Pink Story: Check the Box

One of the biggest struggles I am dealing with is going from a very healthy person to a “person with cancer.”  I had to check the “cancer” box on the forms I filled out for the radiation oncologist.  Before my diagnosis I didn’t have to check any of those boxes on the doctor’s office forms.  I took pride in that fact.  Each time I went to the doctor, I could check “no” on the more than thirty boxes asking what is wrong with you.  Now, I have to check the “cancer” box.  I have to write that I had surgery and answer all the people who are shocked that I have breast cancer at such a young age. Now I’m completely healthy . . . except for cancer.  

I had a conversation with my dad about this.  He had the same thing happen to him.  About 12 years ago he was diagnosed with MS and before that was completely healthy.  Now he has the one box to check.  It’s crushing.  You can’t go back.  You can’t make it go away.  For the rest of my life I will have to check the “cancer” box.  I spent some time grieving this loss.  It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it was.

New House, New Beginning

We like new beginnings.  Even if we don't think we do or don't talk about it, as a culture we celebrate new beginnings.  We celebrate a new year, a birth, a new job, a wedding, a new school year and the list goes on.  My family is about to venture into our own new beginning. By next month we should be in a new house.

We are excited about a new beginning.  We love the idea of beginning afresh and with much less stuff tagging along with us.  As we go through our things to pack them, we are asking, "Do we want to move this thing to the new house?  Do we really need this?  Do we use this?" It is helping us begin anew.  The girls are excited about their new rooms.  My youngest has a long desired window seat and my oldest gets a regular closet with a place to hang up clothes rather than simply a few shelves.

Why do we like new beginnings?  I think it all comes down to a clean slate.  A clean slate or a blank canvas means we can design anything we want.  No mistakes have been made yet.  The possibilities for the new creation are unlimited.  We can imagine meeting goals we have set for each ourselves.  We can imagine fulfilled dreams and hopes becoming reality.

Our biggest mistake is thinking that new beginnings are only found when the "big change" days come around.  I'm always baffled by the amount of energy everyone puts into the first day of the new year when in reality it's a new day just like each day that we are given when we arise in the morning.  We can begin with a blank canvas each morning.  Each month there is another first day, each week has it's own new beginning.

When life isn't going the way we want.  When we've made more mistakes than we can count, a new beginning is only a moment away.  A moment to start fresh and make your own new beginning and create the picture we really want.

Pink Story: Intro to Radiation

We met with the radiation oncologist.  As I began filling out paperwork, I realized I had somewhat taken the week off from thinking about all the cancer things I have to deal with.  It was a nice break that was suddenly ended with a little paperwork.  

The doctor explained the process that I will go through.  He explained the risks and the options of radiation.  He also explained he is uncomfortable putting a 35 year old through radiation treatment, but in the studies they’ve done, people without radiation treatment have had a much greater risk of the cancer returning than those who don’t.  Cancer returning in this same form or, perhaps, a more invasive form is considered worse than the side effects of radiation.  However, I am now much more scared about all of it than I was before I walked in the door.  I am more concerned about the sunburn on my skin, the tiredness it will cause, and the list side effects affecting other parts of my body.  

They gave me a pile of information to read.  I feel like I have a choice to either read up on it so I fully understand everything and perhaps become more scared, or I can sit back and trust the doctor’s judgement.  I know being educated can be a good thing, but I don’t know if my mind can take it all in and send it to the right places.  I feel like I need to call my grandmas and talk to them.  I keep thinking, if they can go through cancer treatment at 65 and 85 years old, I can do it at 35. This is more terrifying than surgery.

Minimize

Three years ago we decided that we would not be able to stay in our current home.  It was too big for our little family and was stealing money and time that we would rather give to other things.  At that time, we began getting rid of unnecessary things.  We tried to make our home easier to function in, to clean and to eliminate extra things that we didn't use but simply stored.  I was amazed to find things we had moved to two different houses and never used.

We reflected that whenever we would go on vacation we would only have a few items from our home. We would usually be in a very small house and we were content and at peace and didn't miss the things we left behind.  Perhaps, we didn't need some of them.  It's difficult when items have a story or when they belonged to someone you care about, but is no longer with you.  It makes it more difficult to get rid of those treasures even if you don't use them.  

I have many old treasures that belonged to my grandma who passed away in 2014.  I don't use them and she is not in them, but I have a tough time knowing what to do with them. I remember her more in the pansies growing through my bricks than in the furniture she gave me, but I know I can't replace any of the furniture if something happens to it.  I suppose that is all the more reason to focus on the pansies which come back each year without fail.  

I've been working for the last few years to change my mentality about these things and to accept getting rid of them and know that things, our stuff, doesn't mean anything in the end.  It's difficult, but I know I get a little better at it each day.

I'm looking forward to living in a smaller house.  I'm looking forward to not having the ability to keep so many things.  I'm thankful we are going to keep our lives simple and remember that most important is time with one another.  Our stuff should never keep us from people or keep us so busy that we can't stop and enjoy a conversation once in a while.  

Pink Story: Share Your Burden

I am not the only one adjusting to cancer entering my life.  My husband has a whole new set of thoughts, worries, concerns, and decisions to deal with that he never had before.  While enjoying a nice breakfast before my next doctor's appointment, my husband confided in me that he felt like he was trying to hold everything together.  He was feeling overwhelmed and a little bit alone with his new burden.  He was trying to make things easier on me which meant that he was silently taking on more duties and especially more worrying.  He was trying to keep difficult things from me. We realized that we needed to figure out how to make it easier on him so he doesn’t feel so stretched.  The first step was in talking about it.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with difficult times.  No one is right or wrong, but I also believe that no one can deal with those difficulties on their own.  We must share our burden with someone, even if it’s only by telling them.  We can’t and shouldn’t ever carry our whole load alone.  

Cards and Letters

I spent much of yesterday sorting through a box of cards.  The cards date back more than 35 years.  I decided it was time to look through them and only keep ones that I wanted to remember.  I filled two trash bags and was left with less than a shoe box full of really special cards and letters.

As I was glancing and reading through each one, I remembered how nice it was to hear kind words from people in the mail.  I tend to get cards on holidays: birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas, Mother's Day, but I also had some that were sent just because someone wanted to send a note.  Those are precious to me.  Those are part of my story, a loved one sharing about their days and asking about yours.  It's a story.  They sat down and took the time to write a note and ask questions.  They addressed the envelope, put a stamp on it and put it in the mailbox knowing it would be a few days before they got their answer.  They will anticipate your response and look forward to retrieving the mail each day.

I don't write letters as much as I did when I was in college.  It could be because texting and calling is so very convenient.  It could be because I got busy with my life.  It could be a little of both.  Convenience hasn't made us better at talking to each other.  I think we put off the conversations until later because we know we can.  Or perhaps, we think that sharing a picture with everyone is the same as talking to one person.  Whatever the reason, I stopped writing to people.  After looking through those precious and kind words, I found myself wanting to hear from those dear friends and family members on paper again.

I will be mailing a large amount of letters in the next coming months.  You may get one from me.  I will have to hunt down some addresses, but I'm sure that won't be too difficult.  I hadn't realized how special that written conversation was and I hadn't realized how much I missed it.  I will happily take a few minutes to write down my thoughts and queries to the people that are dear to me.  I'm excited to get the conversation going again.

Pink Story: Adjustments

It has been a week since my surgery.  We went to the store yesterday.  We were all getting a little stir crazy around the house.  I quickly lost all stamina, was in extreme pain, got overheated and almost threw up.  

This is starting to border on the line of sucking.  I’m tired of being in pain.  I’m tired of not sleeping good.  I’m tired of laying around the house.  I don’t mind taking it easy, but I’m tired of being completely limited.  

While I was lying awake in bed I was thinking about surgery.  Most surgeries come because a person has an injury.  They are broken and the surgery fixes them.  My surgery technically fixed me because it took out the cancer, but I didn’t feel broken beforehand.  I feel more broken now.  I didn’t have a broken bone that hurt and now I know will get better.  I felt fine before (I know I wouldn’t have stayed that way) so after the surgery I feel more beat up than I did before.  It’s a bit of an adjustment.  

I have to adjust what I do, how much I do, and when I do things.  I don’t get to freely follow after everyone else.  I have to pay attention to myself and sometimes say “no.”  I’m not used to this type of adjusting.  I’m used to being more than capable of completing any and everything that comes my way.  My limitations are taking some time to get used to.