Pink Story: Be Kind

One of the things I learned most over the first 4 months since my cancer diagnosis was to be easy on myself and to judge myself less.  I was and am in the process of learning to lower the expectations I have for myself and give myself a break.  I couldn’t work as hard as I used to work.  I didn’t berate myself for that.  I did what I could then I let the rest go.  No amount of worrying would get the work done.  I let go and praised myself for what I did do, not what I didn’t do.  I didn’t look the same.  I couldn’t wear stylish clothes or make my figure the best it could be.  I learned to show myself grace and not be overly concerned with my looks.

I got tired quickly at night.  I let myself go to sleep.  Dishes were waiting to be done, I would walk away until I had the strength to do them.  While at home I was either wearing sweats or pajamas because they were comfortable.  I didn’t change when someone came by to impress them.  As I stopped being concerned about what I thought of myself, I cared less what others thought of me.

I did my hair in a way that worked, a way that made me feel good even if it wasn’t the best style.  I painted my fingernails any color I wanted.  I wore the shoes I wanted to wear even if they were giant unstylish snow boots.  Sometimes I wore makeup in public, sometimes I wouldn’t.  I was learning to do things because I wanted to do them, not to impress the strangers I met.  My Christmas tree was still standing on January 17th and I didn’t rushed to take it down so others wouldn’t judge me.  When I had the energy to take it down, I would take it down.

I wasn’t able to exercise, but I was not judging my shape.  My hair was grey, I wasn’t going to dye it.  There was no one out there I needed to impress or put on a show for.  I needed to be me, be comfortable being me and give myself a break.

Today, I am still working on these things.  I am still trying to be kind to myself.  This may be the most important lesson we learn.