Many of the entries I've made in my 31 notebooks include the words, I'm tired, I'm weary or I'm exhausted. Those words are often found at the beginning. Of course, I often wrote first thing in the morning. It is common for the first thought when getting out of bed to be "I'm tired."
There were months after my youngest was born that I was tired. I was tired before she was born while 9 months pregnant. I was tired during cancer, during the early days of MS, and during my journey to get my master's degree. I've always been tired while teaching. It seems that tired was a part of most days even if there weren't extra things going on.
When we are tired, we have to try harder to be patient, kind, energetic, and motivated. We have to ignore the reactive impulses and make ourselves behave.
Most of the time I have difficulty focusing and finding words when I'm tired. This happened long before MS.
This information leads me to believe that I may spend more days tired than not. It's possible that if I am honest with myself, I am usually tired. If I am tired that often then tired is not an excuse for poor behavior. Tired is not a reason to stop moving or to stop caring. If it were, I wouldn't do anything.
Tired comes in many forms. Sometimes it is simply a lack of sleep. I had one of those weeks a few weeks ago. It didn't matter what I did, I couldn't get more than 5 hours of sleep each night.
Sometimes tired is a weariness in the battle. A weariness in dealing with the same problems, the same situations. As a teacher I get tired of repeating myself.
Sometimes tired is a spiritual thing. Our spirits get weary from fighting to stand tall, fighting to be encouraging, fighting to be hopeful.
What is the point in talking about being tired? Since it isn't a state that goes away quickly and it is something that likes to stick around and show its face as often as it can, we have to deal with it. We have to determine if there is an action we can take to reduce the tired like sleep or rest or if the tired is here and won't go away until the season passes. Babies start sleeping through the night, graduation comes, bodies heal, the seasons pass and we sleep again.
Whether we can act to get rest or we simply have to wait, we have to make choices to keep ourselves sane and healthy until the tired leaves us. We have to eat foods that feed our bodies, move our muscles to stay strong and find hope to carry us through.
Many times, a visit or a phone call from a friend wakes me up. I want to be present. I want to be with my friend. I want to hear about her week. I want to be a part of her day. I can put my weariness aside for those moments. When my girls were little, the tired would subside as I poured myself into them. It wasn't until I sat down that I felt tired again.
Whenever we were at my grandma's house she would be moving and serving each moment. She was working in the garden, she was cooking dinner, she was going for walks, she rarely sat. We used to scold her for being busy and we ordered her to sit down. I don't know for sure, but it could be she kept moving to keep the tired away. Sitting down might mean falling asleep.
I'm sorry for all the tired days you feel. I'm sorry you have to go to work, I'm sorry you have to take care of your kids, I'm sorry you have to keep moving while your tired.
So today, my words were not "I'm tired." They were "I'm thankful." I'm thankful it is Friday. I'm thankful this was a 4 day week. I'm thankful for my job. I'm thankful I am creative and can find ways to make my day easier. I'm thankful.
On the toughest days, in the toughest moments I will be thankful even though I am tired.
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