New Normals

Normal is a difficult word.  It implies there is something typical and anything deterring from the typical is abnormal and perhaps not okay.

Numerous events in our lives bring us new normals: a marriage, a baby, a new home, a new job are a few of life's obstacles which will inevitably turn our expected schedules upside down.  We tend to adjust to these changes willingly, in part, because we often have a choice in them.  We say yes to the marriage, we plan for the baby, we pack up and move our belongings to the new home and we apply for the new job.

However, when the new normals are thrust upon us without our consent, we fight them a bit more. When disease sneaks into our lives or loved ones breathe their last and leave us, we morn.  These aren't situations we asked for.  We fight these moments or question them or both.

I am continually having conversations with myself about my new state of normal.  It has changed multiple times over the past 20 years.  The past 6 years have brought more health changes than I thought I would have to deal with in a lifetime.  I try to tell myself it is okay that I have less energy.  It is okay I can't accomplish the number of tasks I used to be able to accomplish.  It is okay I can't eat whatever I want.  It is okay I must exercise in order to have energy.  It is okay I must take rest days in order to function highly all the other days.  I try to remind myself not to get weary in the battle and not to be down on myself if I need to sink into a chair for a moment.

The culture I grew up with was one where you work.  You take care of the people and possessions around you no matter how you feel.  You don't sit and read a book for hours or watch a series of television shows in one sitting.  You pick up a broom and sweep the floor.  You work and are productive all the time.  It didn't take long for me to realize I couldn't maintain this lifestyle.  It also wasn't healthy.  It is healthy to take breaks and find peace.  It is healthy to say "no."  It is healthy to have balance in one's life.

The key to accepting these new normals is to stop comparing the one I am currently in to the one I have been in before.  I also must stop comparing my normal to the normals of others.  I am my own person with my own journey.  I have my own strengths and my own weaknesses.  I find my way down my path, sometimes making mistakes, sometimes celebrating victories.  I need to determine what each day will look like for me and proudly walk in it without guilt or question.  I need to celebrate my uniqueness and accept my differences.  I need to rejoice in my strengths and refrain from putting myself down, questioning my actions and repeating my list of "shoulds."  My list of "coulds" is long enough and it frees me up to make a choice without any feeling of obligation.

Each moment in my life is a choice.  I choose to enjoy and celebrate and accept rather than question and doubt and wonder what should be.  Bring on the day, normal or not.

Stubborn

I'm stubborn.

I was the first born and watched and copied all the adults around me. I followed the rules and expected everyone else to do the same.  I was the first to draw inside the lines and the last to think outside the box.

I see things a certain way and don't understand why you don't see it that way too.  I like my day to run smoothly and predictably.  I can go with the flow when it comes to the big things, but when it comes to the day to day moments I can control (like the way the laundry is folded, how the dishes are put away and which towel is used for what), I like to have things my way.  I realize this is not conducive to healthy relationships with other people since these tiny things are only important to me and no one else so I've been working on my stubbornness.

For as long as I can remember, at least my married life, I've tried to soften.  I've tried not to care about those little things.  My solution is I think about them in my head and notice them, but never speak of them and don't require those around me to change their ways.  In the meantime, I see it all. 

I like to be right and I usually am.  I don't rub it in your face.  I stop talking, knowing that eventually the proof will reveal itself and you will see I was right all along. 

My stubbornness won't let you see me when I am crashing and need a couch more than anything.  It also won't let me tell you I'm falling apart because I've learned that I should be strong.  If I don't tell you I'm weak, I can fake it long enough to get to the moment where I'm alone, then I can rest and recover and next time I see you I won't have to fake it.

What if you see me weak, then you forget what I can handle and treat me like I'm weak all the time?
What if I'm wrong and you think I'm always wrong?
What if I show you my true self and you don't like me or can't handle all that I am?

I dig my heals in and put on my happy face and make peace with you so I don't have to risk any of my "what ifs."

I'm thankful for the few people I can be raw and real with.  I'm thankful for the few people who have seen me at my worst and still see my strength.  I'm thankful for the people who will tell me I'm being ridiculous.  I'm thankful for the people who will be real with me.

I'm aware of my stubborn weakness like I am aware of my nose.  Some days my stubbornness holds me back.  Some days my stubbornness keeps me walking and gives me victory over my day.

I share this to be real with you, but I also want you to see how your weakness or perceived weakness can be your strength.  It can be the engine that helps you win the race.  Don't beat up yourself for the one thing you can't change.  Choose to see how your weakness might be your strength. 

Lies

Why do we pretend for others?

Why do we put on our best face no matter what?

Why do we fake our feelings?

If we are having a bad day, we should feel free to share it and be honest and real with our friends.  If we are having an amazing day, we should feel free to be excited about it with those we care about. 

Instead, we moderate our feelings.  Our bad day becomes okay.  Our great day becomes good.  That event we are terrified of gets ignored.  The appointment we are excited about is kept quiet just in case it doesn't work out.

I watched a couple of movies with my girls recently where the main female character was unique, honest and confident in her uniqueness.  She wasn't swayed by those around her.  She had a positive outlook on life that drew everyone in and brought light to other's lives.  I know this is a character in a movie and not a real person, but the question screams, "Why are we drawn to these characters?  Why are these characters our favorites?"

My answer is because they are honest.  Even if you take away the positive aspect and look at a character like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino.  We love his character because he is honest and real.

Why can't we be more honest?  Why can't we be more real with one another?  Why is it so difficult to wash away the fake smile and greetings that fill our list of "supposed to's?"

I am challenging myself to be more real each day.  I believe I am better than I used to be, but I know I have plenty of room to grow.  I'm trying to remember to tell you how much you mean to me and to give you an honest answer to your question rather than always deferring to what you want.  You are asking me what I want because you want to know.  I want to be better at stating my weaknesses and celebrating my strengths and accomplishments.  I also want to be better at accepting your weaknesses and rejoicing in your strengths and accomplishments.

Sometimes, I get tired.  Sometimes I get tired of always being polite or kind even when no one else is polite or kind.  Sometimes I get tired of always being positive or cheerful or helpful.  Sometimes I am simply tired.  I want it to be okay to be tired.  I want it to be okay to sit quietly.  I want it to be okay to struggle.  I want it to be okay to succeed.

Perhaps when we begin being completely honest with ourselves we will begin to be more honest with each other.

I want to challenge you to be honest.  I want to challenge you to put your foot forward even if it isn't your best.  I want to challenge you to be the unique person you were created to be and stop copying your neighbor.  Walk proudly in your own shoes.  Walk confidently on your own path.

Everyone will notice when you are uniquely you and perhaps they will be encouraged to be uniquely themselves as well.

Definitions and Mistakes

Your mistakes do not define you.

Those decisions you determine are poor decisions once its too late to take them back do not determine your character.

Your character is determined  by how you handle the difficult news the stranger told you on the phone a few minutes ago.  Your personality is revealed by your deepest desires, dreams and wishes.

The brief moment when you were selfish does not mean you are a selfish person.  The brief moment when you got angry at injustice does not mean you are an angry person.  The brief moment when you couldn't wait your turn does not mean you are an impatient person. 

It is okay to own your mistakes.  It is okay to apologize for missing the mark.  You are not admitting to being a bad person, you are admitting to a mistake and owning up to your actions.  You are requesting others forgive your mistake and recognize it was an action or a possible reaction and not the essence of who you are. 

You are not your mistakes.

Life is constantly surprising us.  As much as we would like to be in control and think we can handle each surprise and each new turn in the path or each rock that trips us along the way, we can't.  We get overwhelmed.  We get tired.  We become weary in the battle and sometimes we let our guard down.  Sometimes the first thought pours out of our mouth when in reality we wanted to swallow it and forget it.  Sometimes our self-control shows up late to the party.  While we are waiting for it to arrive, it feels like someone is controlling us with a remote control and laughing at the results.  Sometimes we are certain we are correct and bury our feet in certainty, until the light shines and we are proven incredibly wrong.

Dwelling on these mistakes only creates pain and regret.  Expecting to never make the mistakes in the first place is unhealthy and unrealistic. 

Dealing with mistakes is comparable to dealing with obstacles.  You assess them.  You move around them, over them, under them or through them.  Then you learn from them.  You learn how to handle the future.  You learn how to make better decisions next time.  And sometimes, you make the same mistake a hundred more times.

I remember times when my girls were younger and they could push each and every one of my buttons.  I was exhausted and overwhelmed, they were simply normal children doing what children do, but I would blow.  The room was finally too messy, the noise was finally too loud or they were too needy.  I don't remember all I said or did, but I know I overreacted.  I inevitably came back apologizing for my actions and telling them I loved them.  They never labeled me a bad mom for those moments.  They saw me as a human being.  A human being they could trust to let them make their own mistakes.

My reactions didn't define me, but my actions did.  They knew and still know it is okay to be a human who makes mistakes. 

The secret to a successful journey is to walk, when you trip, get up, and keep walking.  The scratch on your leg is not the sum of you.  It is a small scratch that will heal.  It may leave a scar to remind you of where you have been and what you have done.  That scar is not a definition of your whole self anymore than a dog's tail determines what kind of dog it is.

Rejoice in your mistakes because your journey is not over and you get to try again.  Rejoice in the strength of your character and personality which stands and endures all the bumps and bruises along the journey.

Problems

What is the worst that can happen?

More than likely, whatever is happening now is far from the worst.

Life is about choosing which problems you'd prefer and accepting our problems our actually our choices.

These thoughts were inspired by words from Mark Manson. 

Let me explain by sharing a couple of personal examples. 

When Jenny called me on October 1, 2012 to tell me I had breast cancer, I had no choice in whether or not breast cancer would be one of my problems, but I did get to choose which steps I would take and how I would think about this problem.

I chose to keep moving.  I decided going to work everyday, being with my family and attempting to continue to do my daily tasks, although difficult, was a better problem for me to face than sitting around waiting for the cancer to do whatever it wanted to do. 

I chose to embrace my thoughts of fear of the unknown and doubt about my ability to stand in the face of the emotional and physical attack constantly berating me.  I wrote down my thoughts.  I acknowledged them then I daily, hourly, minute by minute surrendered myself and my situation to my Daddy.  The daily emotional battle was a better problem for me than holding my emotions in and pretending to be okay until one day I had nothing left.

When I was diagnosed with MS in February of 2015, I didn't get to choose whether or not MS would be a problem I would deal with for the rest of my life, but I did get to choose what my future days would look like and how I would choose to prepare myself for this disease.

I chose to keep moving.  I chose to go to work.  I chose to listen to my body.  When I was weary, I rested.  I chose to eat food that would strengthen my body.  I chose to exercise to increase my balance, strength and awareness of myself.  I choose to embrace what I could control about my health.  All these choices took extra work and energy and didn't always mean I was doing what I wanted, but they were better problems than sitting back and letting MS do whatever it wanted and passively allowing it.

I chose not to dwell on the possibility that MS could come steal whatever it wanted from me in a moment's notice and instead deal with the problem of fully embracing each moment and each ability I had.  If today I can run, I am blessed and thankful.  If tomorrow I can't run, I am thankful I didn't take my ability for granted while I had it.  Then I hope for another day of running.

Last November when walking, sitting and standing was too painful, my herniated disc pressing on my sciatic nerve could have been the problem that consumed me and made my quit trying.  I chose to lie down and remind myself that this was temporary.  As my strength disappeared because of my new completely sedentary life style, I reminded myself I would be strong again one day.  I simply had to pass through this storm.  Once I was allowed to walk again, I walked.  I chose to deal with the problems of snow and cold in order to walk and gain my strength back.  I celebrated each step further than the day before.  I rejoiced at my faster times each time I journeyed into the cold.

Our new house was one of our greatest blessings.  We relinquished problems of needed repairs, high utility bills and long commutes when we moved.  We have new problems in our new home: higher mortgage, new cleaning products to buy, and large windows to clean.  Quite honestly, the problems in our new home aren't problems at all to me, but they technically are.  They are the problems I choose.

I choose my problems and in the midst of problems I can't choose, I choose my reaction.  MS taught me to fully embrace what I can control and surrender to what I can't.  I can control my actions, my reactions, my thoughts and my choices.  I don't have time to waste my energy and thoughts on what I can't control.

Braking

"It's harder to go down hill.  You have to keep your brakes on all the time."

My husband's great grandpa often said this quote.  It may seem obvious, but I don't I'm not sure we think about it all the time. 

When we travel from our house to visit family we have to go over a mountain pass any direction we go.  There are some steep grade downhill areas coming out of the passes.  In each of those areas there is a runoff truck ramp.  The creators of these roads know that semi trucks weighing many tons are coming down these hills.  Truckers have their foot on the brakes and sometimes these brakes can't take any more pressure and give out.  Trucks then turn onto these gravel roads and slow down.

The only relief for these trucks is to drag their tires uphill through deep, difficult gravel.

A few years ago while in Bozeman, Montana we had the opportunity to hike the M.  The M is a destination at the mouth of Bridger Canyon.  There are two trails up to it: one is windy, the other is extremely steep, traveling straight up the 820 feet in elevation.  As difficult as the steep trail is, the most difficult part is coming down.  Your toes try to jam themselves into the ends of your shoes.  Your knees ache from the extra force on them.  You have to be careful not to let your speed get away from you or you will go down the hill faster than your feet can keep up with.  Your head will have reached the end of the trail while the rest of your body is frantically trying to keep up so you don't get hurt. 

The only relief comes in the bends in the trail that attempt to keep you on a more level plane on your way down.

My husband's family shared a story where they took his grandma up a steep trail to use the restroom.  The adventure included some creative teamwork to get the wheel chair over roots and rocks and through the grass and dirt.  They succeeded in reaching the restroom then the most difficult part of the journey began: the trial back down.  They had to hold the front and back of the wheelchair to keep it from rolling uncontrollable down the hill. 

The only relief came from keeping the brakes on and going slowly down the hill.

Our journeys are full of hills.  Often times we think of our difficulties as a steep hill we traverse hoping to get to the top where we can enjoy the amazing view.  We forget the journey back down the hill may be difficult also.  Your brakes might fail and you have to climb back up the hill to slow down.  The trail down might be slow and windy, full of bends taking you far from where you think you should be going, but each bend is intended to keep you from hurting yourself and running faster than you are ready for down to the bottom.  Sometimes you feel like you are traveling with your brakes on.  The pace feels too slow, but you know if you let up on the brakes everything will pass you by and you may fall when you finally reach the bottom.

Journeys are unique.  The view changes with each new step.  The trials and difficult bends come and go.  We get scared about the steep climb up the hill, but we should also be cautious about the downhill journeys.  If we think we can coast to the bottom of the hill, we may either miss out on some important parts of our path or we can hurt ourselves along the way.  "It's all downhill from here" does not mean the rest of the journey will be easy.  It means we have to be careful and slowly take one step at a time.

My solution to these up and down journeys is to focus on where I am right now.  I try to watch my step.  I try to enjoy what I see.  I try to prepare myself for surprises, but ultimately I can only walk the path in front of me.  I can only see my next step.  I walk my own path.

These past few weeks I had to put on my brakes.  I caught a cold that refused to leave.  I have spent 3 weeks resting then working then resting.  I got excited when I started to feel better and took my foot off the brake then I started to fall down the hill and had to put on my brakes again.  I may have ended up in the gravel at some point when I failed to use my brakes when I should have.  I'm finally starting to feel better again.  This time I won't let my foot off the brake so quickly.

Enjoy your journey with all the ups and downs, races, and slow strolls.

Lawn Mowers

This morning my husband read me an article about lawn mower parents.  I had heard of helicopter parents, parents who are always watching over everything their kids do.  They hover and and are ever-present.  I hadn't heard of lawn mower parents until this morning.  These parents are constantly clearing obstacles out of their child's way.  Anything that might hurt them is removed.  This constant lawn mowing teaches children they can't handle adversity or stress.  It teaches them they are not strong enough for the obstacles life throws at them.

I've seen the evidence of this.  As a teacher, I hear students tell me they can't do things because they have been told they can't.  They can't handle stress.  They can't focus.  They can't do math.  None of these can'ts are true.  They simply haven't learned how yet.

As he was reading the article, I thought about the person I would be now if I hadn't passed through so much adversity in my life.  It didn't start with cancer diagnosis, but that was a big moment in my transformation.  I began to see people more clearly and had better priorities.  Each obstacle I encounter is another opportunity to become stronger, not to give up.  Each trial that falls at my feet is an opportunity to learn a better way rather than retreat in failure.

You can go back and read old posts about how I handled adversity in the big, difficult moments, but I still get excited about the little moments too.  I've had some form of a cold or left overs of a cold for two weeks now.  I've spent 3 different weekends resting to some extent so I can do my job during the week.  I could easily quit.  I could easily say "I don't feel well, see you when I do."  But I don't.  I rest when I can.  I make the smartest choices I can about what I eat and what I spend my energy on.  I don't run myself into the ground, but I also don't give up.  I took almost a week off of exercise when my cold was at its worst, but I am back to it now.  Some would use their illness as an excuse and refuse to exercise.  I have found that as long as I can, it can't speed up the healing process.  Yesterday, after my workout, I threw up.  I threw up a bunch of crud that was sitting in my chest and would have remained if I hadn't exerted extra energy.

I still get tired.  I still have days of pain.  I still have to take a day at the end of the week to recover.  However, I have overcome more obstacles than I can count in my 41 years and am thankful for each one.

I believe my adversities have made me more grounded, compassionate, understanding and peaceful. 

As you face your own difficulties, I pray no one mows them down for you so you can see how strong and amazing you are.  I pray you overcome every adversity and look back at what you can accomplish.  When the next trial comes you will know you can handle it because of all you have already accomplished.