I walked into the house with a heaviness. I had to tell my husband what Jill, my advocate, had said. I’m so glad I wrote it all down. Telling him was more like sharing notes from a meeting than giving him the information I was actually giving him.
I was okay. It definitely didn’t seem real. This kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me. I am very healthy. Of all of my family, I am the one without the health issues. I always mark “no” on the long list of medical problems they ask about on the forms. I never have questions or concerns for the doctor. I knew my amazing health wouldn’t last forever, but I didn’t expect it to change at 35. It was surreal.
I would tell people that this information came as a shock. One person actually pointed out it would be a shock no matter when it happened. She didn’t understand. I figured at 60-something I might have an issue or two. Nothing was supposed to happen at 35. I am a doctor’s dream, this didn’t fit. Even now, 4 years later, I am still extremely healthy except for the two boxes I have to check.
Sometimes, during these days after my diagnosis, I would wonder if there was a conspiracy. Did the doctors really see what they said they saw? Maybe they were just making all this up to support their businesses. In the early days I was okay. In the early days I moved forward like a determined horse leading his carriage. My master was kind enough to put blinders on so I only had to see what was in front of me. The carriage I was pulling was heavy because it carried 4 people that belonged on Biggest Loser (they weren’t real people, just representing the weight I carried). The only thing I could do was focus on my next step. I knew I might have a day when I broke and wanted to fling those people out of the carriage and let them walk on their own, God knows they needed the exercise. I knew I wouldn’t do that to them, but I might want to. Today was not that day. Today I was okay. Today I would put one foot in front of the other and finish the journey.
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