Pink Story: Faith

My husband and my daughters go to a different school than me.  Their situation was more open.  The girls talked about my cancer with their friends.  Their teachers knew.  My husband talked about it.  It is much simpler to say my wife or my mom has cancer than to say “I” have cancer.  I thought about this fact a lot.  I don’t know why it was such a struggle for me, but it was.  I would see someone I hadn’t seen in a long time.  They would ask how I was and I would say, “fine.”  In my head I would tell myself that they didn’t really want to know.  They were just being polite.  If I answered honestly, suddenly the moment would be awkward and it would feel like I was trying to get sympathy.  I actually told people that it was ok to share about me with each other because I didn’t want to do it.  My husband's school began raising money for us.  They sold pink bracelets and sold pizza for lunch. It was really great of them but a little surreal.  I never imagined I’d be that person.  I’m the person they are having fundraisers for.  I’m the person efforts are devoted to.  They had a pink day where students could wear pink if they paid $1.  The money went to us.  Don’t get me wrong, it was an enormous blessing.  Just as the bills started piling in, the blessings came and kept away the stress, but oh so surreal.  I felt undeserving of this good will, but oh so thankful at the same time.  

I know my Daddy didn’t give me this cancer.  I know He will heal me completely.  I know He is with me and I can rest in Him and trust Him and lean on Him.

Today the weight of it all is heavy.  The duties I have before me are too many.  I am tired and weary.  Today is a more difficult day than the others.  

Perhaps I am carrying too much of this.  Daddy, show me how to let it go.  Show me how to lean on you when my mind tries to take it all in.  show me how to take one step at a time.  

Thank you for being with me and loving me.

That was my journal entry on October 13th, four days after I wrote that I was at peace.  That is my journey.  Some days I was up and okay, some days I felt crushed, but at the end of each day I knew that my Daddy had me and that He would carry me through it all no matter what was going to happen and no matter what kind of day it was.