Words

Don't limit yourself with your words.

I like words, not just stories and ideas, but words.  Words have power to paint the deepest most meaningful pictures.  Words bring feelings, memories, and connections.  All through time words have shaped the future, helped us remember the past and explained the present.  I share words with my grandparents when I call or write.  They use words to share they liked my call.  People use words in everything they do.

We hear words, we read words, we think words, we use words to find our way.  Words shape us, define us, inspire us, move us, teach us, and explain us. I love words.  I love hearing them, reading them and especially letting them become part of me. 

These words have the power to create and to tear down.  As I venture into a difficult day or a difficult moment, I am aware the words I tell myself will determine my ability to handle what is coming.  If I dread it and speak about how it will be too difficult or I won't enjoy it or I won't be able to do it, then those words will come true.  If, instead, I am aware of the difficulty, but I speak about how I will overcome it or how the situation will only be for a season then I approach the difficulty ready to get the best out of it.

We surf each summer.  We've often invited or encouraged those we know to try surfing.  It's an experience that can change a person's perspective.  We aren't so extraordinary that surfing comes easy to us while others may struggle.  We are pretty normal and know that most people can at least attempt to surf and ride a few waves even if it's only on their bellies.

I love it when someone is open minded and willing to try surfing.  Whether they enjoy it or not, whether they get a chance to try or not, their willingness is wonderful.  In the same way, I hate it when I invite someone to try surfing and they adamantly reply they can't.  They don't say they won't or don't want to or even that they are scared.  They claim they can't.  You only know if you can or can't do something if you try. 

The best way to know if you are capable of the difficult is to look back at what you have already overcome.  Celebrate the victories and tell yourself that nothing can stop you.  Nothing can keep you down.  Even if all you can do is take one step at a time, that step will be a victory.

Use your words to encourage yourself and remind yourself that you are amazing and the next obstacle is simply another opportunity for another victory.

Birthday

Everyone celebrates their birthday differently.  My husband and I both celebrated our birthdays this month.  Last year we reached the milestone birthday of 40.  It doesn't bother me if people know my age because my age doesn't define me.  It is simply the number of years I have been around.

My grandma was always adamant that no one make a big deal about her age whenever her birthday came around.  She didn't want to say her age, think about it or let anyone else think about it.  She'd be found making nonsense sounds when asked how old she was. 

All my life, I didn't understand why she acted so ashamed of her age.  At each of her birthdays I wanted to celebrate her age.  I wanted to celebrate the number of years she had thrived, the changes she had seen, the obstacles she had overcome, the creations she had contributed.  She was beautiful, strong and amazing and I saw her age as a badge of honor.

However you celebrate or don't celebrate your birthday, the date that comes around each year should be a day to celebrate your life.  Celebrate what you have accomplished, overcome, and achieved. 

Another Birthday
This year I have a little more grey hair.
This year I have a new wrinkle or two.
This year my skin looks thinner.
This year my eyes look darker.
This year I can see you, I can smile, I can hold your hand, and I can be with you.

This year had some sad days.
This year had some glad days.
This year had some victorious days.
This year had some days that seemed to beat me up.
This year I can get out of bed each morning and take on what the day has for me even if it is difficult.

This year brought some cruel people.
This year brought new  treasured friends.
This year brought some thoughtless comments.
This year brought compassionate strangers.
This year was filled with people that came and supported and loved me through the good and bad.

It may simply be another birthday,
but when I look back at what was added or lost,
I am thankful to be. 
I am thankful I have the strength to stand in the face of the good and the bad, the kind and the cruel.
I am thankful for another birthday and all another year has brought me.

Tell Me

I just had the most amazing conversation with a former coworker.  She called to ask about our old house, but first she asked how my health was.  She knew I had MS because I was diagnosed while working with her.  I hadn't talked to her in over 2 years, so of course, I answered that I was doing fine.  She adamantly said, "No, how are you really doing?"  Based on the fact that she was adamant about me being honest, I thought perhaps she had been reading my blogs.  She hadn't.  She knew that MS might cause issues and wanted me to be honest with her.  She had no idea about my recent back surgery.

I informed her about my surgery and how this week was tough, but I'm so thankful that today is much better.  I felt like doing things today and, more importantly, I felt like eating.

I love that she made me tell her the truth.  I love that she was genuinely concerned.  I love that a person whom I haven't been in touch with for so long wouldn't let me get away with platitude answers.

I believe some cultures are more honest, some groups of people are more honest. 

As you consider your favorite characters from movies or television, they are probably honest.  They probably stand up for themselves.  They probably speak their mind and make sure they are heard.  The characters that aren't this way change by the end or they aren't our favorites.

Can we adjust our culture? 
Can we require honesty of others and give it in return? 
Can we respect others' ideas and opinions without getting offended? 
Can we stand up for ourselves?
Can we let others know who we really are even if they don't like us? 

We can, but will we? 
Will we try to be true to one another and ourselves? 

I plan on trying.  I realize it may take a lifetime to unlearn bad habits, but it is worth it to know that I was true and honest.

Lies

This has been a rough week.  In my mind back surgery meant that it would be easy for me to post daily blogs because of all the time I would have lying around recovering.  In turns out when you don't feel well you don't want to do anything but wait for the icky-ness to go away.  That means even your favorite tasks get put aside.

I knew that back surgery would mean a long recovery time.  I knew that I would have to modify my movements for awhile.  I am eternally grateful that I am no longer in excruciating pain, but I was surprised by the events of this week.

I didn't want to tell you about them.

I didn't want to tell you about how I felt sick during my birthday.  I had horrible stomach pains, and tried hard to put on a smile for those around me.

I didn't want to tell you how I couldn't sleep at all or that when I did, I woke every 4 hours or 2 hours or 1 hour.

I didn't want to tell you about discontinuing my pain medication and feeling some very uncomfortable effects.

I didn't want to tell you how I just wanted to lie down and wait until it was all gone, but I couldn't because I have to be gentle with my back and I have to lie down a certain way or sit a certain way so I don't cause complications with the surgery they already did.

I didn't want to tell you how I didn't want to eat anything due to my stomach pain including coffee and chocolate, which I can usually have at any time or any day.

I didn't want to tell you this because I want you to know that the surgery went fine, I'm healing, and I didn't want you to become worried about me, sorry for me, or think that things are too difficult.

Well, the surgery did go fine.  I'm recovering.  But I also had a tough week overcoming stomach pains and feeling icky.

I know that in a month or two I will look back and be amazed or proud or something when I remember what I went through.  But I'm in the middle of it now.  Right now I don't feel like being amazed by my strength or hopeful that it won't last forever.  Right now, I simply want it to go away.  Haven't I had pain for long enough? I ask the room.  Can't I just recover from surgery?  Do I really have to have a week of activity stopping stomach pains to go with it?

I do.   I can handle it.  I will handle it.  I will smile and lie to you when you ask and tell you I am doing fine.  I am recovering.  I won't tell you the whole truth, I will lie to you.

I'm sorry I do that.  It is what I have always done.  If I tell you everything, I might start to think about it too much.  If I say it out loud, I might forget to keep my eyes on what I can control.  If I voice the real truth, I might sound like I'm complaining and you won't want to talk to me anymore.

So here I am, telling you the truth.  I don't want to.  I would rather lie.  I would rather hide it from you so you don't treat me differently or look at me with sad eyes, but because I know that these things are sometimes your truth also, I want you to be free to be honest and not lie to me when I ask how you are doing.

It's okay if things aren't going well, I know that isn't your fault.  One day they will be.  One moment they will be.  I know you're trying to be strong.  If you tell me the truth, I can encourage you and love on you.  I can remember you and pray for you.

I'm sorry I lie.  I will try to do better.  Thank you for doing better too.

Loss

It is okay to grieve loss.

You are used to grieving for the loss of people and pets, but sometimes we lose other things.

With my list of cancer, MS, and now two surgeries on my medical chart I lost my perfect health record.  I didn't lose my health, I still have a lot of healthy parts to me, but I took pride in my perfect chart and grieved a little when it was first lost.  Now I'm getting used to what I have and the grieving doesn't come so often.

Sometimes we grieve a loss of tradition.  As children grow up and become adults they often have their own families or busy schedules and our normal traditions that we treasured for years often have to change.  The new traditions will be wonderful and great and will provide numerous memories, but for a moment it is okay to to be sad that the old traditions are changing.

Sometimes we grieve the loss of our things.  Usually these things carry stories with them like the favorite mug given by the relative that passed away.  It isn't that we are really sad about the mug.  We are sad that the mug we grabbed everyday won't daily be one of the reminders we have of that loved one.  It is okay to grieve that loss for a moment.  Fortunately, we usually have other ways to remember those we love.

Losses happen all the time.  We lose jobs either by choice or necessity, we will miss the people and the familiarity.  Cars leave us.  We sell them, trade them, or break them.  The car bears memories that we will have to work a bit harder to recall.  We move out of homes and lose the daily reminders they give us.  We lose moments we waste worrying about things that eventually work out perfectly.

Loss of all types brings grief.  Not all grief takes us down the same path.  My grief over people will never come close to the grief of losses of things.  But just because they are things doesn't mean we aren't allowed to be a little sad.  We can remember, cry a little if we have to, and then prepare ourselves for the next thing.  Sometimes the next thing is recognizing the strength you will get from the loss.  Sometimes the next thing is moving forward with the new.  Sometimes we simply take a moment, then move on.

Don't disregard your loss as unimportant.  It is okay to be sad for losses.

The most important thing is to set your mind on what you still have and what amazing things will be coming to replace the loss.

Weeds

A few years ago we were going on a 15 day vacation.  I spent time the day before we left pulling weeds knowing that a little weed today, left alone, would no longer be a little weed.

A little bad habit today can grow into a harmful habit.
A little annoyance can grow into a frustration.
A little nick can grow into a gaping hole.
A little misunderstanding can grow into a lost relationship.

If left alone, the things in our life that don't belong can grow to the point where they are overwhelming and dangerous.  I understood this clearly with the weeds.  Do I understand this clearly in my life?

There are many different examples that illustrate these small troubles growing into large difficulties.  It is easiest to think of where I am today.

Recently, I had a herniated disc and I had surgery to fix it.  It is blessed to be able to speak in the past tense regarding this.  It happened and is daily improving.

Before surgery, I was discussing my symptoms with doctors and specialists.  In the midst of my many conversations with them, I realized that this problem began a long time ago.  It is possible that it began years ago. 

Approximately 5 years ago, my lower back hurt me so badly I could not take large steps or stand up straight.  I did some daily stretching and yoga and managed to make the pain go away.

About 6 months ago, I started to have pain shooting down my leg.  I thought I could make it go away with stretching, massaging or rest.  I succeeded to a point.  It would get better, then it would get worse.  I would give it a lot of attention, see some improvement then give it less attention and it would get worse again.  Eventually there was nothing but medication that would touch the pain.  It was at that point that surgery became my only option.

Now that I am in the healing process and am learning to sit and walk with the best posture, I wonder if having proper posture from the beginning could have helped.  How much of my problem was aggravated because I carried heavy bags on my shoulder?  How much of this could have been avoided if I had identified the little weeds a long time ago and taken care of them before they grew? 

In this case, I didn't really know what the weed was or what I was doing to help it to grow.  I do now and I will keep a watchful eye for future weeds that try to grow up and take over parts of my life.

Santa's Lap

December 1st is one of my favorite days of the year.  It could be because it marks the beginning of a month filled with my birthday, Christmas and the potential for snow.

Today I'm reminded of a story that happened the day before Christmas Eve 5 years ago.  

While my husband and his brother prepared a Christmas gift for my girls, I had to keep them away from the house.  I took them into town.  They wanted to go see Santa.  At the time, my oldest was 11 and my youngest was 8.  

Against the voices saying:

"You don't want to do that, it'll cost money, 

I don't want to wait in line," 

I took them inside, telling myself:

"They are only young once, 

they still believe in the magic of Santa, 

this won't last forever, 

the line isn't that big of a deal compared to their joy, 

it isn't that much money in the realm of the big picture."

They sat on Santa's lap and got their picture taken.  My youngest talked his ear off. They were both thrilled.

Letting our girls believe in Santa wasn't lying to them.  It was letting them believe in magic and beauty and a pure giving heart.  These are all things Jesus came to give us, we have a fun character at Christmas giving us hope that we can have those same characteristics.  Wonder, mystery, magic.  These are childlike things that should be treasured for as long as possible, even if that means spending $10 on a photo two girls sitting on Santa's lap.