Pink Story: Weary From Standing

I had read, “Fill up the spare moments of your life with praise and thanksgiving." (Jesus Calling) so I tried.  I thanked God for what He had done.  My back hurt, I had kinks in my neck, but when I began thanking God peace filled me and I quickly fell asleep.  The battle never ends.

I came to appreciate “Jesus Calling” as each day went on.  A fellow breast cancer survivor gave it to me and it seemed that each time I read it I was encouraged with exactly the words I needed to hear to make it through that day.  Usually I am a stickler for following rules so, in the past, if someone had given me a book with dated passages as this book had, I would begin on the date that matched today’s date then I would religiously read it every day so that I wouldn’t get off.  If I missed a day I would read two passages to catch up.  I didn’t do this with this book.  Even though it was October, I began on January 1st.  It was freeing to break the rules and this way it didn’t matter if I read it every day.  

It is now October 29th.  It has only been a little over a month since I began this journey, but it feels so much longer.  I should be hearing the results from the genetic test any day, my surgery is only a few weeks away, and I can’t turn my brain off from the "what ifs."  Each day I awake afresh with the weight of two fully loaded, over-sized semi’s on my shoulder.  Each day I sit down with my journal and word by word, page by page set the burden down so that I can function throughout the day.  On October 29th I awoke with the burden afresh.  I was tired.  I was spent.   I felt like quitting.  I was tired of having one thing on my mind every waking moment.  I was tired of moving forward and working so hard.  I was tired of being strong.