By the end of October, 2012 my mental and emotional journey was a continuous roller coaster. I would feel good and in control one moment, then ready to collapse under the pressure the next. I was constantly thinking about what was going on inside my body and what would be happening in the next few weeks. On this day I didn’t feel worried or scared just a heavy weight that pressed down on me every second of every day.
I love how I am able to not feel worried, but at the same moment feel this extreme pressure. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had shrunk a little from the constant weight. I had no idea how to lesson the weight, or how to distract my mind or change my thoughts. I ventured that maybe I should stop trying to beat my thoughts and, instead, embrace them and deal with them head on. I thought maybe I should attack them instead of avoiding them.
I considered that plan. I discovered that I was afraid to engage my thoughts. I was afraid of where they would take me. I was afraid to say them out loud or write them down. Then they would exist for real and I could not pretend they didn’t.
Ironically, that is the thing I love most about writing. I love that when you write it down it is down forever. I especially love that when you write your thoughts down they are no longer in your head. You don’t have to remember them. You don’t have to recall what happened when or how you felt or what you wanted. You write it and it's done. You write it and move on. Now I’m terrified to write my thoughts down because they will be permanent and real and I am not sure if I want to make them real. I might have to deal with them, I might have to admit something I’m not willing to admit.
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