The most difficult part of having cancer is the battle that goes on in my brain. I can cope with the daily schedule of going to treatment. I can manage the pain, I can even figure out how to dress since I can't wear a bra. It’s my mind. It goes to places of despair or pity. It doesn’t let me sleep. When I wake up, the battle immediately begins again. I can’t escape it. I know, I give my thoughts to God. I know, I focus on His truths and doing those things works. What I’m saying is that I don’t get a break from the battle. If I let down my guard for even a second my mind takes me to places I don’t want to go. That’s why mornings are difficult. I must begin the battle the second I wake up and sometimes the thought enemy gets a jab in as I’m becoming fully aware that a new day has come.
It’s a tiring battle. It’s a continuous battle. It’s one that people don’t know I'm having. They can’t see my battle. They only see my actions. They cannot see the war going on in my head. They can’t see the casualties that have occurred. It’s the only thing no one else can understand. It’s my battle and I have to fight it alone every day.
I know I will win. Sometimes I get weary, but in the end I will win.
I wrote these words in the midst of my battle with breast cancer. It's been over 4 years. The brain battle is probably the battle that everyone who struggles with anything is having the most difficult time with. It's not a battle we can see and fight with our fists. It's in our heads and it tries to take over, steal our joy, and steal our hope. I learned I had to stay on the offensive and be ready because it would never let up. I still fight this battle; however, my enemy isn't as powerful or doesn't have as good as ammunition as it once had. I win a bit easier these days.
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