It’s time to think about Christmas cards. I started addressing envelopes. I’m sending everyone a picture of my daughters from the Oregon coast this past summer. They are sitting close together with colorful buoys in the background. They have their arms around each other and it makes my heart melt.
As I’m writing down people’s names I’m wondering if they know about what is going on with us. I wonder if they want to know. I wonder if their prayers and support would be helpful. I wonder how I would tell them. Many envelopes are sealed and ready to mail, but perhaps I’ll tell those that are unsealed. I realize again how much I appreciate others spreading the word about my cancer, but at the same time I wonder if they are spreading the word? Are they telling each other what is going on with me so I don’t have to?
Part of me wants to walk through this journey silently, but maybe that is selfish. I would want to know about friends and family going through this. Why is it so difficult for me to tell them? Perhaps saying it still makes it too real. It’s hard to believe that after all this time, I still am having a difficult time with the reality of this. Perhaps it’s too fresh. Perhaps I need time to step away from it and look back, then maybe I’ll be more willing to talk about it. It’s sitting on me right now and I’m afraid to name it. It might notice me more. It might become louder than it is. I’ll figure out what to do about telling people. It’s my choice either way. They’ll be okay whether I tell them or not.
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