have enough energy to start moving again.

Most of the time, I know I will have a bad day when I wake up. I don't feel like myself and I feel a bit foggy and slow. I'm able to take it easy, move slowly, rest and find more energy for the next day.  It get's very difficult when bad days start in the middle of the day while I'm already doing something. They sneak up on me when I'm interacting with people or working.  I can't stop to rest.  I can't sit down.  I can't take a break.  I have to keep moving.  The energy deficit gets larger during these times; it will take more than a day to recover.

I used to think that this would get easier, that I could manage my energy better so I would have fewer of these days.  I recently learned that all of this is typical with MS.  It is normal for most people so the chances that it will go away are very slim.

As a result, I will continue to do my best to use only the energy I have and not overdraw.  I will try to be wise with my resources, use my time efficiently and hope for fewer bad days.  Don't feel badly for me.  Don't feel sorry for me.  This is my reality.

I see people who spend excessive hours on their job or wear themselves out with duties.  I don't understand how they can push themselves so hard.  I forget that I once had that ability.  I don't have that ability now so I don't push myself.  I am forced to take care of myself.  I am forced to sleep a minimum of 7 hours a night.  I am forced to eat perfectly.  I have to exercise to keep myself as fit as I can. I am forced to use my time wisely.  All of these things are a good idea to maintain a healthy life.  It seems smarter to choose to do those things rather than wait to be forced to do it.

I get to make wise choices so I have energy and can be productive.  I think some people think I'm not working enough or doing enough.  They don't understand that I must make these choices for my health.

What would happen if we all made those choices?  Would we be happier?  Would we be healthier?

Pink Story: Effects of Radiation

When the media portrays a person with cancer, the always address their chemotherapy treatment.  I know that chemotherapy wreaks havoc on one’s body.  Because of this media attention, I thought radiation would be easy.  I figured I would sail through it with no problems.  I didn’t.  Radiation beat me up.  From the first day, I was tired, I hurt, I felt like a had an intense sunburn.  As the weeks went on, it got worse.  I was teaching 31 students everyday.  I was driving 30 minutes to and from radiation treatment at the end of my work day.  Some days, I was on the verge of falling asleep in the car.  I would eat dinner, go to bed and do everything again.  While there was only a few weeks left, the pain got so bad that it hurt when I moved.  My skin was turning to a pink, painful, leather. I was going to bed earlier and earlier.  I was losing patience with my students.   

I never imagined myself with failed health, especially at 36.  I read in Psalm 73:26, “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart.”  I knew that I would get better eventually.  At the time, I did not feel like myself.  I was tired all of the time.  I was in pain. I, who was normally very efficient, couldn’t do anything.  It hurt to clean out the dishwasher.  I was tired so tired, I would fall asleep while driving.  I considered taking a pillow to school and napping under my desk while students were at lunch.  I would rest and nap all weekend trying to store up rest like a chipmunk stores up nuts. I had minimal energy, what I did have I saved for school so my family got the leftovers.  All of this was unexpected and unwelcome outcomes of radiation treatment.

However, through all of this God remained my strength.  I got up in the morning because of Him.  I did what I could do because He gave me strength.  I had hope in 100% healing because I know he was healing me.  I rested and had peace in this season because He was with me.  I was not good at this, but He gave me grace to walk through it.  

Still Growing?

When children are little we expect that they will grow.  They will get taller, they will fit into larger sizes of clothing.  They will need bigger shoes on a regular basis.  They will need bigger beds, different car seats, and larger chairs at school.  We measure their growth at birth and continue to keep track of how tall they are each year.  Eventually they stop growing and we stop measuring.

We never put pressure on our children to grow faster or to make sure they reach a certain height.  We let them grow, are encouraged when they appear healthy, and enjoy celebrating the milestones along the way.

I like to measure my student growth the same way.  As long as they are gaining in knowledge, all is well.  I can't make them grow in their knowledge at the same rate as someone else or make them all have identical knowledge.  I can only measure them, encourage them and celebrate their milestones.

As adults, we usually stop growing physically, but we should still be growing in knowledge and understanding of ourselves and our world around us.  We can continue to seek out new information. We can continue to seek out ways to become the best version of ourselves.

Most of us are okay with all of us growing and learning and achieving new heights.  We often forget that we all grow at different rates.  We reach a new level and begin to get impatient with those around us that haven't come to the same understanding yet.  Rather than let them grow at their rate, we get impatient with them and try to force them to grow and be like us.

It's okay to grow, it's essential that we let others grow around us.  We will not all be at the same place at the same time, but as long as we are moving forward we are doing well and should celebrate each other's milestones.

My personal journey has taken me to many different areas in my intellectual growth.  I see things differently than most.  I feel things differently.  I don't expect everyone to see what I see.  I have to focus on where I am and let others be where they are.

Pink Story: Battle in the Brain

The most difficult part of having cancer is the battle that goes on in my brain.  I can cope with the daily schedule of going to treatment.  I can manage the pain, I can even figure out how to dress since I can't wear a bra.  It’s my mind.  It goes to places of despair or pity.  It doesn’t let me sleep.  When I wake up, the battle immediately begins again.  I can’t escape it.  I know, I give my thoughts to God.  I know, I focus on His truths and doing those things works.  What I’m saying is that I don’t get a break from the battle.  If I let down my guard for even a second my mind takes me to places I don’t want to go.  That’s why mornings are difficult.  I must begin the battle the second I wake up and sometimes the thought enemy gets a jab in as I’m becoming fully aware that a new day has come.

It’s a tiring battle.  It’s a continuous battle.  It’s one that people don’t know I'm having.  They can’t see my battle.  They only see my actions.  They cannot see the war going on in my head.  They can’t see the casualties that have occurred.  It’s the only thing no one else can understand.  It’s my battle and I have to fight it alone every day.

I know I will win.  Sometimes I get weary, but in the end I will win.

I wrote these words in the midst of my battle with breast cancer.  It's been over 4 years.  The brain battle is probably the battle that everyone who struggles with anything is having the most difficult time with. It's not a battle we can see and fight with our fists.  It's in our heads and it tries to take over, steal our joy, and steal our hope. I learned I had to stay on the offensive and be ready because it would never let up.  I still fight this battle; however, my enemy isn't as powerful or doesn't have as good as ammunition as it once had.  I win a bit easier these days.

Do You

Do your thing because if you don't, you wouldn't be you.

There are some things I do that few people see.  Some of the things I do, I don't let anyone see.  I do them because they are me.  I do them because I have to.  I don't have to because someone is making me, I do them because these things make me who I am.

One example is my writing.  I began filling journals and notebooks with thoughts and happenings when I was 17.  Today, I have filled over 31 different books.  If you read these blogs, you get a small sliver of some of those thoughts.  Most of them are still between the pages.  I write in those books for me.  I write to organize my thoughts, to sort through situations, to come to terms with my life, and to discover how to best be me.  I write for me.

I also have quiet moments with a cup of coffee (or 2 or 3).  I love sitting by the fire in the winter.  I like being outside.  All these things help me.  All these things bring my soul peace so that I am useful to everyone else.

You have something that you do that strengthens you and feeds you.  You have something you have to do to be whole and sometimes even sane.  Whatever that is, do it.