Pink Story: Difficult Days

Each of us has good days and bad days.  

When I was about a month into my cancer treatment and it had been about 3 months since my diagnosis I reflected on my level of energy.  I went to a Christmas party and people were surprised and pleased to see me.  Surprise came from their thought that I wasn’t well enough to be there.  Pleased came from the fact they were encouraged to see me out.  Later, a friend called and told me I was strong and an encouragement to people around me.  

At the time that I was in the midst of all of this, I did not feel any of these things.  I felt a little slower, a little less energetic, a little more tired and a little more pain.  I simply walked forward through my life one step at a time.  The treatment for cancer and the idea of dealing with cancer took more from me than the actual cancer.

Back then, I imagined that on the day I became 100% myself again I would say, “Wow, I wasn’t feeling well all those days.”  However, I couldn’t compare how I felt then to feeling well.  I hadn’t felt well for over 3 months.  My new state of health and wholeness at the time was diminished from what it was the summer before.  I couldn’t feel how I felt that summer and how I felt that winter simultaneously.  I had no idea how this had really affected me.  I simply moved forward at the pace I could move and do what I could do.  I didn’t get down on myself for not being able to do something I used to be able to do, but I had a new normal I had to deal with on a daily basis.  

During this time, people kept telling me how strong I was and I felt anything but strong.  I wanted to be able to see myself through someone else’s eyes.  In most people’s eyes I saw compassion, but sometimes there was pity or fear.  I hoped being strong was a good thing and that people didn’t think I was milking something.  I’d rather be strong than be too weak and fall apart all the time and need people to carry me.  Most people didn’t know how to help me, so I got all my strength from my Daddy (God), they didn’t have to worry about it.  They could simply watch me walk.

We all have days when we don’t feel completely whole.  Sometimes we are ill, sometimes our mind is full or weary, sometimes our hearts ache.  We have to keep going.  We know that there will come a day when we feel better.  We simply need to keep moving and do our best during those difficult days.  We also need to remember that many people around us may be having difficult days.  Most of the time, we won’t be able to tell by looking at them.  They are trying to keep moving in the midst of their difficult days.  We have a choice to hinder them or help them.